by West, T J
The air between us shifts and I am now being led over to an empty space where the bed is supposed to be. We both sit down on the dark wooden floor and lean against the wall. Danny releases my hand, brings up his knees and laces his fingers together on top. He doesn’t look at me, yet keeps his eyes facing the balcony. “I was five when my dad walked out on us. Never saw him again. Never got birthday cards, Christmas presents, no phone calls. Nothing. He just vanished, like he never existed. Like I never existed to him.” His tone is bitter, with a deep frustration and pain to follow. It’s not hard to feel it - his body gives off the vibe.
“What memories do you have with him?”
He shrugs. “I don’t remember a lot, but I remember him taking me to my first Arizona Diamondbacks game. I think I was four or….wait, I had just turned five. He took me for my birthday.”
“I’ve never been to a baseball game,” I mention.
He turns his head and grins. “Wow, okay, well we’re gonna have to get you to your first game next year,” he bumps shoulders with me. “What about you? Any special memories with your parents?”
“Yes,” I smile, remembering the past. “We used to do a lot of exploring, like camping, hiking, fishing -”
“Fishing?” Danny asks in surprise. “Never would have imagined you as someone who liked that sort of stuff.”
“Oh yeah, I loved it! I actually miss camping. After my parents passed, I never camped again. Melody hates anything to do with dirt, bugs and not taking showers,” I chuckle.
“Well, this is another thing we’ll have to do together.”
He sounds so hopeful. I’d love to do anything with Danny, and I hope one day we’ll be more than friends, but as of right now it just can’t work. “Yeah, maybe,” I shrug. I’m curious to know more about his upbringing. “Did your mom take you camping a lot?”
“Every so often, yeah, but Lucky and I used to camp several times a year.”
It’s nice to see Danny opening up to me. I really enjoy talking with him. “How’d you two meet?”
“We grew up together. Met in third grade.”
“Wow, that’s a long time.” I lean my elbow on my thigh, placing my chin on the palm of my hand. “I never stayed anywhere long enough to have a best friend. Mel and I were home schooled. Our parents were sorta like Gypsies; we never planted ourselves in one spot for too long. They loved traveling.”
Danny frowns. “Must have been hard on you.”
“Not really,” I shrug. “I didn’t know any different. It was just the way things were. But after being in San Diego all these years, I can’t see myself moving anywhere else. I believe my seed has finally been planted and watered,” I shyly chuckle.
We’re quiet for a few seconds.
“I’m glad you stayed,” Danny quietly says.
He gazes at me and my heart starts to pound a little faster. “Me too.” I smile and look down. I start to feel hot and bothered. I need to switch gears on our conversation. Every time we get quiet I start to feel things. So does he. I really hate ignoring our chemistry, but we need to remain friends. My next question is about him and his parents. I hope I don’t overstep any boundaries and make him shell up again. “So what about you? Do you have any memories with you, your mom and dad together?” I turn my body away from the wall and sit Indian style.
His body immediately stiffens. He shakes his head. “No, but I can’t get the vivid memory of him walking out on us and my mom crying.” His jaw hardens, I can see the muscles flex.
I can’t imagine what that must have been like for a little boy to witness. My heart breaks for him, so I do my best to ask the next question with care. “I know it still affects you after all this time, but…...eventually you’ll need to let it go. Holding on to this anger isn’t good and it won’t help you. Believe me I’ve been there.” My parents were hit by a drunk driver. For so many years I held such anger toward that person. I still feel angry at times, but I can’t let that define me anymore. Eventually I had to let it go. “And…..blaming Faith isn’t right.” I see him flinch, followed by the squeezing of his knuckles. I place my hand over them and immediately he releases the pressure. “It isn’t right,” I firmly repeat.
He exhales and suddenly stands up. “I’m done talking,” he holds out a hand for me and helps me up from the floor. “I need something to eat. You hungry?”
I feel defeated, yet I’m slowly opening that iron door of his. I take his hand and stand up. “Yes. What sounds good to you?”
“Mexican?” He suggests.
“Sure. I love Mexican food. One of my favorites.”
“Oh yeah? Mine too,” He winks with a smile. My God, he’s super hot. “Old Town has some of the best Mexican food. You wanna go down there?”
“Sure, I’ll meet you there.”
“No. We’ll go together.” I stop and stare at him. This is going to feel more like a date than going out to lunch with a friend. He sticks his hand out again, and playfully says, “Friends let friends drive. Come on,” he laughs.
I am hesitant, but take his hand anyways and agree to let him drive.
As we walk out to his car we look around us for any paparazzi. We escape without anyone bombarding us, thank goodness.
On the way to Old Town we listened to a playlist on Danny’s iPod. I was surprised to learn he loved country music. I’m not a huge fan of country, but when a Sam Hunt song started playing, I think I became an instant small fan. I also learned Danny has a great singing voice. Why he doesn’t sing as one of the leads is beyond me. I had to clench my thighs together, his voice almost had me orgasm. No matter how much he affects me in all the right places I cannot let him see it.
After we get seated we order a couple drinks, then our meal. I hadn’t had a margarita in a while so the moment the cool drink hits my mouth I sigh.
“How’s the margarita?” Danny smirks.
“Insanely good! Here, try some.” I hand him my glass after he takes a swig of his beer.
“Yeah, it’s good.” After a few tortilla chips have been munched on Danny says, “I’m sorry if I shut down on you earlier.”
I wipe my mouth with the napkin on my lap. “It’s okay, no worries.”
He looks around his surroundings, like someone might overhear us. “It’s just really hard for me to change.”
“Danny, really, it’s okay.” Without thinking, I place my hand on top of his. “It takes time to get through difficult situations, such as yours. I know it’s not easy.” He looks down at my hand. I can tell how much he wants to grab onto it. I swiftly take it away.
He then nods his head and takes another sip of his beer. He is a man of few words when he talks about himself; it’s easy for him to turn the tables and to ask me questions instead. “You mentioned your sister raising you. How much older is she than you?”
“Ten years. She was an aspiring singer, living in LA.”
“Huh. What happened? Is she not singing anymore?”
“No,” I slowly shake my head. “She sang and played the guitar, but then her hand got injured and she had to quit playing. Then quit singing. Some of our income came from her playing in night clubs.” It still makes me so sad to think how my sister gave up on everything after her injury. I wish she would at least try to sing again. She has the most beautiful voice.
“Wow. So what happened after that?”
I look down into my margarita, swirling the ice cubes around with the stirring straw. “I quit college, worked instead, and supported us both,” I say and take another drink.
“Didn’t know you went to college.” Danny is, yet again, surprised.
“Yep. I wanted to be an interior decorator.”
“I’m sorry you had to give it up.”
“Me too, but it’s okay,” I shrug. “We have managed. Plus I’ve been really happy at the hotel.”
“You haven’t been there for very long, so was this recent? The accident to her hand, I mean.”
The last thing I want Danny to know is
about my job as a stripper. How do I get out of this? “No. I -” Saved by the bell, the waitress brings us our lunch. He didn’t bring up the subject again, thank God.
During lunch Danny asks me to try his fish tacos. Honestly I have never tried them before, fish in a taco does not sound good. I give him a funny look, he laughs. “Come on, silly.”
I take a bite. It actually is really good. “So good,” I reply, with a mouthful of food.
“Told ya.” He winks at me.
We had a really easy going lunch. Our conversation stayed light. We talked about random things such as: movies, favorite TV shows, books. I did mention to him I am a romance, book nerd and proud of it. He laughed over it. I can’t help it if I have read Twilight over ten times. I am a romantic. Danny is more of a non-fiction, history reader. History bores me.
I loved getting to see this side of Danny. He makes me laugh. He makes me want to spend more time with him. Spending more time with him means falling deeper for him. What am I going to do?
After Danny pays for lunch we take a short walk out in the middle of Old Town’s Historic Park. I haven’t been here before. It’s lovely.
“Thank you for lunch,” I mention.
“No prob.”
We get near a big tree and stand underneath it, shoulder to shoulder. I am a little apprehensive being out in the open like this. “Are you sure we should be out here? I mean, with the paparazzi and all, you know.”
“I don’t really care right now if they are.” He swiftly takes hold of my hand. “I like being with you,” he quietly express’s
I look down at our collided fingers and smile. “I like being with you too.”
Before I can react he grasps onto my waist with his other hand and sweeps me into his chest. We thump together. He cups my face and intently whispers, “Then let me kiss you.”
I don’t know what to say. I am caught off guard, the mood changed so drastically. “Danny -”
“I have never felt like this with anyone. There is something about you that makes me want to be a better person, I don’t know why that is. I can’t describe it. We have some sort of connection, don’t you feel it too?”
More than anything yes! “Of course I do, but -”
“No buts,” he clips at me. “You know it’s me who you want. Don’t deny it.” My heart will never deny wanting him.
His lips are so close to mine, I want him to kiss me. It can’t happen though. “Like I told you the other night, I can’t be with you.” I am such a liar! I want to be with him so badly it’s killing me inside. “There is too much inside you that is in pain. Your anger over Faith, your father -”
He immediately unlocks our bodies and steps away. “Why do you have to bring her up and ruin the evening?” He irritatedly asks.
I move my way back up to him and bring his face into my hands. He needs to hear me out. “Because you have a lot to deal with right now and you need to see that. She’s not your enemy.” Danny flinches. I am not letting my hands go free from his face. “If you want to be a better person, you need to work on getting over this anger and jealousy with her. I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to make you open up your eyes and to see that you have so much goodness happening around you. If you get rid of these ancient feelings for her, for your dad, your life could flourish with happiness, so much so you’ll wonder how you ever lived in such anger in the first place. Holding on to this pain is not good for you.” I am not sure if anything has sunk inside his head, but hopefully a piece of what I said will eventually help him. I let go of his face and step away. “I need to get home.”
“Wait,” he panics. I can see he’s not ready for this be over. “Look, I’ll try. For you I’ll do anything.” He takes hold of my hand again.
I shake my head. “Danny...I want you to try for yourself, not for me.”
Things between us were quiet when he drove us back over to his new apartment. We listened to more music and every so often we would look at one another and smile. He’s got a great smile. A smile I have fallen for.
Once Danny parks the car, he takes me in the backway of the apartment complex lobby. He asks me to come back up to see more of his place, but I turn him down. “I think I’m just going to head home.” I’m afraid if I go back upstairs with him, things could get heated pretty fast. I can’t let that happen.
He swipes a hand through his hair. “Right….so, I’ll see you around? I hope?”
I want more than anything to see him again, I just have to keep this charade up. For how much longer though? Will he despise me in the end? Will I lose him and the friendship we are building? “I’ll be coming to your rehearsal in a couple days. Wayne invited me.” I bite my lip, waiting to see what he does.
He shakes his head and scowls. “I really hate you two together. He’s going to break your heart.”
“I’m having fun with him. It’s nothing serious,” I laugh nervously. Maybe saying we’re not serious will help calm the storm. “Walk me to my car?” I hold out my hand. He grabs onto it and we head across the lobby.
As we reach the doors that lead out front, out of nowhere a swarm of paparazzi come barreling around us; up in our faces, flashing pictures, shouting out questions. We are suddenly swallowed up by lunatics!
“Danny, are you and Harmony now an item?”
“What will Wayne do, seeing you two together?”
We try to push ourselves away from these people, but it’s very hard to do so. Danny keeps a tight hold on the small of my back and tries to lead me to my car. I am about to panic when the security guard from inside the complex comes pushing inside the bubble we are trapped in and demands everyone to move back. Unfortunately it doesn’t help much. We are still being bombarded with questions and accusations. One in particular makes Danny abruptly stop in his tracks. “How does it feel to be associated with a stripper?” I suddenly lose my footing and almost hit the pavement, I’ve become lightheaded.
Danny is livid and gets up in the man's face. He yells, “What the fuck did you just say?” I have never seen him so angry.
“She must give you a good show every night!” The man accuses with a disgusting smirk.
“You sonofabitch!” Danny is about to punch the guy, but the security guard gets a hold of him before he does anything.
I scream, “Danny, leave it alone! He’s not worth it!” I am about to lose it; tears brimming up, on the verge of crying. I cannot believe my dirty laundry is now hanging out to dry. This can’t be happening!
I quickly walk to my car, as fast as I can, desperately holding back the tears. “What the fuck was that about!” Danny meets me at my car door and grabs onto my shoulders. The paparazzi finally disappear as if they were never there.
“I don’t know, but you can’t play into their game!”
“Why did they mention you being a stripper?” His voice lowers, yet he’s still very much angry and confused.
“I have to go,” I whisper. I lightly push him out of my way and climb in my car. As I start up the car I hear him yell, “Harmony!” and I drive off. When I reach the corner and turn, I park my car and break down. He’ll never look at me the same way again; I’ve got this humiliating past that will now forever haunt me. Plus what about my job? What will happen once everyone finds out? What about Faith? How will she react? How will this affect the hotel’s business? I don’t know what I’ll do if I am let go all because my skeletons have come out.
“Because of You”
By JINKS, Written by Danny Jay, Sung by Lucky Jones
You’re all that I think about, yesterday and tomorrow
Heal the demons crawling through my soul, I am in deep sorrow
Take me to a place and time to gather my strength
I’m not sure how long you can keep me at arm’s length
My wall is tumbling down, crashing to the ground
All because of you, all because of you
My eyes are no longer closed, everything is so clear
All because of yo
u, All because of you
Harmony’s tune is deep within my soul
I want to find that place to explore and make you my whole
Finding you with another man and in his arms, it’s crushing me
Crushing me to no ends, crushing my sanity, I am begging my plea
My wall is tumbling down, crashing to the ground
All because of you, all because of you
My eyes are no longer closed, everything is now exposed
All because of you, All because of you
Harmony….Music off my tongue.
I HATED HOW THINGS ENDED between me and Harmony yesterday. Those damn scumbags accusing her of being a stripper. What the fuck was that all about? Why would they stoop to such levels? Okay, yeah, to get a reaction out of me. Damn….it fucking worked. I walked right into their trap, embarrassing Harmony. What I don’t get is, why she wouldn’t deny it? How come she won’t answer my calls or my texts? Why is she fucking avoiding me? I am overheated with rage and worry, it’s affecting everything I say and do today. I just want some answers from her. I don’t give a shit if she was a stripper or not, she’s important to me, more so than I thought. If she’s hurting I want to be there for her, but I don’t even know where the hell she lives.
I’ve slept like crap the last couple of nights. The band was meeting for rehearsal and I couldn’t get my ass out of bed. I was still worried about Harmony, I haven’t heard back from her. Wish there was a way to find where she lived; the only person I could ask was the last person I wanted to talk with, Faith.
Before I went over to the studio, I called and accepted the contract to rent the new apartment. I would move in right after Christmas. I seriously cannot believe this is my life now. I am finally getting a break and making things happen. Myself and Lucky have come such a long way and deserve every fucking penny. I finally get to help my mom out and make things easier for her. It’s my turn to take care of her.
My neck is killing me, I’m in a shitty mood and every time we start rehearsing Forbidden Faith, someone plays off key. Or is it me and it just sounds that way? I am just a pissed off, overtired ass wipe who needs Harmony more than anything. “Cut! Lets start from the beginning!”