Full Circle

by Lynne, Donya

  Mark had never known. And from her body language and the way her words cracked with emotion, she’d been suffering almost as badly as he had all these years, only differently.

  Guilt could be a miserable mistress.

  “Carol . . .” He wanted to reach for her hand but didn’t. “They kept you on at the studio because they love you, not because they wanted to torture you. My mom still thinks of you as the daughter she never had. You have to know that.”

  She sniffled. “I know.” She dabbed at the corners of her eyes again. “But for years, I’ve listened to them worry over you, knowing I was to blame. And I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t take back what I’d done or make it better.”

  “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

  She let out a sarcastic laugh. “Do you want to know how many times I wanted to? How many times I tried and almost picked up the phone to call you?”

  He shook his head, numb. They’d both suffered so long, neither of them able to get out of their own way long enough to fix their situation.

  She snorted out a self-abasing huff. “But really, Mark? Would you have listened? Look at the way you reacted every time you saw me. You looked at me like I was diseased.”

  “Carol, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way.”

  Her delicate eyebrows scrunched together. “And then you moved to Indiana last year to be with . . . Karma, is it? I think that’s her name, right?”

  “Yes.” Just the mention of Karma’s name brought a smile to his face.

  “I thought it was all over. That I could finally let go of all the guilt and shame I’d been carrying around. But then we bumped into each other last weekend, and I knew it wasn’t over, yet. I knew you still hated me, and I still felt all the guilt, and—”

  “I don’t hate you, Carol.” He leaned forward and placed his hand over hers on her lap. “And you don’t have to feel guilty, anymore.” Seeing her so torn up felt all wrong, maybe because he’d shouldered so much of the blame and couldn’t wrap his mind around her taking it away from him.

  She took a shuddering breath, blew it out, and bowed her head as tears fell from her eyes. “I’m sorry for what I did to you, Mark. So unbelievably sorry.”

  A weight lifted off Mark’s heart as he wrapped his fingers around hers. “I’m sorry, too, for my part in all this. I never listened to you. I stormed into a future without taking you into consideration. I planned our whole life without asking for your input. No wonder you left. I didn’t let you have an equal say.”

  She shook her head. “No, Mark. What I did was wrong. I never should have let things go as far as they did.”

  “I pushed you away. You didn’t know how to tell me it was over, because, like you said, would I have really listened?” He’d been so one-track-minded back then—in a lot of ways, he still was—he wasn’t sure he would have listened had Carol tried to tell him she didn’t love him. He was the kind of man who listened more to actions than words, and Carol knew that. Sure, she probably could have communicated her actions sooner than on their wedding day, but she probably hadn’t known how. “You were young, Carol. We both were. We both made mistakes.”

  “But I ruined your life.” She dabbed at the corners of her eyes again. She’d always been an elegant crier. “I’m not so out of touch that I don’t see what I did to you . . . that I don’t know how my actions affected you.” She sniffled and placed her hand back in her lap. “I was beginning to think you would never allow yourself to fall in love again, Mark.”

  He hung his head. Guilty.

  “Yeah, me, too.” Where was his sweet Karma now? He met Carol’s gaze again as he released her hand. “But that’s why I’m here.” He dug inside his pocket and pulled out the rings and the necklace then placed them on the small, round coffee table.

  “What’s this?” Her blond, daintily arched eyebrows crinkled.

  “Our wedding rings and the gift I was going to give you on our honeymoon.”

  “Mark . . .” She held up her hand and gave a tight shake of her head.

  “I need you to take them.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s time for me to let go of the past so I can have a future with Karma. I can’t do that when I’m still holding on to what happened and letting it control me.”

  The rings and the necklace were symbolic. They represented who he’d let himself become. They also represented his fierce desire to maintain control. It was time to be reckless again. Spontaneous. Time to let go and let someone—or something—else control his destiny. Time to loosen his grip on every aspect of his life and put it in Karma’s hands.

  “I don’t want them, Mark.”

  He pushed them closer. “Then sell them and donate the money . . . or put it in a trust for your baby.” She’d had a baby last year, right? She could use the money for her child’s future.

  She studied his face for a long time. Then she turned her gaze to the jewelry. “Are you sure?”

  “Carol, these items have been sitting in a chest on my dresser for eight years. They weren’t made to be boxed up. Let someone else give them new life.”

  After a brief hesitation, she finally said, “Okay. If it will make you happy, I’ll sell them and put the money away for Krissy’s future. I can do that.”

  “Krissy?”

  She smiled. “My daughter.”

  He’d never heard whether Carol’s baby was a boy or a girl. “You had a daughter?”

  She nodded. “You want to meet her?”

  They were over. He and Carol were finally done. He finally had the closure he should have sought eight years ago, and the lightness in his soul confirmed it. All it took was the two of them sitting down like adults and talking things out. For him to see her as human again. To see that she’d been hurting as much as he had all these years. For them both to say they were sorry.

  “I’d love to meet her,” he said.

  She stood and held out her hand. He took it and stood. A moment later, she stepped into him and hugged him. “I’m so happy for you, Mark. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to unburden myself.”

  He couldn’t believe he was hugging his ex and not having a panic attack. That he wasn’t on the verge of throwing up his breakfast. He hadn’t even been able to eat all his lunch at Rob and Holly’s earlier, for fear he’d only revisit it once he got here.

  “And thank you for hearing me out,” he said. “And thank you for taking the rings.” He released her, shaking his head with a bewildered huff. “Why didn’t we do this years ago?”

  “Because you weren’t ready.” She stepped back and ran the fingers of her free hand up and down his arm. “And maybe I wasn’t, either. But we’re both ready now, especially you. You’ve finally found the woman you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with, Mark, and that can be a highly motivating thing.”

  He couldn’t argue with her there.

  If he’d known that talking to Carol would result in such a freeing sensation, as if he’d eradicated all the dark matter in the universe to allow in only the light, he would have done it a long time ago. But that’s the problem with fear. It suffocates you. It shackles your ability to function, reason, and see the path that’s sitting right in front of you. It’s the snake that coils around your throat, choking you, squeezing until there’s no life left.

  But all that was gone now. He could breathe again. Really breathe. And for the first time in nine years, his future was crystal clear. No shadows darkened the edges of his mind. No fog obscured the view. All he saw was Karma standing beside him, in a white dress, holding his hands, taking vows to be his to love and cherish above all others for the rest of her life. And for once, the vision filled him with happiness, hope, and elation. Not panic. Not fear. Just enthusiastic anticipation.

  Antonio quietly entered the room, holding two glasses of red wine, one of which he held toward Mark. He took it with a nod of thanks. “How’s everything going in here?” Clearly, he�
��d been keeping tabs on the conversation from his hidden vantage point.

  Carol slid her arm around his waist and took the wine he offered her. “Great. Everything’s just . . . perfect.” She blinked back happy tears as she nodded at Mark. “I think we’re going to be okay, aren’t we?”

  Mark looked from her to Antonio and back again. “Yeah, I think we will.”

  Carol nudged Antonio toward the doorway. “Come on. Mark wants to meet Krissy.”

  “She’s in the kitchen, in her high chair, slobbering on a piece of bread.” Antonio took Carol’s hand and led her out.

  As they made their way down the hall, Antonio exchanged a questioning, intimate glance with Carol. Her smile widened, and she nodded once. Then he said over his shoulder, “Mark, would you like to stay for dinner? We’ve got plenty.”

  Why did he get the feeling that he and Carol had planned all along to invite him to stay if things went well?

  “I shouldn’t impose—”

  Carol touched his arm. “Please. Stay. It would make me feel better, and we can talk a little more. The three of us.”

  Mark glanced from Carol to Antonio, who nodded. “Yes, please stay,” he said. “I feel like I owe you—”

  Mark held up his hand. “You don’t owe me anything, Antonio. It’s me who owes you an apology.”

  Antonio appeared to have shouldered a heavy burden, as well, for his contribution to what had happened eight years ago.

  “And yet I feel like I’m the one who needs to apologize.”

  “Let’s call it even. The past is the past. Carol ended up with the right man.” Mark grinned. “And I ended up with the right woman.”

  Understanding crossed Antonio’s face as they entered the kitchen. “We’re even then. I can do that.”

  “On second thought,” Mark said, his grin widening. “You do owe me one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “A chance to win my ten thousand dollars back.”

  Chapter 35

  A woman can't be alone. She needs a man. A man and a woman support and strengthen each other. She just can't do it by herself.

  -Marilyn Monroe

  Karma sat across from Lisa on the couch in her parents’ living room. She still hadn’t heard from Mark. She wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or bad. On one hand, if he wasn’t calling her, he could be busy unknotting his past and tossing it out. On the other, he could just be giving her the space she said she wanted.

  “How are you holding up?” Lisa said.

  “About as well as I can be.”

  “At least your dad has finally come around.” Lisa and her glass-half-full optimism always knew how to make the best of every situation.

  “True.”

  Her dad had finally accepted Mark, more or less. She couldn’t expect him to be all lovey-dovey right out of the gate, but at least her dad no longer cursed Mark’s name and was ready to welcome him into the family. The only problem was, what if Mark could never move forward? What if he couldn’t get past Carol’s duplicity and would always hold back a piece of himself? Could Karma live with that? Could she accept him if he never fully got over his fear of commitment? Other than that, he was perfect in every way. Charming, sexy, affectionate. It was only when he had to face his past that he locked down and became a stranger.

  But she wanted all of him, not just the best parts. She didn’t want to always be thinking that at any moment he could have a meltdown or withdraw from her. That something would spark a painful memory and drag him into a pit of despair where she couldn’t reach him.

  Then again, she loved him. As such, shouldn’t she accept the bad with the good? To support him when he suffered, and to be waiting for him once he reemerged from his dark moments and once more became the man she had fallen in love with?

  She could drive herself crazy thinking about this, because her thoughts kept swirling in one long, vicious circle.

  “You know, things could be a lot worse, Karma.” Lisa curled her socked feet under her and leaned her head on her hand, which was propped on her elbow against the back of the couch.

  “I know.” She hugged the throw pillow she was holding more snugly against her tummy.

  She and Lisa had gone around and around, trying to follow her wicked line of thinking about just how much shit she should accept.

  Lisa tilted her head to one side. “The vows do say for better or for worse, in good times and in bad.”

  “That’s if we can even make it to the wedding. Mark is so terrified that I’m going to leave him at the altar the way Carol did that he can’t even set a date.”

  “Then you set one. Take control.”

  “But I want him to be a part of it. I want him to want this as much as I do and to have a say.”

  Lisa leaned toward her and touched her knee. “I know you do. Every woman wants her future husband to participate. But maybe Mark just can’t. Maybe you’ll just need to do this for him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you, that he doesn’t love you, or that he doesn’t want to spend his life with you. I mean, like I told you last night, everyone can see how much he loves you, Karma.”

  Karma sighed and laid her head back on the arm of the couch. She didn’t want to plan their wedding without him, but maybe that was the compromise she would have to make if she really wanted this to work. After all, weren’t relationships all about compromise?

  “Maybe he’ll get his head out of his ass while I’m gone,” she said. “Maybe I’ll go home, and he’ll have miraculously moved on and be ready to get married next week.”

  “I wouldn’t hold my breath.”

  “Gee, thanks. And here I thought you were the optimistic one.”

  “I am, but I’m also a realist.” Lisa sat forward. “Hon, maybe you’re expecting too much from him. Maybe you should be happy with what you’ve got. Most women would kill to have a man who adores them the way Mark does you. You do not have to worry about his eye wandering. Mark isn’t even the slightest bit interested in anyone else. He only has eyes for you, even if he has been a lug-head lately.”

  “I don’t know, I—”

  Her mom’s scream cut her off. In an instant, both she and Lisa were off the couch, rushing toward the kitchen. When Karma flew around the corner, she found her dad writhing on the floor, his hand gripping his chest. Mom was holding him up.

  “Oh my God! What happened?”

  “I don’t know! He was complaining of indigestion, and a few minutes later, he collapsed!” Her mom shot pleading, terrified eyes toward her as her dad grunted through what sounded like an enormous amount of pain.

  “Heart attack,” Lisa said beside her.

  Without thinking, Karma snatched the phone off the counter and dialed nine-one-one.

  “Nine-one-one, what’s your emergency?”

  “My dad is having a heart attack. We need an ambulance.” She rattled off their address.

  She stayed on the line with the nine-one-one operator, relaying information as her dad’s condition deteriorated.

  On the outside, she forced herself to keep it together as the operator told her help was on the way, but on the inside, she was falling apart. Was she going to lose her dad today? Was he going to die and never walk her down the aisle? Now that he’d finally accepted Mark, was he never going to be able to give his official blessing? Never be there to meet his grandchildren? Never go fishing with her again or do all the millions of little things that made her Daddy’s little girl?

  The train of chaos in her subconscious could have sent her into an emotional and nervous breakdown if not for the need to remain calm and get help. Her mom was disintegrating into an emotional mess. Dad couldn’t help himself. Lisa was—

  Lisa!

  She spun around. “Call Johnny. He needs to know. His number is in my contacts on my phone.”

  Lisa shot out of the kitchen and returned a minute later, her phone to her ear.

  Sirens rang out in the distance, and Karma hurried to the front door, throwing
it open and running into the front yard to flag them down.

  Once the ambulance arrived, time flashed, everything happening faster than she could track. The EMTs rushed inside, strapped her dad onto a gurney, busily attended to him in a flurry of activity, and then hurried him into the ambulance. The sirens turned back on, and with the neighbors gawking from their yards, the EMTs whisked him away.

  Mom was delirious with worry, crying, pacing, frantic to get to the hospital.

  “I’ll drive,” Lisa said as Karma locked up the house.

  “Good, because I’m not sure I can drive right now.” Now that her dad was in the hands of the doctors, she was unraveling fast.

  That was her dad. Her hero. The first love of her life. She couldn’t lose him. Not like this. Not today. Not ever.

  Tears streaked her cheeks as she bustled her mom into Lisa’s car and hopped into the passenger seat.

  She needed her fiancé. Her future husband. Her rock. Because right now she wasn’t sure she could stand on her own without falling right back over.

  Giada’s words from the night the two talked in Mark’s childhood bedroom came back to her. Mark is your strength. You are his purpose. Together, you build something strong that can weather any storm.

  She finally understood. She got it now. Mark was her foundation, and she was his reason for being. They needed each other. Everything else was inconsequential. What was marriage but a symbolic ritual to show the public that two people who loved each other had chosen to spend their lives together? The choice had already been made. She and Mark had already chosen one another. Was a wedding more important than that? Was a wedding necessary to make their love for one another stronger than it already was?

  All marriage did was make an already committed relationship legal in the eyes of the government. She and Mark could just as easily take that step without holding a grand event where a few hundred people gathered to witness their vows. They could just go to a Justice of the Peace and not dither around with making plans for a gargantuan, intimidating affair that would upset Mark.