Love You Now (Book Two: Love Hurts Duet)

by M. Robinson

  “I don’t think it works like that.”

  “Rudolph, I can’t live like this anymore. If you want a future with me, then we need to know if you have one.”

  He grabbed my chin, makin’ me look up at him. Through wet lashes, I did.

  “A future with you is all I’ve ever wanted. Is that what you want?”

  It was the first time he’d ever asked me what I wanted.

  “Yes.”

  He jerked back, surprised.

  “I thought I lost you. I’ve never been more scared in my entire life. I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. You’ve been by my side since the day I was born. Right there with me. The good, the bad, it didn’t matter. You were there. Fightin’ with me, for me, for us.”

  “It’s simple—you belong to me.”

  “I know. I’ve always known. I just forgot for a minute.”

  “I love you, Harley Pierce.”

  Hearin’ him say those words to me again was like comin’ home.

  Never breakin’ eye contact, I brought my hand up to touch the side of his face. Somethin’ gleamed in his eyes in a way I’d never seen before. Our connection had always been flawless and easy.

  The love.

  The desperation.

  The longin’.

  The guilt.

  There it was starin’ back at me. A raw, agonizin’ burn in his gaze. The emotions stirrin’ through me were cripplin’. The anguish overwhelmin’ my body, my mind, an ache resonatin’ in my soul.

  The feel of him in my arms.

  The smell of him against me.

  The look in his eyes.

  I didn’t fight it any longer.

  Professin, “Before you were even hit on the field, I felt it. I felt like somethin’ was about to happen to you. It was deep in my bones. It came out of nowhere, and I didn’t understand why or how. Until I saw you tumble through the air and land on your head.”

  His eyes widened.

  “I never understood how you just knew I was pregnant. You told me that night our souls were connected, and I didn’t think that was possible, but you’re right. We are, Jackson. ’Cuz you’re my soulmate. My lobster.”

  He beamed, and it lit up his entire handsome face. I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

  “I love you, Rudolph. I love you in a way I didn’t know you could love anyone. I love you for the bully you are, the stubborn pain in my ass, the controllin’ alpha who drives me insane. I love you for your kind heart, your contagious laugh, the way you love Bailey since the moment you knew I was pregnant. I love you for never thinkin’ she wasn’t yours, I wasn’t yours. For fightin’ for me, for her, for our family. I love you for all the times you made me cry, and all the times you wiped away my tears. I love you for puttin’ up with me all these years. I’m sorry for hurtin’ you, blamin’ you, makin’ you feel like I didn’t love you when I never stopped. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t... I belong to you, Jackson Pierce. Mind, body, and soul. We aren’t a lie. I’m your wife. You’re my husband. Bailey is our daughter. You’re her father. You’ve always been her daddy.”

  In true Jackson form, he shocked the shit out of me when he asked, “Harley Josie Pierce, will you marry me? Again.”

  <>Jackson<>

  The nights.

  The days.

  The months.

  The years.

  They all tethered into one to bring us to this moment.

  Together.

  Forever.

  At last.

  Even with the bruise and cut on her face, she was still the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I reached up and placed a strand of hair behind her ear, kissing the scrape on her forehead.

  Slowly, I leaned forward, never breaking our intense stare. Every fiber of my being raged to touch her, but my heart was in my throat. My pulse quickened, waiting for her to reply.

  She licked her lips, and our eyes never wavered from one another as she reached over to touch my heart that I swear was beating a mile a minute.

  “On one condition.”

  “Anything.”

  “You’ll read the results of the test.”

  Wanting to give her everything she ever wanted, I didn’t falter in responding, “Only if you’re there with me.”

  “Always. No matter the results. I will stand by you, even if it means I hold you in my arms till you take your last breath. ’Cuz that’s what love is, in sickness and in health I’ll be by your side.”

  My mouth collided with hers. Her lips parted against mine. I brought her closer to me, but not nearly close enough. Slippin’ my tongue into her waiting mouth, I wanted no space or distance between us.

  Savoring every last touch.

  Every last push and pull.

  Every last movement of her tongue in sync with mine.

  She was made for me.

  Only me.

  So intense.

  So consuming.

  So powerless against her.

  Beep.

  Beep.

  Beep.

  The machines went off, matching my rapidly beating heart.

  “I want to make love to you,” I murmured in between claiming her mouth, like I wanted to claim her pussy.

  “I want you too, but not in this hospital room.”

  Nothing compared or even came close to the feeling of my girl. To the sensations that only she stimulated within me. My cock ached to be inside of her.

  “When can I go home?”

  “Tomorrow.”

  “Fuck that, I’m discharging myself after I stop kissing you.”

  “You’re not goin’ home till tomorrow.”

  “You’re so fuckin’ bossy.”

  “Don’t stop kissin’ me.”

  “Gremlin, I’m going to break this machine if I don’t.”

  “Shhh... stop talkin’.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Beep.

  Beep.

  Beep...

  And just as I predicted, it broke.

  Not that it stopped me.

  Nothing could when it came to her.

  Chapter 30

  <>Jackson<>

  I sat on my bed like a man on death row with the envelope Harley gave me almost a decade ago. My fate literally in my hands like a ticking fuckin’ time bomb, waiting to detonate.

  “You okay?” my wife questioned, sitting on my legs with her arms firming placed around my neck. Holding me together.

  “As okay as I’ll ever be.”

  “Do you wanna wai—”

  “No. We’ve waited long enough, Gremlin.”

  My mind was spinning on its axis, fighting with the demons to keep them at bay.

  Each day was a struggle, battling with the inner turmoil I didn’t talk about. No one knew what it was like to constantly be thinking about one thing or another...

  What I did that morning.

  If I missed anything throughout the day.

  When I last ate.

  Left my office.

  Went to the bathroom.

  Continuously at war with myself, making sure I remembered important dates.

  Birthdays.

  Anniversaries.

  Meetings.

  Holidays.

  I’d change on the daily.

  Just last week, for the entire day I repeated birthdays in my mind. Month. Date. Year.

  Nothing had changed about my morning routine since I was a boy, still recapping my day ahead. Shower. Breakfast. Meetings. Workout. Practice.

  Over the last few years, I started counting my steps. Incessantly stimulating my brain into overdrive, wanting it to stay alert at all times.

  My OCD tendencies didn’t stop there. PTSD over my mother’s death and the uncertainty of what the future had in store for me. It was never-ending. I overanalyzed everything, from as little as forgetting where I left my keys, to as big as forgetting where I parked my car.

  Was this the day?

  Did my downfall begi
n?

  Who would I forget first? Please, God, don’t let it be Harley or Bailey...

  I shook off the plaguing thoughts, stating, “It’s time to face my demons.”

  “Alright.” Harley nodded, kissing all over my face. “I’m ready when you are.”

  I took a long, deep, reassuring breath.

  Just breathe, Jackson. Just remember to breathe.

  “I need you to know something.” She kissed my lips. “You have all my firsts that matter, and you will have all my lasts. Do you understand me?”

  I nodded, jaw clenched.

  “I love you. I’ve always loved you. Even when I was hatin’ you.”

  I nodded again, jaw still clenched.

  She grabbed ahold of my face. “We didn’t come this far to only come this far.”

  Scoffing out a nervous chuckle, I rasped, “You hyping me up, Harley?”

  “No. I’m telling our truths. Ya feel me?”

  “I feel ya.”

  “Good.” She kissed me one last time before scooting off my lap and sitting next to me. Gazing down at the envelope, she mirrored my stare.

  Tick.

  Tick.

  Tick.

  With my hands shaking, I opened the package. A Post-It on a flash drive caught my attention that read play me first.

  “What’s this?”

  “I don’t know.” She shrugged. “The day she gave me the Harley pin with a sunflower on it was the same day she gave me this envelope. The only thing she told me was this held your results, and to give it to you when I thought you were ready. She didn’t mention what else was in there, and I never asked or looked.”

  “She knew I would notice you wearing that pin.”

  “I wonder if she thought it would lead us to this moment right here.”

  “Of course she did.”

  “Wow. Your mother was something, Jackson.” She stood. “I’ll be right back. I’ll go get your laptop.”

  I watched Harley leave and then shut my eyes. Needing a moment of clarity. A few seconds to calm my plaguing thoughts. Extremely grateful Bailey was with my parents for the rest of the day.

  She could have been gone five seconds or five hours, but it felt like forever had passed waiting for her to return. When she did stroll back into the room, holding my computer in her hands, I could sense her anxiety, trying to stay strong for me instead. It was written crystal clear across her beautiful face, filling the space between us as she made her way toward the bed.

  I grabbed my laptop out of her hands, and she sat down next to me. Lightly rubbing my back to calm the nerves she knew were stirring inside me.

  Prepared for whatever came our way.

  With another shaky hand, I laid the computer on the ottoman in front of our bed and lifted the screen, inserting the flash drive next. There was no describing what I was feeling at that moment. Time just seemed to stand still. Nothing moved, including me. Bile burned in the back of my throat, threatening to surface. My hands clammed up, and the room began to slowly close in on us.

  There was an unfamiliar feeling lingering in the air. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I’d never forget it for as long as I lived. It was now a part of me, burned into my senses, whether I wanted it to be or not.

  My mother.

  Fear was a powerful emotion, especially when you encouraged it, and I spent half of my life fueling the beast in my mind. I don’t know how long I waited for the flash drive to open, trying to come to terms with what was about to happen.

  When all of a sudden, my mother’s face came on the screen. I couldn’t stop the tears that formed in my eyes, the pain in my heart ripping at my soul and eating me whole.

  There she was.

  Right in front of me.

  Breathing.

  Smiling.

  Alive.

  “Mom,” I whispered so low, scared if I said it too loud she’d disappear from the screen.

  “Hi, my beautiful boy,” she greeted.

  “Oh my God,” Harley uttered, gripping onto my hand and holding it tight.

  “If I had to guess, you’re probably watching this years and years and years later. You’ve always had to do everything on your own time, Jackson. There was no pushing you to do it sooner than you were ready to.” My mom’s eyes lit up, smirking. “Hi, Harley. I’m sure you’re here too. I hope he hasn’t been too much of a pain over the years, but if he’s anything like his father, the beast lives on.”

  Harley smiled back at her while we both just sat there with our eyes glued to the computer, unable to look away from my mother having a conversation with us as if she was in the room.

  “I’ve probably tried to record this video about a hundred times at this point. If you’re finally watching it, that means I’m no longer with you. At least not physically, Jackson. I’ll always be watching over my kids and your father. I’ll always live in your heart, with every beat, in every breath you take. From the second you could crawl, you were mine. We always had a special connection, you and me. In a much different way than I had with Jagger. You’re so much like your father, but a lot like me as well.”

  I quickly wiped away my tears, not wanting Harley to see me cry.

  “Don’t cry, baby. I’m in a much better place where I actually remember you. Your father, your brother, your baby sister. My life. It all came back to me. Death was my biggest blessing. It reunited me with my memories.”

  I squeezed Harley’s hand, and she squeezed mine back in reassurance. Wiping away her tears too.

  “You were the most independent boy I’d ever seen. Always needing to learn everything on your own. There was no holding you back, Jackson. If your mind was made up, there was no telling you no.”

  “He’s still like that,” Harley added, like she was having a conversation with her.

  “The days keep blending together, and it’s getting harder to remember what I need to say to you. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with you, you were everything I ever wanted. When your daddy put you in my arms after you were born, I just remember staring into your eyes and knowing you’d just changed my world for the better.”

  More tears slid down the sides of my face, feeling her presence with me for the first time since before she forgot me.

  “I’m so sorry, baby ... for everything I may have or may not have done. For all the pain I caused. For breaking your heart.” Her bottom lip began to tremble, and her eyes pooled with tears. “I can’t control the episodes, and they’re coming quicker and lasting longer every day. Your brother told me I’ve said some of the cruelest things, and I hate myself for it. I don’t remember when I stopped remembering... He told me I forgot you first. And I’m so sorry. But after thinking about it for hours, days, months, years... I think I forgot you first because I loved you more than anything. You were my first true love, Jackson Pierce.”

  I didn’t bother wiping away my tears, it was pointless. They wouldn’t stop anytime soon.

  “I wish I was still there with you, it’s what hurts me the most. Unable to show you how much I love you. So I’m just going to tell you now that I have a chance to. I love you for always smiling, no matter what. I love you for your smartass mouth, your stubborn pride, your kind heart, your giving nature, and your strength in any situation... The way you love unconditionally, wholeheartedly, and with everything inside of you. I love the way you fight for what you believe in, your determination, your courage but mostly, I love how you forgive, and that’s what I need from you right now. If I know you how I think I do ... how I know I do...” She nodded. “I have a strong feeling you won’t say goodbye to me when I leave you. Again, you do things on your own time. I know it won’t come from a bad place. I won’t be your mother anymore when God takes me away. I know my boy. You want to remember me smiling, laughing, talking to you, telling you how much I loved you.”

  I jerked back, stunned she’d know that.

  “I need you to forgive yourself for not saying goodbye to me. This is why I made this video. I�
�m here to take away that burden. The guilt. The resentment you have toward me and yourself. Here’s your chance, my beautiful boy, to tell me goodbye. Though, baby, I want you to know it didn’t change anything because I always knew where your heart stood. It’s not goodbye, Jackson. It’s an I’ll see you later. We’ll be reunited again. I promise.”

  “Jackson...” Harley encouraged, “Do it. Set yourself free,” holding on tightly to my arm, she paused the video.

  I didn’t hold back. I couldn’t.

  This guilt.

  This remorse.

  My biggest sin.

  Had to come out.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry,” I wept, my blood running cold. “I should have put my feelings aside and said what you needed to hear. You’re right, though, I didn’t want to remember you that way. Lost. Alone. There was nothing left of you in that hospital bed. Not your smile, your loving eyes, your spirit was long gone. Nothing left of my mother but a body that didn’t even look like her anymore.” I paused, gathering my emotions. “I miss you so much. I miss you every second of every day, Mom. I miss your smile, your laugh, your love. Our time together, our talks, the way you always knew what to say, what to do. I just miss everything about you. I hate that you left us, left me. I hate that you weren’t here to see my daughter’s birth, who carries your name. I hope she grows up and is even half the woman you were, but mostly,” I repeated her words, stammering, sucking in a few breaths, “I hate that I have to say goodbye to you because it kills me every day you’re no longer here with us.”

  Harley pressed play on the video.

  “I know, baby, I know,” my mom reassured. “I will forever live in your heart. The bond that we have is so strong it can’t even be separated by death.”

  I nodded, needing to hear her say that. Her replying as if we were carrying on a normal conversation proved the connection we had.

  “I hope you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.”

  “I do,” I responded to her.

  It was the truth. She gave me a second chance to make it right.

  Never did I expect her to say, “Now, it’s time for you to face your biggest fear. I’m here to do it with you. It’s time, baby. I already know the results, it’s about time you know them too. Let’s do this together. Like a family. A mother with her son.”