The Idyllic Chaos of My So-Called Life

by Amy-Noelle Smith

  On this morning, I saw Lucy standing at the counter, staring down into the sink doing what I assumed was a greasy pot or pan from the night before dinner. Then I saw the Lucy that I’d known, the cheerful positive warrior melt away, and what emerged was a distinctively different Lucy. Gone were the smile lines, replaced with a furrowed brow and a quivering lip. She then grasped her hair with both hands running along top of her head, and she began to sob. She cried until her sadness turned to anger and then she beat the faucet furiously with her fist, breaking it off in her hand. I recognized and felt a kinship with that kind of anger. I was completely thrown off by the fact that it was coming from someone who seemed to have managed her world with confidence and acceptance. She seemed to be the embodiment of that stupid serenity prayer bullshit that people were always quoting when they couldn’t come up with anything better to say to someone.

  Suddenly Lucy’s eyes lifted to the window, and my presence was discovered. She shifted her eyes quickly away from mine, and then back again, where she exhaled lifting her eyebrows slightly along the fine creases on her forehead. She quickly moved away from the window. I’d felt like the window I was peering into wasn’t just the window to her kitchen. I’d mistakenly witnessed something that I wasn’t supposed to see; that Lucy, her happiness, and her acceptance were nothing more than a lie.

  Audrey had told me Lucy’s situation when she was in one of her more gossipy moods. She’d explained that Lucy had turned up pregnant, without a husband or even a boyfriend that anybody knew about for that matter. She was a bartender at a quaint little eatery down by the marina, and hadn’t planned on settling down anytime soon, which was illustrated by her frequent late nights hanging out with the girls and downing a bottle or two of wine.

  The boyfriend that nobody ever saw became visible, and he and Lucy were married within the first trimester. Everyone found out much later that they’d been seeing each other quite seriously for the past two years, but both of them had such an independent streak that they rarely felt it necessary to publicly show their affection or, as Audrey put it, traditionally date. Whatever that meant. I don’t even think people traditionally date anymore anyway. It’s more like a hook up thing.

  Lucy the party girl became Lucy the homebody, excitedly nesting and preparing her house for the baby girl that they were about to bring into the world. In her seventh month of pregnancy, Lucy was strewn out across the couch; her new husband Kyle worked the night shift at the local 7/11. According to Audrey, she heard a shrill noise and a furious knocking at the front door. Lucy stood at the front door soaked in blood and doubled over in pain. Audrey called 911, and proceeded to call Kyle. When the ambulance arrived Lucy doubled over in pain, screamed out, “No, it’s too early! You have to stop this! Dear God, please help me.”

  They arrived at the hospital, and Lucy gave birth to a baby girl, who she didn’t get to see or hold. The baby was rushed out of the room and remained in the NICU for sixteen weeks. Lucy’s blessing had sustained brain damage due to the lack of oxygen, and had cerebral palsy, which limited her speech and physical movement. Lucy was nearly numb in the beginning. Visiting her baby daughter named Lilah every day, asking God to provide a New Testament miracle that would simply heal her baby and make her well. She found that those kinds of miracles don’t happen in modern times.

  After sixteen weeks, which felt like months, Lilah was able to come home. She was breathing on her own, and her vitals were strong. Funny thing about doctors, once vitals are strong they seem not too interested in caring for the mountain of health issues that Lilah seemed to possess. They sent Lilah home with a shrug of their shoulders, and a “we’ve done all we can do” look on their faces.

  Audrey went on to say that she herself searched around to help find some type of support for Lucy. Audrey went on to say that she didn’t think even back then that Kyle would be sticking around. She said it was just her intuition. I figured she and I had that in common. Once you’ve been burned your intuition doesn’t let you trust anyone.

  Lucy, Lilah and Kyle cared for their baby the best that they could, enrolling her in physical and occupational therapy three times a week. Lucy quit her job, and the responsibility of the sole breadwinner fell upon Kyle. He worked in sales, diligently went to work every morning, and came home every night at six o’clock right on the nose. As the weeks passed, Kyle began to arrive home later and later, eight, then nine, and eventually midnight. He claimed it was work-related, and that his clients needed to be entertained. Lucy, not having much choice accepted his offering, masked the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach with a happy smile. Audrey paused, and I thought to myself that was where the overtly positive Lucy must have started. It started as a mask to cover her doubt and anguish. Lucy had once said to Audrey that raising a child with a disability was always shrouded in a veil of sadness that seemed to permeate even the happy times. It wasn’t long after that statement that Audrey had noticed Kyle carrying boxes to his car. Audrey didn’t want to be nosy, but she considered herself a friend to Lucy, and if Lucy needed something she wanted to be there for her. On the other hand she didn’t want to walk into a tidal wave of despair and make things worse. After much thought, Audrey went ahead and made the short walk across the driveways. She lightly tapped her fingertips on the ripped screen door and waited. Lucy answered the door, her eyes swollen and red. The end of her nose was glowing a pinkish red. Audrey had asked her if everything was okay, and Lucy responded with a resounding “No!” She quickly blurted out as the tears started to well up in her eyes that she couldn’t talk right now, and she quickly shut the door on Audrey. Audrey knew not to push things, and that she would check on her and Lilah the next day.

  Sure enough, it was a few days later when Audrey told me she had made another attempt and found Lucy cuddling Lilah on the couch, her eyes still slightly swollen and raw looking. This time Lucy invited Audrey into the house. Audrey at this point knew the next sentence that was to exit Lucy’s mouth.

  Lucy uttered in bits and pieces,

  “Kyle left us.”

  “Said he’s in love with someone else.”

  “It’s done.”

  Audrey knelt by her side and said that she was there to do whatever she could to help Lucy and Lilah. Lucy with her raw gaze said that she’d appreciated it, and that she and Lilah needed all the help that they could get. Audrey said it was at that moment, that somehow the pain that plagued her own life seemed to make sense. She went on to clarify not that it made sense, but that as she put it, “Bad shit happens to everyone. It’s not a matter of whether or not something painful will happen. It’s just what type of pain it will be, and how you’ll deal with it.” I’d wondered if somehow that was a jab at me. In my opinion Audrey’s story made me feel even more convinced that people are crappy, and what was the point of it all. I still felt that Lucy and Lilah were lucky to have one another. I didn’t have anyone, and I didn’t care to have anyone. From my experience they all leave anyway. In my estimation it’s always best to be the Leaver rather than the Leave.

  Chapter Eight

  I could hardly believe it was already the first week in May. My thoughts turned to the excitement of Kentucky Derby Week, back home, and how much I missed it. While I never had the opportunity to actually go to the Derby, it was always my favorite time of year. On Friday, which was Oaks Day, schools were let out for the celebration. I used to go down by the Ohio River, and hang out at the Chow Wagon, and listen to the local bands. The warm breeze on my face let me know that summer was just around the corner.

  Here in Charlevoix spring was just beginning to make its first entrance. Flowers were just starting to push through the soil, and there were only small insignificant buds on the trees. In spite of that the people all reveled in the glory of what they thought was spring.

  My time in school had been bearable. I had managed to keep a respectable C average. I’d found it exceedingly more difficult to attend on a regular basis though. I’d spent more and more time prete
nding that I was on my way to school, and then stopping for coffee, and visiting Ear-X-tacy, where the manager had forgiven my accidental larceny. I was on the visitation program for the Big Baby guitar. I stopped by twice a week, and the manager let me put down whatever money I had saved, as well as let me play for as long as I liked. I didn’t know why he was being so kind. I hoped he didn’t want any favors in return.

  My after school job was fine—downright boring, really. Lilah came home around the same time every day, and I gave her a snack and turned on the television. It didn’t seem like I was doing enough to earn my hundred bucks a week, but Lucy seemed happy enough with the effort.

  I began to feel more comfortable around Lilah. I even had conversations with her, although they were pretty much one way dialogues. Her jouncing spasms bothered me less and less when I understood what they meant. When she was happy she would wave her arms wildly up and down by her sides as if she were trying to take flight. When she wanted something she would rock back and hit the back of her chair jutting her arms out forward. Reading her body language became almost second nature. I figured that maybe when the weather was warmer, if ever, she’d have her snack outside so she could get some sun on her nearly colorless limbs.

  Lilah’s misfortune somehow seemed to dwarf mine. Although she didn’t have the capability to fully understand her circumstances, whereas I fully understood mine. I had absolutely no plans for my future, and frankly I didn’t care. I was sure Audrey’s guilt would subside. It was just a matter of time.

  People like me don’t go to college, or for that matter finish high school. If I could finish high school, I figured I’d be ahead of the game. It wouldn’t take much to do better than the previous generation in my immediate family. Just steer clear of the Chucks and Larrys in the world I thought, only half-jokingly.

  My feet hung over the end of my teensy bed while I stared up at the ceiling. I tried to push my mother’s incarceration to the very depths of my conscious mind, but I was not able to control the tiny fragments that crept into my thoughts.

  In my dreams she was ever-present, as was the string of foster mothers during my formative years. I’d had countless recurring nightmares where I woke myself up screaming and clawing at the darkness.

  I hoped tonight would not be one of those nights. I settled into my pillow, and finally drifted off to sleep after two hours of tossing, turning, and compulsively analyzing. In my dream state, I found myself in a room. The room was blinding. It was all white, and in the corner was a cage with a tiger pacing back and forth. In front of the cage sat A— surrounded by empty beer cans, and smoking marijuana. Standing around the room, oblivious to my mother, were three of my previous foster mothers—Ms. Katie, Liza, and Eloise.

  Ms. Katie, who by far was the kindest, stood powerfully in the corner of the room surrounded by kitchen appliances. She was making meatloaf and asking me how my day was at school.

  As I moved from place to place in the room, I became either older or younger.

  I moved toward Ms. Katie, and I spoke as a small child to her—laughing and giggling. I was oblivious to the rest of the room, except for the tiger pacing behind the cage. I was in a constant state of panic—fearing she would be let out into the pale room.

  Ms. Katie scooped out a slice of meatloaf onto a plate and we started to eat together, then she morphed into Liza.

  Liza was tall and possessed an animosity in her gaze. She was gaunt, and she stood there with a cigarette dangling from her top lip while chewing on her bottom lip—she chewed up my very existence. Then, just as she was raising her hand toward my face with her fist closed, I squeezed my eyes tight, preparing myself for the inevitable blow that was about to follow, she suddenly became Eloise.

  Eloise stood there facing me with the tiger standing next to her. I was terrified. The tiger was growling, its lips curling around its razor sharp teeth. I looked desperately around the room. Where was my mother? Eloise let out a hideous laugh, and I started to feel the burn of my tears tumbling down my cheek. I looked again as Eloise became the tiger. The tiger’s pointed teeth were transposed over Eloise’s rotten grimace, as her body morphed to become one with the ivory tiger.

  I looked around frantically. A— was in the corner watching me, devoid of any emotion. I cried out to her, and she simply ignored me. She just sat there with her legs overlapping one another, staring expressionless into the ether.

  Help me, please, I tried to scream, but couldn’t, no sound would emit from my tightened throat. I tried to move, but was frozen. My feet were being held firmly into the ground. The tiger drew herself back, forcing her weight to her hind legs, ready to spring forth and devour me.

  The tears stung my cheek as they drifted downward into my mouth; their salty sting numbed my lips. I stood there frozen desperately willing my spirit to take flight from my body. My jaw clenched as I tried to force some type of movement. Then the tiger with her demon snarl lunged forward. I screamed.

  The next thing I knew Audrey was tenderly shaking me as she tried to wake me up from my terrified slumber.

  I had one foot in each world. One still firmly placed in my subconscious, and one starting to come back to reality.

  As I opened my eyes, the images of my dream where still present, overlapping them was the image of Audrey. It took a few minutes for the horrific images in my subconscious to subside, and to realize where I was.

  “Are you okay?” Audrey said, sitting on the side of my bed looking concerned.

  “What, what?” I was groggy and disoriented.

  “You screamed, I thought someone was sneaking in the window, trying to kidnap you or something,” she said with a crooked smile.

  “Yeah, right, like that would happen. I don’t think most people could get my size tens out the window,” I said, pointing the miniature window along the wall.

  The levity helped distract to me from my nightmare.

  “Can you go back to sleep?” Audrey said, smoothing out the covers with her hand.

  “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I said with absolutely no intention of going back to bed.

  “Well, good night, then.”

  “Good night,” I said, sinking underneath the covers.

  Audrey left the room, and I waited to make sure that I heard her door was shut. I slowly crept out of bed, and into the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of Coke, and scanned the fridge for something to eat. Nothing!

  I walked out to the front porch and sat on the steps. Boy, I really craved a smoke. I sat on the steps starring into an opaque sky. I recounted the events in my nightmare, and as I did I started to feel rage smoldering inside me.

  How could she have left me...?

  Why didn’t she come for me when I needed her...?

  I felt the smoldering ember transition into full blown rage. My anger was directed squarely onto Audrey, for no other reason than that she was there. My own mother was useless, but Audrey should have known. What kind of person just ignores a child? How could she have not known!

  I picked myself up off the steps and yanked open the front door. I stopped at Audrey’s door and forcefully threw it open.

  My anger had taken root, and I was prepared to completely annihilate her.

  As the door bounced off of the back wall it made a loud smack.

  “How could you have left me!” I raged.

  “What—” Audrey sat up confused.

  “How could you have left me? Didn’t you know I existed? Didn’t you know my own mother was a piece of trash! You have no idea, no clue what I’ve gone through—what, and now you want to save me. Well...SCREW YOU!”

  I could see Audrey scrambling, trying to figure out what was happening.

  “Astrid, I swear, I didn’t think—know things were that bad.” She searched for her words, “I wasn’t in touch with your mom. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” Tears began to well up in her eyes. “I only found out when I tried after many years to make amends with your mother. I looked her up on one of the people finder
databases, and I found out she had a criminal record, and was serving time. I swear—I had no idea—I mean I knew she was troubled, but I promise you I didn’t know how bad it had gotten.”

  I could hardly stand to listen to her. It was all total garbage!

  “You did NOTHING, and now you want to do EVERYTHING! I already know what my life holds for me. You can’t change it. You’re too late!” I charged out of her room as she followed behind me. I grabbed my clothes and shoved them in a plastic bag, along with my toothbrush.

  “You’re not going anywhere.” Her voice ascended to a more authoritative octave.

  “Oh, yes I am!” I shot back at her, hoping to mortally wound her spirit.

  “It’s late. Just calm down, and try to get some sleep. Everything will look different in the morning,” she muttered while reaching out to touch my shoulder.

  “Get off me! I have—have to get out of here!”

  I stormed out the front door as I scooped up my keys. I had no idea what I was going to do, or where I was going. I wasn’t operating on logic now. It was pure hurt and anger.

  Audrey stood at the front door, motionless.

  I backed out of the driveway seething, and as I put the car into gear, I could feel my resolve strengthen. I slammed my right foot down on the gas as I lifted my left foot off of the clutch, and the heard the squeal of the tires and odor of burning rubber filling the atmosphere.

  I’d been driving around for what seemed like an eternity. It had only been twenty minutes. The realization began to set in. What was I going to do? I could just drive around all night, I thought as my eyelids began to flutter, feeling tired now that the adrenaline had stopped flowing through my veins.

  I stopped at the 7-11, and scrounged as much change as I could from every crevice of my car. My car doubled as a gigantic change purse most of the time. I found an inordinate amount of quarters, which was good. Usually, I had to count my way to five bucks by counting dimes and pennies. Not fun.