After the song had played a dozen or so times, we stopped and I gathered my keys to take her back to her apartment.
Once we were both seated, waiting for my truck to warm up, she covered her hand over my hand that was resting on the console. “Thank you, Bryant.” I felt the cold drifting off her skin and that made me want to pull her over the console and warm her body with my own.
“You probably need a few more sessions with me until you’re doing it without thinking about it.” I cocked my head to the side, hoping she would agree to another round.
Once the truck warmed, I drove down the driveway and got onto the main road.
“Is that so?” That laugh again.
I nodded, my eyes still trained on the road. She kept quiet for the rest of the ride to her place. She said so much without even talking. Silence wasn’t a stranger to her.
When we pulled up to a parking space in front, I got out of the truck and opened the door for her. Before she could say anything, I said, “I know, not a date.”
She bit her lip and closed her eyes for a brief moment. As they opened again I could see a sliver of a difference in the way she looked at me. “We’re close but not there yet.”
“In that case,” I licked my lips, “I better present you with a few rules by Monday.”
She gathered her purse from the floor board and walked passed me, turning around to face me after she’d taken a few steps. “I mean it, thank you. For everything you did today. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not a mom anymore and that scares me more than the day I found out I was going to be one.”
I decreased the distance between us by marching toward her. She was frozen in that moment, unsure of what I might do. Hell, at this point I don’t even know what I planned on doing. It all came as an immediate reaction to the words she let come past those lips.
I cupped my hands around her face and make her look at me. “You are a mom. You’ll always be a mom. Just because Haylie is there and not here doesn’t take away the title you rightfully possess.” I stared at her for a few moments, trying to read her in any way. I wanted to receive some sort of reaction out of her. How did she feel in this position? With my hands resting against her cheeks and my face remarkably close to her?
Her breath quickened but she didn’t move. We were both staring at each other, waiting for the next move. I shut my mind down, excluding it from what was about to happen and why it was a bad idea. I acted on instinct alone. A very misplaced and fucked up instinct that appeared out of nowhere. This entire time, I had been thinking of doing it and then refusing to let it happen. For the sake of her. For the sake of neither of us being ready for it.
My lips fell tenderly to hers. I tried to kiss away the pain. I tried to kiss away the affliction that ravished her body each day. I tried to kiss away the sadness that hide in the reflection of her eyes. At this point, I didn’t want the kiss for myself. I wanted it for her. Her lips were warm against mine, moving as if she was accepting what was happening. I heard her purse drop to the concrete below and her hands reached up and tugged the sweatshirt I was wearing. It’s as though she wanted me to get closer, even though I was close as physically possible.
I refused to think, letting her body take what it needed. My tongue slide across her top lip and she groaned, meeting my tongue with her own. The kiss, starting slow at first, had escalated. She clawed at my body, her moans breaking the harmony of the snow fall. My hands fell away from her face and I started tugging at the fabric at the back of her sweater. I pinned her hips against me and a groan floated past her lips. No doubt she could feel everything she was doing to me.
Her teeth scratched across my bottom lip and it made me want to open my truck door back up and throw her in the backseat. A million R-rated thoughts invaded my mind, not a single innocent one played out to remind me I hadn’t even taken her out on a date. As if she could read my mind she stepped away, breaking our connection. Her breaths were coming out ragged and her lips swollen from desire. She picked up her purse and shook her head in quick movements, as though she were trying to rid herself of the memory of the kiss.
“Amberly…” I let my words trail off, unsure of what I was trying to say to begin with. I couldn’t tell her I was sorry because I wasn’t. That kiss did more than turn us both on. It woke up her senses, senses that had been dead for a long time.
She held up a hand, her other hand covering her lips. I couldn’t let her say what I knew she was about to say. I stopped her. I held her face in my hands, both stunned by what I was doing.
“Before you say that this was a mistake, before you say that you regret giving in to my advances, I need you to know something. I don’t want anything from you, Amberly. I’m not asking for anything you aren’t ready to give. But, I’m ready. I’m ready to give you everything you need, even if I get nothing in return. If the only thing I get out of this, whatever this is, is seeing you smile again, seeing you live again, that’s enough for me.”
She tried to look down, but I wouldn’t let her. I needed her to look at me to see the truth that I couldn’t show her with my words. She gave up easier than I expected, meeting my gaze with a heated one of her own. I could see her weighing my words, seeing if I was being honest with her. I was. I was just lying to myself. I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t need her as much as I felt she needed me. The moments with her couldn’t be about that though. They had to be about what she wanted, about what she needed. I just wanted her. In whatever way I could have her.
“I know you need to heal yourself before you can think about anyone else. I meant what I said when I told you I would have my buddy look into your car crash.” I felt her go rigid beneath my touch, the words still had her on edge when anyone, including her, said them.
I gave her a few moments to respond, to conjure a reply to everything I had said. She didn’t. She kept looking at me, her eyes asking me to promise her I would do anything I could to help.
So, I did. “I promise you. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you heal.” I don’t think she would have responded, but I didn’t give her a chance to. I kissed her again. This time with less passion and more assurance. Assurance that my words weren’t like the other men she’d had in her life. I wasn’t talking to erase the silence.
I pulled away and heard a sigh of relief release itself. “Thank you, Bryant. For everything.”
The softness in her voice broke my heart. It gave me more insight than anything she would ever tell me. I could hear how everyone else had let her down and what I was offering ignited sparks of hope. I knew all too well how much hope could get you through the darkness in the world.
She picked up her purse and I watched her walk away until she was beyond the door to her apartment. I even watched her shadow through the curtains for several minutes before getting back inside my truck.
My cell phone rang loud against the silence of my truck. Any other time I would have some sort of country song playing, but right now I needed to think about how I was going to fulfill the most important promise I had ever made. I answered without even checking the caller ID.
“Hey bro!”
Lucas’ voice came through the small speaker. He sounded too damn chipper, and I wasn’t in the mood. “What’s up?” I ground out.
“Can you swing by? I did some digging on Sadie Wilcox.”
Did I even care? I wasn’t sure I would go back to work at the police station. I couldn’t just kiss Amberly and run off. She might think the little trust I’d gotten out of her tonight was for nothing.
“Be there in ten.”
I snapped my phone shut and tossed it onto the passenger seat, evidence of Amberly from minutes ago still traced in the cloth.
Chapter 13
Written In The Sand
Amberly
My lips burned from absence of Bryant. I ran my fingertips over them, betrayal sinking into me. My lips wanted his touch but I didn’t. It wasn’t right. I wasn’t ready for any of this. As butterflies sailed into
my body, I had to question how much truth I was telling myself.
“Did you fuck him?” Cricket’s voice drifted from the kitchen.
I huffed and threw my purse onto the counter in front of her. She inched a coffee mug in my direction. “Thank you.” I brought the cup up to my mouth and blew at the contents. It splashed against the sides. “No, I didn’t.” I added.
A smirk arose. “Be honest.” She pressed.
I fell to the chair beside me, careful not to let any of the liquid erupt out of the cup. “I am being honest.”
She threw the kitchen towel she was holding to the counter and rested her hands on her hips. “If you’re being honest you are more boring than I thought. Did you at least touch him at all?”
I wanted to keep the day a secret, not admitting it ever happened. I had dropped my guard and let Bryant in. I wasn’t sure at what moment I started wanting to trust him. It could have been at the graveyard. It could have been the events after that. To be truthful, after the graveyard, I hadn’t shed a single tear. At the time, I was happy about that because I hadn’t even realized it had occurred. Now, I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. My daughter was dead. I didn’t get to enjoy life, but Bryant had turned the day around. I felt he didn’t have the right to do that. Could I let him help me get the justice that Haylie deserved and then break away from him?
“What’s going on in that brain of yours, Amby?”
I bit the side of my cheek, her words breaking me out of my thoughts….my very confusing thoughts. “He kissed me.” I averted my eyes as I let the truth slip past my lips.
I didn’t need to look up to see the wide smile on Cricket’s face. “Wow. How did it feel?”
Cricket wasn’t the type of girl whose voice turned into a high-pitched squeal as she asked for further details. I imagined she usually wouldn’t ask for any details from anyone else she was friends with. Just me. Because I hadn’t been kissed in over a year. That, for most people, was a big deal. It was for me too.
“It was…...okay.” I murmured. I hoped the lack of enthusiasm would have her halting any further questions about it. In reality it was the best damned kiss I had ever had. His lips fit with mine, as if we were two puzzle pieces who were getting attached back together where they belonged. Incredible.
Cricket sighed. “You’re so boring. I was hoping Mr. Better-Than-Orgasm-On-A-Stick man would have you raving about his performance, giving him nothing less than a five-star review. In fact, I think you're fibbing. He can't be that damn good looking and not at least be a good kisser. Lousy in bed? Maybe. Good kisser? No way."
At this, I laughed, coffee spewing out from my mouth. “Ah, it burns.” I jumped up and fanned my sweatshirt, watching as the coffee streaked its way down the front.
Cricket laughed with me, tossing me the kitchen towel. “That’s going to leave a stain.”
From the outside looking in, the scene played like a normal one. There was no hint that one of us was broken. That one of us was fighting the forces that wanted her to continue the life she was meant to live. I wasn’t sure what kept me smiling though my mind was going crazy at how wrong it was for me to carry on. Maybe it was Bryant’s promise, a promise that meant more to me than any other significant second of my life. He had no idea how much his actions and words meant to me. I also believed him. Every syllable that came from him, I clung to. I didn’t question them because he had said them with so much conviction that I couldn’t find it in myself to think he would go to such great lengths to make it believable.
I blotted at my sweater, the imminent stain not phasing me a bit. “Let me guess, you were reviewing a few books today?”
Cricket shrugged, a beaming smile still plastered in place. “Maybe. Oh, before I forget, I’m staying at Adam’s tonight.” She walked out of the kitchen and down the hallway. “Admit that he was off the charts.” She spun around, her hands in her back pockets. “We can all move on with our lives once you do.” She left me with a gaping mouth.
I rolled my eyes. Cricket's ultimate plan was coming into place, but I couldn't let her think it'd go any further. Because it wouldn't. Would it? No. I shook my head forcefully, more to myself than anything. I was letting it happen. I was letting myself get too close to Bryant. I was letting his words lessen my ability to say no. He had said all the right things and I was falling for it.
I poured out the now-cold coffee into the sink and sat it down before retreating to my bedroom. Soon, the apartment would be empty. Well, as empty as it could possibly be. I wasn’t a loud person unless Cricket was around. Sometimes, I didn’t know how to entertain myself without her. I closed my bedroom door behind me and began dumping my books on my mattress. I had a few days to study for my finals, but I could pass them without looking at the material again.
I had never thought I’d be trying to go to college in my late twenties. I was older than the other students, which felt awkward at first. With time, I was able to push aside the thoughts that college was just like high school. It wasn’t unless you let it be. If you stayed to yourself, no one cared. You weren’t labeled a stuck-up bitch or loner. Topics didn’t revolve around you.
I scanned over the sentences I had highlighted and jotted down a few definitions I would need to be familiar with. During this process, I heard Cricket gathering up her belongings. She popped her head in and frowned. “Is this what you’re going to be doing all night?”
I flipped the highlighter I was holding in the air and it landed with a thud onto my mattress. “Maybe.”
She rolled her eyes and kicked the door open. She started tapping the screen of her phone. “I may or may not have invited Bryant over here. Love you, Amby!”
She disappeared before I could reply.
I retrieved the highlighter and nervously beat it against my text book. There’s no way she would have text Bryant. Would she? I retrained my focus to the words in front of me, trying my hardest to get my mind off of Bryant.
I had given up wondering if she really had invited him over after twenty minutes, my mind memorizing everything I was reading in front of me. A knock at the door shattered hopes that she wasn’t serious. I groaned and hopped up from my bed. Through the peep hole, I saw Bryant standing there with a box in his hands. I swung open the door and leaned against the doorframe, pretending that his presence didn’t affect me at all.
“Can I come in?”
I lifted myself, using my tiptoes to try getting a glance in the box. “What’s that?”
He raised his eyebrows and used the box to gesture towards the warmth of my apartment. He rushed inside and dropped the box by the coffee table instead of on it.
“That’s a little heavy.” He joked, out of breath. “I went over to Lucas’ house.”
I shut the door and wrapped my arms around my chest. “Lucas?”
Bryant pointed at the box in front of us. “Yeah, um, he and I used to work together. He’s been checking out some other things for me and he was the buddy I was telling you about. He dug up some information from your wreck. I asked him to get it for me.”
I let surprise fill me. Though I believed the words he’d told me before, I didn’t imagine he would make that promise one of his top priorities.
He jammed his hands back into the pockets of his jeans. “I don’t know what’s in there, I haven’t gone through it. I figure that’s something you need to do alone.”
I nodded, at a loss for words. Even a thank you didn’t seem like enough right now. I walked in his direction until I was in front of him. I couldn’t look anywhere but at his lips, the same lips that had been kissing me earlier. The same lips that had taken me away into the moment with him. The same lips that had seemed to solve every issue I had while they were touching mine.
I didn’t bother looking into his eyes, knowing without seeing them that I was affecting him in all of the ways he affected me. I kissed him and the moment my lips touched his, his arms folded around me like they belonged there. We fell down to the couch, me strad
dling him. The kissing, the groping, the heavy breathing lingered, neither of us making any effort to stop it. We let it happen. I let myself feel him. I felt the way he tensed, trying to determine how I would react to any movement he made. If his hands drifted up my thighs and to my hips, would I jump up and run away? If he twisted himself so my back was against the couch, would I protest? If he let his lips falter from mine and down to the crevice of my neck would I push him off of me? I felt how tender he kissed me knowing without a doubt he was holding back.
I stopped briefly so I could catch my breath. We panted, wanting more. Needing more.
“Amberly, we need to stop this.” He lifted his hand until his fingertips touched the area directly below my neck. He stared at that area like it was the most fascinating portion of my body that he’d ever had the pleasure of seeing.
He leaned his head against the back of the couch, leaving me a little embarrassed at my decision to make any sort of move. I started to get up, stopping when he tugged on my wrists. “Don’t.”
“You said we need to stop so that’s what I’m doing.”
He tilted his head back down to look at me. “I meant that you aren’t ready for this. We aren’t ready for this. You’re set on a mission and I’m here to back you on that, not take advantage of the situation.”
“I’m the one taking advantage I think.”
He laughed, his fingertips touching that area again. “Can I kiss you here?”
Slowly, I felt my head move up and down. He angled himself closer, moving in slow motion. His breath heated my skin before his lips covered it. I hesitated at first but then moved my hands to the back of his head, holding him there, though I knew he wouldn’t break away any time soon. If any physical connection between two human beings could elicit the most powerful emotions, this was it. I wanted to stay like this, with him, forever.
“I’ve got to get going.” He said, crushing the connection I knew he could feel too. It was too powerful. Too dangerous for two people who had scars that no one else could see.
Unbreak Me Page 8