by Tanya Mindo
Kaito pinches his lips together but chooses not to push it.
Soon, Zoe presses the button for Shinkawa-dori. They get off together and stroll along the street heading to the dorm.
They stop in front of the dorm’s entrance as usual. Zoe faces Kaito, though unable to maintain eye contact.
“Good night, Kaito.”
“Good night. Good luck tomorrow.”
Zoe doesn’t reply. She turns around and starts walking away from him. Kaito stays and watches her, still baffled at the circumstances.
Zoe hates what she’s feeling. She has to pull herself together. She can’t let her selfishness get in the way of their friendship.
She stops walking and turns to see if Kaito is still there. He is. He raises his eyebrow, surprised to see her looking back at him.
“Kaito!” she calls. “See you tomorrow!”
Kaito blinks twice then replies, “Yeah, see you!”
Zoe smiles at him before turning her back, her face crumpling. She enters the dorm building and strides faster with her jaw clenched. Her steps become quicker.
She’s running away out of frustration that this is something she’ll need to hide from Kaito. He’s someone she trusts, someone who’s listened to her, but she can’t say anything because he’ll know that what happened before is affecting her. And it doesn’t make sense.
She runs away, hoping that she’ll be able to escape from her growing feelings.
But it doesn’t work.
Zoe enters her room, closes the door behind her, and collapses on the floor. She leans on her bed, pressing her head against her knees.
“Not Kaito... It can’t be Kaito.”
Chapter Eighteen
Zoe lies on her bed, contemplating how she is currently dealing with what she learned from Taylor. She acted oddly, and Kaito even noticed how her mood changed since she and Taylor came back from the store. Overall, she’s not doing great in pretending to be okay.
Marie and Kaito have always looked so close. It shouldn’t come as a surprise if they had something going on between them. Taylor said that nothing happened. So why is it even an issue? Why is it pinching her heart?
Besides, she’s the one who recently broke up with a ‘boyfriend’. She’s the one who had strings attached, although Kaito has no idea that it’s over between her and Seth.
And why should I bring it up?
Kaito listened to her when she needed someone. However, she will need to tell him the truth behind their fallout, and letting him know that Seth is gay is not an option.
But really. So what if he doesn’t know?
It’s not like he’ll make a move on me at all. He won’t. Ever. He doesn’t like relationships...
She clicks her tongue.
Then why did he make a move on Marie? Or did he?
Taylor said that ‘he might have led her on’. It was Marie who thought they had something more…
Ah, crap. Why didn’t I ask for more information?
Zoe grunts and kicks her feet in the air. Nothing is making any sense. Then her phone suddenly rings, temporarily distracting her.
Elle is calling her through Skype. She pulls herself up and answers it right away.
“Hey!” Elle says, her tone upbeat.
“Hey! How’s it going?” she asks.
“Oh nothing, I just want to check up on you. And I also have good news!”
“Hm? What is it?”
Elle pulls out two sheets of paper from her bag. She waves it in front of the camera. “Look!”
“What’s that? I can’t…” Zoe squints, moving her face closer to the screen. Then her jaw drops. “Oh my God!”
Elle has printed tickets to Japan.
“I’m visiting you this June. I’ll be there from the 5th of June until the 10th,” Elle says, eyes sparkling.
“This is awesome! I miss you so much!” Zoe exclaims, then she pauses, noticing that there’s another ticket that isn’t Elle’s.
“But why are there two tickets? Who’s coming with you?”
Elle purses her lips. “Well, the thing is... It was a seat sale, so I asked Seth if he wanted to come.”
Zoe feels a knot in her belly, then she turns quiet. She doesn’t know how to react.
“He said yes.”
Zoe gapes. “Really? But... How? Why would he?”
Elle’s chin dips down.
“Well… We made up. We’re sort of talking again. I just thought that you did the right thing by dealing with it head-on. So I also started to hang out with him again. It’s not the same as before, though. We’re taking it slow. But then I saw this seat sale and abruptly asked him. I think he wants to see you, Zoe,” Elle mumbles. “It’s okay... Right?”
Everything is still fresh in her mind, but she doesn’t feel hostile about the idea of Seth coming to see her. They’re done, though she sincerely wants to be friends with him again.
A genuine smile crosses her face.
She sighs, “Yes, of course. I’m just a little shocked. But I am happy that everything’s going well with you guys.”
Elle’s face softens. “Okay, Zoe. That’s good to know. Anyway, what’s up with you?”
Zoe hesitates. Now she’s reminded of what she was thinking about earlier.
She bites her lower lip. “Umm, well… I...”
Elle frowns. “Oh no, what is it? What have you done?”
“I’m so embarrassed.”
“Zoe, what is it?”
“Actually… It’s just that...” She blinks nervously. “I already told you about my Filipino-Japanese friend, Kaito, right?”
“Yes…” Elle replies. “He’s the guy playing the guitar during the festival, right? The one who also lives in the same dorm with you?”
“Yes,” she answers.
“What about him?”
Zoe exhales. She needs to get it out of her system. There’s nobody else to talk to about this.
“I don’t know… Elle. He’s my closest friend here. I like him a lot—”
Elle gasps.
“I don’t mean it that way!” she squeals, blushing. “I mean, it’s because he’s really nice. He looks after all his friends, and he’s a good listener—”
“Oh my God,” Elle utters, eyes wide. Then she laughs.
“What’s funny?”
“You have a crush on him.”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“…”
“N-n-n-n-n-no!” Zoe freaks out. “I… I don’t! It’s just…”
Elle leers at her. It’s pointless. Elle wouldn’t believe her even if she denies it. Her breathing quickens.
“It’s okay, Zoe. I’m not gonna judge you.”
Zoe hangs her head.
“It’s just… I don’t want you to think that he was the reason why I was fine with breaking up with Seth. I mean, he did knock sense into me in some way… But it’s not because I have this… Crush on him. And clearly, it was Seth who wanted to call it quits—”
“Zoe, calm down. I know you. I’m not judging, alright?”
She lifts her gaze. Elle is smiling at her, making her feel at ease.
“I think it’s normal that you develop a crush on him. You’re always together, and duh! The guy’s cute. And he plays music! To be honest, I really thought he was attractive when you showed me the video. Thank God you’re calling dibs now.”
She can’t suppress the smile that escapes her lips. They giggle.
“He is…”
“Anyway, so what about it? Are you worrying about Seth?”
“No, that’s not it,” Zoe says. “Seth wouldn’t mind, would he?”
“Nah,” Elle mutters, giving a dismissive wave. “He’s head over heels with my ex. It makes me feel weird. I’m not jealous or anything like that, though. I love them both. Yeah, yeah, I’m pathetic, I know.”
Zoe shakes her head. “No, you’re great. Amazing.”
Elle grins. Zoe is ecstatic that Elle is recovering.
> “Anyway, back to the topic. So what’s the problem? Do you want to tell him how you feel?”
Zoe’s cheeks redden.
“No, of course not! It’s just a tiny, tiny crush.”
“Really? Tiny?” Elle chuckles. “Then why are we even talking about this?”
She averts her gaze. It’s the same question that she’s been asking herself.
“Look, I’m not gonna confess anything, alright? Kaito’s not into serious relationships, and I just split up with Seth.”
“So what if you just broke up with Seth? He chose to end your relationship. He’s already dating!” Elle responds impatiently, her nostrils flaring. “And what? Kaito’s not into relationships? That’s so cliché! Maybe he’s also gay?”
“He’s not!” Zoe shrieks, in which Elle laughs.
“Anyway, the thing is, I learned that he had a fling last semester with a friend of ours, Marie. They’re only friends now, but Marie is really pretty and smart, and I think they suit each other—”
“You’re insecure? Jealous?”
She rolls her eyes but doesn't contradict Elle. She won’t believe Zoe anyway. Besides, she can’t find another word to describe what she’s feeling. So yes, perhaps she is slightly insecure and jealous.
“You think that since they didn’t work out, you wouldn’t work out as well? Because Kaito ‘is not into relationships’?”
Zoe sighs in defeat.
Elle crosses her arms. “Zoe, they had their reasons why it didn’t work out for them. We don’t know what it is but you’re you, and Marie’s Marie. Besides, why are you bothered like this when you don’t have any plans to date him?”
She blushes again. “I…”
“Do you think he likes you?”
Zoe’s chest constricts.
“That’s the thing. Kaito treats everyone the same way. Taylor, another friend of ours, also said that Kaito ‘might have led Marie on’ last semester. It might be the same for me. Not intentionally, of course. He’s just… Really kind.”
“Why don’t you ask him then?”
Zoe narrows her eyes.
“And then what? Make things awkward between us? I like how we are now. And what am I gonna ask him? ‘Do you like me?’ ‘Are you also leading me on?’ It’s not that easy.”
Elle lets out a deep breath.
“I don’t know what you want, Zoe. We are just going in circles here. If you like how things are now, then why are you stressing out? It’s because you have a crush on him. Then will you do something about it? No, because you like how things are now. But you’re still stressed because you have a crush on him. See? We’re going in circles.”
“Sorry…” Zoe mumbles, her face wrinkling up.
“Zoe, think really, really hard about these feelings that you have for him. Is it just ‘tiny’ like what you’re saying? If yes, then it will fade away. You’re just going through some phase. Maybe it’s because he’s always next to you and he understands you. He’s not like Seth who, as we know, did not give you the space that you needed to breathe. But if that’s not the case, then you must make up your mind. Will you take a risk or not?”
Zoe doesn’t know the answer, so she stays quiet.
“Is he the type of person who’s gonna throw you away because of a tiny crush?”
“No. Kaito isn’t like that.”
And she believes it. She’s only known him for about two months, but she trusts that he is more than that. He treasures his friends, and that includes Zoe. Moreover, Marie is still his friend, which means that he doesn’t care much about crushes and flings.
Ouch.
“Then you can go for it. Or you can also choose to just let it go since you only have like… Two months left?”
The truth hits her suddenly. The end of the exchange program is coming near, and even though they will both return to the same country, things won’t be the same.
Maybe Elle is right. Maybe she can just let it go after all.
She forces a smile. “You know what? You’re right. I’m making a big deal out of this. We only have two months left. This will go away. I need to figure out my life first. I have no time for this.”
“Hey, morning,” she greets Kaito who is standing in front of her dormitory.
They have the same morning class that day. Zoe initially wants to risk being late so she can avoid him. It didn’t turn out as planned because Kaito texted her that he is waiting downstairs.
“Morning,” he greets back, staring at her cautiously.
“What?” she mutters, opening her dark blue umbrella.
The sun is bright and strong today. Zoe can feel the sheens of sweat on her nape. Japan’s summer weather is like her home country’s weather.
“Nothing,” Kaito answers, then he begins to fumble through his backpack. He scowls at himself. “Shoot, I left my umbrella. Is it okay if I just go back to grab it?”
“Let’s just share,” she offers nonchalantly.
Kaito’s lips part. Then Zoe realizes that sharing with Kaito will mean standing too close next to him. Her heart skips a beat, though she keeps a straight face.
“T-The bus stop is nearby anyway. Let’s go,” Zoe stammers and starts walking.
“Wait!”
Kaito tries hard not to brush against her, so half of his body isn’t covered by the umbrella. However, he’s also too tall. He arches his back.
Kaito sighs then takes the umbrella’s handle from Zoe. It startles her as his fingers graze hers.
“I’ll hold the umbrella,” he says with a polite smile.
He notices Zoe’s cheeks turn red and wonders why. Zoe immediately lets go.
“Okay.”
They march toward the bus stop. Kaito still glances at Zoe who gazes forward. It bothers him that he still doesn’t know what happened between her and Taylor. But he can’t poke his nose again. Zoe already denied it.
“So… How are your midterm papers?”
“I’m finished with everything,” she replies.
Kaito nods, mulling over what to say next. They arrive at the bus stop. Kaito hands the umbrella to Zoe. She closes it and puts it into her bag.
He glances at her neck.
“I’m not seeing the necklace anymore.”
She flinches and shifts her weight from her left foot to her right, then she tucks her hair nervously behind her ear. Without looking at him, she answers, “The weather’s too hot.”
Kaito waits for a follow-up explanation, but when she doesn't say more, he presses, “Is that it?”
The bus arrives. The two of them get on and sit on the seats near the door. Zoe takes the window seat as usual.
“Let’s just say that Seth and I are pursuing different paths right now,” Zoe says, careful not to say anything more than necessary.
As for Kaito, that was enough. It lightens his mood, but not enough to be that happy. He is unsure if Zoe is okay about it, so there’s no way he can be completely satisfied. Besides, what’s in it for him? Nothing.
Their phones beep at the same time. Taylor sent a message to the group chat asking if everyone’s down for an after midterm celebration tonight. Jesse asks where, and Taylor answers Shibuya then Shimo-Kitazawa.
“What’s in Shimo-Kitazawa?” Zoe asks, glancing at Kaito who kept his phone after replying with a thumb’s up.
“Karaoke bar. You pay around a thousand yen, and you get unlimited drinks and a chocolate fountain.”
Zoe’s jaw drops, something that Kaito knew would happen. He chuckles to himself.
“Sounds fun. Let’s go!”
“Are you sure? It’s gonna take us all night. You’ll have no sleep at all. Taylor would probably sneak in some booze and get drunk. Again.”
Zoe thinks for a moment. Another first with her new friends.
“Of course, I’m down. Why not?” she replies, briefly forgetting the strange feeling that she’s been harboring toward Kaito. Now she’s only looking forward to going to Karaoke.
“Well it�
�s a school day tomorrow,” Kaito points out.
Right. It’s only Thursday tomorrow.