by Tanya Mindo
“The night that we fought, I drove my motorcycle and ran away from home. But a drunk driver hit me in an accident. I almost died.”
Zoe swallows, a pang of pain settling in her belly. It didn’t happen, though the idea of Kaito not being with her weakens her knees. She glances at him and suddenly feels a gush of appreciation that he is alive and next to her.
Not meeting Kaito would have changed her entire experience in Japan. And she doesn’t want that.
“I was fortunate. The only thing I got from the accident was this scar. It’s not truly pleasing to the eye, but at least I’m alive. I got delayed for a year, and my father let me go. Maybe it was because he became scared that I’d run away again.”
Zoe musters the courage and asks, “You didn’t mean to crash against the car, right?”
The two of them stop in front of the dorm. He shoots a wistful gaze at her.
“I didn’t. I didn’t want to die, Zoe. If that’s what you think.”
“I just want to be sure that you've never had suicidal thoughts.”
“I’m not suicidal. Especially now that I have more reasons to live. Even though I didn’t find my family, I’m moving forward for my father. And I still have a lot of songs to play.”
He rakes his hand through his hair.
“But you know what? It’s true that your life will flash in front of you when you’re at the brink of your death. All your good choices, bad choices, the people you love, the people you dislike. It’s all gonna come back to you. And I’ve never thought of death before that accident, but the moment before I blacked out, I actually felt... No pain. I just accepted that I was dying like that. Now I’m not scared of it anymore.”
“Wow... “ Zoe says. “I don’t know what to say… I’ve never thought of death that way. And actually, I’m scared…”
Kaito smiles and looks up at the sky.
“That’s fair, Zoe. Though it’s why I’m trying to be as present as I can be. I know sometimes you think that I’m reckless. But it’s only because I have experienced almost dying. I understand that I might leave this world anytime. I’ve made my way toward accepting death.”
Zoe stares at Kaito. He didn’t wiggle his eyebrows.
“Okay,” she mutters under her breath.
She feels as though their bond has become even stronger. Her heart pounds, her fingers fiddling with her sleeves.
“I really appreciate that you told me this story. I know that you rarely talk about yourself… This means a lot.”
“I saw through you. You were dying to ask me about it,” he teases.
Zoe rolls her eyes. “I just think that it’s unfair. It’s unfair that I burden you with my issues, yet you carry yours alone.”
“My life isn’t exactly a good story to tell. Yours is less depressing.”
She snorts. “That makes it more important to talk about. Who knows what’s going on inside your head?”
“Okay, but there’s nothing more to tell about me. That’s it.”
Kaito lied. There’s one thing he is dying to tell Zoe.
But I won’t say it.
He’s not being ‘as present as he could be’ after all. It seems like he’s more afraid of losing her than actually losing his life.
He sighs. He’s in deep shit.
The two of them just sit on their bikes, unmoving. There’s no topic to bring up, but neither of them wants to go back to their rooms.
Kaito glimpses at her.
“What?”
“Nothing. I’m just waiting for you to say something,” Kaito says.
“I have nothing to say.”
“Fine, then I will,” he says, clearing his throat. “Good job today.”
Zoe laughs. “Thanks, Kaito. I said it a while ago, and I’ll say it again. Thank you. I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of this habit of thanking you. You’re so good to me.”
Kaito reddens and looks away. “No. You said you wanted to do it anyway.”
“But I wouldn’t have done it without you cheering me on.”
He blushes even more. “It was a give-and-take. I couldn’t have performed without you, too.”
“Yeah, because Marie didn’t want to,” she whispers.
“What?”
“Hm?”
“I thought I heard you say something.”
“I didn’t.”
Zoe purses her lips.
He could’ve heard me! Stupid mouth!
“O-Okay. Anyway, it’s getting warm. Wear thinner clothes. We might be unable to ride the bike to school.”
Zoe frowns. “Why?”
“It’s gonna be too hot to ride it under the sun.”
“But I…” she sighs. “I like the bicycle ride home.”
Kaito knows what she means. He also likes their ride home. It has become their special bonding time. A secret moment that only the two of them share.
“I do, too.”
Zoe’s cheeks flame.
“Seasons change.”
“I guess…” Zoe murmurs, straightening her skirt.
“But we don’t have to.”
“Huh?”
“We don’t have to change, I mean. We’ll still go home together,” Kaito says, then he winks at her.
Zoe beams. “You’re right. We don’t have to.”
Following the festivities, the midterms week arrives like a storm. It also signals the beginning of the summer season. Zoe is finally able to wear her regular clothes. She has always liked wearing shorts, tees, and baseball caps. She’s also a sneakers and flip flops person. No more coats and jackets. The downside, however, is that she and Kaito have started taking the bus to and from school. It is quite expensive. She notices Kaito calculating his expenses while they’re on the bus.
Everyone is busy cramming research papers in the library, except for Zoe who had written all the required research papers beforehand. She is the happiest to see them all working in their academic requirements.
She leans back in her chair, eyes roaming the interiors of the library, while her friends are busy typing on their laptops. She suddenly misses reading books. She used to read a lot of fiction in high school, but entering university constrained her into reading academic journal articles. Maybe she should read more and improve her vocabulary.
Zoe has accepted that she wanted to pursue her newfound passion—writing. Every night, since the day of the festival, she has practiced scribbling words and thinking of plots of short stories. So far, she has nothing concrete.
She blows out of her cheeks.
I haven’t even started.
Zoe lowers her eyes on her Japanese textbook and eagerly flips the pages open. She must focus on her second Japanese test first. One at a time.
“Ah, my eyes are so tired,” Taylor whispers in angst. They all look at him. His eyes are bloodshot.
“How many more words do you need?” asks Jesse who is sitting next to him. She chews the tip of her pen.
“200 words,” he grumbles. “Ah. I can’t think of anything else to say. I’ve said what I wanted. Dang it.”
“Just use a thesaurus and paraphrase everything,” Naoki says as he types.
Taylor snorts. “Tsk. Anyway, I’m getting some coffee. Who wants to come with me?”
“I’ll go with you,” Zoe says.
Her butt is already numb from sitting for two hours, so a walk would be nice. The two of them stand up from their chairs and leave.
Kaito silently watches them as they descend the stairs.
“Kaito, you’re so obvious,” Naoki mutters quietly.
He blushes and throws glances at Marie and Jesse. They are still busy writing.
“W-What?”
“It’s just Taylor.”
“I’m worried because it IS Taylor,” he confesses softly. Taylor has a loudmouth and tends to say unnecessary things.
“Then why didn’t you go?”
“Because I have to finish this paper.”
“But you won’t be able to wri
te when you’re worried like that.”
“Ssh!” Marie hisses. “What are you guys whispering about? It’s distracting.”
Naoki and Kaito keep their mouths shut.
Naoki knows. Marie knows. How long will it be ‘til Zoe discovers this?
He balls his fists.
It’s unlikely, but what if Taylor says something?
Taylor and Zoe enter the co-op and go straight to the back of the store. Zoe opens the fridge, her eyes searching for iced coffee.
“I’m getting this,” Taylor says and grabs a certain brand of iced coffee.
“Is that good?”
“It has no sugar. If you like the sweetened ones, pick the other one—” Taylor takes a blue can at the bottom. “—here.”
She takes it from him and says thanks.
Taylor heads next to where the snacks are. He grabs some chips, and the two of them pay at the cashier.
Afterward, they sit on the outdoor chairs near the cafeteria. The room on the first floor of the library where they can eat food has no vacancy. Zoe opens her iced coffee and takes a sip.
“So, how have you been?” Taylor asks. “Anything exciting going on with you?”
Zoe realizes that she’s never had the chance to talk to Taylor alone before.
“I’m okay. Just trying to pass my Japanese exam.”
Taylor winces. “I’ve been staying here for almost a year, but I still have no Japanese skills.”
“You survived anyway.”
“Yeah, thanks to the internet and Kaito,” he answers. He takes a sip on his can. “Kaito’s your first friend too, right?”
Zoe nods.
“Kaito’s also my first friend. We met at the orientation. He speaks Japanese, so he used to take care of everything until we met Naoki. Then Marie.”
“Kaito’s really fond of taking care of people.”
“Yeah. That’s why we call him Onii-chan. He meddles with our lives. But it’s cool. We know he’s just concerned. He does the same with you, right?”
“Yes.”
Zoe doesn’t know what to make of it. She knows this already. But somehow, this time, it draws out a stronger feeling. She feels… Disappointed. Upset that Kaito treats everyone the same way.
Taylor props his chin on his hand. “Anyway, he sort of toned it down after what happened last Winter.”
Zoe narrows her eyes.
What happened last Winter?
“Oh, you don’t know?”
“Know what?” asks Zoe.
“I thought somebody has told you this,” Taylor mutters nonchalantly. “Well, it’s not a big deal.”
“What is it, Taylor?”
Zoe’s heart picks up speed as she clenches her fists in anticipation. Taylor rubs his nape.
“Mm. Kaito and Marie kinda… Had a fling,” he says. “I think he might have led her on.”
Zoe is stunned. She gets flashbacks of all the times she noticed Marie and Kaito being closer to each other like there was something more between them.
Her stomach ties into a knot.
It hurts.
But it shouldn’t, so she tries to fight it. She smiles to conceal her true feelings.
“Is that so…”
“But it didn’t work out, so they’re just friends now,” Taylor adds.
It doesn’t help soothe the jealousy.
Kaito constantly glances at the staircase. Taylor and Zoe haven’t returned yet. He feels an urge to follow them and make an excuse, but he stays on his seat as he finally sees the two of them climbing up.
He immediately notices Zoe’s despondent eyes.
The two of them take their seats without saying anything. They return to their tasks like nothing happened, though Kaito can see that Zoe isn’t herself.
Something happened. Kaito quietly observes Taylor. He’s still the same. His shoulders sag as he types lazily.
Is he overthinking?
No. He can’t be wrong. He knows Zoe better than anyone else. He wonders what Taylor could have said that changed Zoe’s mood.
I mean, I’m not hiding anything anymore. Maybe it’s not about me?
Kaito glances at Zoe, hoping that she’ll also look back at him. He just needs to confirm that it’s not about him. But Zoe just stares at her Japanese textbook, her face wrinkled up.
Then he recalls the thing about Marie.
It isn’t a big deal. And it won’t affect Zoe anyway. It can’t be that.
Once more, he glances at Zoe who now buries her face in her textbook.
It can’t be that.
The group walks out of the library around 6 PM. Everyone is tired and famished, but nobody asks to eat out. They just want to lie down on their beds and doze off.
Meanwhile, Kaito is still concerned about Zoe. She hasn’t said anything at all since she came back with Taylor.
“I’m beat. I still have a report to do,” Naoki groans.
“Same here. I can’t wait ‘til this is over,” Taylor says, yawning.
“Let’s call it a day,” Marie says then shoots a look at him. “Kaito, have you found the article Professor Cordon assigned to us?”
“Yeah,” he replies. “I’ll send it to you later.”
Zoe frets secretly.
They walk to the station. Those who live in Komaba lodge bid goodbye, leaving only Naoki, Kaito, and Zoe.
“So, how’s your Japanese going?” Naoki asks Zoe.
“Oh, it’s alright. I aced my quizzes… But the listening part of the exam is difficult for me. I listen to the CD included in the textbook for practice,” she answers.
Naoki smiles. “That’s good. If you need help you can always ask me. Anyway, I’m going to the other side of the platform now. Take care on your way home.”
“You too,” Kaito says.
“Bye, Naoki.”
Naoki waves goodbye and walks away. Once more, only Kaito and Zoe are left standing in front of the station. Her chest constricts.
She doesn’t know when it started to be awkward like this. It used to be normal. It used to be like they were just regular friends who go home together because they lived in the same dormitory.
Zoe meets his gaze and he smiles. She feels like she is losing her breath. The pang of jealousy and the thought that he might be unconsciously leading her on as well are piercing her heart. And it’s making her miserable.
But she knows it’s not his fault. He’s only been kind to her. It’s her problem.
They pass the ticket gates and wait silently at the platform. Kaito isn’t saying anything, and it’s what Zoe prefers. She doesn’t want to talk. She can’t seem to forget what she heard from Taylor.
They’re just friends now, and even if they aren’t, it doesn’t concern me.
The train arrives. Zoe enters first and is able to sit near the door. There are no other spaces available, so Kaito stands in front of her and grabs a hanging strap.
Zoe stares at her feet. Meanwhile, Kaito stares at her hair.
She’s not even looking at me.
Zoe usually just speaks up when she wants to vent out. He hasn’t heard anything about her relationship with Seth, so he figures that that has been sorted out.
Then what now? It’s obviously about me. But what is it?
He is exasperated.
They reach Kichijoji station. They get off and walk quietly to the bus stop near Don Quijote. Soon, they get on the bus and sit next to each other quietly.
It’s killing him. He glances at Zoe who just looks out the window with a gloomy expression on her face.
He can’t take it anymore.
“Anything bothering you?”
Zoe flinches.
“No, it’s nothing,” she replies briefly. “I’m just tired.”
“O-Okay. It’s just that since you returned with Taylor from the store… You’ve looked… Down.”
She gulps.
“Did something happen?”
“No. Nothing happened.”