Purgatorium

by J. H. Carnathan

  Inside the rabbit hole? I think as I begin to recollect the story of Alice in Wonderland. Wait! Not rabbit hole; he must be saying, back to inside the hole of the tree!

  I quickly take off to the stairs, leaving Jehudiel with his crazy thoughts.

  I run up the last set of steps and out of the subway. I hear in the distance a familiar melody. Now that it is 42:02, it only leaves me with a few seconds left.

  I quickly make my way through the park, moving my legs as fast as they can go down the grassy field. Cold air flows out through my lungs, leaving me with a dry taste in my mouth. The polar winds start to brush up against my already shivering face. The arctic wind brushes up against my hair, freezing it over.

  I keep my sights forward as I can feel my eyelashes being iced over. I am just a few feet away from the tree. I look over to see the ground behind me beginning to freeze. I pump my legs harder, giving me further distance from the ground under me that is quickly freezing over.

  I hear the reapers loud screech behind me being drowned out as the music grows louder. I keep spinning my legs, one foot over the other, keeping each step underneath me so as not to be iced over. My glazed-over eyes stay focused on the door. Only a few feet left, almost there, I keep thinking to myself.

  The polar winds grow heavy as if my legs were running under water. I feel my soul burning away any strength I have left for this last push. I dig in deep, busting myself through the forceful wind blockade. The sound of the music from up above grows louder, cascading over the whole park.

  I try to resist and not listen as I look over to the left and right of me to find the frozen grass breaking away like puzzle pieces. Up ahead, I see the tree has now become completely iced over. The door can no longer be seen. I brace myself, keeping my fierce pace straight and on point to where the door was located.

  The layout in front of me all at once begins to break away into puzzle pieces. My frigid body slams right through the layers of the glacial exterior and into the door, shattering it on impact. My eyelids freeze over, sending my visual perception into darkness.

  I open my eyes. I appear to be lying down on a bed, naked and hungover. I don’t hear any music playing. I lift my head up and see that I am back in what appears to be my apartment room. How did I get back here? I wonder. I look to my right and see a different set of pants and a shirt that I never had on, lying on the ground. I suddenly feel like I am observing myself again, not in control. I notice that the main door, leading out to the hallway, is open.

  The thought dissipates as I look at the nightstand and see a hotel Bible and a clock which reads 5:45AM. I roll to the edge of my bed, trying to remember where I am and how I got here. My head is aching as I pull on my pants and shirt.

  As soon as I stand up, my knees start to shake. I’m a bit dizzy as I feel myself fall back on to the nightstand, knocking over the book to the floor. I begin to throw-up on the bedspread. After a few seconds, I stable myself and stand back up, feeling a little better.

  I reach into my pants’ pockets—my money and keys are gone. I walk over to the phone beside the bed. I am about to call down to reception for a taxi when something catches my eye on the bed—a bra. At that moment, I remember what I have done.

  I yell out, “Lisa?!” I peek into the bathroom and find she isn’t there. I look down at my bag on the ground. Reaching down, I see that all my money is gone and has been replaced with a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label whiskey. A sticky note is posted on the side of the liquor bottle reads: ‘Thank you.’

  She must have used me to get to my winnings, I think. What am I going to say to Madi? How is she ever going to forgive me?

  My mind races, trying to remember, thinking of possible excuses. I fall to the floor and lean my head back up against the side of the bed. I uncork the bottle of whiskey and guzzle it halfway down.

  Suddenly, I hear a faint whisper. I regain control of my mind and try to push the evil thoughts away. This isn’t a ‘me and Madi’ memory, I begin to think. My sinful memories must have won out against my happy ones. As glad as I am to still remember, I can’t help but feel saddened by the thought of my evil sins winning over my happiness. The voice begins to grow clearer.

  “Lie,” it whispers.

  This is my demon, I think to myself. It has been hiding from me in plain sight all this time. Whispering to me, making me say things. I won’t let it get to me, not now or ever again!

  “Lie,” the voice says again. I try to push the voice out, not letting it get to me. Not this time, I think again.

  Get out of my head!

  “Lie,” the voice says once more, its voice getting deeper now. I gather up pure thoughts and good memories to form a wall around my mind, leading my demon with nowhere to go but out.

  Suddenly, everything is quiet. I scan the room, seeing nothing out of the ordinary. Then glancing to the far right, I find Jehudiel, standing back to the open door. He turns to me smiling.

  “Not a bicycle built for two type of guy, are ya?” He moves his face in front of mine. I stare at him, noticing a difference in his voice. Almost as if we’re sober.

  Jehudiel? He is my demon, I think with dismay.

  Jehudiel peruses my forehead and uses his finger to poke at it. “Knock knock, in there. You have switched radio frequencies on me. I can’t pick up a thing. You are nothing but…what’s the word? Static!”

  I continue to look at him, keeping my eyelids from not blinking as I notice that even his walk seems elegant, rather than his usual stumbling.

  Jehudiel cocks his head and moves closer to my face. He looks deep into my eyes. “You can see me, can’t you, Alice?”

  I blink my eyes, adjusting back from the state I was just in. I bring my body back up and look at him, feeling betrayed.

  “Now don’t look at me like that.” He grabs a chair and pulls it next to me. He sits and makes himself comfortable. “You’ve heard the saying: Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.” A smug smile comes across his face. “If you have something to say, might as well speak up.”

  I continue to stare at him, knowing that I can’t speak.

  Jehudiel laughs as he scoops up the bottle from my hand. “I told you it was good but let’s share with the class.” He lifts it up, smiling like a schoolgirl, and holds the bottle to my face. “I best be sober for a bit for this. Don’t want to be forgetting anything.” He puts the bottle down on the glass table.

  “And this is it,” he continues. “This moment right here. This is the moment when you decide to take this luscious bottle of whiskey, head downstairs, call a cab, go home, and lie to your wife. And that lie soon would spread like a plague in your mind, your body, and your soul. Which will one day cause you to make one big, humongous wreck! A wreck that could have been prevented if your mind was clear, your heart honest, and your soul clean.”

  He raises the bottle high above me and aims it towards my hands. He lets it go as I assume control of my body. I catch the bottle and grip my fingers tight around the glass structured object. I take the glass rim and hold it tight.

  “Bingo! You have learned how to control your mind and body faster than before. I am impressed. Though there is one thing you still have left to show me—your soul. Go on then, sing me a soulful tune.”

  My fists clench, rage building in me at having been played. I use all my will power to move my hand up. I reach back and swing the bottle towards Jehudiel’s face. It quickly smashes on his hand, as I can see he swiftly deflected it. He takes his other hand and quickly hits my throat. I go down on the bed.

  “Hurts, doesn’t it? Feeling pain in this sort of memory flashback is much different than what you’re used too. Almost takes you back to feeling human again.”

  I try to speak in my frustration but am still not able to convey any words.

  He places his fingers over my mouth. “I can’t hear you! What good is
a tongue if you can’t use it?!” He pinches my tongue. I force my teeth to chomp down on his fingers. He pulls them away, laughing like a madman. He takes out my flask and begins licking his lips.

  “I am just getting my kicks and gigs. I know you can’t speak just yet. The only way you can voice an opinion in the matter is for you to gain custody over your soul. Which requires that you must gain knowledge of your own Christian name. That, Alice, is something you don’t have at this very moment. We need to get you to that finish line. Which entails me teaching and you learning how to defeat the 42:02 problem.”

  Jehudiel looks over at the time: 5:57AM.

  He grabs the clock by the nightstand and slams it down in front of me.

  “At approximately 6:00AM on the dot you must leave this sex driven room. That is the time when you left before and that is what you must do again or fear the burn of the Valkyrie’s lips.”

  I look at Jehudiel impatiently, threateningly. I have had enough waiting and stalling. Jehudiel registers my impatience and continues. “Well then, Alice, let’s not waste anymore time! I will say it two times and that is it. No pressure.” Jehudiel cracks his neck. “But I must warn you, you might get what you came here for, however, you will also leave with a little something more.”

  The clock turns to 5:58AM.

  “Right then! Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it, five in the middle is seen. First of all figures, first of all letters, take up their stations between. Join all together, and then you will bring before you the name of an eminent king.” He stops and says it back again.

  I gather every word he repeats in my head. I close my eyes, trying to concentrate on the riddle. Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it. Five hundred. 500. Five. D. D! The Roman numeral for five hundred is D! Okay, five in the middle is seen—V, another Roman numeral. First of all figures, is 1—Roman numeral I. The first of all letters is A. Take up their stations between. Join all together. So starting with D and ending with D, V in the middle, and the other two are A and I. Then you have the name of an eminent king. King…DAVID!”

  My name is David! I feel triumphant. My name is David, I continue to think but can’t say it aloud. Why can’t I speak? I think, panicking. I look back at the time and watch the 5:58 roll over to 5:59.

  “Aw! Too bad. I really thought you had it there for a second. Saw your lips quivering at least.”

  I sit there stunned. My name is David, I keep repeating in my head. I lose track of time as I stare back to the clock: 6:00AM. Jehudiel takes a lamp from the corner room and walks over to me.

  “Time to count in your chips,” he says holding the bottle over my head. “Bottoms up!” He forces hard liquor down my throat, sending my thoughts and vision into the pitch black void of nothingness.

  I open my eyes, body shaking, room spinning, feeling like I am drunk again. An empty bottle lies next to me. I search the area around me just to find that I am still in the room. The only difference being that’s it now night out. I walk over to the door, open it, and see the door across from mine is room number 6. I look back to the front side of my door to find that mine is room 5, letting me instantly know that I am in Stephanie’s room. No longer am I in my memory or inside the tree.

  I must be back, I register to myself, scanning the hallway for the time. I stumble my way down the hall, looking at the clock at the top of the elevator.

  45 Minutes

  My head is still spinning, making the hallway spin even faster. Drunken thoughts once again enter my head. I can’t seem to take control. Through my drunken haze, I begin to see a pattern start to formulate as I fall into the elevator.

  Gazing around the four mirrored compartment, I take a long look at myself. Waving at myself, I start to chuckle. I need to find composure.

  I hear the elevator doors shut behind me. I keep my eyes to the mirrored walls and not at the painting, thinking it would not help my drunken situation. I press the R button, feeling the elevator shifting upward. I quickly gather my thoughts so as to not lose my head. I look above the R button to find a card slot. Peculiar.

  I slide my finger over it, wondering of its use. My mind gets distracted as my eyes accidentally take a gander at the painting behind me. My head floods with impure thoughts like I knew it would.

  The card game led me to cheating, which undoubtedly led me to this moment in time. Alone, broke, used, and hungover.

  I think back to all the hidden messages that I have seen. Each sin that was written out must have been specific to that destination. I hear a fake coughing noise come from behind me. Turning my head around the four walls, I see in all of the mirrors, myself waving back to me.

  “Matthew 124345. Ring any bells?” he says, looking over to the painting. I look along with him, remembering that the title of the painting was named that.

  It’s a bible verse! Matthew 12:43-45.

  I get out my handbook and, turning to the quoted scripture, begin to read as my mirror image speaks along with my thoughts.

  “When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.”

  I look back at my mirror image, not understanding what he is trying to tell me.

  “Let me tell you about David,” my mirror images say at once. “David’s overconfidence in himself comes with his pride.” My mirror image transforms into Raphael. “Think back to the coffee shop memory where he acted prideful to Madi.” He then transforms into Gabriel. “His eating behaviors when he bottles his emotions lie within his gluttony. In the park, he had an eating disorder because he felt self-conscious of who he was.” He takes on Sealtiel next. “His envy speaks in volumes with his neediness to have something that doesn’t belong to him. The subway love triangle.”

  My knees go weak. Falling to the ground, I glance up to see the fluorescent bulb that hasn’t been turned on yet. Looking back at the mirror, I see his new transformation is Michael.

  “His temper, which has gotten himself more into trouble than out of, is all thanks to his wrath. The office slap.”

  He turns around and becomes Uriel. “His way of going into situations without thinking who it could eventually hurt lies side by side with his lust. The high-rise mistress.”

  He walks along to each mirror as he becomes Barachiel next.

  “His greed of wanting more. The lighthouse restaurant for two. Your sin is the lie you tell yourself every day, that you think you are too good for anything or anyone else. You cheat and lie your way through life because it’s easier than the alternative. You make yourself be lazy. Another word for lazy?”

  He mirrors Jehudiel, waiting for me to understand his cruel point.

  I stand up and quickly press the emergency stop button. The elevator brakes. The black light comes on, revealing the hidden message on the mirror. Without having to look, I knew what it would be.

  Sloth.

  I raise my head towards the word “Sloth.” Watching it bleed down the mirror, I begin to lose focus on who I am.

  “Sloth was his gateway drug to other narcotics. David was a junkie towards sinful behaviors. Addicted and driven to the absolution of the mind.”

  He is back to looking like me as he echoes in my head. “You see, David isn’t responsible for just one of the deadly sins. He is responsible for all of them.”

  I hit the mirror, cracking it. The echoes immediately stop and my mirror image is back to normal.

  No, I think to myself. I stare at the painting, not wanting to understand the undeniable truth. Looking deep into its center, the glowing cross, I have
come to figure out that it’s a self-portrait of me. The seven demons taking hold of me are all my sins.

  Coming to the absolution, I understand it all clearly now. There were never any angels; they were all my demons, my seven deadly sins.

  I slide my body back down feeling sick. The hangover sets in and my head is in a massive amount of pain.

  The latch from above the elevator kicks free, busting the black light bulb in the process. Jehudiel stumbles out like a hot mess with two wine bottles in his hands. “What in the H.E double hockey sticks are you doing?! So this is where you went off too! You owe me my silver, jag off!,” he says with a slur. He looks around the small space, confused at what just went down.

  Crunch!

  He lifts up his foot to see pieces of the black light broken across the floor. “Did you have a rave and forget to invite me?!” he says, handing me a bottle. “The only cure to a hangover, pal.”

  I slap the bottle out of his hand.

  You’re not real. None of you are real. Just demons in my head, making noise. I see you for what you really are, Sloth.

  “Glad to finally meet your acquaintance!” Jehudiel screams with excitement. “I hated faking. Too much to keep up with! Never knew what to say. They even gave me the hardest name to learn. Jehudiel? Who would want a name like that? I mean, really?”

  Jehudiel bends down next to me. “But any who, I am so glad to hear that you loved my work. Don’t get me wrong, without you there would be no me.” He gets closer, whispering, “But let’s keep this a secret between you and I. Let’s not bring the others’ attention towards your new findings. They have been working really hard to make you think that they are angels here to help you. Let’s not spoil it. Okay?”

  I want to yell at him but realize my voice hasn’t come back. My stomach begins to ache as I feel the hangover process is on to its next step.

  “Look we are on the same side as of right now. We both want the same thing. You need to finish the race and I want you to finish it. The only way we differ is by the end of said race, I rather you not wake up. But when that time comes we can handle our grievances towards each other.