“Kate, how are you?”
“Never better. You?”
“Look, I know this is unexpected but I’m worried about Julie.”
I became fully awake. “What do you mean? Has she been in an accident?”
“No, no, nothing that immediate. It’s just her preoccupation with dieting that concerns me.”
“I asked her about her weight loss before she went on holiday with you and she flat-out denied she was dieting. How was she with you?”
“I found laxatives in her room in the hotel and she barely touched her food. Whenever she did eat to prove me wrong, she immediately headed for the nearest bathroom. Her weight is dangerously low, Kate. She must be under a hundred pounds.”
“Oh my God! At her height that’s crazy.” I felt as though I’d been suddenly whipped up by a giant tornado. “You’re back on Sunday, right?”
“No, I decided to come back earlier because of Julie. We’ve just arrived in Dublin airport. I’ve left her to get the luggage. Can you come up to Dublin and I’ll meet you at your parents’ house? Both of us need to be singing from the same hymn sheet on this one if we’re to nip it in the bud. And we both need to tread carefully with her.”
“Yes, yes.” I pressed my left hand to my forehead as my thoughts raced; I tried to think logically. “Yes of course. I’ll leave right away.” If Trevor was this worried, then things were really bad. He clearly thought our daughter was anorexic. Why was life always like this for me? As soon as things started to look up, some disaster struck. It was hard not to wallow in self-pity and feel I was jinxed.
“Geoff, I’m sorry.” I stuck my head around his bedroom door. “An emergency’s cropped up with my daughter and I have to leave straight away. I’ve just heard now and I have to rush.”
He sat up rubbing his eyes as the early sun streamed in through the curtains. “Sorry to hear that, Kate. What’s wrong? Anything I can do to help? I’ll be ready to leave in a moment – I’m heading to Dublin myself, to collect my son.”
“No rush, take your time, just check all switches are off when you leave and pull the door behind you …” I headed into my room, pulling off my nightie as I went. I was like Road Runner on speed as I dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Pulling my overnight bag from the bottom of the wardrobe, I hurled in pyjamas, t-shirts, underwear, socks and a wash bag as fast as I could. No exodus in history, including the flight into Egypt in Herod’s time, could have been faster as I dashed for my car.
On the journey up I wondered had the break-up been to blame for Julie’s descent into anorexia? Or was it solely my fault? Was I wrong to have brought magazines like Vogue and Elle into the house? That awful “waif” trend would have been around when she was at an impressionable age. And like any woman who wanted to look her best, I’d subscribed to the French adage of “il faut souffrir d’etre belle”. I’d stood in skyscraper heels at weddings, only to have to visit the chiropractor the following day and have my vertebrae re-aligned while my screams could be heard by Julie as she sat in the waiting room. Afterwards, she’d commented innocently: “So those shoes are definitely headed for the bin then, Mum?” to which I’d answered: “God no, not after all the compliments I got yesterday!” I knew I’d occasionally gasped in horror when I found I couldn’t fit into my favourite pair of jeans, muttering under my breath: “I’m a disgrace!” as I showed Julie my recently acquired midriff bulge which was threatening to grow into a muffin top if I didn’t cut out biscuits and chocolate. My years as a very plump teenager who loved making and eating her own cakes were always at the back of my mind. I’d had such a battle to lose the bulge back then. Now I realised I’d been a terrible mother, passing on such superficial values. It was no wonder my life had fallen apart, forcing me to take the more spiritual path to self-awareness. I just hoped it hadn’t happened too late.
Driving in the gate to my parents’ house, I was seized by a sudden compulsion to shove the car into reverse mode as I caught sight of the number plate on Trevor’s silver BMW parked to the left. Just then, I saw Julie appear at the door and I remembered why I was here in the first place. Julie came first in my life before anybody or anything else and she always would.
“Hi, Mum! Do you want any help with bags?” Her tone was buoyant.
“Hi love, great to see you. No, I just have an overnight bag.” I embraced her ultra-slim frame. “You’ve lost more weight.” Standing back to look at her, I registered to my relief that though she was slim, she didn’t look as thin as Trevor had led me to believe. She was definitely a good twelve pounds over what he had suggested. Still, he had a right to his concerns. She was a young woman, and air-brushed images of stick-thin models graced every magazine and billboard, setting impossible targets of female beauty.
“I’m just eating healthily, Mum, I’m fine. You’re always worrying about someone.” She tossed her head as though I were insane. “Dad’s inside with Granddad. He’s helping to humour him and Gran’s delighted because Granddad’s been difficult lately.”
I told myself I could handle this as I followed Julie through the front door and into the hallway, where my mother intercepted me. “Great to see you, Kate. Trevor and your dad are in the living room – I’ll get you a cup of tea.” This was followed by a whisper into my ear: “Dad’s delighted Trevor’s called. They’ve had a great chat. He has nothing but praise for you. I think he still loves you.”
Holy Moley and Saint Joseph – would somebody tell the ground to open right now, please. Aware that Julie was watching me intently, I held my tongue, gathered myself together and even managed a smile as I entered the living room. Julie walked towards the kitchen.
For some strange reason, when I saw the two men who had played such a big role in my life sitting there together, a warm feeling of familiarity and security seemed to wash over me. It was just like old times, but it didn’t make sense in light of new developments in my life. Maybe the whole business with Julie was confusing me.
“Kate, you look amazing.” Trevor got up from his chair to put an arm around my shoulder.
My body stiffened as he kissed my cheek. “You look well too,” I muttered and then went over to give my father a hug. “How’s Dad keeping?”
“Sick of going for bloody therapy and the cost of it. I was asking Trevor’s opinion of all this twice-weekly malarkey going to shrinks.”
Oh no, I thought, Trevor would have undoubtedly said my father was fine with just Prozac. I’d kill him.
“I told Jim that therapy is exactly what he needs. As time goes by, he won’t need it so often. Jim, you’ve got the best psychiatrist in the country. Forget about silly taboos regarding depression and see this as physiotherapy for the mind.”
Who was this enlightened person who resembled my ex-husband? Could an alien have abducted him, and was maybe now inhabiting his body? This from the man who thought all manner of shrinks were charlatans and would never be caught dead going for counselling? Were his concerns for his daughter making him see things differently?
“Physiotherapy for the mind! Well that’s a good analogy. I like that …” My father smiled, as he got up to leave the room. “I’ll leave you two to catch up, then.”
My mother arrived with a tray bearing two mugs of tea and a plate of assorted biscuits, which she laid on the coffee table. “Thanks, Mam.” I sat down, conscious of Trevor taking in my every movement. At least the mug gave me something to play with as I sneaked a look at him, while pretending to decide which biscuit to choose. He was tanned from his holiday and as usual neat as a new pin with his pepper-and-salt hair coiffed like an Italian’s, pomade ensuring no wave or curl strayed out of place. He was handsome, no doubt, but he looked older and drawn.
He said, “I was sorry to hear about Jim. I wanted to come as soon as I’d heard but I didn’t think it was my place.”
“I appreciate you considering my feelings and keeping healthy boundaries. Mind you, I couldn’t get over what you just said to him about therapy. You, who never agreed with co
unselling.”
“People can change, Kate. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently and it’s made me think about things differently.” He threw his hands out, palms turned upwards, shrugging his shoulders, then paused before linking his fingers and leaning forward in his chair to look closely at me. “So how have you been?”
“Does it really matter to you, how I’ve been? You couldn’t wait to get rid of me.”
“I made a big mistake, Kate. I realise that now. And after having Julie on holidays with me I realised how important family is. The three of us together were great. Julie has suffered through this.”
“Well, you’ve realised that too late, Trevor.”
“Is it too late, Kate? I’m willing to give it another try if you are.”
You could have knocked the socks off me. I hadn’t seen that one coming. What had happened to him? “What about Martha?”
“She’s gone, Kate. I told her to pack her bags and get out.”
I couldn’t help laughing. “You’re making quite a habit of throwing women out, Trevor!”
“Kate, I’m serious. I love you and I want you back. Can you forgive me and give me a second chance?”
“I don’t know, Trevor. It would be hard to trust again. But tell me … Were you really concerned for Julie or was this all a ruse to get me here and ask me back?”
“God no, Kate, I’m genuinely concerned for her. I feel the best thing for her is for us to be a family together again. Hell, I’ll even go to counselling with you. Give up golf and help you write your book. I’d just love you to give us another chance.”
There were tears in his eyes as he leaned over to hug me. He clung to me in the way a small child would cling to its mother. Having been without me, he must have finally realised how much I had filled his life. I’d arrange everything perfectly for him, from laundry to beautiful meals. I’d always facilitated him, no matter where he wanted to go and I’d been affectionate to him in a way I couldn’t imagine Martha capable of. I felt sorry for him and I knew he really needed me – but he didn’t deserve me. Yet he was right about Julie needing her family.
Then I thought of Geoff, with whom I’d just shared the best day of my life. If there was such a thing as soul mates, then I was pretty damn sure I’d found mine. Not long ago my life had seemed lacking in options and now all sorts of choices had to be made. I was well and truly torn.
Chapter Twenty-nine
I now had two issues which needed addressing: to choose between Trevor and Geoff and to decide between my present job and Billy’s offer.
Not for the first time I realised what a difference one day can make.
Though I’d become better at meditating and catching my thoughts, I still felt my life was being ripped apart by chaotic outside events. Memories of good times with Trevor came rolling into my mind as though I were watching one movie reel after another with all but the best of times edited out. A simple naive girl when we’d first met, I’d grown up with him and in lots of ways we’d been great together.
Trevor and my job in the college represented the tried and tested parts of my life whereas Geoff along with Billy’s job offer represented a walk into the unknown. Geoff was four years younger than me and I’d only met him three times so I knew it would be silly to throw everything away for him. I knew too that I’d grown to love Galway and I didn’t want to leave my friends. As well as that, Trevor was asking me to come back to the home I had spent the last twenty-two years putting together – a home that was also Julie’s home.
My most immediate concern, however, was my daughter’s welfare. Trevor left and I persuaded Julie to stay overnight in her grandparents’ home with me. It gave me an opportunity to observe her eating habits and at the same time inspect the toilet after both lunch and dinner, since she ate as heartily as she’d always eaten.
When I looked, I couldn’t see any signs of regurgitated broccoli or spaghetti bolognese or any other meal she’d eaten, so I came to the conclusion Trevor had exaggerated. The term “drama queen” is always attributed to women. In my experience men are just, if not more, as capable of creating unnecessary drama, since they are often driven by unconscious fears and urges. Trevor had regularly been prone to wild exaggerations especially when he had concerns about Julie. If he’d had his way he’d have hired a nanny to accompany her to university. No wonder I’d been full of angst living with him. He had a knack of exacerbating my already inflated fears to such an extent that my anxiety would run off the Richter scale.
Since Julie was anxious to return to her new flat early Sunday morning, I delivered her there en route back to Galway. Geoff had sent me several texts the day before telling me his thoughts were with me. I’d promised to call him on Saturday night. But in many ways I didn’t want to talk to him right now – I felt I wouldn’t want to talk to him for quite some time, I was so confused.
Since meeting Trevor, I’d started to get Catholic flashbacks. And when I examined the feelings coming from the knot in my gut and tight shoulders, I realised I really felt as though I was cheating on the man I had spent most of my life with. It takes four years to get a divorce in Ireland and at least a year to get a legal separation. I was still well and truly married. And that awful word “adultery” was sitting before me, floating in a speech bubble from somewhere near my right temple. I’d felt a tinge of it with Ray but I’d reassured myself Trevor and I were definitely over, and that had assuaged my guilt.
I really thought I’d transcended all this, especially in light of my trip to Brazil and Peru. But whenever I was exhausted, archaic beliefs ingrained in me from childhood by a vicious nun wielding a sally rod returned to haunt me with images of a cloven-hoofed demon. As James had suggested in Peru, it was not so easy to “unlearn” the old stuff.
Nonetheless, I needed to phone Geoff and early morning was as good a time as ever. I pulled in off the motorway and rang his number. He sounded groggy as though the phone ringing had just woken him up. The fact that I hadn’t rung the night before contributed to a sense of awkwardness between us, as we exchanged initial pleasantries. Then Geoff asked me about Julie.
“She’s lost weight but I think she’s probably like me and has a fast metabolism,” I said. “She’s been under stress from us splitting up but she’ll be fine.”
“That’s such a relief.”
“Yes, her father is prone to over-worry where she’s concerned. You know the way with an only child.”
“Will I see you at the weekend then?”
“No, I don’t think so. I have to get ready for going back to school.” I sighed then blurted out, “Geoff, I really like you and I had the best day of my life with you but I’ve just realised I need more time and space. Right now, I’m confused.”
“It’s because you met your ex, isn’t it, Kate?”
“No … Yes … I don’t know.” I sounded distant even to my own ears.
“Really, Kate, I do understand. The timing’s not right is it?”
“Apparently not.” I choked back the tears, sniffing, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry. I’d better let you go. Goodbye, Kate.”
I arrived back in Galway at noon, in time to meet James for lunch an hour later in a café in Salthill. We’d just finished eating when a text came in from Ella. She was back in Ireland, but we hadn’t yet found a suitable time to meet up. “Are you around? Call over. I’d love to see you. Ella x.”
I texted back: “With James in Salthill & about to order coffee.”
“Better coffee in my place. Bring James with you. Ella x”
I said to James, “That was Ella. Fancy calling round with me?”
He laughed. “You know me. I never refuse an opportunity to hear the latest girly gossip.”
In the car on the way over, I asked James how he was getting on with Alex. Their relationship had been on and off over the past two years. Sometimes they were close and sometimes, like this summer, they had taken breaks from each other before re-uniting once mor
e. “You won’t believe it, Kate. Just when everything seemed dandy after me missing him so much in South America, Alex tells me he wants us to get married and have a child by surrogacy.”
“Are you serious?” I glanced at him briefly as I drove. “That was the last thing I’d expect from him.”
“Deadly serious and you’re right, I didn’t expect it either. I don’t think he has it well thought out but he’s carried away on some fantasy notion of playing with a kid and teaching him or her drums and guitar. I’ve tried explaining to him that there’s a lot more to rearing kids than dressing them cute, and teaching them stuff. He’s eight years younger than me though, and he’s not mature even for his age.”
“Maybe it’s just a notion that’ll pass. After all he spends most weekends doing gigs with that band. Does he realise he’d have to give that up? I can’t imagine you stuck in all weekend playing wifey.” I was laughing but James was not amused.
“It’s not funny, Kate. I love kids but I’m happy to be a doting uncle rather than have my own. I’m annoyed because we discussed it two years ago when we first became a couple and he told me he’d no interest in kids.”
We had arrived outside Ella’s house, and she greeted us at the door in her customary cheerful manner. “Hi, you two – you’re both looking great after your odyssey. Come in.” She ushered us both inside. “You have to try my coffee.” She held up a bag with the ‘BlendElla’ brand name. “It’s fabulous if I may say so and you get to try it before it hits the supermarket shelves!”
“Congratulations, Ella!” James and I chimed simultaneously. It was at times like this that I most envied Ella’s unbridled energy and enthusiasm.
“It’s only the beginning. I’ve lots more ideas from my trip spinning around in here,” she said, tapping her head. Lifting the coffee pot, she poured us a mug each. “I’m getting gorgeous mugs designed to go with it for initial promotions. Brazil was a good experience for me, I’m telling you.” She wriggled her hips and gave a self-satisfied wink. I smiled as I considered how incorrigible she could be. When Ella set out to achieve something, she never let anything hold her back. In comparison to her I was positively a shrinking violet.
Love & The Goddess Page 25