Mistrust

by Margaret McHeyzer

  Mom and I work together in the kitchen, seamlessly helping each other while chopping, and cooking. “There’s so much food,” I sigh while looking at everything we’ve prepared.

  “How about we halve everything? Package half in containers and put it in the fridge and if we run out, all we have to do is grab it from the fridge. Then if there’s anything left at the end of the night I can take it down to the church.”

  “Good idea, Mom.” We spend the next ten minutes separating all the food. Once it’s all done, we store it all in the fridge. “Do you need any more help?”

  “Nope, everything’s done.”

  “Okay.” Leaving Mom I go out the back where Dad and Sam are cleaning the grill. “It’s been a hot day today, I’m sure you all will be in the pool.”

  “I’m going to put my swimsuit on and jump in,” Sam yells over her shoulder as she runs inside.

  “What about you, sweetheart. You going to put your suit on?” Dad asks while cleaning the grill.

  Suddenly I shudder with the thought of exposing my body so much. I’ve been living in shorts and t-shirts, not wanting to put on anything that’s too revealing. Instantly my body tortures me by churning my stomach as fine goosebumps pebble my skin. “Ah . . . yeah,” I say, my voice crackling.

  Dad stops cleaning the grill, and walks over to where I’m standing at the large outdoor table. He hugs me without even knowing why my voice broke. “You okay?” he asks. He kisses the top of my head and tightens his hug. He moves back his arm now draping over my shoulder. “You seem down, is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s all good,” I reply immediately. The sadness in my voice is obvious. I look to Dad who squints at me. “Really, I’m great,” I add eagerly. Shut up, Dakota.

  The panic intensifies, and sweat beads on my neck. Dad’s holding me in his regard and he’s got hard ‘Dad eyes’ happening. Those are the ones where you’re sure he can read your mind, but he doesn’t want to say anything in case he’s mistaken and it turns out to be ‘time-of-the-month’ business.

  “Okay then. Well I’ll get back to cleaning the grill.” He lets go of me, kisses my hair once more and heads back to the grill.

  I go to find Sam, because she has one-piece swimsuits, whereas I only have bikinis. Knocking on the door, I can hear her giggling in her room. “Hang on,” she says. She comes to the door and opens it. Her eyes take me in, she frowns and takes a step back. “I gotta go, I’ll see you when you get here.” She hangs up and tosses her phone on her bed. “What’s wrong? I know that look. You’re stressing about something.”

  “Am I really so obvious?” Cold fingers of dread pinch my throat, because if Sam can see it, then that means Dad was able to, too. Sam tilts her head and lifts her eyebrows at me. “Right.” I close the door behind me. “You know me the best out of everyone.”

  “Ah-ha. So what’s wrong?”

  “I’ve got a problem.”

  “Well, duh. You’re clearly not as pretty as me. I’d say that’s a huge problem.” I laugh at her, because I know she’s only trying to lift the intensity I brought in with me. “Huge problem.” She extends her arms to show me in size how big the problem is.

  “Other than that glaringly obvious fact.” I roll my eyes, but smile. She calms me. She has a special gift of knowing when I’m about to freak out, so she adjusts her tone to soothe and calm me. “You should get into counseling,” I randomly say.

  “What? That’s your problem?” Sam screws her nose up and looks at me as if I’ve grown three extra heads.

  Chuckling I become sidetracked by my thoughts. “Hang on.” I put my hand up to halt her saying anything else. “First, I need a one-piece and I was hoping I can borrow one of yours?” I put my hands together like I’m praying and I batt my eye lids at her. “Pretty please?” Then I give her the hugest cheesiest grin I can.

  “Yeah, cool. Here.” She walks over to her chest of drawers, opens the fourth drawer and throws me a one-piece. “Why?” She turns and looks at me.

  “I only have bikinis, and I don’t want to . . .” my voice trembles with fear. “Wear it,” I almost whisper. “Because . . .” Knotting my hands together I look down to my toes, too ashamed to hold Sam’s gaze.

  “It’s cool. It’ll suit you better anyway.” Looking up to Sam, her features have softened and I can see by how wide her eyes are, she’s sympathetic toward me, but doesn’t want to say anything.

  “Thank you.” I take a deep breath, giving me enough time to gather myself and step out of the prison my mind’s been caught in. “I think you should go to college and learn to be a counselor. You’re so strong, Sam. And you have a way about you that makes me feel like I’m not so lost.”

  “Lost?” Sam squints her eyes and rubs her hand over her face. “What do you mean?”

  “Since, that night.” I pause for a moment, again gathering strength. “Since that night, you make me want to try to push past it so I can maybe be normal again one day.”

  “I’ve done that?” Sam puts her hand to her chest, covering at her heart.

  “You have. It’s like you know what I’m feeling, and you can adapt to it, make me take a moment and step back, keep me from spiraling out of control.” I may have the strength to tell her this, but I’m also nervous about how she’ll react. “You’re so mature, and so level-headed.”

  Sam’s face breaks out in a broad smile, her eyes sparkle with so much joy. “Thank you,” she timidly says.

  We stand in her room for a few seconds, and it turns uncomfortable. Sam’s not really into compliments. She shuffles on the spot, avoiding me. “Well, I better go get ready before everyone gets here.”

  “’K.”

  I walk out and into my room to get changed while thinking about Sam and everything she means to me. She’s my stability, my rock, keeping me sane when I start to drift toward the edge of darkness.

  Taylor and Sophie are here already, and we’re all in the pool hanging out. “Your sister is so sweet,” Sophie says as we sit on one of the steps in the shallow end.

  “Yeah, she’s cool.”

  “Tell me about you and Levi. I heard a few rumors the last few days of school, but I think they’re all a load of shit.” Sophie’s dark gray eyes hold their own secrets. She looks to the left, breaking our connection. “Not like it’s any of my business.” She looks up to the sky and squints.

  “What did you hear?” I may as well know everything people are saying, it’ll tell me how many untruths Levi is sprouting.

  “He’s angry at you because you’ve been sleeping around behind his back. And, that you kept saying no to him, but you’re happy to open your legs to anyone else.” I cringe when she relays all the crappy gossip she’s heard. “I don’t think that’s true. Actually, I know it’s not.”

  I shrug although my stomach is all bunched up, and my pulse is racing crazily through my veins. “Then why did you ask?”

  “I wanted to see your reaction, and hear your response.”

  She now turns to look at me. “You weren’t even looking at me. You had your eyes glued to anywhere but me.”

  A smile pulls at one end of her mouth. “I can see it in your eyes, Dakota. What’s being said is either an exaggeration of the truth, or they’re being horrible and just saying shit. Either way, I can see you’re nervous and upset about what people are saying.”

  Swallowing hard, I slump my shoulders and look down at my legs which are floating aimlessly in front of me in the water. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to defend yourself to me. Matter-of-fact, I don’t think you should have to defend yourself to anyone. Whatever you do has nothing to do with anyone else.”

  “Problem is, I haven’t done anything.” My blood pumps quickly through me, while my vision clouds with angry red spots.

  “According to all those pictures floating around, you did do someone.”

  “That’s bullshit,” I angrily retort. “I didn’t know what was . . .” I clap both my hands to
my mouth realizing I’d said way too much. I drop my hands and close my eyes, putting up an instant barrier and closing Sophie out. It takes me a few minutes, but when I finally open my eyes Sophie’s looking at me with a calm and soft expression. “I . . .”

  “It’s okay, Dakota, I get it.” The hair on my arms stands as I watch Sophie’s eyelids flutter before her face pales, and her slender shoulders shudder. “I get it.” A tear escapes from her eye and she quickly moves to wipe it away.

  “Shit,” I mumble and move to hug her. Sophie purses her lips together and shakes her head. “Please, don’t,” she begs. “I don’t want to relive it. I need to forget.”

  “Does anyone else know?” Her head moves in small shakes. “Not even your mom?”

  Her head snaps up to me, and her eyes beg and plead for me to stop asking her questions. “Does yours?” Our conversation may not have been verbalized, but we both understand the other’s been through something traumatic.

  Deflated, I simply shake my head too. “Sam does though.” I look over to Sam flicking water at Taylor, who retaliates by swimming over and dunking her under before picking her up and throwing her a few feet away from him.

  “Did she see something?”

  “Kinda. She got a picture messaged to her cell and she showed me. I panicked and ran down to the park a few blocks over, she followed and found me in a crumpled mess.”

  “You’re lucky, Dakota. You have someone to talk to about this.”

  There’s so much pain in her voice. She’s trying really hard to hide the heartache. “When did it happen?” I have no doubt, not one single shred of uncertainty that she’s making this up. I can see how hurt she is, how her raw emotions are a reflection of mine.

  “About a year ago.” The sadness in her eyes tells me she’s struggling to talk, to open up. I don’t want to push her, but I also want her to know she can talk to me anytime. I don’t blame her; it’s humiliating. “It was at a party. We’d won a home game, someone had a party . . . you know how it goes.” Her voice is wispy, soft, and incredibly controlled.

  My hands tremble as I become restless, a sudden shooting pain tears through my spine right into my head. Cringing, I rub the spot on my temple, hoping I can ease the tension that’s hit me unexpectedly. “Do you know who?” my voice cracks on the last word. I move my head to the side, hoping the crick in my neck cracks. It wasn’t there earlier, it’s only just happened.

  Sophie’s gray eyes fill with tears. One lonely tear escapes and she swiftly moves her hand so she can wipe it away. “I don’t know who did it.” Another tear falls and she wipes that one away too.

  Furrowing my brows together I take a deep breath and watch her as reality settles over me. Please don’t say you were drugged. Please don’t say you were drugged. “What do you mean?” Please don’t say you were drugged. Please don’t say you were drugged. “I don’t get it.”

  She blinks rapidly while the tears are coming stronger and faster than before. “I just . . .” her body quivers as she tries to breathe. I find my own breath has stilled, suspended while I wait to hear what she has to say. “I don’t remember.”

  All the blood drains from my body, shards of ice stab into me as my body temperature drops. “You don’t remember?” My eyes try to stay connected to hers, however my vision is filled with dense black stars. Wildly I close and open my eyes, then screw them shut allowing her words to register. In defense I wrap my arms around my torso, all my barriers fly up as my body begins to twitch.

  “Dakota?” I hear Sam call my name. The darkness is keeping me from responding. “Dakota, you’re trembling.” Her words are a jumbled mess, I’m not even sure if she’s talking to me. “What happened?” There’s a panicked desperation in her quiet voice.

  “I’m okay,” I finally find the strength to answer Sam. “I’m okay,” I repeat.

  Sam grabs onto my knees and leans into me. Her face is within inches of mine as she keeps her focus on me and how I’m reacting. “What happened?” Sam then looks over to Sophie who’s still crying.

  “Nothing, please let it go,” I beg of her. Reaching out, I grab Sophie’s hand, reassuring her I’ll never tell her secret to a living soul. “I promise, I’m okay.”

  Sam keeps her eyes trained on me, occasionally looking back to Sophie. Her expression remains suspicious, her dark brown eyes are pensive yet soft. She leans in and hugs me, then widens her embrace to include Sophie. “Okay,” she says in a small voice.

  We remain in each other’s arms for a long time, letting go only when Taylor clears his throat. “Um, everything okay?” he asks.

  Taylor’s in the pool, near us but still at a distance as if he knows we’re all emotional and doesn’t know how to deal with it. Typical boy. “We’re okay,” I answer on behalf of the three of us.

  Taylor’s eyes are wide with fright. Not scary like he’s seen a ghost, more like ‘these chicks are crazy.’ I can’t help but chuckle when I see how his eyes are darting between us before he swims backward in the pool.

  “We’re good,” Sophie says wiping her tears away.

  “Yeah, you know, we’re girls.”

  Taylor’s face lifts in a surprised expression. “I’m kinda already aware. I just didn’t realize how um . . . ahhh, different you all are.” He pinches the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, and moves even further away from us.

  Sophie, Sam, and I look at each other, and can’t help but laugh. “Who you calling different, buster?” Sam swims toward him and he moves to the opposite end. “Hey.” She stops swimming and brings her hand back down with force, scooping the water—and splashing Taylor.

  Just like that, the intensity has been shattered by the playfulness and easiness of Taylor being clueless toward women. I watch as they play, and Taylor turns to catch my eye. He smiles at me, winks, and gives me a slight nod.

  Dragging the side of my mouth up in a half smile, I know Taylor isn’t so clueless. He defused a potentially ugly scene, and it makes me wonder how much he’s seen in order to know when to do that.

  “I’m going to get the grill started,” Dad calls to the four of us.

  “I don’t know where Reece is,” I say looking to the other three.

  Taylor shrugs his shoulders, Sam doesn’t even flinch and Sophie smiles at me. “I don’t know,” Sophie ends up replying. “I don’t have his number.”

  The intensity from earlier is now forgotten, and for the past hour the four of us have been talking and swimming in the pool. “What do you all think of Mr. Collins?” Taylor asks as he stands beside the lounges along the edge of the pool. We’ve all been sunbathing, having had enough of swimming. My skin is starting to get too much color, so I lean over and grab the sunscreen.

  “He’s a bit intense,” Sam says. “He seems like he’s everywhere.”

  “Yeah I thought that too. The first day of vacation, Mom and I went to the mall to buy some stuff, and I ran into him three times while we were there. First time I didn’t think much of it, but when we saw him the third time, I made a joke asking if he’s stalking us,” Sophie says, squirting some lotion on her hand and rubbing it into her shoulders. “He smiled and said we must be stalking him.”

  Looking over to Sam, I catch her puzzled expression. She lifts an eyebrow to me, her body language is subtle but it’s telling me she thinks how weird he is.

  “I don’t know, I’ve never really noticed,” Sam adds looking away from me before anyone catches on.

  “I think he’s weird and all, but I haven’t noticed either.” I offer a smile to back up my lie.

  “Anyway, I’m going back in the pool. Watch out.” Taylor backs up, runs and jumps in the pool right near where we all are. He jumps high, holding onto his knees as he bombs in the water, splashing the rest of us.

  “I’m in there too.” Sophie stands and goes to sit on the edge, water droplets hanging on her hair from Taylor’s splash.

  “Sorry I’m late,” I hear Reece saying while he comes through the sliding doo
r.

  Smiling, I wave him over to where Sam and I are. Reece’s face lights up when he sees me, a broad smile brightens his features as his eyes sparkle. He walks over to my dad first, shakes his hand, says a few things then heads over to us. “Not swimming?” he asks as he slips his shoes off and sits beside me.

  “Sam was gonna put some sunscreen on my back before I headed back in.”

  Wiggling the sunscreen in Sam’s face, she arches an eyebrow at me. “I am? I’m going back in the pool.” She stands and jumps in, close to where Sophie and Taylor are swimming.

  “Hey, brother.” Taylor swims over to the edge of the pool and holds his fist out to Reece to fist bump.

  Reece smirks and gets up, returning Taylor’s fist bump and saying hello to Sophie. He then comes back over to me and sits down. “I’ll do your sunscreen. Just on your back?” He squirts some in his hand and looks at me, waiting for me to turn around. “Well?”

  “Well what?” My pulse spikes and I become extremely nervous at the thought of having Reece’s hands on me.

  “Do you want sunscreen or not?” He keeps watching me, waiting.

  Sam glances back at us, her lips pulled up into a gleeful smile. Sophie swims over to Sam and both are having fun lying across a noodle each while sneaking small looks over to Reece and myself.

  It takes every ounce of strength I have to turn around so Reece can rub sunscreen into my back. Closing my eyes I mentally and physically prepare to have his hands on me. I try to swallow past the rock lodged in my throat. Holding my hands together, I will them to stop shaking and trembling from fear of contact.

  “Are you sick? You’re whole body is shaking,” Reece asks.

  “I’m okay. Just tired.” Again the lie comes so easily. I hate myself.

  Keeping my eyes screwed tightly shut, I take a deep breath in, and hold it. Waiting for the moment he touches me, my shoulders come up in anticipation and edginess washes over me. The moment his big, warm hands gently touch me, I exhale loudly. Easiness bathes me and the anxiety my body was freaking out over, just disappears.