Get Smart 7 - Max Smart - The Spy Who Went Out to the Cold

by William Johnston

  “I’m safe, too,” Abdul said.

  Von BOOM touched a finger to his lips. “Shhh-shh-shhh!” He motioned to Max and 99 and drew them aside, behind a tent. “Don’t give me away,” he said.

  “Give you away?”

  “Von Sydesheau doesn’t know I’m a scientist,” von BOOM explained. “He thinks I’m a native. He gave me the starring part in his picture. He says I’m a natural. I’m playing the title role—Moby Dick.”

  “Von BOOM, the leading role is the part of Captain Ahab,” Max said. “Moby Dick is the whale.”

  “Shhh! Don’t tell von Sydesheau!”

  “You mean he’s shooting the picture and he doesn’t— This is ridiculous! Professor, you’re not an actor. And, besides, you have a duty to your country. You’re supposed to be getting the bugs out of your lightweight rocket fuel.”

  “I say, leave it alone, maybe they’ll drown,” von BOOM said.

  “But you’re a scientist!”

  “That was yesterday,” von BOOM replied. “Today, I’m a Star.”

  Max sighed gloomily. “How did you get here, anyway?” he said.

  “I was looking for 99’s shoulders, and I guess I got lost,” von BOOM replied. “Then, when the storm died down, we—”

  “We?”

  “I was on his shoulders,” Abdul said. “But I’m safe now.”

  “We saw this ship sailing toward us,” von BOOM went on. “I waved my arms and yelled Help! Help! Help!”

  “I just sat there,” Abdul said. “I thought it was a mirage.”

  “To make a long story short, the ship sailed up to us,” von BOOM continued, “and von Sydesheau offered me the part in his picture. He liked the way I yelled. In the picture, my big line is: ‘Thar she Blows!’ ” He started to wander away.

  Max grabbed him and led him back. “Try not to use that word ‘line,’ ” he said.

  Von BOOM started to wander away again.

  Once more, Max retrieved him. “And I won’t use it, either,” he said. “Now, look, Professor—think what you’re doing. You studied for years to become a scientist. You worked hard to reach the top in your profession. All that work and study must have meant something to you. Why did you do it?”

  “Because nobody ever offered to make me a Star before,” von BOOM replied.

  “Let me talk to him,” Abdul said.

  “I would appreciate that,” Max replied gratefully.

  Abdul addressed von BOOM. “Don’t listen to this bum,” he said, indicating Max. “You don’t have to. You’re a Star. Say the word, and I’ll have him tossed off the set.”

  “Thanks just oodles,” Max said grimly. “I’ll remember this when you come around to collect your guide fee.”

  “Who needs it?” Abdul shrugged. “As of today, I’m out of the rent-a-guide business. I’m the agent to a Star.”

  Max turned to von BOOM. “He is your agent?” he said incredulously.

  “I gave him the job when we were lost out there on the desert,” the Professor replied. “As long as I was carrying him around on my back, anyway, I figured he might as well be my agent.”

  “Don’t bother my Star with any more questions,” Abdul said to Max and 99. “He has to rehearse his line.”

  Von BOOM wandered off.

  This time, Max let von BOOM’s agent chase after him.

  “Max, what are we going to do?” 99 fretted.

  “We have no choice, 99,” Max replied. “I hate to be the one to destroy a career, but— Duty first. We have to get von BOOM back on the track. I’m going to snitch. I’m going to tell von Sydesheau that von BOOM is really a scientist.”

  “Max, I’m not sure that will work. He found him out in the middle of the desert. Will he believe that he’s a scientist?”

  “He found us out in the middle of the desert, too, 99, and he believed that we’re secret agents.”

  “You’re right, Max.”

  Max and 99 found von Sydesheau and informed him that, in fact, von BOOM was a scientist. Von Sydesheau threw back his head and roared with laughter.

  “You don’t believe it?” Max said.

  “As much as I believed that ridiculous story about you two being secret agents,” von Sydesheau replied. He winked at Max. “Spying on the sand, eh?”

  Max and 99 retreated.

  That night, when the camp was silent, Max and 99, by prearrangement, slipped out of their separate tents and met near the stern of the ship.

  “So far, so good, 99,” Max whispered. “Everybody’s asleep, and, luckily, von Sydesheau didn’t think to post any guards.”

  “It probably didn’t occur to him that we would try to kidnap his Star, Max.”

  “I don’t know why not. That’s the way it would happen in a movie.” He motioned, then set out through the darkness, with 99 following close behind. “Von BOOM’s tent is just a short distance from here.”

  “How will we know it, Max? In the dark, all these tents look alike.”

  “There’ll be no mistaking it, 99. It—” he pointed. “There, shining in the moonlight . . . see?”

  “Oh . . . yes. Isn’t that interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before . . . a star on the flap.”

  “All right, 99, from this moment on, let’s maintain absolute silence. If we create a commotion and rouse the camp, we may never get another chance to get von BOOM out of here.”

  “Suppose he cries out, Max?”

  “I’m going to gag him.”

  “Please be gentle, Max. Remember, down deep, he’s on our side—he’s one of the Good Guys.”

  “99, I don’t like doing this any more than you do. But our space program depends on it.”

  “Max . . . couldn’t we talk to him about it again? It wouldn’t hurt to try, would it?”

  “Absolutely pointless, 99. We wouldn’t even know what he answered.”

  “Why, Max?”

  “Because he’ll be gagged. Now, come on, 99.”

  Silently, they moved forward through the darkness. A few moments later they reached the entrance to von BOOM’s tent. Quietly, Max opened the flap. He crept into the tent, with 99 right behind him.

  “Can you see him, Max?”

  “Shhhh!”

  Max moved on alone. A few seconds later, there was a sudden sound of scuffling, and a muffled outcry.

  “Max—are you all right?”

  “Not so loud, 99!”

  “Sorry, Max. But are you all right? Do you have him?”

  “Yes, 99—plus.”

  “Plus what, Max?”

  “Plus my left foot.”

  “Max . . . could you explain that?”

  “First, 99, I gagged him, then I threw a blanket over him and gathered the blanket at the top to make a kind of sack out of it. But . . . Well, after all, 99, I am working in the dark.”

  “You have your foot in the bag?”

  “If you want the whole story—my foot and my ankle.”

  “Can’t you just take your foot out, Max?”

  “To do that, 99, I’ll have to open the sack. And if I open the sack, he might escape. Frankly, 99, he isn’t too happy about this. He’s— Ouch! He’s twisting my ankle.”

  “Wait, Max, I’ll try to help you. If I can just—”

  There was a loud crash. Then silence again.

  “Thank you, 99,” Max said. “That worked very well.”

  “All I did, Max, was bump into something.”

  “I know. But it helped. What ever you bumped into must have been fairly solid. It hit von BOOM. He’s unconscious—and I have my foot back.”

  “Max! Is he hurt?”

  “He’s fine. He has a good pulse and he’s breathing deeply and evenly. Now, for Heaven’s sake, let’s get out of here!”

  Between them, Max and 99 lifted the sack. They left the tent, then the camp, and headed out into the desert.

  “This is a snap,” Max said enthusiastically. “The weather is cool, the baggage is light, the moon is out, your daddy’
s rich, and your mammy’s good-lookin’.”

  “What, Max?”

  “Sorry, 99—I got a little carried away.”

  “But what about in the morning, Max, when the sun comes out, and the moon goes in? The weather will be hot, and the baggage will seem heavy.”

  “What about daddy and mammy?”

  “Max!”

  “We’ll just have to rely on gumption and fortitude, 99. It will be tough, I know. But if we grit our teeth, keep our chins up high, and grin, nothing can stop us.”

  “We have no water, Max.”

  “We couldn’t drink it, anyway.”

  “Why not, Max?”

  “99, have you ever tried to drink while gritting your teeth, keeping your chin up, and grinning? It’s impossible.”

  Through the rest of the night, they pushed on. By sunrise, they had left the camp far behind, out of sight. Gradually, the sun became hotter. Their pace slowed. Soon, they were scarcely able to drag themselves forward.

  “Max . . .” 99 gasped “. . . couldn’t we put our burden down?”

  “We can’t leave von BOOM here, 99. Not after carrying him all this distance.”

  “Max . . . I meant . . . can’t he walk? Why do we have to carry him?”

  “Oh. As a matter of fact, I was just going to suggest that.”

  They lowered the sack to the sand, then Max opened it. From the blanket, Abdul Bim-Bam-Bom peered up at them.

  “Talk about your mirages, 99,” Max said. “I’ll bet you can’t guess who the Professor looks like to me this morning.”

  “Max! It isn’t von BOOM!” 99 wailed.

  “I was afraid of that,” Max said glumly. He addressed Abdul Bim-Bam-Bom. “All right, fella, I think you owe us an explanation,” he said crossly. “What’s the idea of trying to pass yourself off as Professor von BOOM. You’ll never get away with it, you know. You don’t know a thing about rocket fuels.”

  “Grgmpphblt!” Abdul replied.

  “I think you better un-gag him, Max,” 99 said.

  Max removed the gag.

  “I’m an innocent bystander,” Abdul protested. “I was sound asleep when suddenly somebody gagged me and rolled me up in a blanket. I fought like a wildcat. I had him by the foot. But then I was hit by a truck.”

  “Abdul, what were you doing in von BOOM’s tent?” 99 asked.

  “That was my agent’s fee,” Abdul replied. “Instead of paying cash, he told me I could sleep one night in the Star’s tent. What a story to tell my grandchildren. Now, of course, it’s even a better story. There I was, sound asleep in the Star’s tent, when suddenly a gang of desert bandits fell upon me, gagged me, and rolled me up in a pure silk sheet stolen from the Shah’s palace. I fought like two-dozen wildcats. I had about nine of them by the leg—up to the kneecap. But then I was hit by a low-flying super-sonic jet. Well, I was stunned for a second. But I was a strong, healthy lad in those days—about six-foot-seven, enormous muscles—”

  “Enough!” Max broke in.

  “Don’t you want to hear the part where, when I was a boy, I had to walk a mile to school every day through twelve feet of snow?” Abdul said.

  “What I want to hear is the part where you guide us back to the camp so we can make another try at kidnapping von BOOM,” Max replied.

  Abdul looked around. “I’m your prisoner—I have no choice, I guess. Which way is it?”

  “You’re the guide,” Max reminded him.

  “I’m a talent agent,” Abdul reminded him. “No wonder you’re lost—you don’t even know a talent agent from a tourist guide.”

  “Oh, Max . . .” 99 wept. “What can we do?”

  “Let’s wait for him to come to us,” Abdul suggested. “As soon as he finishes this picture, he’ll be looking for another job. And who will he come crying to on hands and knees? His agent.”

  “That won’t be for six months,” Max said. “Without water, I don’t think we’ll make it.”

  Abdul nodded, agreeing. “I don’t even think we could make it without ice cream sodas,” he said. “All we can do is hope for another sand storm.”

  “How will that help?” 99 asked.

  “Well, the last one brought us a ship,” Abdul replied. “If it can do it once, it can do it again.”

  “I hardly think we can count on that,” Max said. “That’s the kind of luck that—”

  “Max!” 99 suddenly cried. “Look! That dark cloud! Another sand storm!”

  “99, that’s very nice, but it isn’t a sand storm we need. What we need is—”

  “Max! Look! Sailing in front of the storm! The ship!”

  Max squinted into the distance. “Yes . . . and isn’t that . . . there in the rigging . . . isn’t that Professor von BOOM?”

  From across the desert came a shout: “Thar She Blows!”

  “He’s got his line down perfect,” Abdul cackled. “Is that a Star or is that a Star!”

  “All right, get ready everybody,” Max said. “When the ship gets here, we’ll all grab a rope and climb aboard.”

  “Not me,” Abdul said. “I stay here.”

  “But you’ll die out here in the desert,” 99 said.

  “Better than getting aboard a ship,” Abdul replied. “For you, it’s all right. But for me, it would be very dangerous. That ship has a hole in the bottom, you know.”

  “What does that have to do with it?” 99 asked.

  “I can’t swim,” Abdul explained.

  “Now!” Max shouted.

  The ship had reached them. Max and 99 ran alongside, then caught hold of ropes that were dangling down from the deck and, hand over hand, pulled themselves aboard. The wind whipped at them, swirling sand in their faces.

  “Get below!” Max shouted to 99. “I’ll get von BOOM!”

  “Max . . . you don’t have to . . . he’s coming down . . .”

  A few seconds later, von BOOM appeared, struggling against the wind to keep his balance. “I quit!” he shouted. “Get yourself another Moby Dick, von Sydesheau!”

  “I’m Smart!” Max shouted back.

  “I’m not as dumb as I used to be, either!” von BOOM shrieked. “You’ll never get me up in that rigging in a sand storm again!” He grabbed hold of Max, enraged. “ I could have been killed! I could have been blown overboard! And I can’t swim!”

  “All right! All right!” Max shrieked back. “If it makes you happy—you’re fired!”

  “Lucky I’ve got the scientist racket to fall back on,” von BOOM said.

  Fighting the wind and sand, the three grappled their way along the deck, looking for a hatchway. When they finally found one, they climbed down into the hold, out of the storm.

  Von BOOM was surprised to see Max and 99. “Somebody better go back on deck and get von Sydesheau,” he said.

  Max explained that the director was not on board.

  “Then that firing doesn’t count,” von BOOM groaned. “I’m still a Star.”

  “When we get back to civilization, you can resign by telegram,” Max suggested.

  “Forget it,” von BOOM shrugged. “Let him get the bad news from my agent.”

  They made themselves comfortable in the hold. Outside, the storm raged. And it continued that way for several days. Fortunately, there was food and water on the ship. Max was concerned, however, about where the wind was blowing them.

  “The way it’s blowing,” he said, “it could blow this ship right off the desert and into the ocean. We’d sink like a rock.”

  The following morning when Max awakened it looked as if his worst fear had come true. There was nearly a foot of water in the hold, and it was rising rapidly.

  He shook 99 and von BOOM. “Abandon ship!” he shouted. “We’re sinking like a rock!”

  They rushed up onto the deck. The storm had passed. Most of the ship was resting on a beach, but its prow was protruding into a river.

  “Max! We’re saved!” 99 squealed happily.

  “We may be safe, 99, but we’re still lost.” />
  “No, Max—look! There comes help. A houseboat. And it’s coming this way.”

  “Oh . . . yes. Isn’t that a woman at the helm? It’s a little hard to tell.”

  As the houseboat neared the ship, the skipper, a large, beefy woman in a captain’s uniform, waved to them. “Ho, there!” she bellowed. “Cap’n O’Patterer, Queen o’ the Nile, at yur service, mates!”

  “Max! It’s the Nile!” 99 said. “We found it!”

  “Dumb luck,” von BOOM muttered.

  “Not exactly,” Max said testily. “Dumb modus operandi would be more like it.”

  5.

  MAX, 99 and von BOOM climbed down to the beach, then waited for Cap’n O’Patterer to dock her houseboat.

  “If we can hitch a ride to Alexandria, all our problems are solved,” Max said. “From Alexandria, we can catch a plane to Russia. That’s where we’ll get the Trans Siberian Railway, which will take us to the Pacific, where we’ll take a submarine to Alaska. And, from Alaska, on to the Pole. It’s a cinch from here on out.”

  “She may not be going our way, Max,” 99 said.

  “In that case, we’ll rent her houseboat,” Max replied. “Money is the answer to everything, 99.”

  The boat ploughed into the beach and stopped and the big, beefy woman dropped an anchor over the side. “Looks like ya got yurself a peck o’ dum-doo-dee-doo-doo trouble there, Spike,” she said, addressing Max and indicating the ship.

  Max shook his head, “The ship isn’t ours,” he replied. “Our problem is getting to Alexandria. Are you by any chance going that way?”

  “Wouldn’t set foot in that town for a million beans and a pack o’ dum-doo-dee-doo-doo salty pork bacon!” Cap’n O’Patterer replied. “Last time I did, I near got runned down by a crosstown bus. That don’t never happen on the river, you can bet yur two-toed boots.”

  “Suppose I offered you a great deal of money?” Max suggested.

  “What’d I do with it? Buy me a million beans and a pack o’ dum-doo-dee-doo-doo salty pork bacon, that’s all. No gain there. Say, that’s a ding-dong beauty of four-master ya got there,” she continued, pointing to the ship again. “First one I ever seen that rolled on wheels. Got any idea of partin’ with it, Oscar?”

  “As I said, it isn’t ours,” Max replied. “Now—”