by Tanya Mindo
Seth’s face lights up. “I’m glad to hear that, Zoe.”
Zoe clenches her fists.
“Seth, I’m sorry.”
He frowns. “What? What do you mean?”
“I received your letter a few days ago. I just needed time to process everything. I wanted to talk to you right away, but it was shocking to me. I hope you understand.”
“It’s okay. I understand, Zoe. You can have all the time that you need.”
“But that is not why I am sorry,” she mumbles. “I’m sorry I didn’t know that you were having a hard time. Before anything else, you were my friend, and I should have been someone you can confide in.”
Seth shakes his head intensely. “You have no fault in this, Zoe. I thought everything would be okay if I continued dating you. You should be mad at me.”
“I was. For a short while,” she confesses. “I questioned all the moments that we shared, but you said in your letter that they were real. So, I believe you.”
Her eyes begin to well up once more. “But what you’re going through… I can only imagine it. I completely understand how difficult it must have been for you to accept who you are. I want you to know that I forgive you. And I love you. Things may not be the same as before, but you will always have my full support.”
Seth’s lips twitch into a smile, then soon, he begins to cry. He laughs and wipes his nose, but his gratitude is apparent. Zoe doesn’t know where she got the strength to accept his confession. Still, she knows that she can’t stay mad at him for acknowledging himself.
It is not his fault. It is not a mistake. He’s just the way he is.
“You are who you are, Seth. I may not be the best person to talk to about this, but you can always call me, alright? I am still your friend. I want to do everything I can to help you get through this.”
“Zoe…” he speaks between his muffled sobs. “You don’t know how much this means to me. This… This really helps. It’s been truly hard for me. For years, I have tried my best to be... Straight. Please don’t take this the wrong way… There were moments when I thought I was devoted to you. Just you. But then it will just strike me suddenly that I am also attracted to someone else. Of opposite gender. I thought I was going insane. It’s… It’s driving me crazy until now.”
It’s the first time she sees Seth vulnerable and honest. All these years, Seth has never been this open. He was the stereotypical masculine man.
But the Seth in front of her now is different. He is the real Seth.
“Does he make you happy?” Zoe asks.
Seth smiles weakly. “He does.”
“Then that’s what matters. It will be okay, Seth. Just love who you love.”
Chapter Fifteen
Seth and Zoe officially let go of each other after that call. They stop messaging each other every day, which is fine with Zoe because it is what feels right. Things can’t go back to the way it was before in a blink of an eye. They both need space. Seth has his issues to deal with, and Zoe only wants to make things lighter for him.
She trusts that what they used to have will slowly bloom into a genuine and stronger friendship.
One step at a time.
Lately, her time and energy have been devoted to singing practices and studying. The university festival is scheduled next week, so members of the music club have been practicing nonstop. Their scheduled performances are also given to them. On the first day, Kaito and Zoe will be playing after lunchtime for one hour, and another performance is set from 5 PM to 6 PM.
Kaito notices that Zoe is more relaxed and undistracted during rehearsals. He also notices that Zoe never wore the necklace again.
As much as he wants to ask her, he chooses to keep it to himself. Maybe it broke. Maybe it irritated her skin. He can’t allow himself to get excited over it. He shouldn’t jump to conclusions.
The Friday before the festival, the music club members, except Zoe and Kaito, pack up and leave around 6 PM. When Zoe returns from buying drinks at the co-op, only Kaito, who is playing the piano, is there. Zoe leans on the door, arms crossed, and stares at him from afar. She wonders why Kaito isn’t a music major. He loves music, and he is brilliant at it.
And he looked the most handsome when he’s playing music...
She suddenly recalls what he told everyone at Zushi.
Zoe heaves a sigh.
Kaito stops pressing the piano keys and squints at her. “Why are you just standing there? Come here.”
She marches toward him. He scoots to let her sit.
“Here you go.” She hands a bottle of water to Kaito. He takes it with a grateful grin. Zoe sits next to him in front of the piano.
“What other instruments can you play?” she asks, pressing a key.
“The violin.”
Zoe beams. “That’s impressive. Did you go to classes?”
Kaito shakes his head, taking a sip. “I taught myself. We have a neighbor who owns a music store. He lent me his old stuff.”
Zoe gapes. “You’re amazing.”
Kaito reddens, threading a hand through his hair. “It’s the only thing I’m good at.”
“At least there’s something you’re good at,” Zoe comments. “I don’t think I have anything like that. I do have good grades, but I don’t even have a passion to learn and do anything else. I also have mediocre looks, so I’m—”
“You don’t look mediocre to me,” Kaito interrupts.
Zoe flinches. “Well… Thanks.”
She clears her throat, her pulse racing.
“Anyway, it’s nice to know that you can do something you like... Don’t you regret that you didn’t pursue music?”
“It won’t pay the bills.”
Zoe acknowledges his reply. “I guess… But it sounds so sad to me. That we tend to give up what we truly want for a stable life. I know I’m not in the position to say this. I’m privileged, and I’ve never had problems with my finances. But it’s heartbreaking. Life’s unfair.”
“You just do whatever you can do with the cards that you’re dealt with,” Kaito says. “Zoe, it’s what you do with that privilege that will matter in the end.”
Zoe hangs her head. “I guess. I wish I could do something...”
Kaito gazes at her gently. “Just focus on yourself first, alright? You can’t pour with an empty cup. You’re always thinking about other people.”
Zoe chuckles. “Aren’t you the same?”
“I guess.”
Zoe chews her lips and looks down on the piano keys. “I don’t know. Although I have the means, I don’t know what to do with my life. We really can’t have it all.”
“You’ll find it out. There’s no need to rush.”
“But it’s like time is running out for me. Like I have no room for failures.”
“We don’t intentionally make room for failures, but I think you just have to look at those failures differently. It may either mean that it’s not for you, or you need to try harder.”
“That’s the other thing, Kaito. How do I know that it’s not for me? Or that I only need to try harder?”
She lifts her chin, meeting Kaito’s eyes. She places her palm over his.
“I wish I could change my perspective like you. But... It’s easier said than done. I know I blurted out things like holding on to uncertainties, but I have these moments when I question myself whether I can actually make it. Don’t take this the wrong way… But Kaito… How is it that even if you can’t do what you want… It still feels like you’re settled and ready for whatever life’s gonna throw at you?”
“Because I have to survive.”
Zoe smiles sadly. She doesn’t want Kaito to settle for anything just to survive, but he’s right. She can’t pour with an empty cup.
“Do you think I should, too? Settle, I mean.”
Kaito shakes his head and places his other hand on top of Zoe’s. She holds her breath.
“No. You have the means. Why should you? You will find what you want, and you
will go after it.”
“How can you be so confident about me?”
Kaito pulls both his hands away and presses a random piano key. “Because I think you have a lot to give. You’re just afraid. Look at you, you can sing in front of people now, right? You never even imagined doing it. But here you are. You’re still growing.”
“But aren’t you the same? You’re still growing, but you’re settling with whatever. You don’t make plans for yourself,” Zoe retorts.
Kaito smiles. “It’s a smart choice for me. I’m not like you.”
Without waiting for Zoe’s reply, he begins to play a song.
Zoe simply listens to the music Kaito created. She watches his fingers delicately moving from key to key. The sound resonates in the entire room, and though the song is unfamiliar, it tugs her heartstrings. Hope blooms inside of her, causing her to feel at peace. She didn’t know music could raise her spirits.
When Kaito ceases to play, Zoe is smiling from ear to ear.
“Did you like it?”
She nods. “You’re really good.”
“I composed it. I randomly pressed keys and that just came out,” Kaito mumbles, blushing.
Zoe thinks he’s cute, but she doesn’t say it.
“Wow. See? That’s what I mean. You’re the happiest when you play. Can’t you do what you really want to do for the rest of your life?”
Kaito covers the keyboard and stands up from the chair.
“Let’s go.”
Zoe immediately grabs her things and follows Kaito out.
“Kaito, I’m jealous of you. You know what you want, but will you truly throw it away?”
Kaito scratches his nose as he walks out of the building.
“Hey… Kaito….” she presses.
With a tired smile, he replies, “I’m not throwing it away, Zoe. I’m just setting it aside for more important things.”
“Like?”
“Like making money. My father is old. I want him to rest.”
Kaito stops walking, then he turns to Zoe. They now stand in front of the building.
“I’m fine, Zoe. I do like music, but I can’t put it first. I need a stable job to support myself and my father.”
At that point, Zoe examines him. Kaito didn’t wiggle his eyebrows, which means that he is serious about his decision.
“But you’re not gonna stop playing, right? Even after you return home, and you graduate, and you work. You’re going to continue making music?”
He lets out a moan. “I just want to focus on one thing at a time, but you won’t drop it, so yes, I will. Now, can we move on?”
He starts marching to the station. Zoe walks together with him, trying to keep up with his pace.
“Do you promise?”
“Mmm.”
“Sorry, Kaito. I guess I’m just jealous. May is almost over, but I still have no idea what to do next after this.”
“What’s next is you graduate.”
They enter the waiting area of Komaba-Todaimae station.
“Then?”
Kaito groans.
As soon as they stop walking, he holds both Zoe’s shoulders and pulls her so she will face him. He arches his back to meet her gaze. Zoe’s eyes widen.
All of a sudden, her heart picks up speed, as if signaling that he is too close. Her cheeks flame, but she can’t look away.
When has he become so charming?
“Let’s cross the bridge when we get there, okay? Your thoughts are scattered everywhere. You worry too much. If this is how you’ll act, then stop thinking about my future and get down to your own business.”
Kaito straightens his back and lets go of her shoulders, but Zoe is still blushing. She finally musters the guts to look away.
“Yeah, y-you’re right. Gotta clean up my backyard first,” she stammers awkwardly.
The train arrives, temporarily distracting Zoe from her thoughts.
They talk during their bicycle ride home, with Zoe trying her best to not be affected by how she felt earlier. She laughs and responds like the usual, relieved that it’s already nighttime. At least, that way, Kaito won’t notice how often she glances at him. How much she adores his facial features. His jaw. His cheeks... How much she likes how his eyelashes appear long and pretty.
Kaito can’t know that he has a certain effect on her. Kaito is cynical toward relationships. He’ll reject her, and it will ruin their friendship.
Moreover, she just broke up with Seth. Although he has moved on, she hasn't. She still misses him, and she often finds herself reminiscing about the times when they were happy. It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns, but there were times when she thought Seth was the one.
She also has a lot of things to figure out regarding her life, and that does not include her love life. She can’t enter another relationship hoping that the other person will fix her. She must fix herself.
Zoe swiftly takes a shower as soon as she arrives at the dorm. She gets a strong urge to write about the feelings that have barged into her head, but she decides not to. It will mean recognizing their existence, and that isn’t something she wants.
She changes into her pajamas and dries her hair. She flicks her eyes to the tree outside, her mind getting flashbacks of the last time she and Kaito stood under it. Her heart races. She intensely shakes her head, as if trying to shoo away her thoughts about him.
When her hair becomes dry, she fixes her bed before lying down, her eyes on the ceiling.
What’s he doing?
She squeezes her eyes shut.
This is embarrassing.
She can’t get him off her mind. This isn’t what it was like with Seth. It was… Calmer.
I mean, there was no sign that Seth was gonna confess to me. It just happened, and I said yes right away.
But tonight is different. Her feelings are overflowing, and they are slowly consuming her. It scares her. Once more, she has something to be scared about.
The university festival is held at the Hongo campus, allowing more people to enter and enjoy the activities. Kaito left Mitaka earlier than Zoe because he is a member of the committee, so she has to travel to Hongo on her own. The train going to the campus is unusually crowded. Her stomach hardens at the thought that there will be too many people visiting Todai. She knows they aren’t coming to see her. But still.
Elle and Seth wished her luck for the day. Her parents also called her in the morning, wishing her the best for her performance. They specifically requested to film it.
When Zoe arrives at the campus, she gapes at the sight of decorations and the massive crowd entering the red Akamon gate.
“Wah….”
Locals look forward to the Todai university festival. More and more visitors are entering Hongo even though hundreds might already be inside.
Zoe scans her surroundings. Colorful banners hover from above. Several stalls selling food are put up and are being managed by the students, while many are clustered to take photos. Live music comes from various directions. The scene is overwhelming.
She draws a deep breath as she stares at her clothes, secretly hoping that she looks decent enough to perform. She is wearing a red, plaid skirt, a pair of black leather boots that Elle lent her, and a plain white sweatshirt.
Am I underdressed?
She hasn’t worn these clothes since she arrived. She has always thought that the skirt is short, and the boots are too much. She only packed them in case of an emergency where she might need to dress up. And this is it.
“Hey.”
She spins to see who called her attention. It was Kaito. He looks dashing in his cream-colored bonnet, black turtleneck long sleeves, dark gray pants, and red Converse shoes.
He’s so cool.
Then she snaps out of it instantly.
What am I thinking? It’s his normal clothes!
He approaches her with a slight grin.
“You’re finally here.” He stares at her from head to toe. “And you look great.”
She blushes. “W-What are you doing here?”
“I was waiting for you. You don’t really know Hongo, right? I thought you might get lost especially with this crowd.”
Zoe nods, still flushed. “Yeah. I only come here for my scholarship signing.”