Hard To Love (Rockin' Country #4)

by Laramie Briscoe

  * * *

  Jared’s knee bounced up and down as he had a seat in the circle next to Shell. This was a meeting that a lot of significant others came to. That was one of the reasons he’d invited her. He wanted her to see they could have a relationship, even with him struggling sometimes. Chances were, he wouldn’t even get an opportunity to speak at this meeting, but he wanted her to listen to the ones who did.

  Just having her near was worth it. Smelling her shampoo and feeling the heat of her next to him energized him in a way he couldn’t explain. He would probably never be able to if someone asked him. She gave him the will to want to live, to want to be better. Even when he’d been in rehab and refused to accept her calls or visits. It had been about him, not about her. He hadn’t been ready to show her that side of him yet, and he hadn’t wanted to scare her away. It was about self-preservation; not punishment.

  “It’s good to have everybody here tonight.”

  Jared’s head snapped to attention as the leader started the group. They went through their normal beginning, reciting sayings and the Serenity Prayer before he opened up the floor. “How’s everybody doing this week?”

  Over to his right, Jared heard the voice of someone.

  “Not great. I’ve had a rough week.” He glanced over, seeing the face of a guy he’d seen in these meetings a lot. This crowd tended to run together in almost every meeting he went to.

  He watched the guy glance over at the woman who sat next to him. “I was having bad cravings, and I pushed her away. We got into a huge argument. I went out and scored, and brought it home.”

  “But he didn’t do it,” the woman was quick to finish, grabbing hold of the man’s hand. “He called me home from work. When I got there he had it laid out on the kitchen counter—perfect rows of white powder—and he was staring at it.”

  “I could taste it,” the guy continued. “I knew the feeling it would give me, and my mouth was watering for it. I wanted to forget everything I was feeling, and I knew doing that one row, that one line, would fix everything.” He reached over and grabbed her hand. “But when I saw her, I knew it wouldn’t. I knew it would set us back. I could see the disappointment in her eyes, and knew if I did that line, this might be the time she wouldn’t come back to me. I needed her, but at the same time, I wanted to push her away.”

  They glanced at each other, both teary-eyed, and Jared knew exactly how the guy felt. Needing someone that much was scary. Pushing them away was the easy thing, pulling them to you and letting them see all your vulnerabilities laid out on your kitchen counter was the hardest thing to do in the world.

  He inhaled deeply when Shell reached over and entwined her fingers with his. His eyes met hers, and he could see the understanding there. Maybe inviting her to this meeting hadn’t been the wrong thing to do after all.

  Chapter Nine

  * * *

  Jared pulled the bike up to the craftsman bungalow that had once belonged to Hannah and now belonged to Shell. He shut the bike off in the driveway, not sure what he should do. They got off—easier this time because she’d figured it out.

  “Thanks for coming with me tonight,” he told her, leaning against the bike. There was no way she’d be inviting him inside, and he was good with that, but he wanted her to know how much this had meant to him.

  “Thanks for inviting me, J.”

  J. She hadn’t called him that in a long time. That had been their thing. No one else had known about it. It made a smile spread across his face, and he wanted to scoop her up in his arms. He didn’t know if he could, he didn’t know if she would appreciate it, if she would even allow it.

  “It’s important for me to have you see what I’ve gone through.” He put his thumb up to his mouth and bit the nail. A nervous gesture he’d picked up when he’d put the drugs down. “I hope after hearing that person’s story tonight, you kind of have a better idea as to why I didn’t want to see you when I was in rehab.”

  “I do.” She nodded. “But that still doesn’t take away the pain and the hurt I felt every time you rejected me. Even if you didn’t mean for it to be a rejection—that’s how I took it. It fucking hurt, J. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out.”

  He wanted to say something but got the impression he shouldn’t. Instead, he let her continue.

  “I wondered what was wrong with me.”

  “Nothing,” he answered immediately. “It was all me, sweetheart. All me.”

  She walked closer to him. “But that’s where you start to question yourself when the person you love doesn’t speak to you, doesn’t even acknowledge your presence. You wonder what the fuck you did to make their feelings change.”

  He was frustrated. Grabbing her by the waist, he stilled her movements, anchoring her in front of him. “None of my fucking feelings changed. I am more in love with you today than I was then, because you haven’t given up on me. You might want to ignore me, and you might want to punish me, but that’s okay. I deserve that.”

  “You do,” she threw back at him. “And what if I did give up on you?”

  “You haven’t, babe, because if you had, you wouldn’t have gone to that meeting with me tonight. You wouldn’t have come to rehearsal with Hannah today, and you sure as fuck wouldn’t be here with me right now.” He took a chance, reaching out to caress her cheek. “I think you want to give up on me, but you can’t, and it pisses you off.”

  She closed her eyes, tilting into the caress. “You hurt me more than any other person in this world ever has. You killed my spirit. I lay in bed crying for days. How is that me, Jared? How is that me?”

  “It’s not you, and I don’t ever want you to get that fucked up over me again.”

  She tried to pull away from him, but his grip on her was strong. Stronger than it had been months ago. He was stronger. “That’s easy for you to say, when you don’t love me nearly as much as I love you.”

  There it was—the accusation she’d wanted to make for months. It slipped out in a moment of anger—like everything did with the two of them. They had to stop this.

  “Aww, baby, is that what you really think?”

  He looked gutted that she’d accused him of that. His face turned into a mask of misery, his eyes showing pain like she’d never seen before.

  “I’m always a secret, Jared. I’ve never met your family.”

  “You have,” he interrupted her. “The guys and Garrett’s parents. They are my family. They’re the ones who matter, and while we’re on the subject, I’ve never met yours either. Hell, you never talk about them.

  “I don’t have any family.” She shrugged. “Hannah is my family, and that’s my choice. Our stories aren’t that different.” She dug into her brain, trying to figure out the way to say what she wanted to. She grasped for words and phrases and finally something came out. “But loving me means that you’ll show me all parts of you, not only the good, but the bad too.”

  “You’ve seen the bad,” he reminded her.

  “Even then, you tried to push me away. Relationships aren’t perfect,” she reminded him. “They are messy and dramatic, while at the same time loving and stable. If you only give me one piece of yourself, you don’t love me like I love you. I give you my flaws and all. You get the bitch, you get the emotional, and you get the whiny brat.”

  He pulled away from her and walked over to her garage where he leaned against the siding, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m scared to give you all of me. What if you realize you don’t love everything that comes with me, and you’re gone? If you’re really and truly gone, then I’m done. I have nothing to live for.”

  There it was, the truth she’d wanted to hear. Admitting that if she left, he wouldn’t be anything—that was the closest he’d come to admitting how he felt about her, ever. She would take it.

  Launching herself into his arms, she grabbed him around the waist and held on tightly, burying her head in his chest. “I love you, Jared, and there is nothing in this word that would
make me leave like that. I saw the worst the night I thought you died. You weren’t breathing.” She cried, tears leaving her eyes for the first time. “Garrett was screaming at you to breath, sticking his fingers down your throat. He was losing it, and the whole time I stood there, telling myself you were dead. I was trying to figure out how I was going to live the rest of my life without you. What was I going to tell EJ about the man his uncle was? How was I going to explain to Hannah or the guys what I’d let you do to yourself?” That confession was ripped from her, her voice pained.

  “No, babe.” He grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to meet him head on. “You didn’t let me do that to myself. There was no way anyone could have stopped me. What happened that night wasn’t your fault, and if you’re carrying that guilt around—stop it now. I’m sorry you’ve felt this way.”

  Suddenly a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. Knowing he didn’t blame her was one of the most freeing things she’d ever felt in her life. She hadn’t realized how heavy that weight was.

  Her voice was strong when she spoke again. “I love you, and I’m going to be here when you need me. I understand you might need to test that out, and you can, but know that I won’t stand for bullshit. You’re gonna be fucking honest with me, because that’s what people who love each other do.”

  “It’s not going to be easy with me,” he warned her, cupping her neck in his hands. “I’m not an easy man to love.”

  She laughed, throwing her head back. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

  His face got serious, and he moved his thumb up to her bottom lip, brushing his rough skin against her smoothness. “I love you. I don’t think you know I love you. I’m gonna prove it to you. I moved here to get out of the craziness of California and to be closer to you. I’m gonna prove it,” he vowed again. “The guys are here so that it’s easier for Hannah and Garrett to live life—we’re doing things we swore we’d never do so that everyone can be happy. I’m gonna prove to you that we can be happy too.”

  Wait, he’d moved here? That she didn’t know, but she didn’t have time to question it as he tilted his head to the side and leaned in, catching her lips with his.

  She moaned as he tilted her head to make room for his. This was something she’d missed more than she could put into words. She’d never had a man before who kissed as good as Jared did. He threw everything he had into it. His body pressed against hers, turning them around so that her back was against the garage. She felt him put his free arm up against the wall, boxing her in. When he shoved his thigh between her legs, she thought she would fucking swoon.

  Jared coaxed her lips open, pushing his tongue slowly against the roof of her mouth, tangling them together. He had to tell himself to slow this down and not make it into more than it was, but he’d missed her. Every single part of him had missed her. Their noses touched, and he pressed her harder into the wall when he felt her hands scramble up his back, pushing his jacket and shirt up with it. Cold air hit his skin, but it was welcome. It jolted and cooled him down.

  Pulling back, both breathing heavily, he broke the kiss before giving her two more light ones.

  His voice was low, strained, as he spoke. “You should go inside.”

  Looking at her, he knew she didn’t want to, but they both recognized that it would be the smart thing to do.

  “When will I see you again?” she asked, a dazed look on her face.

  “Soon. I’ll text you.” The promise was there, and he hoped she took it.

  Nodding, she pulled herself away from the garage and made her way up to the front door. Looking back one last time, she let herself into the house, giving him a wave.

  When she shut the door, Jared couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. Things were going to be okay—for once, he could feel it.

  Chapter Ten

  * * *

  “I’m about to drink my weight in this stuff.”

  Shell giggled as she and Hannah had a seat at a local coffee shop. This meeting wasn’t about business—it was about two friends meeting to catch up on life.

  “Sleepless night?” she asked.

  Hannah nodded. “Garrett knew I was coming with you today, so we made an agreement that I would get up with EJ last night, since he’s gonna have him most of the day today. I plan on this coffee taking at least three to four hours.” She took a sip of her cold concoction, sighing.

  “Motherhood getting to you?” It had been a while since the two of them had met for an afternoon together. Both of their lives had changed—Hannah’s obviously more drastically than Shell’s had, but it was hard for them to get together for anything other than business.

  “I love it,” Hannah started.

  “I hear a but in there.”

  She ducked her head in a way that almost made it seem as if she didn’t want to be truthful. “When we talked about having a child, I don’t think either of us realized the time that takes. I think we realized the work, ya know, but not the time.”

  “What do you mean?” Shell knew she wasn’t the only one with problems, the only one who had things to talk out. They were friends, and that meant being there for each other.

  “It’s not as clear-cut as it once was. It used to be if Garrett and I wanted to go out to dinner, we spent twenty minutes getting ready, and out we went.” She smiled at the memory. “Now, we have to get ourselves and EJ ready. Sometimes we call mom or you to come watch him—that adds more time. Then we have to make sure we have everything he might need or want while we’re out. After that, we have to figure out if it’s a place that’ll frown upon us having a baby with us. It’s a lot to think about.”

  Shell watched her friend, could see there was something else there. Her cheeks were red and she was squirming. Hannah obviously wanted to say something else, but she was either too embarrassed or it was too personal. “What?” Shell asked. “Tell me, or I’m not going to tell you what happened between me and Jared the other night.”

  “Okay, okay. Do you know what else sucks?” She pushed her hair back off her face. “I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this.”

  “Well, you haven’t yet, so get to tellin’.”

  She put her hands up to her face and took a dep breath. “So before we had EJ, we could have sex whenever we felt like it.” She groaned. “Now it’s planned, it’s not spontaneous anymore—for the most part—and sometimes we’re both so tired. I’ve fallen asleep twice during, and Garrett’s fallen asleep once. How awful is that?”

  Shell giggled, putting her hands up to her mouth to hold in the loudest outbursts. “You and Garrett?” she heaved. “Fell asleep??” She threw her head back laughing.

  “You just wait until it’s your turn. EJ may be a perfect baby ninety-five percent of the time, but that other five percent? He’s a hellion. You should hear what Garrett calls him.”

  Shell wiped tears of laughter from her eyes. “Oh, this I gotta hear.”

  She leaned forward like she was going to divulge a huge secret to her friend. “He says EJ is cock-blocking him.”

  Shell dissolved into a fit of giggles again. “Oh Jesus, Hannah. I needed this. Thank you so much!”

  She huffed and leaned back against the chair, folding her arms over her chest. “And these,” she indicated her chest, “are never going to go back to normal.”

  “They will.” Shell reached over and grabbed her friend’s hand. “You’re only a few months out from having him. It’s going to take some time.”

  “Have I mentioned that the three times we’ve fallen asleep are the only times we’ve tried to have sex since I had him? In the beginning, I was scared, because, dude, my incision hurt. I mean it felt like something was ripping me in half if I moved the wrong way.” She shook her head. “Then it was like Garrett was scared he was going to hurt me, or he saw me in a different way. Like I was no longer Hannah, I was Mom now too, and I’ve worried that maybe I’m not as sexy as I used to be. Now, since I’ve had EJ, I know I’m not taking the time to look cute,
and it’s all just ugh!”

  Shell stopped laughing and seriously looked at her friend. “You mean to tell me that EJ is almost three months old—and you guys haven’t done the deed since he was born? Not even on Valentine’s Day?”

  Hannah took a healthy drink of her coffee. “We haven’t. Valentine’s was more us just getting out by ourselves. We hadn’t been out by ourselves together since he was born. Ya know the guys are going to Asia in two weeks. Who’s to say Garrett’s not going to find a happy ending over there?”

  Shell did her best to hold in the snort that threatened to escape. It wasn’t very often that Hannah got this worked up over anything—not anymore. “Okay, here’s what you’re gonna do…” Her brain was already working overtime.

  “Pick a day, any day you want. I’ll come watch EJ for a few hours, because I’m not going to kid myself into thinking you’ll leave him overnight. You go fuck your husband’s brains out. Don’t tell him, just kidnap him.”

  Hannah sighed. “God, I love you. There was no way I could ask my mom to come watch him. She would want to know where I was going, and I just couldn’t tell her.”

  “That’s what friends are for.” Shell waved off the praise. “Besides, I kinda like that kid. He makes me laugh.”

  The smile that lit up Hannah’s face was large. “He is totally a joy to my life, and I’m glad we decided to go ahead and take the step. There’s nothing that warms my heart more than watching Garrett and even Havock with him, but I still want to be Hannah, Garrett’s wife, not Hannah, EJ’s mom. Does that make me awful?”

  “No, it makes you a completely normal person, and I’m honestly glad we’re having this conversation. I’ve always said you need to take care of not only your physical well-being, but your mental too. Garrett is a huge part of that, and you’re not one person—you’re a lot of things to a lot of different people. So thank you for coming and being a friend to me today.”