by Tanya Mindo
Zoe is quiet. She’s usually shy and reserved, but Kaito knows that something is going on in her mind.
Her eyes seem tired, and she continuously takes deep breaths as if she’s trying to calm herself down. He contemplates if it is appropriate to talk about last night. He’s certain that she was uneasy around him this morning, and it took a while before she became comfortable again. He doesn’t want to risk it. It catches him off guard when Zoe opens the topic as they cycle home.
“I thought about last night,” Zoe murmurs.
“What do you mean?” Kaito asks, feigning ignorance, although he knows exactly what she is talking about.
“When I spilled something weird, remember?”
“I won’t say it’s weird. It’s like a Freudian slip.”
She purses her lips. “Then that would be worse. It would mean that I have some repressed feelings.”
Kaito doesn’t answer.
“I said it was appropriate for me and him to be together,” she continues. “I think it’s because I feel safe around him. He’s overprotective, and he’s always the one leading our relationship. It’s just… Familiar.”
She draws a deep breath. Kaito agrees without saying a word.
“But it’s no longer what I want, and it’s… Getting worse. I feel suffocated even though he isn’t here—”
And then Zoe pauses, realizing that Kaito shouldn’t even be bothered about this.
“What’s wrong?”
“I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this. It’s not your problem.”
“I don’t mind.”
“I don’t want you to absorb all the bad vibes I’m releasing.”
“I just said that I don’t mind,” Kaito says with a gentle smile. “If you want to vent, I’m all ears.”
She smiles at him.
“I’m sorry that you have to listen to this. I just want to get this out of my system before I talk to him tonight. If you want me to stop talking, just say it.”
Kaito nods his head. Their pace becomes slower. Kaito doesn’t know who slowed down first, but all he knows is that they sought more time to talk.
“You just seem to be… A good listener. Are you sure it’s okay with you to listen to my stories?”
Kaito’s lips twitch into a smile. “If you trust me, then yeah.”
“I do. Yeah. Why not?”
Kaito is secretly pleased.
“What will you say to him?”
“I don’t know exactly… I just want to fix this. Whatever this is. I’ll start by asking him to make things clear about us. I want to stop this charade. It’s either we’re boyfriend-girlfriend or we’re not. And I want him to be happy for me… Despite all the choices I make for myself.”
“I think that’s a good start. You’re old enough to stop this casual dating nonsense. And yeah, he should be supportive of your choices. You know what you want. Frankly, I think you deserve more than a whiny douchebag.”
They press their brakes because of the stoplight.
“Hey! He isn’t a douchebag,” Zoe protests. “He’s good to me, alright? He’s just controlling, but he does it because he… He loves me.”
She says the word ‘love’ in a way like she is convincing herself, and not Kaito. And he recognizes the hesitation.
“He told you that?”
Zoe stutters. “N-Not yet… But he will. It’s partly my fault. I didn’t communicate my feelings, and I let this go on for a year.”
Kaito sighs. He’s feeling bad for her. He doesn’t get why she is still defending him.
“Look, Zoe. First, it’s not because of you. Second, I mean it when I said that you deserve more.”
Zoe lowers her eyes.
“You’re taking chances. You want to be the best version of yourself? Do that. Your partner should want that for you, too. You owe that to yourself.”
They begin cycling again. She remains quiet. Kaito chooses to let her think for a while. He doesn’t know much about Seth, and he’s not really interested. He doesn’t seem like a guy he’ll want to be friends with.
Alright. Fine. I don’t know his side of the story. Well, no matter what his side is, my opinion won’t change.
A few minutes later, they arrive at the front gate of Mitaka International Residence.
“Anyway, I’m not saying that he doesn’t love you,” Kaito begins again. “...And let’s say that he does…”
Their gazes interlock. Zoe is the first to look away, lips pressing against each other.
He exhales. “But I think true love isn’t supposed to be difficult.”
Zoe’s lips break into a smile. “You know, you have so many words of wisdom for a guy who says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.”
Kaito chuckles. “Okay, I’ll confess.”
“What?” she asks, curious.
“I love romance films. I’m skeptical when it comes to real-life love stories, but I adore fantasies. It’s a wonderful form of escape in this shitty world.”
“Oh wow. What’s your favorite?”
“The Notebook,” he admits, scratching his nose. “Don’t judge me.”
“I’m not! I love Sparks!” she giggles. The smile on her face is contagious that Kaito can’t help but smile back.
He runs his hand through his hair, gazing at her intently. It’s weird how it makes her fingers tremble. Is she nervous because of a mere stare?
“I don’t believe in real-life happy endings, Zoe. Shit happens. But since you’re trying to fix a relationship, I’m willing to listen to you and say what I think. You probably don’t want to hear it—”
“I do,” Zoe interrupts.
“Okay. But anyway, it’s up to you whether you’ll believe me or not. Like I said, I only watch films. I haven’t experienced it myself.”
“Umm… Okay… Thanks.”
The smile fades away. Zoe wonders whether she is a burden. She feels a tinge of shame. Kaito stares at her for a bit and then he asks something he has never asked anybody else.
“Do you love him?”
Without looking up, she says, “Yes.”
Again, it sounds more as if she is convincing herself.
“Then tell him…” Kaito says with a slight grin. “But do yourself a favor and let him know that you’ve also fallen in love with yourself.”
Chapter Nine
“What? I’m controlling?” Seth fumes, his nostrils flaring.
Zoe video called Seth as soon as she arrived in her room. She repeatedly practiced her lines in her head, carefully weaving the nicest words she could think of, but he got upset without even letting her finish.
“We’ve been going out for a year, Zoe. You never said anything. You always said ‘okay’ and ‘that’s fine’, but you stayed there for two weeks and now you’re complaining about me?”
Zoe swallows. “That was my mistake. Sometimes, I didn’t really like what you wanted for me. For us. But I said yes because I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
She fiddles with her shirt sleeves. “I just realized that we need to work on this. Whatever this is. See? We don’t even know what to call this relationship because you don’t want to call me your girlfriend.”
Seth throws his hands in the air and groans, “So this is all my fault?”
“No, that’s not what I meant—”
“I let you go, didn’t I? You said that you want to go to that program, and I let you go. What else do you want from me, Zoe?”
Anger stirs within Zoe. This isn’t how she hoped the conversation would turn out.
She lets out a sharp breath and explodes, “You didn’t let me go, Seth. You get angry when I don’t send you a message, but you don’t even message me first. You make me feel like you don’t want me to go out with my new friends, but you play basketball all the time. You want me to be the same Zoe who can’t function without you, but that’s over! I don’t want to be that Zoe anymore!”
She doesn’t know how she mustered the courage.
Her breath is ragged; her heart pumps like crazy, yet the relief, oh, it is strong.
“You blame me for being here,” she seethes, her eyes on the laptop screen. “It’s like you don’t want me to be happy when you’re not the one next to me. Do you know how selfish that is?”
Seth doesn’t say anything. His eyes just widened with shock.
Zoe heaves a sigh, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, as she lowers her eyes on the keyboard.
She nervously taps her fingers on her knees.
It’s okay, Zoe. You did well.
With a calmer tone, she mutters, “I want to rely on myself more, Seth. I no longer want to be weak and be dependent on you. I want you to make things clear between us too. It’s either we’re together or we’re not. We’re not kids anymore. I’m… I’m tired of figuring us out.”
She lifts her head. Seth’s jaw clenches, color draining from his face.
“Are you… Ending things with me?”
Zoe expected the question. Before they talked, Zoe was sure that she would say no. It isn’t her intention to leave Seth. She still likes him. A lot. She can’t just throw whatever they have away.
Because they won’t be able to go back to being good friends. Not like this.
She suddenly misses those days. When the three of them will just hang out and have fun without a care in the world.
Why did it have to change?
It’s pointless for her to ask. The only way to keep things the same is to stay together.
So she shakes her head, and with a friendly smile, she replies, “No, I’m not.”
Despite everything, Zoe chooses to stay.
The entire conversation is stuck in Kaito’s head. He spoke his mind as usual, and although it is unlikely that he’s the reason why Zoe decided to talk to Seth, he feels responsible.
He doesn’t want Zoe to be hurt. There’s something about her that makes him concerned. He can honestly understand why Seth will be overprotective. She seems so fragile. Delicate. Regardless, he doesn’t agree with the fact that he often decides for her life. They aren’t even married, not even official, and even if they are, she isn’t his property.
With the right disposition, Zoe can be whatever or whoever she wants. It is annoying him that she’s constrained because of a guy.
He turns on his bed, chin resting on his pillow, arms on the side.
“Man…”
Why do I care?
Kaito turns once more and pulls himself up. He tousles his hair and gazes outside the window. He’s pretty sure that Zoe’s room is close to the cherry blossom tree. He can see the other side of the tree from his room, and he wonders if she’s also looking at it at the same time.
I hope she’s alright.
Kaito didn’t get a good night's sleep. He couldn’t relax without knowing what happened, so he intentionally waits for Zoe the next day. They have the same class in the morning. He’s already on his bicycle in front of the dorm when Zoe passes by.
“Hey! Zoe!” he hollers.
Zoe presses her brakes and turns around. “Oh, Kaito. You’re still here. What are you doing?”
“I was just fixing something in my bag,” he lies then cycles toward her. “Let’s go together.”
“Sure. Let’s go.”
He quickly scans her face for any clue. Her eyes aren't puffy, and she seems cheerful. It appears like everything went fine with their conversation last night. That’s good enough for Kaito. He just hopes that Zoe decided to put herself first.
“The Sakura trees are beautiful!” Zoe exclaims while they cycle along the short cut. He gazes up. He didn’t notice until then that the cherry blossom trees are almost in full bloom.
“Yeah,” Kaito replies with a smile. “This is my first time seeing them, too. I think they’re charming.”
“Charming?” Zoe chuckles. “That’s unlike you.”
“What’s like me then?” Kaito glances at her. She tries to match his speed so they are cycling side by side.
“I don’t know…” she murmurs. “Maybe a different choice of words... ‘Flabbergasting’?”
Kaito breaks into laughter. “You overestimate me.”
“I guess. You’re full of surprises.” Zoe chuckles. “You’re outspoken yet mysterious. Do you realize that?”
“I just speak my mind.”
“Yeah.”
Zoe isn’t faking her cheerfulness, but Kaito wants to be sure, so after a short pause, he eventually asks, “So… How was it?”
Zoe knows that she owes Kaito an explanation. After all, he has become her exchange program best friend. She won’t tell him that, of course. It’s still hard for her to decipher his thoughts, and if he doesn’t think of her the same way, it will bum her out. Besides, she has told him a lot about herself, but she feels like he doesn’t trust her enough to open up the same way.
“I told him everything,” she says, a hint of pride in her voice. “About how I think he’s controlling and toxic. It’s the first time I spoke my mind without sugarcoating. I also asked him to clarify what we are. We’re adults. We can’t continue this weird casual relationship.”
A weight is lifted off Kaito’s shoulders. Zoe is beaming. That’s a good sign.
With a hopeful look, she utters, “Anyway, we’re still together… Although we decided to give each other some space.”
Kaito cocks his head to the side. “Because you don’t give up on people.”
“Yep,” she says, smiling.
Silence ensues. Kaito admires Zoe’s loyalty. Seth should know what’s at stake. He can’t be that stupid to not notice that Zoe likes him so much.
“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?”
“No,” he replies sincerely. “I think you did well, and that he’s lucky.”
“Is he?”
“Yeah. You’re a fighter,” Kaito says. “You don’t think it’s too late to save whatever you have.”
Zoe’s eyes gleam with pride, but with another sigh, she asks, “But honestly, do you think it’s worth it? I know there are red flags, but I’m just not willing to give it up. I don’t think we can still be friends if we fall apart...”
“Frankly, I don’t know enough to say if it’s worth it or not.” Kaito clicks his tongue. “But hey, it’s not like you to sound so pessimistic.”
Zoe forces laughter. “Right? I’m such an idiot. I’m overthinking again.”
They press their brakes due to the red traffic light.
“Hey, Kaito.”
Kaito looks sideways. “What?
“Tell me something I don’t know,” she says.
Kaito smirks. “It’s gonna be okay.”
And yes, she doesn’t know if it’s going to be okay. Unexpectedly, hearing it from Kaito brings her a ray of relief.
Her face lights up a bit, and for Kaito, that's a win.
That day, Jesse hosts a Hanami party which everyone agrees to do at the Inokashira Park in Mitaka. Kaito suggested it because there are fewer people at Inokashira compared with Ueno. At 4 PM, they are all done with their classes. They meet at the front gate of the Komaba campus.
“I bought gyoza from the grocery store and enough chopsticks for all of us,” Jesse mumbles excitedly. “I also brought a bottle of tea.”
“I have chips and plastic cups here.” Taylor lifts the bag containing the supplies.
Zoe bites her lower lip. She doesn’t have anything.
Kaito notices her reaction so he leans on her and whispers, “It’s okay, Zoe. Inokashira is our turf. We can stop by Don Quijote.”
Zoe beams at him. How can she forget?
They hop on the train to Kichijoji station. As usual, the train is crammed with people. Many are students, while a few are white-collar workers. Zoe notices elementary students around nine to ten years old inside the train. It astonishes her to see them commuting on their own. For some reason, she becomes embarrassed. Kaito notices her fret.
“Japan has a low crime rate, so commuting is normal even for k
ids.”
“No, it’s just embarrassing. I don’t remember traveling by myself before I turned 17, and 17 was old enough, don’t you think?”
“Well, it is,” Kaito admits. “But you shouldn’t feel awful for having your parents drive you. Anyone would have dreamed that kind of life. Commuting in the Philippines is terrible and exhausting.”