by Tanya Mindo
Kaito waves at her. She waves back. Kaito grabs his phone out of his pocket and types something. Five seconds later, Zoe receives a message.
“Bangohan o tabemasenka?”
Zoe smiles and types back, “Chotto matte.”
Zoe comes running to Kaito. She looks flushed, eyes bloodshot from studying.
“What are you doing down here?” she asks, panting.
“I was just looking at this tree for the last time. Its leaves will soon turn green,” Kaito answers. “You look tired.”
“Yeah, I’ve been studying for my Japanese test,” she answers, glancing at the tree.
It’s true. The shades of pink have been replaced by green leaves. Like they were never there.
Zoe purses her lips, her shoulders slumping. She will no longer be able to see the beautiful tree from her room.
“That’s too bad,” she says. “I really liked seeing them from my window. It’s upsetting how the flowers can just disappear like that and be replaced by something new.”
“But it makes you appreciate it more, right? Things that are special, though temporary, tend to last longer in our memories.”
Zoe recalls the Hanami party that they had and everything that has happened since she arrived. She remembers every detail perfectly.
She nods slowly.
“You’re right. Perhaps because we know that it may not happen again, so we treasure it,” she pauses, and with a sad smile, she adds, “Like this exchange program.”
“Like this moment.”
Zoe turns her head and Kaito is staring at her. She feels a tingling sensation in her belly. She breaks eye contact instantly.
“I mean, the pink buds will be gone by tomorrow. Somebody will sweep them. Or they’ll be carried away by the wind,” Kaito says. “We will never be able to stand at this same spot and look at this tree the same way.”
“Y-Yeah, you’re right,” she stammers. “But at least it happened. At least we saw it up close for the last time.”
“At least it happened.” Kaito grins slightly as he repeats her words. “I’ll meet you outside, get your bicycle.”
They cycle to a nearby ramen store close to the municipal hall. It is dimly lit, a little narrow, yet it is clean and has a pleasant ambience. They take the seats close to the door. Kaito orders for them.
“How’s your Japanese going?”
“It’s fine. I just want to pass,” Zoe responds, pouring water for the two of them. “How about you? How are your classes?”
“We only have paper works,” Kaito says, propping his chin on his fist. “It’s amazing, isn’t it? They don’t require exams. You just need to attend classes and pass your papers. “
“Yeah, I have this one class that only requires a take-home exam. I’m quite nervous about how my grades will turn out.”
Kaito smirks. “Relax. You’ll either get an A or A+. Todai Professors are lax for a top university.”
Zoe nods giddily. Good grades make her happy. It will also make her parents happy. It will make them forget that she forced them to send her to this program.
Their bowls of ramen arrive. They smell amazing. Zoe quickly gobbles down hers.
“You might choke.” Kaito hands her paper towels. “Wipe your face.”
Zoe takes them from his fingers and wipes the stain on her lips.
“Thanks. You’re really like an Onii-chan,” she mumbles, chewing. “I’m an only child, but if I did have a brother, it would be amazing if he were like you.”
Kaito pauses for a while, trying to fight the queasy feeling her words give him. He has always disliked being called the Onii-chan of the gang but hearing it from Zoe irks him more. He dismisses the thought. He wants to look at her as if she were Nanako anyway. It shouldn’t bother him.
“You’re so attentive to the needs of other people,” Zoe adds cheerfully, then she stops.
Kaito swallows a huge chunk of noodles. “What?”
“Well... I’m really sorry for doubting your intentions before. You see, I’ve never really had male friends. I’m also quite unsure about how to distinguish flirting from mere politeness. But now I get it. You’re a gentleman. Quite mysterious, but a true gentleman.”
Kaito half-smiles. “If you put it that way, then thanks.”
Zoe sips on her cup of tea.
“But seriously. You should be careful about being too nice. You might give other girls the wrong impression. I was just dumb, but you don’t want it to happen again, do you?”
Kaito pokes his tongue on his cheek.
“Kaito?”
He meets Zoe’s gaze.
“Yeah, you’re right,” he replies in a low tone. “It can’t happen again.”
Zoe shrugs her shoulders. “It’s just a piece of advice.”
Kaito chuckles. “You’re extra chatty tonight.”
Zoe smiles. A noodle is visibly stuck between her two front teeth. “I don’t know why, but every day, I get comfortable with you. I want you to be comfortable with me, too. You can tell me anything.”
Kaito hands her paper towels again. “You have something between your teeth.”
Zoe removes the food from her mouth, then she grins at Kaito. He inspects her mouth.
“Yeah, it’s gone.”
“Thanks.”
Kaito sips on his ramen bowl.
“Kaito, can you also tell me something about yourself? I want to get to know you, too.”
He is done with his ramen. “Hmm, let me see… I study at the same university as you, although I’m from a different campus. I live in the north. It’s probably why we never saw each other back home.”
“So, we can still meet as soon as we return, right?”
Kaito thinks for a second. He really can see her after this exchange program.
But does he want to see her with Seth? Perhaps. When his feelings fade, then he can manage that. But does he think that his feelings will be gone soon? No.
“Hey, Kaito,” she mutters, her brows curled against each other. “You’re not gonna disappear on me, right?”
He smiles. “Sure, we can still meet. Why not?”
Zoe notes how Kaito slightly wiggles his eyebrows.
“Great. You’re the first friend I made here and the first guy friend I had since Seth and Connor. I don’t want to lose you just because we’re no longer living close to each other.”
Kaito blushes. He runs his fingers through his hair and averts his gaze.
“So… What else? That’s way too obvious,” Zoe presses.
He clears his throat to reset his emotions.
“Uh… My favorite color is black. I have a pet dog named Buffy. She’s a black Labrador… And… My sister’s name is Nanako.”
“Nanako, huh,” Zoe repeats attentively. “Well… Do you have any idea where they are?”
“No,” he answers softly. “They probably moved on. So I also did.”
Zoe doesn’t believe him. She saw the way he wiggled his eyebrows once again. He’s lying. If she has a special talent at all, it will be recognizing when people lie. Seth wrinkles his nose, while Kaito wiggles his eyebrows.
So he lied when he said we can still meet.
She chooses not to point it out, though her feelings are hurt. Why wouldn’t he want to see her again?
They pay the owner of the ramen house and leave the restaurant. Kaito doesn’t speak as they cycle, and Zoe chooses not to say anything as well. Kaito opened up for a bit, and that was more than enough. They arrive at the dorm right away. Both press their brakes to say good night. Kaito turns around and smiles gently at her.
“Good luck on your test tomorrow. Ganbatte.”
“Domo. Oyasumi.”
Kaito’s smile widens, showing his perfectly aligned teeth. “Oyasumi, Zoe.”
Zoe lies down on her bed around 11 PM. She scanned her textbook briefly, and soon realized that she is well-prepared. There is nothing left to study.
Her mind wanders back to Seth. She does want some space,
but it’s almost like they’ve broken up. She already misses him. They haven’t talked for days. Good mornings and good nights are not counted as conversations.
Zoe musters her remaining courage and patience. Though she hates how she can’t resist taking the first step—the distance is killing her.
She sends Seth a message.
“Hey. Are you busy?”
He replies straight away. “A little bit.”
“Can I call?” she asks. “I just want to hear your voice.”
The reply comes after five minutes. “Yes.”
Seth picks up after three rings.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
Zoe is happy to hear Seth’s voice, but she can’t deny that something is different. Her heart doesn’t jump for joy. She doesn’t feel the burning sensation in her stomach… She feels normal.
She knows that their relationship is bound to reach the stage where emotions would become stable and the excitement would fade. Maybe this is it.
However, her heart knows that this is more than stability—she and Seth are on the edge, barely surviving.
They’ve been friends for two years before they started dating, so she thought they have built something beautiful, something strong that can outlast anything… But her relationship with Seth feels so frail.
Is it my fault? Should I have just kept quiet?
“How are you?” Her voice is low. She is testing the waters.
“I… I’m okay. You?”
Seth doesn’t sound pleased to hear from her. She feels a painful tightness in her throat.
“I’m alright. I had dinner outside. I have an exam tomorrow.”
Zoe nervously chews her lips as she stares at the ceiling, picturing Seth’s face.
“I thought about what you said…” he whispers.
Zoe’s heart races. Her fingers tremble in panic.
“And I agree with you.”
“Seth, look. I’m sorry if I hurt you—”
“Let me finish first, Zoe,” he interrupts.
Zoe notices the strain in his voice. She gasps.
“Everything’s my fault. Our relationship was the only thing that I was certain of, so I tried my best not to mess it up,” he groans. “But I still ruined it.”
Zoe should take a step back to make things right. Maybe she is asking too much. She is away and the overwhelming experience is clouding her judgment. Besides, they should talk about this kind of thing face-to-face. She can wait. She would put up with Seth’s attitude towards her while she is here. Things will be better. Things will go back to how they were.
Zoe holds her breath. “Seth, it’s okay. Forget what I said—”
“No, Zoe. We can’t do that anymore.”
Seth sighs, and Zoe’s eyes start to water. What has she done?
“You were always so sweet, and you never nagged. You just… Trusted me. When you stopped coming to school and then you left for Japan, I slowly became aware that you were slipping away from my fingers. I was scared. You became your own person in such a short time.”
Seth’s voice is shaking. “I felt like I lost a part of me that I needed.” Then he sighs again. “Or at least I thought I needed.”
She can’t contradict him. But his last words linger, and it confuses her. What did he mean?
“I’m going through something… Zoe. I haven’t figured it out yet, but you were the only person I could control. I thought everything was going well in my life. Yes, I admit that I controlled you and our relationship because it made me feel at ease. It tricked me into believing that I was okay. But I wasn’t. Things are getting out of hand. I hate myself.”
She can’t understand what is happening. Seth speaks so vaguely. This isn’t what she expected. Seth suddenly doesn’t make any sense.
“I don’t understand. What’s going on?”
She only hears him groan out of exasperation. “I can’t talk about this anymore, Zoe. I’m tired.”
Zoe pulls herself up, her chest rising and falling with rapid breaths.
“Seth, please, let me understand. What’s happening?”
“I told you, you were right,” he answers. “Please give me time. I have a lot on my plate right now.”
“But Seth—”
“Zoe, please,” he begs.
Her throat hurts as she suppresses her tears.
“Zoe, it’s not your fault. I was wrong. Our relationship began on the wrong foot. You were the one who was brave enough to face it. I couldn’t even call you my girlfriend.”
The tears finally streamed down her cheeks. She begins sobbing.
“Don’t cry, please...”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
Zoe wipes the tears from her eyes, though they continue falling.
“Do you still like me?”
“God, I do,” he replies, his voice breaking.
Zoe wishes that she could see him, so she could know if he wrinkled his nose.
Seth bids goodbye shortly, and Zoe is too exhausted to stop him and continue demanding an explanation.
They are falling apart, and the burden is on her shoulders.
Zoe decides to call Elle on FaceTime, but she doesn't answer. Elle hasn’t been communicating with her at all. Elle is supposed to be her best friend, but it doesn’t feel like that lately. Bitterness and doubt ripple through her.
Something is going on at home, and nobody, not even Elle, is telling her what it is.
Days passed quickly, and she never heard from Seth and Elle again. She stopped crying after two nights and shifted her focus on her papers and readings. In her vacant time, she toured around Shinjuku, Akihabara, and Ginza alone. She shopped and tried new restaurants to forget.
She made excuses not to hang out with her friends. Not even Kaito. He constantly tried to ask her to dinner, but she never replied. She didn’t want to spoil their fun. At school, she stayed in the library knowing that her friends would never find her there. They never visited the library.
Zoe thought that she needed some time alone to figure things out, but the truth was, she had only been overthinking and making herself miserable. She had even imagined Seth and Elle cheating on her, and it ripped her heart to shreds. Although it was unlikely, she couldn’t rule out the possibility since Elle hasn’t talked to her.
Zoe didn’t know how she would forgive Elle and Seth if it were true.
How could they do that to her? She hasn’t even been gone for two months. How could they betray her?
“Easy, tiger.”
Zoe snaps out of her trance. Kaito is sitting next to her in the library. He lays his eyes on her hands. She unintentionally crumpled her notes with her fingers. She lets go.
“W-Why are you here?”
“Why do you think?” he asks kindly.
She stays quiet.
“You’ve been avoiding us, Zoe. Everyone’s worried about you. Did we do something wrong?”
Zoe shakes her head. “No. Of course not,” she whispers. “I’m sorry if you guys felt that way.”
Kaito’s shoulders relax. “Can you at least tell me what’s troubling you?”
Zoe bites her lip then raises her head to meet Kaito’s anxious gaze. She squirms. Her friends have been great to her. She shouldn’t have disappeared on them like that.
Strangely, seeing Kaito comforts her.
She misses him.
“I don’t know what to say, actually,” she confesses. “Seth and I are just… On a break. I’m just trying to handle it alone. Don’t wanna be a party pooper. Again.”
Kaito nods calmly, resting his chin on his left palm. “I see.”
He doesn’t know what to feel about what Zoe said. A part of his brain tells him that he should be happy since he might have a chance with her if they break up, but the other part says that he should support her because breaking up means that Zoe will be unhappy.
He chooses the latter.
“I guess I hurt him when I spoke my mind.
So… I guess I’m unlucky after all. Even if I don’t give up on people, that doesn’t mean they won’t give up on me,” she whispers, noticing that other students have started to shoot daggers at them.