by West, T J
“Mom - ”
“Do you have any coffee?”
“No,” I clip at her. “I just woke up.”
“Well,” she huffs, “How about I start a pot so we can talk to each other like a couple of grown-ups. What do you say?” I will not complain about coffee, so I tell her where everything is while I stay put in my comfy chair. She tries to make small talk while preparing the coffee, but I have no desire to go along with it. I don’t understand why she assumes I am okay, when I am far from it. She has always been my number one supporter and has never let me down, but lying to me my whole life has been the biggest let down. How is one person supposed to get over it? I love my mother more than anything, yet she made me feel like a fool. Once the coffee is made, she hands me a cup, plus the will and letter from my dad. “Here, you forgot these.”
I push down my recliner and set the letters on the table in front of the couch. “I don’t care what’s inside,” I mutter. I rest my arms on my knees and drink my coffee.
My mom sits on the couch and frowns. I turn my eyes down, staring into my coffee. “Daniel,” she says softly, but when I don’t look at her she snaps at me. “Daniel, look at me!” I lick my lips and cut my eyes over to her. She exhales, “I know this is hard on you -” I’m about to respond, but she stops me by putting her hand up. “Let me talk, please.” As stubborn as I know that I am, I honestly want to hear what she has to say. “I was very young when I got together with your dad…..Helene and I grew up with him. I had the biggest crush on him, but being younger than him, he never saw me as anything other than a younger sister. He had his eyes set on Helene. Always,” she scoffs. “They were inseparable and got married right after high school. My parents pushed it actually, because...well, he came from a background of wealth. As time went on, my sister….her mental health wasn’t good. She became depressed. Unfortunately Gordon came to me for comfort and….we became involved. I got pregnant, my parents found out about the affair and they never forgave me. They literally disowned me.” I always wondered why I never met my grandparents. This news is rather shocking. I’ll never get to meet them anyways, they both died when I was a kid, from cancer. “Helene, of course, found out about everything. It was a horrible mess. After five years of your dad living off and on with us, it was becoming too hard to deal with - plus finding out Helene was going to have a baby made matters even more difficult. I hadn’t known they were still...you know…together that way. Gordon was changing into someone I didn’t love anymore; sleeping with both of us, making more money every year changed him. I didn’t want you around him.”
I’ve heard everything and it’s a lot to take in. My mom allows me to digest the information; I take a few sips of my coffee, trying to grasp the history behind the lies. It all makes perfect sense, yet I need more answers. I blow out a breath and scratch my head. I look into my moms eyes. “And he went along with your plan - you keeping him from me?”
“No,” she quietly responds. “He threatened custody and all, but in the end he loved you enough to give you up.”
I crinkle my brows together, completely confused; I am surprised. “He….he loved me?” My voice cracks. I can’t break down over this. I place my coffee on the table and swipe my hands through my hair. I don’t know what to say.
“Yes, and I am deeply sorry that you thought he never did.”
I glance at her. She’s got a tear running down her cheek. I want to be that little boy that used to jump in my moms arms every time I cried or when she felt bad. I can’t get myself to do that now. “Why would you keep him away?”
“Helene asked me to.”
What? “Wait, I thought you said you kept him away?”
Her hands are tightly holding her coffee cup, like she’s afraid she’s going to drop it. She shakes her head when she answers me. “She wasn’t in the best state of mind back then, but I agreed because Gordon was becoming a wealthy bastard. Money changed him, Daniel.”
“I thought you said he grew up with money?”
“His parents yes, but he had to work to build his own empire. They paid for college, that was it.” Damn I wish I had known all this a long time ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have been such a jerk my whole life. “I own up to my mistakes and I know I can’t change history, but I don’t regret my choices because look at you. Look at what you have made for yourself. You are an artist. You’re building your own empire.”
I am hearing everything she is saying and I know she is right, but…. “Like you said, still doesn’t change anything. I never knew if Gordon loved me or not, Mom. Knowing he went along with yours and Helene’s plan…was he really that horrible?”
“He paid your best friend to stay away from Faith. He threatened him, Daniel!” I wince from her raised voice. At the time I was happy that finally someone decided to break those two up. Now that I look back on it...it’s fucking horrible. “Don’t you remember that? You moved away with Lucky because he was pushed out of Arizona, out of Faith’s life. That’s how devious he was. I can’t imagine what he would have done to you and your dreams of becoming a musician. He would have ruined you. I couldn’t take that chance. I did what I thought was right back then and I’m sorry that you think I am horrible for doing so. I wanted to protect you.”
I never, ever thought about how he would react to me being a musician. He hated Lucky to a fault - I bet he’d hate me too. I am so stubborn; it’s really hard for me to tell my mother that I understand her intentions. “It’s a lot to process, Mom,” I admit.
“I know and I understand.” She places her mug down and walks over to me. It’s hard for me to look at her because she’s my mom, and I don’t want to cry. She tilts my chin up and forces me to look her in the eye. “I do love you, Daniel,” she whispers. She then gives me a small grin and kisses me on the forehead.
I suck in a breath and try my damnedest not to break down. I know she loves me; she has shown me my entire life just how much. I manage to say back, “I love you, too,” in a cracked, whisper. Soon after, and with no argument, she drags me up from my chair and holds me in her arms. I close my eyes and allow myself to hold her back. There is nothing in this world that can be compared to a mother’s hug. I still want to be angry and unforgiving, but without her in my life, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
THE NEW YEAR CAME AND went. I worked, I cried, and I worked some more - still nothing from Danny. I come home from work and all I do is veg out in front of the TV and eat ice cream. I am now obsessed with the new Netflix show, Bloodline. Even during my mini marathon, my mind traveled back to Danny. I hurt him beyond words and there is nothing I can do to take it all back. I ruined what we had just shared; our connection is now lost. I ripped it away like a week old band aid on a cut; the wound that I created has killed us. My heart is painfully broken for him. I have learned an eye opening lesson, love doesn’t make it all better, the power of acceptance and understanding does. I accept Danny in all shapes and forms. His temper is just a shell, it needs nurturing and someone to care for it; shield it from breaking. Unfortunately I’ll never be able to put him back together. I don’t have that kind of power. I have accepted his distance and I’ll do what I can to move on - even if I cry a million day’s to make the pain go away, I’ll move on.
Besides the ice cream, I have barely eaten these past few days. My stomach has been tied up in knots, I feel sick. I pick at the scrambled egg mess on my plate, letting it go cold. The toast with jam and butter has one bite taken out of it; the coffee is no longer steaming. I notice a tear drop fall on my cold food. I didn’t realize I had been crying, when my sister Melody comes into the kitchen, from taking a shower. She finally came back home when I was sleeping last night, but I was too tired to get up and greet her. I push my plate away and practically jump into my sister’s arms. I am bawling like a baby. She holds me, soothes my pain by rubbing my back. How I have missed her.
Once I have calmed down, we walk over to the couch and I spill my guts about what went on with me and Danny; his past,
me finally having sex, Wayne - everything.
Melody is furious when I mention how Danny walked out on me. “I am going to kick his ass!” She gets up and slams her fist into the palm of her other hand, she paces. “This pisses me off so bad, sister, you’ve done nothing wrong!”
“But I did, Mel. I lied to him!”
“It was a minor fucking white lie!” She shouts.
I shake my head. “Not to him it wasn’t. I don’t like it either. I was not completely honest with him. I screwed up.”
She grits her teeth together and snarls. “He’s going to regret this. I am going to go over to his place and give him a piece of my mind.” She stomps her way toward the front door.
I jump up from the couch and grab her shoulder before she gets the chance to leave. “No, you are not! Please don’t do anything...please!” I beg her, then lower my voice. “Please Mel, leave him alone. Just let this go.”
She thinks about it for a second, then exhales. “I don’t like to see you so upset. It kills me.”
“I know, but I’ve made my bed.”
“So that’s it then?” She shrugs. “He’s just going to give up on you because of this one thing?” I shrug next. “And this Wayne guy, who the hell does he think he is anyways? Making you do this crap? If there is anyone that needs a good ass kicking, it’s that guy.”
“I smacked him,” I blurt out.
“Who, Wayne?” She chuckles after I nod my head yes, then drapes her arm around my shoulders. “That’s my sister. Good for you!” We walk back over to the couch and plop ourselves down. “I’m still going to kick his ass, though,” she mutters.
I lay my head down on her shoulder and sigh. “I’m really glad you’re home, Mel. I’ve missed you.”
“Me too. I’m sorry things have become so shitty for you. I should have been here.”
“You’re here now.”
“Yeah, well, I always find myself running away, don’t I?” She admits, melancholy.
“No judgment, alright?” Melody doesn’t respond back. Instead she grips my hand, kisses the top of it, then clicks on the TV with the remote. The Goonies is on, so we spend the rest of the day watching movies.
A couple nights later Faith invited me and Melody for a girls night in, at her suite. She told me she was doing this for me since I’ve been in such a slump lately. I appreciate her gesture, yet I am not so sure anything will make me feel any better. I have made such a mess of things for myself, it’s unlikely I’ll be dancing on any tables for the pure joy of it. I am so depressed. Not even watching Melody fall on her ass on the way to our car made me laugh; usually I’m in hysterics when people trip and fall. I am so sick of myself. I truly am a depressing sight and I wouldn’t want to be around me if I were a friend like Faith. She definitely has one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen. So, I cannot let her down and not show up to her little get together. Melody hasn’t met Faith yet. I really don’t know why that is, but it’s as good a time as any, and I know my sister will love her.
We come casually dressed with a couple bottles of wine and a side dish of lumpia - one of my favorite things to munch on at parties, although I can’t seem to eat at the moment. The second we enter inside Faith’s suite, Melody is over the top, enthusiastic. “Holy shit, this is some joint!” She immediately starts to roam around the spacious living room, gliding her fingers along the furniture as if she’s never touched anything like it before. I roll my eyes and chuckle. It’s just like my sister to be fascinated with how others live.
I greet Faith and June with a hug, then introduce them to Melody. “Faith, June, this is my sister, Melody - the one with no filter.”
“She’s got that right,” Melody scoffs, then follows with a laugh.
Faith laughs a little and hugs my sister. “That’s okay, I’m used to it. Nice to finally meet you, Melody.”
“Right back at ya.” She moves along to June. “And you’re the one with the music label?”
“That’s right,” June answers proudly. “I’ve heard you used to sing and play the guitar?”
“Uh, yeah, but that’s history,” she says with a swipe of a hand, as if it’s no big deal - yet it’s a very big one.
“Really?” June crosses her arms and is very interested. “Why, what happened?”
“Long story,” Melody mumbles, which means she’s very uncomfortable with this subject. We don’t talk about it very much, because music was her life and it was gone in a blink of an eye.
As quickly as I can, I change the subject. “So where’s Helene? I thought she was going to be here?”
“I don’t know, let me go check. Be right back.” Faith heads across the hall while the rest of us go into the kitchen and break open the wine.
We are handed a wine glass, filled with red wine when Melody notices one of June’s tattoos on her left wrist. “That is a rad tattoo, love it!”
“Thanks! I just got it like a month ago.”
It seriously is a cool piece of art. It’s wrapped around her wrist like a bracelet, with a couple of charms that look as if they are hanging from it; a pair of yellow baby booties, and a silver embellished word, “First Love,” written underneath the chain like tattoo. When I had found out about June and Phillip losing their baby I was so heart broken for them. I don’t really know Phillip all that well. Working one evening, I found Phillip in the bar, extremely intoxicated. I offered to call him a cab, but he argued with me and was making a scene. I hadn’t known at the time he and June lost their baby, so I was very much concerned for him. I could tell he was devastated and wanted to be left alone. Yet I couldn’t let him drown himself any longer. I phoned Faith to come and take care of Phillip. He needed to stop drinking before things got worse for him. So now, seeing him with June, happy and in love, I am relieved to know things worked out for the both of them.
“Any special meaning behind it?”
“Yes,” June looks down at her wrist. She touches the wording, with a slight smile. “I miscarried a few months ago...so I wanted to do something special.”
Melody sucks in a breath. “I am so sorry.”
“Thanks,” she looks up at Melody. “I’m okay. Life goes on, right?”
“It does, but it’s still not easy.” I feel the pain of my sister’s expression. We both know the pain of suffering. Losing both our parents has been the most difficult thing to get over. Even though the earth still spins, living with a hole in your life doesn’t seem right; our parents should be here with us. They shouldn’t have died.
“No, it’s definitely not,” June replies.
“You still with the baby daddy?”
“Yeah. He’s a really great guy,” June takes a sip of her wine. “I couldn’t have gone through the whole thing without him.” We’re all silent for a moment until Faith walks back inside the suite. She looks a little shell shocked. What on earth happened? “Faith, what’s wrong?” June asks - just what I was thinking. “Is Helene okay?”
We all move back into the living room, concerned about Faith.
“Mmmhmmm. Yep,” Faith says, then chuckles, “I’d say she is more than okay. She’s...um….”
We’re all waiting for her to say something. She slowly walks into the kitchen, as if she’s in a daze, and fills her glass with wine. My sister and I give each other a confused, raised eyebrow glance and continue to wait.
June doesn’t have it in her to be patient any longer. “You seem weird. What went on over there?” She raises her voice. “Faith, come on, spill the beans!”
She turns around and leans her hip against the kitchen island; she takes a drink from her goblet, first. “My mother has um...she has a man in her room with her.”
“What?!” June shouts. She is now just as shocked as Faith, yet I already had a feeling Helene was involved with someone. She has been very happy since Faith’s party. I am surprised she hasn’t mentioned anything to her daughter.
“I know right? I had no idea she was seeing anyone!”
“Who is
he?” June asks.
“I don’t know, but he looks familiar, like I’ve met him before.” She takes another sip of her wine. “I just can’t put my finger on when or where though.”
The suspense is killing me. I have to know what he looks like. I bet he’s the same man I saw in the bar, the night of the hotel opening. “Was this man by any chance an older gentleman with long, grayish hair, and a goatee?”
“Yes!” Faith exclaims. “Do you know him?”
“No, I don’t, but I saw them together on the night of your opening.”
“Wait,” June cuts in. “Long grayish hair and a goatee, you say?”
“Yeah, why?”
She widens her eyes. “Oh, my friggin’ Lord!” then slams her hand down onto the island counter.
“June, who is it?” Faith asks.
“Gary Sams. He’s JINKS’ producer!”
Faith gasps. “My mother is -” She gets interrupted when Helene walks through the door.
“Sorry I am late, girls!” She apologizes with a big smile on her face; it lights up the room and everyone smiles with her, she looks so happy. She sweeps into the kitchen, where we are all gathered, and is handed a glass of wine by June.
“Gary Sams, Mom?”
“Huh, what hon?” She acts as if she has no idea what Faith is talking about. I giggle behind my glass.
“You’re dating JINKS’ music producer, and you didn’t tell me?”
“Well….I wanted to keep it to ourselves for a little while longer until….” She stalls.
“Until?” Faith urges.
“Until we knew for sure how we felt about each other. Really Faith, this is awkward, talking about this in front of everyone,” she lightly chuckles.