by Tanya Mindo
“I blame myself for telling him the truth. Maybe I shouldn’t have…”
“Zoe,” Kaito mutters. “It’s not your fault.”
Zoe grimaces. “You both say that it isn’t my fault, but it’s not what I feel.”
“Because it’s really not,” Kaito murmurs, frustrated. He leans closer to her. “How much did you want to come here, Zoe? Do you like where you are now?”
Kaito’s stare is piercing her soul. She lowers her gaze on her notes.
“I… I wanted this, Kaito. I’m happy to be here.”
His lips break into a gentle smile. “You have the right to pursue what you want. Your partner should want you to be happy. If he’s gonna be an asshole about it, then you don’t deserve him.”
“He did say that it isn’t my fault,” she says. “But I don’t know if I can believe him. It just makes me sad that we’re falling apart. To be completely honest with you, I don’t even understand why. I don’t think it’s just about me leaving.”
She heaves a sigh. “It sucks that my best friend isn’t speaking to me, too. It hurts thinking that maybe they’re doing something behind my back. I try to get it off my mind, but I can’t.”
Her tears start to form again. “I know Elle. I know she won’t hurt me like that… But I wish she would tell me something to reassure me.”
She wipes her tears away between her muffled sobs. Kaito flinches. He wants to touch her. It takes a lot of strength to keep his hands to himself.
He withdraws himself and leans back on his seat. It aches to see Zoe crying. He suddenly gets the urge to fly home and punch Seth on his face.
“Zoe, give it time… Alright? If your best friend is truly your best friend, she’ll come around. Maybe there’s a reason behind all this.”
“But what if it’s the end between me and Seth? Between me and Elle? I can’t help but feel that maybe… Coming here was a mistake.”
Even though her words pain him, he conceals it.
“I don’t know the answer, Zoe,” Kaito says. “But I do know that you can fly. With, or without them.”
Kaito takes her notes from her desk and slams the notebook. It triggers the other students’ death stares once more.
“For now, how about hanging out with the group? They keep on badgering me to get you out of here.” He winks. “Besides, people are already looking so we gotta go.”
She wipes her nose with her handkerchief. With a smile, she nods. They both leave their desks immediately.
“Sorry, Kaito.”
“Stop saying you’re sorry.”
“I’m sorry for saying I’m sorry,” she mumbles. “I will get rid of that habit, promise.”
Kaito smirks. “That’s how I like it.”
As soon as they cross the library doors, Zoe sees Marie, Jesse, Taylor, and Naoki waiting for them. They wave their hands excitedly. Her chest feels lighter. Marie wraps her arms on Zoe’s shoulders.
“So, he did know how to get you out,” Taylor teases. Kaito scowls at him.
“We’re not going to ask you anything you don’t wanna say,” Marie says. “But we don’t like to see you sulking.”
“Sorry…” she mumbles, glancing at Kaito. “I just needed to sort out my thoughts.”
“It’s cool,” Jesse says “But it’s almost Golden Week, and we don’t want to make plans without you.”
She feels an inkling of joy.
What was she thinking? She only has limited time with these people who have genuinely treated her as a friend.
“So where are we going?” she asks, delighted to be back.
Chapter Twelve
The gang picked Kamakura and Zushi for the Golden Week. Marie and Jesse insisted on visiting the Great Buddha in Kamakura, which Taylor strongly opposed but couldn’t win. Afterward, they would hop on the train to Zushi to see a movie festival at the beach.
Looking forward to something is a distraction, and it helps Zoe a great deal. Maybe it is the right thing to do. To let things be. She won’t make up dramatic scenarios in her head because they only make her feel lonely. She’ll wait for Elle. For Seth.
She trusts that they also value their friendship like her.
Kaito and Zoe stand at the platform of Shibuya station, waiting for the train to Kichijoji.
“Are you feeling any better?” he asks, a hint of concern in his voice since Zoe’s eyes remain puffy.
“Yes. Thanks, Kaito,” she says, sighing. “I’m so stupid to dwell on it when I only have a limited amount of time to spend with everyone.”
“It’s only been a few days.”
“A lot of things can happen in a few days.”
Kaito pokes his tongue on his cheek. “Don’t fret. You can still make up for it.”
She smiles wryly. “It’s just annoying. I’m always thinking about home even though I’m here. Don’t get me wrong, I love it here… But at the end of the day, I’m always wondering if I made the right decision.”
“You just said that you love it here.”
“Yeah?”
“So you made the right decision. You should choose what makes you happy. You’re privileged enough to do that.”
“Privileged?”
“Not everyone has the option to be happy, Zoe. Most people settle with what they have.”
Zoe tilts her head to the side. “Like...?”
Kaito simply grins at her.
“Well, I guess I should know better. You’re right. I am a privileged brat.”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t say you’re a brat. In any case, don’t let other things hold you back. Live.”
She raises her eyebrow. “Are you telling me to break up with Seth?”
“No, that’s not what I mean, why would I…” Kaito clears his throat then scratches his right temple.
“What I mean is clear things up. If he needs time, then give him time. Don’t mope around and allow him to drag you along with whatever issues he’s dealing with. You’re your own person.”
I’m my own person, she repeats in her mind. It was what Seth told her, too. That he became scared because she was changing.
“Okay, okay. Thanks for the pep talk, Kaito. I know you’re getting sick of me saying either ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘thanks’, but you’ve been an amazing friend. I think you deserve a reward for that.”
He just smirks, amused at himself.
“Mmm. You’re not secretly regretting that you helped me before, right? I mean, on my first day…”
“No.”
“Do you think I’m too dependent on you?”
“No, you’re not. You haven’t burdened me with anything. We’re friends, alright?”
Gratitude wells up inside her.
“Great,” she answers, grinning. “This exchange program has been so fun because I got to know you and the others. You’re right. I shouldn’t be sulking. We have limited time to make memories.”
Kaito smiles. “I’m glad you cheered up.”
“It’s like what you said. I have to live.”
The train arrives. Passengers get off the train and then they enter.
“I’m glad you think that we made your stay here better,” Kaito says as they take their seats next to the door.
“I wonder if I would have made friends if I never met you and Jesse.”
“Oh, you would have met someone. In the library,” he teases. She rolls her eyes.
“Kidding aside, you underestimate yourself. I told you, I’m a good judge of character. Our friends like you a lot.”
“Are you just saying that to comfort me?”
Kaito snorts. “No, I’m not lying. They think you’re the baby girl of the group.”
She leers at him. “That’s not what I’m going for. I don’t want to be taken care of anymore, Kaito.”
“It’s not exactly ‘taking care of’, Zoe. It’s like we all want to introduce you to something so we can watch your face light up in excitement.”
Zoe clicks her tongue and pouts.
Kaito pauses for a moment and stares at her face. With a slight grin, he answers, “I have no idea.”
Zoe switches her laptop on when she arrives at the dorm. She changes her clothes and sits on her desk, fumbling through her notes. She only needs to proofread her paper for her European literature class, which she has a really good time writing. She is done with her other midterm papers. The deadlines are still weeks away; procrastination is just not her thing.
She logs in on her social media account. Elle’s name instantly pops out—she finally sent her a message.
Zoe feels her chest constrict, fingers quivering. Elle is ready to talk to her, but is she ready to listen to whatever it is that she wants to say?
Elle: Zoe, are you available to talk?
She draws a deep breath before replying: “Yes.”
A few seconds later, Elle video calls her. She reluctantly presses ‘answer’.
Elle is at home. She has dark circles under her eyes, and her skin looks dull. Zoe is worried, though she tries to conceal it. She is still mad at her. Elle ignored her without any explanation.
“Hi.” Elle’s voice is croaky as if she recently cried.
“Hi.”
They sit there in silence. Elle chews on a cuticle, and Zoe knows that she is nervous. She feels a fluttery feeling in her stomach.
There have been too many awkward pauses in her week, and it is driving her crazy. Her relationships seem to be flimsy. Or were they ever as sturdy as she thought?
Elle draws a deep breath.
“Zoe, I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping in touch. It’s just that… I don’t know how to tell you this.”
Zoe’s fists clench, bracing herself for the truth.
“It’s not my place to say. I tried to persuade Seth to tell you, but he just wouldn’t budge. Not yet. I didn’t know what to say to you anymore. I didn’t want to lie.” Elle’s eyes brim with tears.
“You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to hurt you.”
Zoe’s throat painfully closes up. She swallows.
So, it’s true.
Zoe tries to restrain herself, but her voice cracks. “But you already did, Elle. You ignored me.”
“I’m sorry, Zoe. I didn’t want to leave you hanging like that. I just needed time—”
“For what?” she snaps, impatient. “When did it start, Elle?”
“What?” Elle’s lips part. The confusion in her face angers Zoe further.
“When did you two start cheating on me?” she seethes. “I can’t believe this. You just broke up with Connor. How can you—?”
“What? No, Zoe. I’m not doing anything behind your back!” Elle protests abruptly.
Zoe draws her head back then frowns. “What? Then… What’s going on?”
Elle sighs. “Zoe, it isn’t my place to say. Seth is still my friend. He needs to be the one to tell you. I just called to let you know that you must trust me. And that… Please be patient with Seth.”
She feels an unexpected release of tension in her body. They aren’t cheating on her. However, she remains confused.
“Why can’t you tell me?”
Elle bites her lower lip. “This is between you two, Zoe. You’re both important people to me. I’m sorry if I can’t be of any help.”
Zoe heaves a sigh. “Alright, Elle. I will trust you. Thank you for talking to me. I was starting to doubt you… I’m sorry.”
“I figured. Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault, Zoe. Anyone would have thought the same,” she pauses. “How are you?”
Zoe half-shrugs. “I’m okay, I guess. I’m confused, but I’ll be fine. I’m happy that you talked to me, Elle. I was really starting to feel bad. I thought I’d lose you, too. But Seth and I… I guess this was bound to happen sooner or later. Things haven’t been going so well for us since I came here.”
Her lips press into a thin line. “You know what? It has been going on for a while. I just ignored it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you were spot-on when you told me that I should at least argue with Seth to do what I want.”
Elle grins sheepishly. “He was controlling, wasn’t he? He always called the shots.”
Zoe smiles weakly. “I guess everyone noticed except for me.”
“You looked happy, Zoe. I didn’t want to take that away from you.”
“I was happy, Elle. Or maybe I wasn’t. I only chose not to hurt him. To not make things complicated between us.”
Elle looks at her desktop screen with a satisfied smile. “You’ve changed.”
“I think so…” Zoe confesses. “You know, Elle? It felt wrong to reject him when he told me he liked me. I didn’t have any reason to not like him, so I said yes. Our relationship made me feel secure, and I think I stayed with Seth because he was always there when I needed him.”
Zoe drops her gaze to her lap. “He may be controlling, but I think I was also at fault. I built this image of him in my head. I always let him get his way.”
“Zoe...”
“I also realized that I didn’t even know what I wanted. I didn’t even know how to like myself. How could I like him when there’s nothing left of me, when to begin with, there was nothing to give?”
Elle nods slowly. “I understand, Zoe. But... You have feelings for him, right?”
“I did like him. Despite everything, I did. And I still do. But I think… I don’t like him as much as I thought.”
Her heart throbs as she speaks. The old her would have chastised herself for blurting these feelings out; however, she is only relieved to tell Elle the truth.
“Things aren’t the same as they used to be. I think I’ve fallen in love with myself more. Is that selfish?”
Elle's face relaxes, a small smile crossing her lips. “Believe me, Zoe. That’s a wonderful thing. I completely understand what you mean, and I support you.”
“I think Seth is going through the same thing. We talked, and he told me that he took control of me and our relationship because it made him feel like everything was going well in his life.”
Elle purses her lips, careful about what she might say.
“I wanted to fix things between us, but right now, I’m not sure,” Zoe admits.
“I think I can say the same about me and Connor.” Elle laughs. “I can’t believe we fell for total nutjobs.”
Zoe raises her eyebrow. “I haven’t heard what happened between you and him.”
Elle leans back in her chair and chews a cuticle again. “It’s the same thing between you and Seth.”
Zoe has a hard time sleeping that night. She stopped pressuring Elle to tell her the truth because she could see how difficult it was for her, too. It isn’t her secret to tell.
Zoe tosses and turns and stares at the ceiling. In her mind, she can picture ending things with Seth, and she feels a stabbing pain in her heart.
Is she ready to let him go?
She likes Seth wholeheartedly. She still does. Although her feelings have changed, she doesn’t want their relationship to end like that.
But is it worth saving?
Suddenly, Kaito’s words slip into her mind. The person she deserves is someone who would want her to be happy, and Seth isn’t like that. And she isn’t the kind of girl he wants.
She has decided to change, to evolve, and if Seth couldn’t accept her choice to become a better version of herself, then they should no longer be together.
It stings.
Leaving isn’t a mistake.
Things turn out this way because she left. Because she took her chances.
The Golden Week begins on the 29th of April and will end on the 5th of May. Their trip to Kamakura is delayed to the 1st of May because Naoki has to go somewhere with his family. While he insists that they leave without him, the gang refuses to do so.
“We’re not leaving without you,” Kaito states. Naoki becomes flushed as he ro
lls his eyes.
“You guys are cheesy,” he grumbles.
Taylor tousles Naoki’s hair. They all laugh, and it is the end of discussion.