Bad Chili

by Joe R. Lansdale

  I could see all this because Jim Bob had driven the pickup after them. He hadn’t let off a bit. We bumped and bopped, striking our heads on the roof, lurching toward the dash, and finally we skidded sideways to a stop just before the hill got really steep and dropped off toward the trees where our road partners had collided with a patch of wilderness.

  Jim Bob jerked the door open, grabbed the shotgun, and yelled, “Showtime!”

  Leonard and I got out quick. I slid in the grass but managed to keep my footing and get my gun drawn without shooting myself. We hurried down the hill toward the Lincoln.

  The driver, a fat man in a black suit, and two other water buffaloes in black suits were staggering out of the car. One of them, the guy from the backseat, had his gun, a nine millimeter, drawn. The car door was open behind him, and I could see King Arthur sitting in the backseat, or at least I assumed it was King Arthur. I had seen his likeness on cans of his chili. Way he was sitting there, you would have thought he was waiting on a bus.

  The man with the drawn gun lifted it and Jim Bob fired the shotgun, sprayed dirt in front of the guy.

  Jim Bob said, “Mine’s bigger than yours. Toss it!”

  The man tossed the gun.

  The other two—and one of them was on the far side of the car, having exited from the front passenger side—had their hands in their coats, and Leonard and I pointed our guns at them. Jim Bob said, “You guys lose the hardware before it gets you hurt.”

  They looked at one another, eased their weapons out of their coats and dropped them.

  Jim Bob said, “You, on the other side there, mosey on around here where I can see you good and make sure you ain’t got a bazooka in your sock.”

  The man, who was large with hair so thin and gray on the sides he looked completely bald at first glance, came around slow-like, his teeth, wet from saliva, shining like greased piano keys in the sunlight.

  King Arthur, wearing a white Stetson, a gray cowboy suit with gray boots decorated with red chili peppers, slid out of the Lincoln on our side, stood and looked at us. He was about five-ten, a solid one-eighty, had a lined brown face with a anteater nose. He had a cleft chin deep enough to hide a dried pea in, and shit-ass eyes.

  King reached inside his jacket, slowly pulled out a pack of cigarettes, showed them to us, lipped one, put the pack back, and nodded toward one of the buffaloes.

  The one that had been in the backseat with King looked at us, slowly reached in his pants pocket, produced a lighter, and lit King’s cigarette.

  “Driver’s ed, boys?” King Arthur said.

  “Let’s cut through the crap,” Leonard said. “You know who we are?”

  “Yeah, I do,” King Arthur said, puffing on his cigarette. “Troublemakers. And look what you’ve done to my car.”

  “I don’t think you’ll be reportin’ it,” Jim Bob said. “Might toss a little too much light on you.”

  King Arthur smiled. “You thought that was the case, you’d have gone to the police. How come you didn’t? You been puttin’ your shitty noses in my business for a while now.”

  “So you do know us?” I said.

  “I know all kinds of shit,” King Arthur said. “You’re all connected to them queers got killed.”

  “Here’s the deal,” I said. “We’re gonna put it to you straight. We’re out to cause you some grief. But right now, this is more personal. Three of your goons—and if you’re missing a couple you might check a cabin in the woods—broke into my house, sacked it, roughed me up, took me out to this shack, and a guy workin’ for you, one Big Man Mountain—”

  “The wrestler?” King Arthur said.

  “You know who,” I said. “This Mountain, he hooked a cable and battery and a little hand-cranked generator up to my balls, and gave me a few volts. Fortunately I’m still here, thanks to some help.”

  “Don’t mention it,” Jim Bob said.

  “What I’m here to tell you,” I said, “is very simple. We could kill you right now, and I think that would most likely be a good idea, but it’s not my style.”

  “It’s my style, though,” Jim Bob said, “so keep in mind, King, things could change at a moment’s notice.”

  I gave King Arthur a look hard enough to drive a nail. I said, “I’m going to tell you straight out we’re going to nab your ass. You can count on it. Legal-like, if possible. But let me make this clear, and I suggest you open your eyes wide and put on your glasses and use binoculars so you can see what the fuck I’m making clear. You screw around me or Jim Bob or my brother Leonard, my girlfriend—and you know who she is because Big Man Mountain did—I will kill you.”

  “If I don’t do it first,” Leonard said.

  “Don’t forget me,” Jim Bob said.

  “This is your one and only warning,” I said.

  “You boys got me wrong,” King said.

  “Yeah,” I said. “You’re an innocent fella. That’s why you have three bodyguards.”

  King nodded. “All right. I ain’t so innocent, but I got bodyguards mostly because I can. I like the looks of it. And now and then, I get a little trouble. I got some deals goin’ here and there outside the chili, but I ain’t never had to shoot nobody. Or have nobody shot. ’Course, with you boys, I might make an exception. I don’t get it. All this over some fuckin’ grease?” King Arthur dropped his cigarette in the grass, put a boot heel to it. “Over some faggot cop took a video of my grease operation? You boys takin’ over where he left off? That it, huh? How much you want?”

  “We don’t want anything other than what I just said,” I told him, lowering my gun.

  King Arthur said, “You think I killed those queers, don’t you? Over some grease they filmed? I tried to pay them off, but I didn’t kill them.”

  “Tell it to a lie detector,” I said.

  “I would,” King Arthur said. “Listen up, you three. You think you’re tough guys, but you ain’t so tough. You don’t know shit. I might have given those boys a rough time, but I wouldn’t have killed them over grease. Chance of a murder rap isn’t worth it. Not over two queers with a video of my boys stealing some grease.”

  “Big Man was on that video,” I said. “You tryin’ to act like you don’t know him? And as for not killing, he was certainly in a killing mood the other night.”

  “I know him,” King Arthur said, putting a fresh cigarette in his mouth. He turned to the buffalo beside him. “Dick Head, give me a light.” The same big man who had lit his cigarette before produced the lighter again and lit this one. King Arthur took a puff. “But he doesn’t work for me anymore. He went off on his own. As for those two guys you say were killed, I don’t know them. And that can get you in trouble, boys, authorities found out about it.”

  “Go on and tell ’em,” Jim Bob said.

  King Arthur shook his head. “Naw. I don’t give shit. They ain’t none of mine. Let me tell you goober-doodles something. This grease business, so I got caught with my shorts down and my dick in a pig. It don’t matter. It’s profitable enough if I get caught and pay some fines, I can go back and start doing it a week later. I was even willin’ to pay off the queers, even if they were a little greedy. I always kinda like to see a cop go bad. It justifies my belief in human nature, and that Horse, he was a real loser. The other faggot, I think he might have been the brains behind things. I don’t know. I don’t give a shit. They turned up dead and that didn’t hurt my feelin’s any. And yeah, I know who you three are. I got my contacts. You been nosin’ around a lot. I know the nigger here is a dick sucker and a pervert too.”

  “Ixnay on the iggernay and the ervertpay,” I said.

  “Yeah,” Leonard said, “I don’t like it.”

  “Yeah,” King Arthur said, “well, sorry. But you dick-licks are barkin’ up the wrong tree. You got the video, I’ll slip you some serious bucks to have it back, way I was doin’ the queer boys, but to tell the truth, I don’t get it back, I don’t care. It don’t matter to me. I’ll deal with the consequences as they come a
long. I done played the game all I’m gonna play it.”

  “Thing is,” Jim Bob said, “it ain’t the grease we’re talkin’ about.”

  For the first time since he had crawled out of the Lincoln, I saw a look of puzzlement on King’s face, or maybe it was concern, or perhaps a bowl of his chili had just backed up on him.

  “Then what in hell is this all about?” King Arthur said.

  “Another video,” Leonard said.

  “Of what?” King Arthur said. “You got two videos of my men stealing grease, it’s no worse than one in my book. Look here, I do a little illegal business here and there, just to keep me in clean panties and corsages, but so what?”

  “What about videos of LaBorde Park?” I asked.

  “Say what?” King Arthur asked.

  “What about a coded notebook with alphabetically hidden phone numbers of video stores?” I asked.

  King Arthur blinked. “I don’t know what the fuck you boys been drinkin’, but it’s fucked up what brains you might have. I don’t know nothin’ about no other videos or notebooks or video stores. That’s what Bissinggame was sayin’ y’all said. I figured he’d misunderstood you.”

  “What about a notebook from your plant?” I asked. “A King Arthur notebook?”

  “Those things are everywhere,” King said. “Listen here, boys. I got to get this car out of the ditch.” King turned to the man beside him. “Get me the phone?”

  Just as the man started to move, Jim Bob said, “Let’s hold the phone.”

  The big man looked at King. King nodded. King said, “You got something to say, say it clear, or get on with it. Shoot us or let me get this car out of the ditch. I got a full day ahead of me. What’s it gonna be?”

  “All right,” I said. “Get the phone. But before I go, King, let me come back to what I said in the first place. Stay away from me and my friends.”

  “Gladly,” King said.

  The big man got the phone out of the car and gave it to King. King started to dial as if we weren’t there.

  Jim Bob said, “You boys take it easy till we’re gone. Just leave your guns on the ground.”

  We went up the hill backwards, our guns pointing at them. Jim Bob eased the truck back onto Old Pine Road.

  As we cruised along, I said, “Well, we sure scared him.”

  “Yeah,” Jim Bob said. “King was so nervous, he’d had a cot and a pillow, he might have taken him a little nap.”

  25

  We went to Leonard’s house, called the cop shop and asked for Charlie. He was out, but the dispatcher promised to shoot a message to him. Five minutes later, he called back and I answered.

  “What’s up?” he asked.

  “We need to see you,” I said. “Me, Leonard, and Jim Bob.”

  “All right. I’ll be there pretty pronto-like.”

  “You don’t sound as cheery as you’re tryin’ to sound,” I said.

  “Actually, I’m having a bittersweet day. But for the moment, I’d rather not talk about it. I’ll tell you the sweet part when I get over there, though.”

  “What about the bitter?” I asked.

  “I don’t know yet,” he said. “See you.”

  * * *

  We were sitting on Leonard’s front porch in the swing seat when Charlie drove up. It was a sticky day with the sun bright as God’s eyes and the sky a milky blue. The air smelled of mowed yards and perspiration. The scent of gun oil was still on my hands.

  Charlie got out of his car and lumbered up the walk toward the porch. He didn’t look good. Tired. Hair uncombed. No porkpie hat. His clothes were wrinkled and shiny-looking, as if he hadn’t changed them in days. He smiled weakly, shook hands with all of us. He and Jim Bob exchanged some greetings.

  Charlie sat down on the edge of the porch, got out a cigarette and lit it. He took a deep drag that turned about a quarter of the cigarette to ash. He held the smoke, and then let it out slowly through his nose and sighed as if he had just laid down for a good long nap.

  “What you boys got?” he asked.

  “We ain’t sure,” Jim Bob said. Then he told Charlie what had gone on, including running King off the road and us pulling guns on him. He left out Big Man Mountain and the two thugs he’d shot to death. He ended with: “King call in any charges?”

  “Not that I know of,” Charlie said. “But this running people off the road, it ain’t good, pardner.”

  “I didn’t think he’d call in,” Jim Bob said.

  “King could still be innocent,” I said.

  “I think we got our man,” Jim Bob said. “What’s the odds of two tapes and a notebook with King Arthur Chili on it being unrelated?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “King seemed pretty confident to me. He wasn’t worried about the grease business, and he actually looked surprised when we brought up the other video, the notebook.”

  “I’ve seen some good liars,” Leonard said.

  “I damn near don’t see nothing but liars,” Charlie said. “Got so I think everyone’s a liar. I find someone who isn’t, I stick to them. I wasn’t that way, all three of you goons would be under the jailhouse already.”

  “Any thoughts on any of this?” I asked Charlie.

  “I don’t know,” Charlie said. “King has been in some shit, though most of it slides off of him, but murder . . . I wouldn’t put it past him, but so far he’s avoided that little bugaboo. He’s got him a bunch of little rackets, but he gets caught, he usually squirms out of it. And he’s got money. And lawyers. And he’s got the chief, who I’m sure gets a pretty good chunk of pocket change from King himself.” Charlie paused and smiled. “Thinking of the chief makes me think of Hanson. And my good news.”

  “You ain’t gonna say what I think you are, are you?” Leonard said.

  Charlie nodded. “Yeah. He came out of the coma.”

  “I’ll be goddamn,” I said.

  “I talked to his wife,” Charlie said. “She said the doctors think he’s okay, just addled. He’ll be down awhile, have to have some physical therapy later, but they say he seems all right. Confused some.”

  “I would be,” I said. “Last thing he remembers is sliding into a tree, then he wakes up at his ex-wife’s house with tubes in him. That would be disconcerting. You seen him yet?”

  “Not yet,” Charlie said. “I got to give it some time. They’re holding back visitin’, ’cept for the immediate family.”

  “Far as I’m concerned,” Leonard said, “you are part of the immediate family.”

  “Well,” Charlie said, “the immediate family doesn’t see it that way. I don’t think they like cops much. That’s the whole beef between him and his wife. ’Course, now that I think about it, I don’t like cops much either.”

  “I don’t know Hanson well,” Jim Bob said. “Met him a couple of times on business-related affairs here, mostly heard about his reputation. He used to be on the cop force in Houston a few years back. He busted a big case or two there. That’s all I know, but what I do know of him, he seems like a good man.”

  “Good as they get,” Charlie said.

  “He’s going to be all right?” I said. “I mean, really all right?”

  “You mean in the head?” Charlie said.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “They think so.”

  “Well, I’ll be goddamn,” I said. “I figured he was ruined for life.”

  “You can’t underestimate that fella,” Charlie said. “He always comes back. And tougher than he was before. Now, what is it you want from me?”

  “I think we got our answer when King didn’t call in,” Jim Bob said.

  “King doesn’t want trouble for the grease racket, doesn’t want to direct attention to himself, but that doesn’t mean he’s in on this gay-bashin’ video business,” I said. “He could be tellin’ the truth.”

  “King Arthur don’t know from truth,” Charlie said. “He used to be a used-car salesman.”

  “Well,” Leonard said, “there’s a s
trike against him.”

  “Amen,” Jim Bob said.

  “And he did some bible-thumpin’ too,” Charlie said.

  “Way I remember it,” Jim Bob said, “bible-thumpin’ is like an automatic two strikes.”

  “With an extra penalty,” Leonard said.

  “Looks to me like there isn’t anything I can add here,” Charlie said. “I can harass King if you want to give me the videotape on the grease stealin’. He might readily cop to that part. We could maybe nail him on that.”

  “I like the idea of puttin’ him in for the worst of it,” Leonard said.

  Jim Bob nodded. “Me too.”

  I nodded as well. “Can you give us a little more space?”

  “Hell,” Charlie said. “I haven’t give you dudes anything but space. But, yeah. A little. Y’all got a beer?”

  “Aren’t you on duty?” I said.

  “Yeah,” Charlie said, “but I’ll take my badge off and close my eyes while I drink.”

  “That’ll work,” Leonard said. “Let’s go inside.”

  * * *

  Charlie actually had three beers and kept going out on the front porch to smoke cigarettes. On his last trip to the porch I joined him, said, “Tell me the bitter.”

  He looked off at the heavens, which had changed. The sun had fallen behind some darkening clouds and the sky itself had lost its milky blue look and had clabbered. Everything was still.

  “Tornado weather,” Charlie said.

  “The bitter?” I said.

  Charlie took a deep drag on his smoke, said, “All right. You know, all this stuff ’tween me and Amy about cigarettes? The sex?”

  “Sure.”

  “It ain’t the cigarettes.”

  “What is it?”

  “She just don’t want to make love to me. She’s foolin’ around.”

  “You got proof, or you feeling paranoid?”

  “Proof.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “Yeah. Me too.”

  “You’re absolutely sure?”

  “Yep.”