Reclaiming Us

by Richard, Nicole

  “You’re too good for me, Addie Mae. I have nothing to offer you. Hell, I can’t even get the military to take me. You’ll find someone, probably some doctor or lawyer who can take care of you.” I released her wrists and stepped away from her, letting out a deep sigh.

  Her eyebrows rose, and her forehead wrinkled. “What are you talking about? What do you mean ‘You can’t get the military to take you’?”

  “I don’t know, babe, if you’re breaking up with me, just tell me now.” I hung my head. I hadn’t even told her about my taking and failing the ASVAB. I couldn’t bring myself to admit just how much of a fuckup I really was. She would have looked at me differently if she had known; I just know she would have. It never would have just been RJ and Addie. It would have been RJ and the girl who felt sorry for him.

  “What are you saying? RJ, will you look at me for crying out loud,” she snapped, and I brought my head up.

  Her face was a mix of anger and fear, but I still couldn’t bring myself to come clean. “Nothing. I’m not saying a damn thing. I just don’t see a need for you to take those with you when you aren’t going to be around me for months at a time.”

  She stared at me with a fire in her eyes, and I swore I saw horns pop out of her head.

  “Are you seriously picking a fight with me right now?”

  “Nope.” I pressed my lips together and shook my head.

  “Really! Because it damn well feels like it.” She stood there like a beautiful defiant angel.

  With a pained stare, I watched as she pressed the heels of her palms above her eyes. “Tell me what’s really going on with you, RJ. You know this isn’t easy for either of us! You don’t think this scares me, too? That I don’t worry that someone will come along and snag you away from me? What the fuck! You pull back, you keep shit from me—” She shook her head and took a few steps back. “You know what . . . just leave.”

  I rocked in place as the panic set in. “You’re kidding, right?”

  “Does it look like it?” she clipped, holding her arm out, pointing toward the door. Was she for fucking real right now?

  First off, I would never speak to her like that. That was one rule I kept, no cussing directed at her, she deserved respect. And second, she was actually kicking me out . . . the day before she left for North Carolina.

  “You’re serious?” I stared at her, dumbfounded.

  “Dead.”

  After our short staring contest, I clasped my hands together and stomped out, almost crashing into her mother.

  “RJ, honey, you’re leaving?” I nodded and continued walking. “You’re not staying for dinner?”

  “No, thank you, ma’am.” I let myself out.

  After leaving Addie’s house angry and hurt, I loaded a cooler and sat by the dock for a few hours, contemplating where in the fuck our lives were headed. I needed some time alone to clear my mind; our back and forth shit was giving me a headache.

  I realized my mind or my heart weren’t any less confused than they were five hours ago, so I gave up and got back into my truck. I pulled into my driveway and sat there. I didn’t want to go inside. I was still sitting there in the dark when Addie pulled up and parked across the street from my neighbor’s house. I could have gotten out and went to her, but I wasn’t ready for that either.

  So, I slouched down in my truck and watched her toss pebbles at my window. A smile cracked at the corner of my mouth. She was so darn cute. I watched for another minute before kicking off my shoes, flipping the switch on the overhead light so it wouldn’t come on, and snuck out from the passenger side.

  With careful steps, I stalked up behind her like a lion hunting his prey. She was so deep in her own world that she had no idea I had crept up behind her.

  Closing in on her and only a foot between us, I reached around with one arm, covering her mouth while the other snaked around her waist and pulled her back to me. The vibrations of her screaming tickled against my palm, and I quickly leaned into her ear and whispered, “Shh, babe, it’s me.”

  She physically relaxed under my touch. “What are you doing here?” I whispered in her ear again. She mumbled something, and then, right before I let go, she bit my hand—hard. “Ouch! Shit! What was that for?” I dropped my arms and took a step back.

  “Are you seriously going to ask me that? You’re freaking crazy, you know that?” she whispered loudly. “What the hell are you doing? I was seconds away from having a heart attack.” She exaggerated, and I chuckled softly.

  “I think you’re a little too young to be dying of a heart attack. What are you doing here?”

  Her face visibly softened as she looked to the ground and scuffed her flip-flop against the damp grass. “I felt bad for being mean to you earlier.” With apologetic eyes, she slowly glanced back up at me. “I’m sorry for acting the way I did.”

  This shit was driving us both to the brink of insanity. “Hey, forget it.” I wrapped her in my arms and kissed her head. We stood there silent in each other’s arms. The second I felt her tears soaking my T-shirt, I squeezed her tighter.

  “You want to go lie down for a bit?”

  She nodded against my chest before she let go of my hand and let me lead her through my bedroom window.

  I couldn’t believe I had spoken to him with disrespect. From the minute he walked out of my room, the image of his shoulders slumped plagued me. My stomach twisted, and an unknown pain appeared in the back of my throat. I hated myself for speaking to him the way I did, and I hated myself for not chasing after him and begging for his forgiveness. By the time my voice cracked, calling out for him, he was gone.

  These past few weeks had been nothing but a chaos of lust, fear, uncertainty, and laughter. RJ had been perfect. He was always there when I needed him, he was attentive and thoughtful. He didn’t think I noticed that he avoided talking about the future or the way he would sometimes get this far away look in his eyes, but I did. I didn’t want to pressure him. I wanted us to just be able to hold onto ourselves a bit longer. But the fight we had tonight never would have happened two months ago. The stress was getting to both of us.

  “Scoot in,” RJ whispered while holding open the covers, and I did.

  He pulled off his shirt and slid in behind me, and I all but drooled at the sight of his sexy chest. When he pulled me into his arms and couldn’t see my face anymore, I let a tear silently seep down my temple and onto the pillow. He pressed his nose into the side of my head. “You always smell so sweet.”

  I couldn’t leave tomorrow on a bad note, so tonight I wanted nothing more than RJ to make love to me, claim me over and over again as he slid in and out of me, to make good on our promise permanently inked into our skin. “Addie, what are you doing?” he whispered in a strangled voice when I sat up and removed my bra.

  “Go and lock it,” I whispered, ignoring his question and nodding to the door. RJ jumped out of bed at the speed of light. I shimmied out of my jeans and panties, and before he climbed back into bed next to me, he slid his jeans and boxers off. Then he was pressed against me, his hot skin warring with the goose bumps spreading over mine.

  “Tonight I don’t want anything between us.” I defined.

  “Addie.” He sighed.

  “RJ, please?” I would beg if need be.

  The clouds must have shifted then. A glow from the moon peeked through the room, and I watched the shadows dance over RJ’s throat as he swallowed. He closed his eyes, and I snuggled closer.

  “I love you, Addie Mae. I love you so much.”

  Tightness in my chest was followed by a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. This time his words sounded different. They were sad . . . almost resigned. They were laced with good‑bye. He was letting go—letting me go. Little did he know, I was trying to let go, too.

  “Babe.” I shook Addie gently.

  She was still next to me, snoring daintily, and I took it as a sign that I pleasured her body to the point of exhaustion. Instead of attempting to wake her again, I
lay there with my head in my hand and burned every inch of my beautiful girl to memory.

  The moon cast an angelic glow over her hair, which was fanned in a haphazard mess all over my pillow. Her eyelashes fluttered, and her lips moved as if she were whispering something. My heart ached and squeezed. In that moment, I wanted to drop to my hands and knees and beg her not to leave me. I would promise her that I would find a way to be the man she deserved. The man who would provide for her, take care of her, and cherish her, but then reality slapped me upside the back of the head.

  “Unload this.”

  “Go here, RJ.”

  “What the fuck were you thinking?”

  “Are you stupid? Don’t you check shit first?”

  Words I heard every single day at work. Words that proved I would never be good enough for her.

  Truth was, she’d probably be better off with the likes of a doctor or lawyer or some ego‑driven maniac who could lavish her and give her a life I would never be able to.

  “You’re going to be something great. Well, greater than you already are,” I whispered, and a tear fell on my forearm. “Please don’t hate me. Remember we made a promise.” Barely touching her, I ran the pad of my thumb down her cheek. “I love you, and I promise it’s forever.”

  I gathered her clothes and put my boxers on before forcing myself to walk back to her. “Babe,” I whispered, kissed one eyelid, then the next, and whispered again, “Wake up.”

  “Hmmm,” she grumbled and finally stirred. I gave her a minute for her eyes to adjust to the minimal light in the room. She scratched the side of her head and blinked a few times. “What time is it?” she asked, her voice thick with sleep.

  “It’s late,” I said again.

  “Okay.”

  Holding a finger to her lips, I spoke close to her ear. “Shh, babe. My parents are home, remember?”

  It took her a second to think, but then she nodded and mouthed “sorry”.

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  At close to two‑thirty in the morning, I snuck Addie Mae out of my bedroom window. Standing there, her outside and me on the inside, I held onto the back of her neck, desperately kissing her.

  After a soft moan, she pulled away.

  “RJ.” She waited until our eyes met. “After you left earlier this evening, a lot of things became clear.”

  “Don’t. Please don’t . . .”

  She looked to the ground. “We have to . . .”

  “No. Don’t. We made a promise.” I panicked. I knew I needed to let her go. I needed her to be happy more than I needed my next breath. But now that I was facing it—I couldn’t. Desperate, I locked her pinky finger with mine. “Please, Addie, I’m begging you.” I pulled her into my chest and held her tight. “We can make it work . . .” A rush of adrenaline ripped through me. I was freaking the fuck out. My standing on the other side of heartbreak was not where I thought I would be at the end of the night. How? Why? Why was she doing this?

  Addie stepped back, and her sad eyes met mine. “I love you. I’ll always love you, but—”

  I shook my head again, this time in disbelief. The adrenaline rush I had just seconds ago turned into a tornado spiraling out of control, internally ripping me to shreds. A straight shot of pain seared my heart. My hands shot to my head, and I was on the verge of pulling every last strand of hair out as I turned away and paced to the other side of my room and back.

  “Why are you doing this? Does this have anything to do with Piper?” I dropped my hands and glared at her. “The conversation you had earlier?”

  “No! RJ, stop. You know that’s not true.” A tear slid down the side of her cheek. “After our disagreement this afternoon . . . RJ, what did you mean by ‘even the military wouldn’t take you’?”

  “Nothing. I told you already that was nothing—just drop it.” I took a few steps away from her. I was starting to feel the imaginary walls closing in, pushing all the air out of my lungs. When I turned back, she had climbed back into my bedroom.

  “Why can’t you just be honest with me? I’ve never kept anything from you, and I know you’re keeping something from me. I just wish—”

  “I failed! I flunked! I’m an idiot!” I hissed through clenched teeth. I wanted to scream at her, but I bit back the urge. My failure wasn’t her fault, and my parents were sleeping. Taking a couple of steps closer to her, I got down to her eye level. “Is that what you want to hear? That your boyfriend is a screw up? That he’s a worthless piece of shit that can’t even score high enough for the military to even consider giving him a shot at a dream he’s envisioned since he was a kid.” I kicked my foot against the floor. My admission left me hollow inside. “What a pathetic loser I am.”

  “Stop!” Addie scolded, gently curling both her hands around my arms. “You are not pathetic.” Her soft hand moved to caress my cheek. “You are strong and smart and loving.” She wrapped her arms around my waist and laid her cheek to my chest. “You are the most loving person I’ve ever met, but I feel like you’re doing everything for me. What about what you want to do?” How did the tables turn so quickly? My words and thoughts couldn’t come to an agreement. Instead, I held her. I let my arms encircle her and soak up every last feeling Addie made me feel. Whole and free. . . loved. I felt loved and was so desperate to hang onto that. “We don’t need to rush into a decision. How about you head home and get some rest, and I’ll pick you up in a few hours.” I kissed her forehead, letting my lips linger a few seconds longer. “Then we can hit the road.”

  “Okay.” The conflict in her eyes sent me a warning.

  I followed her out the window and walked Addie to her car. “I love you, RJ. I love you more than you’ll ever know.” She wrapped her dainty pinky around mine. “I promise,” she whispered, kissed my cheek, and took off.

  The weight in my gut drew a red flag. Everything within me was screaming that this was good‑bye.

  “Ughh, why is it so damn hot?” I rolled over and squinted my eyes against the sun streaming in my window. Then I rolled over, and my irritation turned to sheer panic. It was ten in the morning. I was late. I scrambled out of bed and rushed to the bathroom for a quick shower.

  Six minutes later, I rushed back into my bedroom, towel wrapped around my waist as my mother set two stacks of freshly washed clothes onto my bed.

  “Good morning, dear.” Her voice was mildly chipper, but her lack of eye contact added to my edginess. “I’ll see you when you get back.” She sidestepped around me and closed my door on the way out of my room.

  I threw my clothes on and assured myself that Addie and I could make it. I knew we could. I hope we could. I sat on my bed and yanked on my socks, and then I looked at the picture of me and Addie that sat on my dresser. “We can do this. We’ll be okay. It’ll take some time, but you’re worth the wait.” I spoke the words in a rush of breath as I pulled on and tied my shoes. I love that girl, and we made a promise to one another. I was going to do everything in my power to keep it.

  A dose of much‑needed reassurance gave me some confidence back, chalking last night to a case of nerves and separation anxiety. We had no idea what the outcome was going to be over the next four years, and that alone put us both on edge.

  With my phone, wallet, and keys in hand, I was ready to rush out, but the look on my mother’s face stopped me in my tracks. Something was up. A sad smile graced her beautiful face. “I love you, sweetheart.”

  “I love you, too, Mom.” I kissed her cheek. “But I gotta hurry. I’m already late picking Addie up.”

  “Son.” I heard my mom call, but I didn’t stop. I didn’t have any more time to waste. I needed to get to my girl. I hopped in my truck, and just as I turned the key in the ignition, a piece of paper flapping under the windshield wiper drew my eyes forward. I rolled down the window and reached to the front. It was a single sheet of notebook paper with two letters scrolled across the front in a very familiar handwriting. My hands trembled, and I closed my eyes, trying to save myself f
rom the anguish written on that sheet of paper. I opened my eyes and forced myself to read the words.

  I love you.

  I promise.

  I’m already gone.

  Live your life for you.

  I’m sorry.

  Xo, Addie Mae

  “What the ever loving fuck!” I sat there unmoving, reading her words over and over again as a heated force ripped through me. “She left without even saying good‑bye? She left me a fucking note!” I yelled out into the cab of my truck and smashed my palm against the steering wheel. “How could she?” I choked.

  Wasn’t this exactly what I was planning to do to her?

  The realization of what had happened left me completely deflated.

  I had absolutely nothing left.

  Defeated, I trudged my way back into the house, ignoring my mother and the way her eyebrows pinched in concern.

  In my room, I sat on my bed and tossed around a couple of ideas. I couldn’t sit around and wait, too much of Addie Mae surrounded me. Just being in this room would drive me insane.

  Mentally calculating how much money I had in my wallet and bank account, I got up and wrote my mother a brief note. It wasn’t much, but it was all the explanation I could give her.

  I found the oversized duffel bag under my bed and emptied my drawers into it before moving to my closet and grabbing more shirts off hangers. The last thing that went in was the picture of Addie and me at the carnival. I didn’t know why. I just knew that I couldn’t leave it behind. There was no way I was walking through my house, so I slid the window open and followed my duffel out. As I closed my bedroom window, I hung my head and hoped that anyone I hurt today would be able to forgive me tomorrow.

  Ten minutes later, I pulled into a gas station, went through the motions of fueling my truck, and then sat in silence. I didn’t even care all that much that I was blocking the pump for other drivers. I didn’t know where to go.

  I thought about typing in Langley Air Force Base, Virginia, into the GPS, but that wouldn’t do me any good. There was no way I would be able to hang with Ty. My numbness spiked to anger again. I couldn’t stay home. I couldn’t go to see Ty. I couldn’t do anything.