He's Got to Go

by Sheila O'Flanagan

  “Hardly a boy,” said Nessa.

  “Are you getting at me?” demanded Bree.

  Nessa shook her head. “Of course not. So, come on, tell us—what happened?”

  Bree told them, even including the part where Declan’s secretary, Sally, had walked into the room while his arms were still around her. She’d looked at them in shock and walked out again, closing the door firmly behind her and leaving Declan looking at Bree with an expression of amused guilt.

  “And it was then I realized that he’s a real person,” she told Cate and Nessa. “Not some older man figure and not someone I want to depend on, but someone I really like and someone who has feelings of his own.”

  “So what next?” asked Nessa.

  “I don’t know,” said Bree. “We’re going out tomorrow night.” Her eyes sparkled. “Maybe it’ll be a complete disaster. Maybe not. But it’s worth a try.”

  “I’ve never seen you like this before,” said Cate.

  “I’ve never felt like this before,” admitted Bree. “Oh, girls, I know that things can all go horribly wrong. I know there’s no guarantees. But I really, really think—”

  “Are you madly in love?” Jill interrupted her.

  “Maybe I am,” said Bree. She sounded pleased and surprised at the same time. “Maybe I am.”

  The episode of the sitcom ended and another one began.

  Cate groaned. “I’ve seen this about a hundred times.”

  “I’ll go and get the other videos,” said Nessa. “I think they’re still on the backseat.”

  She got up and went out of the apartment. When she came back, Jill was leaning against Cate’s legs and her eyes were closed. Nessa realized that Jill was asleep. She told Cate that maybe she should bring Jill home and forget about the videos until some other time.

  “Don’t go yet,” said Cate. “Put her in the bedroom. It seems a shame to wake her. We can watch TV for a while anyway.”

  Nessa nodded. Jill hadn’t been sleeping well since Adam’s departure and she desperately wanted the little girl to have some rest. She carried her into the bedroom and laid her down on the bed. Jill slept on. Nessa watched her for a few moments.

  She hoped that she’d done the right thing. There had been a part of her that, despite everything, had thought that maybe she should stay with Adam because of Jill. But she knew that she couldn’t. She knew that the relationship had broken down too much. She’d never really thought that it would happen. She never thought she’d be strong enough to ask him to leave. She couldn’t have stayed married to him because of Jill. She could have stayed with him and been unhappy if there hadn’t been other women. But staying with him for the wrong reason was worse than telling him to go.

  She closed the bedroom door and walked back into the living room. Cate was looking for the remote control to turn off the video.

  “Jill had it,” said Nessa. “It might be under the sofa. It’s where most things Jill touches end up.” She groped beneath the furniture and her fingers found it. “Told you,” she said triumphantly as she pointed it at the TV and hit stop. Then she wished she hadn’t. Because Finn’s show was still on.

  “Leave it,” said Cate tightly. “Don’t turn it off.”

  Bree and Nessa looked at her. Her face was rigid as she looked at the screen. Finn was talking to the audience, wrapping up the show.

  “And so people are not always what they seem,” he told them. “But we make sweeping generalizations. And, of course, we live our lives always wanting something more than we have, whether it’s fame or money or critical acclaim. When we get it, it isn’t always what we expected.” He turned to face a different camera and spoke again. The move had been unexpected. The cameraman had to pan in on him rapidly. “I want to share something with you,” he told the audience. “The same way as my guests tonight shared things with you. I always wanted to be what I am now. I wanted to work on TV. I wanted people to listen to me. But because I was so obsessed with that idea, some of the people I loved most thought it was more important to me than anything else. And maybe, for a time, it was. But it’s not. And I want all of those people to know that. Especially Cate.”

  Nessa and Bree both gasped. Cate’s eyes were still fixed on the screen. She said nothing.

  Finn smiled at the audience. “I messed up with my girlfriend because I was a prat,” he told them. “I blamed her for things going wrong when it was just as much my fault.”

  There was a murmur from the audience.

  Finn shrugged. “I doubt very much that she’s watching this program tonight. Poor girl had to put up with me practicing for months, she’s heard it all already.”

  There was laughter in the studio.

  “I thought for a while about saying this on TV. I don’t want people to think I’m some kind of self-serving egoist. I didn’t tell my producer I was going to do this which is why you see people at the edges of the studio looking very worried and why the autocue man is having hysterics at the moment.”

  There was more laughter in the studio. A smile flickered across Cate’s lips.

  Finn wiped his brow with the back of his hand. “This is difficult, you know. When I was talking to Misty,”—he gestured to one of his guests, a well-known soap star—“and she was telling us about her trouble in finding a bloke who didn’t think of her as her actual character, I suddenly realized how lucky I’d been. And how stupid. And I know that hijacking the airwaves to tell someone that you love them is totally crass and very unsophisticated but, well,”—he wiped his brow again,—“Cate, I love you.”

  He smiled his quirky smile and looked at the audience again. “If she doesn’t come back to me, I’ll take it on the chin. If she does, you’ll know next week. Thanks for being with me tonight. And thanks for watching.”

  “Cate!” Nessa jumped up. “Cate, he loves you. He said it on national television.”

  Cate said nothing. She clenched and unclenched her fists.

  “Oh, Cate, do you believe he’s actually done that?” asked Bree. “He’s told the whole country that he loves you. Isn’t that just fantastic?”

  “Maybe.” Her face was expressionless.

  “Only maybe?” Bree looked surprised. “Cate, the man bared his soul in front of the whole country tonight.”

  “Great ratings,” said Cate.

  Nessa put her arm around Cate’s shoulders. “I don’t think he did it for the ratings,” she said. “He looked—well, genuine.”

  “He always looks genuine,” said Cate. “That’s part of his charm.”

  “He must have meant it,” said Bree. “Oh, Cate, you can’t think that it’s all a con!”

  Cate smiled a little. “You’ve gone from being the most cynical girl on earth to the most love-struck person I know,” she told Bree. “All because of Declan Morrissey I suppose.”

  “Cate, I’m not love-struck,” said Nessa. “And if anyone knows anything about being cynical or lying bastard blokes trying to fool you, I’m your woman! I allowed Adam to lie to me and I allowed myself to believe him. But Finn didn’t look as though he was lying. He looked as though he meant it.”

  “It’s a brilliant career move,” said Cate. “If I go back to him, everyone will think he’s Mr. Sensitive. And if I don’t, they’ll think I’m Miss Callous Bitch.”

  “They won’t,” said Bree. “If you go back to him they’ll be happy for you. And if you don’t, they’ll know that he must be a right shit that you didn’t fall for his routine tonight and his career will go down the toilet!”

  Cate laughed suddenly. “Maybe.”

  Her mobile phone rang and she looked at it warily.

  “Let me,” said Nessa who picked it up and answered it.

  “Actually, yes, we did see it,” she said and then mouthed the word “Mum” at her sisters. “Wel,l I know, it does put a different complexion on things. We’re talking about it now.”

  She was silent and then passed the phone over to her sister.

  “I don’t know wh
at I’ll do,” said Cate having listened to Miriam for a while. “But I’m not going to do anything rash.”

  She spoke to her mother for a little longer then ended the call.

  “He did sound genuine, didn’t he?” Her voice was faintly hopeful.

  “Absolutely,” said Bree and Nessa in unison. “Absolutely.”

  38

  Sun in Sagittarius, Moon in Gemini

  Looking for a long and stable relationship

  through trial and error.

  Normally Finn had a drink with the guests and the production team after the show. It was his wind-down time when he came off the high that a successful show gave him and when he felt the adrenaline buzz start to fade. But he didn’t stay this time. He popped his head around the door of the hospitality room, wished everyone goodnight, and walked to the exit.

  “Finn!” The producer waved at him.

  He turned around. “Hi, Carol.”

  “Finn, don’t you ever do that to me again.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “This show isn’t your personal confession box,” she said.

  “I know.”

  She looked at him sympathetically. “It’ll probably do the ratings no harm.”

  “I didn’t do it for the ratings,” he said. “I wasn’t going to do it at all. But I suddenly thought that maybe a big gesture would make her believe that I really care about her.”

  “Oh, Finn.” Carol shook her head and her long earrings jangled. “Girls don’t want big gestures. That’s a male myth. We want someone to be there when we’re down and someone to share things with when we’re up. We can do without the flowers and the chocolates and everything else once we know that we have someone to depend on.”

  “Is it really that simple?” asked Finn.

  “Of course it is.” Carol smiled at him. “You’re supposed to be the voice of the nation. Surely you know that already?”

  “I wish.” Finn sighed. “I thought I knew everything I needed to know. I prided myself on being a sensitive sort of bloke. But when it came down to it, I wasn’t.”

  “She’ll forgive you,” said Carol. “We mightn’t need the big gesture but it sure as hell takes some beating.”

  “She didn’t return my phone call,” said Finn. “It was the only thing I could think of.”

  “Maybe she’ll phone you tonight,” said Carol.

  “Maybe,” said Finn, although his tone was doubtful.

  It was nearly midnight by the time he got back to the apartment. He opened the door and let himself in. As always, since Cate’s departure, he was struck by how empty it seemed. Cate had been a neat and tidy person but he missed the scent of her perfume or seeing her jacket on the rail when he came home. He missed the curve of her body beside his in the bed at night and the way she closed her eyes tightly shut in the morning to stay asleep when he got up. He sighed and thought that he hadn’t always been very considerate in the mornings because he knew that he always woke her even though she never said anything.

  He flopped down on the leather couch and draped his legs over the armrest. The big gesture had been inconsiderate too, he realized now, putting her under pressure and no doubt making her feel uncomfortable. He hadn’t meant to do that but he’d acted without thinking. Selfishly, he thought. Putting his feelings before hers again. After all, he’d been the one to ask her to leave. Why should she suddenly decide that she’d want to come back?

  Maybe she was happier without him. She’d reconciled herself to the idea of her pregnancy and he knew how much she’d feared it; there was no reason for her not to reconcile herself to being a single parent either. She was such a capable person she could easily build a life for herself and for the baby without him. She was already doing that, wasn’t she? He didn’t even know where she lived anymore. How was it, he wondered bleakly, that everything had once been so right and now it was so wrong?

  At first he thought he’d imagined the sound of the buzzer. He’d closed his eyes and was trying to empty his mind of any thoughts. And noise of the buzzer had seemed to come from miles away. Then he heard it again. And he shot out of the couch and pressed the intercom.

  “It’s me,” said Cate.

  “Come up.” He wiped his hands on the seat of his trousers.

  She looked different, he thought, as he led her into the apartment but she didn’t look pregnant because the gray tracksuit was loose and he couldn’t see any discernible bump. Her hair was clipped back from her face in a style he hadn’t seen before. She wore no eye shadow and only a smear of lip gloss. She looked beautiful, he thought, and she still wore the same perfume.

  “Would you like something to drink?” he asked. “Wine, water?”

  “Water would be nice.” She walked over to the couch and sat down. The lights of the coast road gleamed their familiar orange through the apartment window.

  “Here you are.” He handed her a long glass filled with sparkling water.

  “Thanks.”

  He sat in the armchair opposite her. “I guess you saw the show.”

  “Only the beginning and the end actually,” she said. She sipped her water. “I watched Friends during the middle.”

  “Friends?” He frowned. “I thought you didn’t like Friends. You were scathing when I brought home those videos.”

  “Nessa and Bree came over and we were supposed to be watching something else,” said Cate. “But we got stuck on Friends and then you came on. It threw us a little.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “For the show. My producer told me afterward that it was not the thing to have done.”

  “Might be good for your ratings, though.”

  “She said that too.”

  “Why did you have to blab all that stuff on television?” she asked. “It’s private between us, Finn.”

  “Because I wanted to make a grand gesture,” he told her. “Carol said that women didn’t really need big gestures but…” he faltered. “She was probably right.”

  “It was certainly big,” said Cate. “And of course she was right. Gestures are only gestures. They don’t mean much in the end.”

  “It got you here though,” Finn said. “I didn’t think anything else would. You didn’t phone me back.”

  “Why should I?” asked Cate. “You didn’t leave a message.”

  “Your office said you were on holiday,” Finn told her. “I thought you might ring when you got back. I could hardly believe you were away. You were always difficult to persuade that you needed time off.”

  “I went with Nessa and Bree,” said Cate.

  “You didn’t!” For the first time his tone was entirely natural. “How on earth did you three manage to spend a whole week together?”

  “It was surprisingly good fun,” said Cate. “They got drunk a lot and I watched them.”

  “What’s the story about Nessa and Adam?” asked Finn. “Have they sorted out their problems?”

  “It depends on what you mean by sorted out,” said Cate. “They’ve separated.”

  “Oh.” Finn’s looked uncomfortable. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “It was the right thing for her to do,” Cate told him. “He was cheating on her with at least two other women.”

  “No!” Finn’s expression was shocked. “I never would have believed it. He seemed such a home-loving sort of man.”

  “He loved home all right,” said Cate. “But he also wanted to play away. At first Nessa didn’t believe it—that was when she thought there was only one of them. Then Bree found out about a second woman. We told Nessa on holiday one night when she rang home and discovered that he was allegedly working late. Of course he was actually with one of them. She flipped. It was a case of straws and camels’ backs, I think.”

  “It’s a pity all the same,” said Finn. “They seemed to have so much going for them.”

  “C’est la vie,” said Cate lightly.

  “Do you want some more water?” asked Finn.

  She nodded. “But it runs
through me,” she told him. “I’ll be in the bathroom in five minutes.”

  He smiled at her and returned with another glass. This time he’d floated a slice of lemon on the top. The lemon was ancient, he’d found it in a bowl on the worktop. “I suppose we should talk about things.” He looked uncomfortable.

  “You’ve said it all, haven’t you? To everyone who’d listen. You think you love me?” Her tone was cool.

  “I do love you,” said Finn. “But I didn’t say the right things.”

  Cate shrugged and rubbed her finger along her empty glass.

  “I suppose what I really should’ve said is that I’m sorry.” The words came quickly and she looked up at him, startled. “I am sorry, you know,” he said. “I was horrible to you Cate.”

  To her dismay she could feel a lump in her throat and tears prick at the back of her eyes. She said nothing.

  “To say that I was shocked isn’t an excuse. I mean, I was shocked, but that doesn’t make any difference. I treated you very badly.”

  She gulped her water. The bubbles got up her nose and made her eyes run. She wiped them with the tips of her fingers.

  “When Tiernan Brennan phoned me, I couldn’t believe what he was saying,” Finn continued. “He told me that he’d met you in the restaurant of the airport hotel and that you were having a meal all on your own and that you were supposed to be getting the last flight to London but he reckoned that you’d missed it.” Finn took a deep breath. “I asked him was he sure you were still in Dublin because I thought you’d caught the flight and he got very flustered and said that maybe he’d spoken out of turn.”

  “You hadn’t heard from him in months but he rings you up to tell tales about me and pretends to be flustered?” Cate looked disdainful.

  “I know.” Finn rubbed the back of his neck. “He’d had a few drinks, had Tiernan. He wanted to know if I’d meet him for some more in town since both of our girlfriends were clearly having better fun without us.”

  “Trouble-making shit,” said Cate.

  “I said I was too busy. I rang your mobile but I got your voicemail and I couldn’t think of what to say. I thought you might phone me. But I knew there was something seriously wrong. You’d told me already that you were in London. You’d lied. So I assumed the worst.”