Things We Never Say

by Sheila O'Flanagan

  She was smiling to herself, lost in her thoughts and not noticing the people around her, when she heard a familiar voice call her name. She looked up, startled, and saw Cobey Missen standing in front of her, wearing jeans, sneakers and a grey Giants fleece. His trademark Ray-Bans were pushed on to his head.

  ‘How’re you doing, Abbey?’ he asked.

  At first she couldn’t speak. She realised that she was trembling. Shock, she told herself, at seeing him so unexpectedly. Anger at the way he’d left her. And … and – what? A sudden inexplicable desire for him to realise that he was still in love with her.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked finally. ‘I thought you were cruising the Caribbean or something.’

  ‘I was,’ he said. ‘But I discovered it wasn’t my kind of thing. The damn ship was too claustrophobic.’

  ‘I suppose it’s hard to walk out on someone when you’re in the middle of the ocean together,’ said Abbey tartly.

  ‘Don’t be like that, babes,’ said Cobey. ‘I’m sorry. You know I am.’

  ‘You left without a word.’ Her voice was clipped and angry. ‘You borrowed money and you didn’t pay me back. You owed rental even though I’d given it to you. You’re a fraud, Cobey Missen.’

  ‘Hey, I know. And I’m embarrassed about that.’ There was contrition in both his eyes and his voice. ‘I made a big mistake.’

  ‘You could have told me,’ said Abbey. ‘I thought we were a couple. But we weren’t.’

  ‘I panicked,’ Cobey said. ‘I’ll admit it. I was spending more than I was earning. The tour company was going through a slump and my wages were cut. I didn’t want to tell you because I was ashamed.’

  ‘I thought you loved me,’ she said. ‘I thought I loved you. People who love each other share things no matter what.’

  ‘I could still love you and be ashamed to say anything,’ protested Cobey. ‘And that was the case. I needed to get away, clear my head, pay my debts.’

  ‘So you signed up for a cruise?’

  ‘I was working on the ship, not holidaying.’ Cobey smiled ruefully at her and she felt her heart skip a beat. He’d always had a disarming smile. ‘But it wasn’t the great opportunity I thought it was going to be. It was damn hard work, let me tell you. Let me tell you,’ he repeated, ‘over a drink tonight.’

  ‘I’m busy,’ she said.

  ‘Come on, Abbs. One little drink. I’ll explain everything and maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive me.’

  ‘No,’ repeated Abbey, even though she was thinking that perhaps Ellen would like her to show forgiveness.

  ‘One,’ said Cobey again. ‘I’ll meet you at Cantina and buy you a cocktail.’

  ‘I don’t think …’

  ‘Please,’ he said. ‘I want to apologise properly. I know I let you down. Hell, I let myself down.’

  He looked so forlorn standing there in front of her that her resolve weakened. And she said yes.

  In Dublin, the only topic of conversation was the challenge to Fred’s will. Despite the fact that Lisette had urged Gareth to accept Abbey Andersen’s offer (how much better do you want it to be? she’d demanded), Donald had persuaded him that he’d do better by contesting the will.

  ‘You can’t back out now,’ he’d told his brother when Gareth suggested that perhaps Lisette was right and that they should take what they could get. ‘It’s not only about the money.’

  ‘For Lisette it is,’ said Gareth.

  ‘Of course. Because she’s not really family, is she? She married into the Fitzpatricks but she didn’t grow up with us. She doesn’t know what it was like to be a Fitzpatrick. Besides, she’s French. She has different views.’

  ‘She reckons that getting our hands on a definite amount now would be better than holding out for a potentially bigger sum in the future,’ said Gareth. ‘She’s a very practical woman.’

  ‘And I could agree with her if it wasn’t that accepting the will means we also accept Dad’s version of what happened with that Ita Dillon woman.’

  ‘I think what happened was fairly clear,’ said Gareth. ‘She got pregnant. He abandoned her. She died. He felt guilty.’

  ‘How could he even be sure the baby was his?’ demanded Donald. ‘She might have been a slapper sleeping with half the country, for all we know.’

  ‘I doubt Dad would have left money to complete strangers unless he thought she’d told him the truth,’ said Gareth. ‘He must have believed it, otherwise he wouldn’t have felt so guilty.’

  ‘We’re judging his actions then by the standards of today,’ said Donald. ‘So was he. He only did what anyone else would have done. He didn’t need to beat himself up over it. I do understand a certain measure of guilt, but it was over fifty years ago. It pisses me off how everyone today is meant to apologise for things that happened in the past. We need to move on. Get over it.’

  ‘You have a point.’

  ‘Anyway, the biggest point is this. Ellen Connolly was never part of this family. She knows nothing about us. She didn’t try to find out about us. She went off and became a nun. Allowing her and her daughter to have any part of our inheritance is an insult to what being a Fitzpatrick is all about.’

  ‘So it’s more about the family than the money?’ Gareth looked at his brother in confusion.

  ‘It’s both. Money puts a value on everything. Being a Fitzpatrick is the most important thing. Giving this woman and her daughter half of everything – well, it’s too much of an insult. Quite honestly, I believe that giving them anything at all is an insult to Mam.’

  ‘I agree as far as Mam’s memory is concerned,’ said Gareth. ‘Though financially—’

  ‘I know both of us have financial reasons for wanting this over quickly,’ Donald said. ‘But we have to put them to one side while we work for what’s right. It’ll be worth it in the end, I promise you.’

  ‘Yes, but—’

  ‘Trust me,’ Donald told his brother. ‘I’m the eldest. I know what I’m doing.’

  Gareth wanted to believe him. But he was still racked with doubts.

  ‘I know what Donald’s saying, but I don’t think the courts will take the same view of the whole family thing. All they’ll do is look at the money.’ Zoey Fitzpatrick was sitting in Fred’s kitchen with Lisette. The two of them had taken to meeting each other there on a regular basis and, much to their surprise, were enjoying the mutual moral support that talking about their situation gave. Neither of them mentioned the meetings to their husbands and naturally both kept secret the fact that they had dipped into Fred’s secret cash hoard on a further two occasions. Of the original thirty thousand, ten now remained.

  Lisette had managed to put her guilt behind her about taking the money. She’d used the first chunk to clear all of their outstanding utility bills, buy some new shoes for the children, get the boiler and her car serviced, pay off her credit card and have a facial at the local beauty salon, something that she’d once loved but had stopped doing since money had got tight. She’d also bought a few jars of her favourite Clarins products, which she’d been substituting with supermarket alternatives. No matter how much some people insisted that cheaper creams were equally effective, Lisette yearned for the luxury of the ones she’d grown to love.

  She hadn’t spent all of the cash, but knowing that it was safely tucked away in a pair of thick grey socks in the bottom drawer of her dresser gave her a sense of security. Fred’s money had given her back a little piece of herself, she thought, and even though she still broke out in a rash of guilt every time she thought about taking it, she managed to push it to one side. Gareth had noticed that the bills had been paid, and she’d explained it by saying that she was giving extra grinds to students most afternoons. He was so relieved at seeing some of their outstanding debts disappear that he didn’t question her any further, even though he should have known that she’d never have made enough giving private tuition to have paid off so many outstanding bills. This time his lack of financial savvy w
as working to her advantage. It was also fortunate that he wasn’t the kind of man ever to notice what beauty products she used, because otherwise he’d definitely ask questions she didn’t want to answer.

  Zoey was using the money to keep herself in the style she was accustomed to without charging Donald’s credit card. He’d noticed the apparent decrease in her spending and had thanked her for cutting back in what was a difficult time, although, he added, she could go on a total spree when they won the challenge. Zoey congratulated herself on how she’d used Fred’s money to concentrate on visits to her hairdresser and the beauty salon rather than buying clothes. Clothes were important, but how you looked mattered even more, and Zoey knew that she would never compromise on that. Besides, whereas Donald expected her to look great all the time, he didn’t notice every salon trip in the way he noticed new clothes or shoes.

  ‘Disgruntled Deirdre was on the phone again,’ she added as she sipped her coffee (she’d bought ground beans for the cafetière on the basis that the instant muck in Fred’s cupboard was undrinkable). ‘She was banging on at Don about how she wanted her goddam money and that it was his fault that probate was delayed.’

  ‘It is Donald’s fault,’ said Lisette. ‘If it wasn’t for him, I could make Gareth accept the offer from the Americans. Suzanne would be delighted that the will had finally gone to probate, and even though it’s not enough for us, it would still help a lot. Are you sure you can’t persuade him, Zoey?’

  Zoey shook her head. ‘He won’t listen to me. It’s a crusade as far as he’s concerned. He feels he’s been usurped as the head of the family, partly because Fred did this without talking to him first and partly because Abbey’s mother is actually his older sister. Or half-sister, I suppose. Donald’s always been the eldest. It really, really bothers him that she was born before him.’

  ‘Well, his obsession is racking up more bills for the rest of us!’ Lisette looked worried. ‘I keep thinking of what you said. Fifty thousand a day when it gets to court. That’s insane!’ She took another biscuit from the pack. She was comfort eating whenever she was with Zoey, but she wasn’t putting on any weight because at home she was unable to eat a thing. ‘Why won’t they make another offer to her?’

  ‘I asked Don to do that,’ said Zoey. ‘But he said that there was no point. That he wasn’t getting into horse-trading and that it was a matter of principle.’

  ‘What’s the point in having principles if we don’t have any money at the end of it?’

  ‘Don will work something out. He always does, no matter how bad it looks. You think he’s down and out and then – boom! He comes up with something. Anyway, this whole thing – who’s the eldest in the family, how they’re all treated – well, it matters a lot to him.’

  ‘Everyone in this family has their own agenda,’ muttered Lisette. ‘I thought that Fred dying might bring us all closer, but we’re as far apart as ever.’

  ‘It’s brought you and me closer.’ Zoey drained her coffee and rinsed the cup beneath the tap. ‘C’mon. We have work to do.’

  Lisette slid slowly off the stool. In addition to raiding Fred’s cash, she and Zoey had decided that it was only right for them to take pieces of what had legitimately been left to them just in case things went badly in court and Abbey ended up with everything. They were choosing small items that wouldn’t be missed. Lisette had already taken the silver snuff box and a small silver photo frame, while Zoey had chosen an emerald ring and matching earrings which she’d sold for a few hundred euros. Not that she’d needed the cash there and then; she’d just wanted to see what it was like to do it. Lisette hadn’t sold the snuff box or the photo frame. She didn’t think she’d get much for them in any event. They were both in the bottom drawer of her bedside locker. Like the money, it comforted her to know that they were there.

  Standing in the crowded cocktail bar, a favourite haunt of theirs in the past, Abbey listened as Cobey explained again how his finances had spiralled out of control and how the savage pay cuts at the tour company had made things worse. He’d hoped, he said, to resolve everything without telling her, to get his own tour company up and running and to make a lot of money. But things hadn’t worked out that way, and when the cruise ship opportunity came along, he’d jumped at it.

  ‘I needed to get away for a bit and clear my head,’ he told her.

  ‘You should have said something to me. You took my money and then walked out!’ She was still angry.

  ‘I made a mistake. I’m sorry.’

  ‘And now?’ she asked. ‘Where are you living now?’

  ‘With Mike.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘I called to the apartment,’ he told her. ‘I thought you might be still there.’

  ‘How could I be? You were served with a notice to quit – which you didn’t even tell me about.’

  ‘I’m so, so sorry,’ repeated Cobey. ‘I never meant to put you in that position.’

  But what did he think would happen when he walked out? she wondered. That the landlord would forget about the unpaid rent? Cobey knew better than that.

  ‘I know I owe you money,’ he said. ‘I’ll sort that out. But in the meantime …’ He opened his wallet and took out some bills. ‘Here’s five hundred dollars.’

  She hadn’t been expecting that.

  ‘I pay my debts,’ said Cobey.

  She didn’t need his money now. Soon she’d have more than enough of her own.

  ‘Take it,’ said Cobey.

  He owed her, though. And maybe he’d be insulted if she refused. So she took the money and put it into her purse.

  ‘Good. That’s done. We’re back on a more equal footing. Let’s talk about something else for a while.’ Cobey looked at her hopefully.

  She hadn’t thought she’d ever speak to him again. Yet he was truly remorseful, he’d repaid her some money, and she couldn’t help feeling sorry for him. Anyone could make a mistake. Besides, her mother’s oft-spoken words about forgiveness and understanding were echoing in her head. If she couldn’t forgive the man she’d once loved, then how could she possibly forgive other people? So she allowed him to buy her another five-spice margarita, which she drank while he told her stories about his life on the cruise ship and she felt her anger with him melt away. She’d forgotten how much he made her laugh. She’d forgotten how much she’d loved him.

  ‘So what about you?’ he asked as he ordered their fourth cocktail of the night. ‘What have you been doing?’

  Not drinking like this, she thought, her head woozy from alcohol and lack of food. I only ever drink this much when I’m with you.

  ‘I heard,’ he continued, ‘that you’d been to Ireland.’

  ‘Who told you that?’ She drained her glass and put it on the bar counter.

  ‘Someone saw it on your Facebook page,’ he said vaguely. ‘Something about tracing your roots.’

  ‘Oh, that.’

  ‘Or maybe it was on someone else’s page,’ said Cobey. ‘Is it true that your grandmother left you a fortune?’

  He must have seen the jokey comments, she thought. But she’d defriended him, hadn’t she? Though maybe they still had a joint friend somewhere. Bloody privacy settings, she thought. I never get it right.

  ‘Grandfather,’ she told him. ‘And not exactly.’

  ‘But you were left something?’

  ‘Mmm.’ This wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have. ‘Maybe. It’s a bit confusing at the moment.’

  ‘Why?’ asked Cobey.

  ‘Oh, I was left a share in a house, but some of the family don’t think I should have it, so there’s a bit of a row going on.’

  ‘Hopefully it’ll all work out and you’ll get what’s yours,’ said Cobey. ‘A house in Ireland sounds great. Is it one of those cute little cottages?’

  ‘No,’ said Abbey. ‘A proper house. But—’

  ‘How much is it worth?’ asked Cobey.

  ‘I …’

  ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘None of my business
. It would be nice for you to have something, that’s all. You deserve good things, Abbey.’

  People were saying that all the time. But it was strange to hear it from Cobey, after what he’d done. Now he was back again, she thought suddenly, and he’d heard about her inheritance. That was a coincidence. Wasn’t it?

  ‘I might not get anything at all,’ she said.

  ‘Let’s hope you do.’ Cobey handed her a freshly mixed margarita. ‘But in the meantime – here’s something else nice for you. Cheers.’

  ‘I’m going to have a dreadful hangover in the morning,’ she said. But she raised the glass all the same.

  Chapter 32

  Vanessa was horrified when she heard that Abbey had gone to a bar with Cobey.

  ‘You what?’ she exclaimed. She’d called around to Abbey’s apartment and the two of them were sitting in the living room. Vanessa was drinking coffee. Abbey was trying to rehydrate after the cocktails with an isotonic drink. ‘Are you nuts? Can I remind you that he cheated on you big time?’

  ‘I think cheating on a person means seeing someone else. Cheating a person is different.’

  ‘Now’s not the time to be splitting hairs grammatically,’ retorted Vanessa. ‘Now’s the time to cut that guy out of your life for ever.’

  ‘He deserved a chance to explain. I wanted him to explain,’ said Abbey.

  ‘And after his explanation I hope you kicked his butt to the sidewalk.’

  ‘I understood a bit more.’

  ‘What’s to understand?’ Vanessa looked at her in horror. ‘He’s a cheat and a loser and you can’t possibly be thinking of letting him into your life again.’