Kellan

by Jayne Blue

  Strong arms came around my shoulders and I tore away from them with enough force I nearly fell to my knees. Whatever happened, they weren’t going to pull me away from Dad’s side. I had to be there. I had to bear witness.

  “Mallory.” Kellan’s voice cut through the din in my head. One of the nurses snapped the curtain closed even tighter so there wasn’t even a gap I could peek through.

  Kellan put his hands back on my shoulders and turned me around to face him. He was strong, solid. He stood with his back straight, his eyes dark but filled with concern. A part of me just wanted to let him fold me in his arms so I could bury my face against his shoulder and shut out everything happening around me.

  But I couldn’t shut it out. Behind me, my father lay dying. I’d like to say he was fighting for his life but I wasn’t sure he was. He’d seemed so defeated this morning I wondered if everything he did after that was part of some alcohol-fueled plan to go out in a blaze of glory. Suicide by biker gang. Except he couldn’t get a clan of Great Wolves to kick his ass to death so he wrapped himself around a telephone pole instead. And then I got just as mad as I was scared. Kellan kept his arm around me and led me away from the awful pink curtains to the waiting area on the other side of the room.

  He kept his arms around me as I buried my face in my hands and shut my eyes and listened. The incessant flat tone of Dad’s monitors were shut off. Whatever his doctors did to him, they did it without talking. All I could do was wait.

  It seemed forever. Kellan sensed that I didn’t want to talk. If he’d told me something empty like “everything’s going to be all right,” I probably would have hauled off on him. He didn’t though. Because he knew as well as anyone you can’t ever know that. Justin sat on the other side of me; leaning forward with his elbows on his knees he wrung his hands together.

  “Where’s Mitch?” he asked.

  My mind went blank. “Shit. What time is it?”

  “Almost midnight,” Kellan answered.

  “Uh. It’s Saturday. I’m not sure if . . .”

  “I’m on it,” Justin said. He stood up and took out his phone.

  I rubbed my hands against my pants. The leather made me sticky and hot. My stomach roiled.

  “He could die.” I said it. I’d always known it. Maybe it had always been leading up to this. Kellan squeezed my shoulder and tried to pull me to him. I probably should have let him. That’s what a normal girl would have done when her big, strong boyfriend tried to comfort her when the world fell apart.

  My heart fluttered and the searing heat of panic spread through me. I got up and whirled on him. Kellan stayed right where he was. He sat back in his chair but otherwise didn’t move a muscle.

  “You don’t have to stay for this,” I said, starting to pace in front of him. “In fact, you’ve probably got a hell of a lot more to deal with back at the club after the little show my dad put on.”

  “Maybe. I’m still not leaving.”

  My blood roared in my ears. “I’ll find my own way home. Justin’s here anyway. I might have to stay all night.”

  “I’m Justin’s ride home. And where else am I going to go, Mallory?”

  “I don’t need you.” The words came out of my mouth but my insides turned to jelly. It hurt to breathe. “I can handle it. I’ve always handled it.”

  “I see that. But you don’t have to handle it alone. Those doctors are going to come out here at some point. They’re going to talk to you and one way or another, you’re going to have to make some decisions. And I’m going to stand right next to you and listen too. That way, you’ve got two sets of ears. You’ll need it.”

  At any moment, it felt like a trap door might open and swallow me up. I backed away from Kellan and started walking back to the pink curtains. The shoes poking out of the bottom had stopped squeaking. Whatever was happening back there, nobody was moving.

  My knees felt weak. I took a steadying breath and kept walking toward the curtain. I didn’t need Kellan. I couldn’t afford to need him. Not now. Not when I didn’t know what was happening behind those curtains. Cotton seemed to fill my ears and cloud my brain. But I knew one thing. I could handle whatever happened when the doctors came back out. But I couldn’t handle it if I leaned on Kellan and then he stopped being there. I wanted to shout all of those things at him. Scream them. It would be so much easier if he’d just get the hell out of here now so I could handle one thing at a time. But I didn’t shout. I didn’t scream. I just kept walking away.

  And Kellan kept coming toward me. I felt his presence behind me, solid as a wall.

  I shuddered when I felt his hands on my shoulders again, turning me to face him. He hooked a finger under my chin and gently forced me to look up at him.

  “Mallory,” he said softly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Yes, you are,” I said, not recognizing the choked sound of my own voice.

  “Let’s just take one thing at a time, okay?”

  When he pulled me close to his side and held me up, I let him this time. It just felt so good. He was tough and hard. I looked around the room. It was filled with other people waiting for people with squeaky shoes to come out and tell them things that might spin their world around. None of them were alone. Not one. They probably didn’t know how to be. But I did.

  And I was ready to tell Kellan that. He couldn’t save me. He couldn’t help me. He could say all the pretty things he wanted but then he’d leave me alone. Just like all the others. Just like my dad. And I’d stay standing just like I always did. But Kellan didn’t let me go.

  The pink curtains parted and Kellan shifted so he was standing behind me, solid and sure. He kept his hands on my shoulders as one of the doctors came out. He was young with a flat nose and rimless glasses that slid down with the beads of sweat that dotted his face.

  He took his glasses off and wiped them on the front of his green scrubs as he found me and walked toward me. With Kellan’s hands on my shoulders, I took a breath and braced for the words that would spin my world around.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  “We got him back. His heartbeat got pretty erratic there for a few seconds, but his vitals are stable now.”

  “He’s going to be okay?” I focused on my own breathing. The fluorescent lights above seemed to waver as I processed what I was hearing.

  The doctor shrugged. “We need to run some scans. Pretty sure he cracked a couple of ribs and one of them punctured his lung in the crash. Those are all survivable injuries. He’ll need a procedure to help him breathe. He’s also dehydrated, his electrolytes are probably completely out of whack, and I guess detox isn’t going to be very fun for him over the next few days, but yes. I think he’s got a pretty good shot of coming out the other side of this if he wants it.”

  If he wants it.

  “Is he awake?”

  “In and out. He’s not feeling any pain just now but that’s going to change. And we need to come up with a plan to manage that considering all of the other stuff in his system. Are you sure he didn’t take any other kind of drugs or medication?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think so. He drinks. That’s . . . that’s all he’s ever done.”

  The doctor gave me a grim nod and his eyes darted over my head to meet Kellan’s. He stiffened against my back and his strength seemed to flow into me, giving me comfort but also that niggling sensation of fear. He could take it away at any time.

  “Okay. We’re going to make sure he’s stable down here. Get some I.V. fluids into him, then we’re going to get him up for those tests and get his lung straightened out. Then we’ll come back and talk to you.”

  “Can I see him?”

  “Sure. But we need to keep him calm if he starts to come out of it. It’ll probably be a while before he does come out of it. You might be in for a long night.”

  I nodded.

  “We’re covered,” Kellan said behind me. He didn’t so much as twitch.

  The doctor tapped the tablet he held
in his hand and gave me a curt smile. One of the nurses in an exam room down the hall called out to him and he left us to go answer her after turning back to give one more tight-lipped smile.

  I took a steadying breath and Kellan rubbed his hand up and down my back. It felt good. God, it would be so easy to just lean against him and let him prop me up for whatever the next few hours would bring. Easy and dangerous.

  Justin came back from the lobby. His eyes went to Kellan’s and he must have read whatever he needed in his face. Justin’s shoulders sagged with relief.

  “We’ve got Mitch handled. I’m going to meet my mom over at the house and pick him up to stay with us the rest of the weekend.”

  I crossed my arms in front of me and rubbed my biceps. The air grew suddenly cold and I wished I had more on than the rhinestone-studded tank top I’d worn on stage. Once again sensing my needs, Kellan wrapped his leather jacket around me. His body heat was still trapped inside. He was a human space heater. I pulled it closer to me.

  “You can take the Jeep,” Kellan said, fishing keys out of his pocket.

  Justin put a hand up. “It’s cool. Tim and Bruno are already waiting for me out in the parking lot. They followed once the ambulance took off. You sure you’re okay here, Mal? I can stay if you want.”

  I shook my head. “No. I need you more on Mitch duty. Sounds like Dad could be out of it for quite a while. I really don’t know what version I’m going to get when he finally does wake up. I just want to make sure he knows I’m here and he’s settled in whatever room they’ll take him to. I don’t know when I’ll be home.”

  Justin put a hand out and shook Kellan’s hand over my right shoulder. Another look passed between them that was new. Respect. I got the sense something happened on their car ride over and I wasn’t sure how that made me feel. I wasn’t sure how anything made me feel. But I supposed not having to break up a fist fight between these two was progress.

  Justin stepped forward and hugged me. Kellan’s jacket slipped a little off my shoulders and I pulled the flaps of it together. “You call me if you need something. And don’t wait too long to give Mitch a call. I have a feeling he’s not going to take my word for things for too long.”

  I smiled. “And you guys call me stubborn. Just tell him I love him and I’m getting it all under control.”

  Then Justin left. I watched him go for a few seconds longer than was probably natural. But the minute I turned around, it would just be Kellan and me and the world I lived in.

  I did turn though. I don’t know what I expected to see in Kellan’s face. Pity? Judgment? I saw none of that. He took a step forward. Then another. Then he leaned down and pressed his lips against mine pulling the ends of his jacket toward him so there was no space between us.

  His kiss was slow, soft, and tender. His lips were warm, inviting. His stubble brushed against my cheek, both rough and soft. He poured himself into me with that kiss. As I tried to keep my walls up, he brought his down. I’d done things with him that made my toes curl and woke me in a cold sweat when I dreamed of it. But somehow, standing there in the middle of the E.R. with chaos all around, we’d never been more intimate.

  Finally, he pulled away but kept his grip on the ends of the lapels of his jacket. I shifted and pushed my arms through the sleeves so it wouldn’t fall off my shoulders again.

  “Well,” I finally said, stepping forward to rest my forehead against his strong chest. “Welcome to my shit show. At least you got a good seat.”

  His soft laughter made me shiver. He brought his hands up and wrapped them around me. He felt so good. So warm.

  “When are you going to learn I don’t mind your particular shit show? Everybody’s got one. You think I haven’t been through a lot of this and worse? Come on. Let’s get this over with.”

  With his hand at the small of my back, Kellan guided me toward the exam room where my father lay. I took a steadying breath as we walked up to him. My father was still out cold. He looked weak, almost dead. An oxygen mask covered his face and he had lines running into him connected to an I.V. One of the nurses adjusted the controls on it and checked the bags.

  “He’s feeling no pain,” she said, smiling.

  “That’s always the idea.” I sighed. She gave me a soft pat on the shoulder and pulled a chair up closer to Dad’s gurney for me.

  “Just a few minutes, okay?” she said. “They’re going to be down pretty soon to get him up for those scans then they’ll have a bed for him on the general surgery floor.”

  I nodded. “Thank you.”

  Then she left me alone with my father. Kellan stood a discreet distance away. Far enough to give me privacy, but close enough I knew he was there. I looked back at my dad. If it weren’t for the oxygen mask, he almost looked peaceful. None of the lines of worry or anger crossed his face just then. It made him look twenty years younger but frail.

  I couldn’t be mad at him. I should be. How many more times would I have to go through this with him? I’d lost count of how many I’d already been through. There would always be a late-night phone call, cops at my door hauling him home after he smashed some shit in a bar, trips to the E.R.

  I leaned forward and smoothed his hair back from his forehead. I couldn’t remember the last time he let me or anyone else close enough to touch him like this. I placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

  “I love you, Daddy,” I whispered. “And if you’ll let me, maybe I can help you find your way back home.”

  ***

  Hours later, they had my father in his own room. He’d tolerated the tests and procedure well. He was going to be fine. We talked for a little but he wasn’t all there yet. He was still half drunk and not quite sure what was going on. He didn’t remember anything about the accident or the hour before. I don’t know if that was the truth or his way of avoiding things. I suppose it didn’t matter now. Kellan stayed with me through all of it. When we had Dad settled, he offered to take me home but I still didn’t want to leave. I wanted to be there when my father woke up again. I knew he’d be clearer the next time. Instead though, I was the one who ended up falling asleep in the uncomfortable chair in the corner while Kellan went down to the cafeteria to scare up some coffee for the both of us.

  I woke up with the dawn light peeking through the slats in the window, leaving pink streaks across my father’s bed. Kellan had draped his jacket over me like a blanket. The sound of hushed voices pulled me out of my dreams.

  Kellan had pulled a chair up to my father’s bedside and straddled it backward as he leaned in close. My father was awake, but staring toward the window, his eyes glistening.

  “Guy at the V.A. called it survivor’s guilt,” Kellan said, chuckling. “They’ve got a label for everything. P.T.S.D., P.L.S. I swear to God, I never once felt guilty for not dying. Not once.”

  “They’ve got nothing for me,” Dad said. “You assholes got hailed as heroes. It wasn’t like that in my time.”

  “Cry me a river, Pops. Is that the game we’re playing? Who got fucked over worse? I’ll save you the effort. I win.” Kellan lifted his right leg and pulled up his pant leg, showing my father his prosthesis. My mouth dropped and I started to sit up, but thought the better of it. They were having a private conversation with me in the room. I knew my father’s expressions well enough to know he had been about to get angry and light into Kellan. Just like I’d seen him do a hundred times to check-out clerks or fast-food cashiers or anyone else he thought had things too easy. But one look at Kellan’s leg put it to rest.

  “Yeah? Well, that sucks,” my father said. A hint of his trademark shit-eating grin crossed his face and it was the first time I’d seen its kind in months.

  Kellan shrugged. “Better than the alternative. When I got back, half a dozen army shrinks tried telling me I was allowed to grieve. Grieve. For my fucking leg. One of ’em even suggested I have some kind of memorial service. You believe that shit? A fucking foot funeral.”

  My father’s face changed. His whole body se
ized up and he started to cough. Panic spread through me until I realized he was laughing. Hard. Strong. Real. Kellan laughed too. He put a hand on my father’s shoulder to help settle him back down.

  “You’re killing me.”

  Kellan smiled wide. “Yeah, well, my point is, they’re not all like that. And this isn’t the seventies anymore. There’s help for you, and I can put you in touch with some good guys that can give it to you. I swear to God, you’re not so unique, you know. But you gotta want it. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but you ain’t getting any younger. And you sure as hell ain’t getting any prettier. So, you let me know. That’s all I’m saying.”

  I kept still as stone, trying not to so much as breathe. Everything Kellan said, I’d said to my dad a thousand times. He’d walk out of the room. He’d grab a bottle from the fridge. He’d yell. Or worse, he’d go quiet. But in the early hours of that Sunday morning, he just turned his head and looked straight at Kellan. Then he lifted his hand and Kellan took it in a firm, thumb-locking grip.

  “Yeah,” he said. “Maybe. And maybe you’re all right, kid.”

  “Yeah, old man? Maybe you could be too.”

  Chapter Twenty Four

  I didn’t want to go home, but my dad needed to rest. He needed time to himself. That night, I felt like I’d packed a hundred years into just a few hours. I had a million reasons to make a different choice. I was tired. I was raw and vulnerable. But when we pulled up into my driveway, I did the one thing I knew I could never take back. I asked Kellan to come inside and stay with me.

  I had no more words to say. Exhaustion came over me, turning my knees to rubber and weighing me down. I reached out and circled my fingers around Kellan’s pinky, drawing him deeper into the house. He followed me. When we reached my bedroom door he stopped. Cupping my face between his rough, warm hands he leaned down to kiss me on the forehead.

  “Get some sleep. I’ll take the couch.”

  My body sagged against his. He ran a hand down the curve of my skull, smoothing back my hair.