*
Cash watched as she walked out of the apartment and down the stairs. He tried to pretend that his life wasn’t walking out the door with her. He tried to pretend it didn’t hurt, but it did, and when Remy hit him full speed ahead, he reached down and grabbed his brother, trying to make out the words he was saying.
“Why did you let her leave? Why did you let her go? She loves us and you let her go!”
“Rem, there are things you don’t understand.” Cash grabbed hold of his brother’s arms and held them down. “There are grown-up things going on here.”
“I love her,” he cried as his bottom lip quivered and tears streaked down his cheeks.
So do I. She made my life better—she made it worth living. “We’ll work this out, okay. You’ve got to give us some time though. You know when you and I get into an argument and we talk, but it’s not until later? Harper and I will talk, I promise.”
Remy was still huffing and puffing, even after Cash had made his promise. “Remy are you okay?”
Immediately he got worried. It had been a long time since they had lived through an asthma attack, but emotional upheaval was one of his main triggers. Remy shook his head and was making the universal sign for his inhaler. B was quick and brought it over as they waited for Remy to use it.
Before Remy could take his first hit, Cash knew that this was bad and had his phone out calling 911. As he started to answer the questions the operator was asking him, he didn’t know who to blame for this one. George, Janet, Harper, or himself. They all had a hand in upsetting the boy.
“Stay with me, Rem. Help is comin’.”
And those were the only words he could say with conviction. Help would be there, as soon as it possibly could.
‡
Chapter Twenty
Cash rode in the back of the ambulance with Remy, holding his hand tightly. Before the ambulance had gotten to the apartment, Remy had begun wheezing, a sure sign that the attack was not going to be one they could deal with at home. The wheezing had turned into coughing, with Remy gasping for breath and not being able to catch it.
Cash had sat by helplessly, trying to figure out a way he could help his brother, as B had looked on, doing her best to keep the situation calm. She had been his anchor throughout the ordeal, keeping him in the moment as he’d wanted to take the apartment apart board by board. There was nothing he could do as Remy struggled to breath. The inhaler wasn’t touching it, and the insurance hadn’t yet approved a breathing machine for them.
“B, I don’t know what to do,” he yelled over and over again as he cradled Remy in his arms. This was the worst part, because not too long ago, Remy had told him that when he was in the throes of an attack like this, he felt like he was drowning and there was no way he’d be able to break the surface.
“Just stay calm, Cash, help is on its way.”
“It feels like it’s taking forever,” he complained, not bothering to check the tears making their way down his cheeks. The day had been a hell of a rollercoaster ride, and he was done with everything. If Remy didn’t make it, they might as well call his life done for.
He was about to give up and take Remy by himself when he heard the sirens of the ambulance. They had come up the stairs, gotten medicines started, and loaded him in less than ten minutes.
“You’re gonna be okay,” he kept repeating to Remy, hoping the words he spoke were the truth. Losing the two most important people in his world in one day would be enough for him to give up on everything.
*
Harper pulled into Natalie’s driveway and dissolved into a mass of tears. They ran unchecked down her cheeks, along with the sobs that rumbled forth from her body. At a stoplight, she’d texted her friend to let her know she was on her way, and to let her know that she and Cash were not good.
“Harper, oh my God, are you okay?” Natalie asked as she opened the driver’s side door, reached in, and undid her seat belt. “C’mon, let’s get you inside, and you can tell me all about it.”
“It’s over,” she whispered. “Everything with Cash is over, and he’s never going to want me again.”
Natalie shook her head in disbelief. “Now you’re just being dramatic. C’mon in and talk to me.”
Harper did, explaining everything that had happened, leaving nothing out, even when it would have been easier for her to. At certain points she had to stop and get catch her breath, wipe her eyes, and tell herself that her life wasn’t ending on this night.
“Do you see now, Nat? I’m the worst person there is because I couldn’t be honest; I couldn’t tell him the truth about anything.”
“You’re not the worst person there is. You’re someone who has spent her whole life running from her past. It’s not a bad thing, Harper. You did what you had to do to keep yourself alive, to keep yourself from going crazy. You’re just unsure of how to let another person into your life. We all grow up, we all try new things, and we all become better people. You’ve made a mistake.” Natalie patted her on the arm, trying to make her see reason.
“A mistake that may cost a family it’s chance at happiness.”
“You are not to blame for that. Your chance at happiness was taken away as a child.”
Harper argued. “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
“They don’t,” Natalie agreed, “but I think you’re being way too hard on yourself, and in a few days when you get some distance from this, you’ll see it’s not the end of the world.”
“What if in a few days a judge gives Remy to his parents and Cash hates me?”
“That’s never going to happen, so you don’t even have to begin to worry about it. Things will work out the way they’re supposed to, and you have to believe that.”
Harper wanted to believe that. She wanted to with everything she had, but life told her to hope for the best and expect the worst. Worst-case scenario was that Cash would never want to see her again and Remy would be given to the two people in the world who deserved him the least.
He would survive, she knew he would, but at what cost? The same kind of cost she was paying now. She knew his life would be full of turmoil and he would never be the same as he was now.
With everything she had, she wanted to make sure that never happened to Remy. She wanted to make sure he was taken care of. The only way she could ensure that was to make sure Cash got custody.
“My only job now is to make sure I give a glowing recommendation to Cash when I take the stand at the custody hearing. I owe him that much.”
“What about what he owes you?” Natalie asked. “An apology, among other things.”
“That will all come in time. Right now I’m more concerned with Remy and how his life is going to be. Somebody has to be concerned about him, and right now that person is me.”
Natalie glanced at her, asking carefully. “Who gets to be concerned about you? Who gets to make sure you get through this with your sanity intact and your heart not broken into a million pieces? Does that even worry you? Because it should. You’re worth it, Harper. Damnit, you’re worth it.”
“I’ll make sure I’m okay.”
Both she and Natalie knew that was a lie. She would sacrifice herself for the good of anyone else involved, because that’s what she thought she should do.
“You keep telling yourself that.” Natalie got up and walked to the door of the room. “I hope you haven’t set yourself up for the biggest heartbreak of your life.”
Harper knew without a doubt that she already had.
‡
Chapter Twenty-One
It was raining. Perfect for her mood, Harper decided as she pulled up to the apartment. Cash’s car was gone, and for that she was grateful, because after the night she’d had, she wasn’t sure if she could stand to talk to him again. It was still painful, the fact that he’d been so hurt. She’d done that to him, and she knew it, but self-preservation had hit her hard.
Walking into the apartment, tears hit her eyes again. There were g
ood memories here, even though she had never been so stressed in her life with their financial situation. She had also never been so happy. The joy she’d felt in this little piece of the world hit her hard in the chest, and she had to rub the ache away.
It was difficult to see how she would ever be this happy again.
Walking slowly to the bedroom, she went to the closet and grabbed a bag. It wouldn’t be big enough to get everything, but it would hold enough to get her through the next couple of days. Provided she could get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. Her movements froze when she heard the front door open and then close quietly.
“Cash?” she yelled.
He appeared moments later in front of her. He looked about as good as she imagined she did. He had beard growth on his cheeks, his eyes were bloodshot, and he looked as if he hadn’t slept all night.
“Where’s Remy?” she asked when she didn’t see the little boy with him.
Cash’s shoulders slumped, and he made his way over to the bed. “In the hospital.”
Her gasp was audible, and she was stuck to the spot, not sure if she was supposed to comfort him. They were in this awkward phase, which she had brought upon them, and now she was lost. “What happened?” That seemed safe enough.
“He hated seeing us fight, as much as we hated fighting, and it threw him into an asthma attack. One of the worst I’ve ever seen.” Cash sighed as he ran his hands through his hair.
“Is there anything I can do?”
That question was all it took for Cash to snap.
*
“Anything you can do? You’re really gonna ask me that, Harper? Now?” His voice got louder as he continued to talk.
“The smart thing would have been telling me what the fuck was going on with you a few months ago. I’m still so fucking pissed at you, Harper. I am so pissed that I could give so much of myself to someone and you could hold so much back. Do you know what a chump I feel like? I’m Cash fucking Montgomery. Women would blow me after a race, behind the store, on their knees in the gravel.”
She flinched at those words. They physically hurt.
“You, though, you I took to my special spot, where I’ve never taken anyone before. I invited you there, not once but twice. I didn’t use you, not every time. There was a certain tenderness I felt for you.” He stopped and rubbed his hands over his face. “Fuck, Harper, I love you.”
A sob escaped her mouth, and she clamped her hand over her mouth to hold the rest of them in.
“Don’t you dare make that sound,” he yelled at her, his eyes fierce, his body language defensive. “You did this shit to us; you aren’t allowed to act like your life is ending, because mine is. You broke my heart, my little brother is in the hospital, and I’m stuck to pick up the pieces.”
“I was trying to protect myself,” she cried.
“For the first time in years, I wasn’t,” he screamed. “I was open with you, open to things I had never been open to—ever!”
She wanted to tell him she was sorry, that she had never meant for any of this to happen, but a part of her also knew he didn’t want to hear it. He was too deep into his anger to hear it.
“Why did you do this to me?” The words were ripped out of his throat, the tone agonized, and he couldn’t believe he was laying his soul bare to her in this moment. He wasn’t the type of person to beg, but he was begging her to tell him. He needed answers.
“This wasn’t about you.” She wiped at her eyes. “It was about me.”
“No, it was about me trusting you enough to bring you into my life with my brother. You did this to all of us.”
“If you say you love me,” she stumbled on the word, “then you should be willing to hear my side of the story.”
“I don’t want your side of the story. I want you to explain to me why you didn’t trust me. Why is that so fucking hard for you to understand?”
Harper took a deep breath. She knew he was hurting and there was nothing she could do to make this better. Trying to would only make him angrier. “It’s not hard to understand. I’ve told you I’ve never trusted anyone with that. I was working up to trusting you with it, but to be honest, I was afraid you would react the exact same way you’re reacting right now. So, thanks for proving me right, Cash.”
“No, you don’t get to turn this back on me.”
“And you don’t get to continually throw this back in my face. It is what it is. We’ve both made mistakes, and we ruined the chance we had with each other.”
Was that what they had done? Had they really ruined everything they’d worked so hard to build? He hated himself for even having to ask this question. “Will you still testify in court that I should have Remy?”
She nodded, grabbing the last of the clothes she needed. “It’s the least I can do.” She stood up, zipping the bag, and grabbed her makeup bag before she walked towards the front door. “I’ll be back in a week to figure out what to do with the rest of my stuff.”
“Where are you going to go?” He couldn’t help but ask, and worry.
“Not your problem anymore, Cash. I am totally no longer your problem.”
‡
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Why are you here and not at the hospital?”
Cash looked up from where he was bleeding the brakes on a car and glanced at Liam. He shrugged, letting a small smile play at the corners of his lips. Maybe if he acted like he was happy, he really could be. “Remy said he was sick of seeing me. Two days in the hospital makes for a cranky kid.”
Liam had a seat on one of the rolling chairs they used to go back and forth between the bays. “Makes for a cranky Cash too. I don’t think I’ve seen you smile once besides that fake-ass grin you just gave me, and I know I ain’t seen Harper around here. What’s going on?”
Cash sighed. After so many years of nobody giving a damn, he really was thankful that someone did now, although it still didn’t mean he wanted to talk about it. He also knew that Liam would force him to open the wound and deal with it. That’s how he was, and that’s how he took care of his guys. Liam always made them talk it out, because once things were out in the open, they tended to heal better. It was the getting-it-out part that Cash wasn’t sure he’d be able to do.
He started the sentence and stopped it no less than five times before he felt like he was able to continue with the words he wanted to say.
“Harper left.” The words were hollow but not without emotion. They were ripped from his body the same way his heart had been.
“What?” Liam shook his head in disbelief. “I think you need to explain to me what happened.”
So he did. Cash explained to him all about her dad and how she’d kept it a secret. He explained how he’d been blindsided in the attorney’s office and then it had all gone downhill from there. “So now, I’m lost, lonely, confused, and all I want is her to be by my side, but my fuckin’ mouth won’t shut up.”
Liam leaned back in his chair and stretched his legs out in front of him. “Welcome to adulthood, man. None of us know what the fuck we’re doing.”
Cash grinned—this time a real one—and shook his head. “That gives me so much faith that I’ll make it through, I can’t even tell you.”
“Here’s the deal. She has a past that is painful. You have a past that is painful. The way you two handle those pasts are two different animals. She did what she had to do to survive; you did what you had to do to survive. How can you fault her for that?”
“Because her not telling me could have lost me Remy.”
“But look at it from her perspective. Maybe in her mind she thought telling you would make her lose the relationship. Who’s to say you wouldn’t have gone off the deep end if she had been the one to tell you. Can you say with certainty that the news coming from her would not have resulted in the same situation?”
Cash thought for a few minutes, thinking over everything that had happened. “I would hope that my love for her would have allowed me not to
fly off the handle had she told me.”
“But can you say it wouldn’t have?” Liam asked again.
It was time to be truthful with himself. “No, I still may have had the same reaction.”
“You wanna know what I think?”
“I do.” Cash bit his bottom lip. “I need some outside perspective on this, and there’s no one I trust more than you to give it to me.”
“I think she was scared, and you would have overreacted no matter what. The two of you have a good thing. I think both of you were waiting for the other shoe to drop. This situation is the perfect excuse, and that’s what you’re both using it for. It’s time to man up, tell the girl she’s safe, tell her you love her, tell her she’s your family, and tell her you ain’t going anywhere. Let her know she can confide in you. Man up.”
Cash wondered if he could do that; he wondered if she would accept his apology. He hadn’t said nice things; he hadn’t even said halfway nice things.
“I should have been the shoulder she could cry on and the man she could count on; instead I acted like a child.”
“I wouldn’t say you acted like a child. You had a knee-jerk reaction that you didn’t talk yourself down from. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all done that. Now you have to ask for forgiveness. It’s going to be up to her whether she allows you to have it or not.”
The memories with Harper played over in his mind like a movie. The hard times, the happy times, the hot times when she gave herself over to him in a way no other woman had ever done. He wanted it back, but he wasn’t sure she would accept him back.
“I’m going to wait until after the court hearing. I don’t want her to think I’m doing it because I need her help keeping Remy. I want her to know this is from the heart, and that I’ve been a dick. I made a mistake, and I mean to correct it. There’s been too many things between us unsaid.”
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