Shy Kinda Love

by Deanna Eshler

  With that, Adrian lunges forward, wrapping his arms around her neck. “I’m pretty sure I just fell in love with you. I’m not going to propose just yet, but in the meantime, don’t agree to marry anyone else.”

  Keegan reaches up and pulls his arms off her, then looks at me directly. “Can you please tell me what I’m missing?”

  I finally blink, hoping I don’t miss a second of this shitshow occurring right here in my kitchen. “You blew a circuit, Keegan. I’m guessing when you did all of this toaster-cleaning you left it plugged in?” I ask, taking a wild shot in the dark.

  Keegan lifts both her hands and gives me the “of course” look.

  I clear my throat, trying not to laugh. “Well, you see, when you stick a knife into a toaster it’s like sticking a metal object into an outlet. There are bare wires inside the toaster,” I try to explain. “You’re lucky you didn’t electrocute yourself.”

  “Really,” she asks, tilting her head to one side as if considering my information.

  I shake my head and continue, “I’ll go down and fix it.”

  I feel Kade come up beside me then he places a hand on my back. “I’ll get it, Filly. Don’t worry about it.”

  I walk over to the junk drawer and pull out the flashlight then turn back to Kade. “No, really, I got this. I am very capable of fixing a circuit.”

  When I lived with Ryder I made him show me whenever he would work on something, whether it was a broken toilet, hooking up a cable to the TV, or anything with electricity. I wanted to learn everything, so I would never have to depend on anyone.

  “I’ll just go down with you then,” Kade concedes. As we walk down the stairs, Kade adds, “You surprise me every day.”

  I ignore the comment, unsure if that’s a good thing. We get down the steps and I head to the corner where the circuit box is located. I can feel Kade right behind me, so close the heat from his body is pressing against mine. I reach out for the string of the light bulb and, thankfully, locate it quickly.

  Once the light is on I go straight to the breaker box. As I’m testing all the circuits Kade leans in behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder and placing one hand on the wall next to box. Feeling his breath on my ear, all I can focus on is how close his mouth is to that ear. I have to exert control over every muscle in my body to keep myself from pressing closer to that mouth. If I could just lean half an inch toward that mouth—

  “Is something wrong, Shy?” Kade asks, mouth still right at my ear.

  I can hear the smile in his voice so I know he’s teasing me. He knows exactly what his position is doing to me, without having to see my face. Damn him and his evil mind reading skills.

  “Do you want me to check that out?” he asks, giving a little nod toward the breaker box.

  I shake my head gently, not just to answer him but also to clear away the fog he’s creating. I test the rest of the circuits and find the problem. After resetting the blown circuit I drop my hand and take in a shallow breath. Kade practically has me caged against the wall, so when I turn we are face-to-face and chest-to-chest. His arm is still braced against the wall behind me, and his eyes are staring at my lips. I pull my bottom lip in, and catch it between my teeth. Immediately Kade’s eyes dart up to mine, and he leans in a fraction more, bringing our chests even closer. I can feel every rise and fall of his chest as he struggles to regulate his own breathing.

  I have to admit, it feels good knowing that I affect him like this, even though I have no idea what to do with him now. I have all of this gorgeous, amazing body practically pressed against me, but my brain is at war. Part of it is telling me to lean in just that last half-inch and devour his mouth, but the other is reminding me what happened the last time a guy’s mouth was on mine. With that memory my instinct to run takes over and I raise a hand to push Kade away, but as my hand touches his chest, he places his own hand over mine. He pulls my hand across his chest, placing it on his left pec, over his heart.

  Unconsciously my eyes fall to see where our hands are joined. I feel as though my hand is vibrating as the thundering of his heart gives chase to the rise and fall of his chest. My own heart joins the chase, frantic to match the pace of the heart under my hand. I lift my eyes back up to meet Kade’s, and I gasp involuntarily.

  There is no more humor or teasing in his eyes, just intense hunger. The intensity of the moment both terrifies me and brings to life something in me that I have never felt. The race of my heart, the quickness of my breathing, my inability to think of anything but his lips claiming mine—all of this new. From the books I’ve read and movies I’ve seen, I’m pretty certain what I’m feeling is desire, but I have never felt it, so I can’t be certain. Through all of my thoughts—and I’m sure all my thoughts are right there on my face for Kade to read—he never says a word. He never leans in that last fraction. Kade just waits, waits for me to decide what happens next.

  I lick my lips, preparing to say something, to tell him I need to move, when I hear footsteps at the top of the stairs.

  “Shyanne Adams, you better not be down there checking out my stash. That is my shit, not shit for you to show the boys so they can have another good laugh,” Keegan yells down to me.

  Kade lets out a breath, closes his eyes, and leans his forehead into mine. “She has horrible timing,” he mutters. He pushes off the wall and takes a step back, dropping his eyes to my feet then slowly dragging them up the entire length of my body. It’s then we hear footsteps descending the stairs. Kade shakes his head, runs one hand through his hair, and mutters, “Fucking Keegan.” I have to agree—even though I’m pretty sure I was about to run, I would like to have seen that moment through.

  I’m still near the wall watching Kade when Keegan reaches the bottom of the steps. She’s in a snit, so she doesn’t notice the moment she just broke up. I ignore her rant as she walks toward her hoard pile, and continue watching Kade. His back is to me and he has one hand gripping the back of his neck, with his head lowered. His posture and the tight-fitting tee he is wearing accentuate the definition of his biceps and the muscles in his back.

  I’m so caught up in admiring Kade’s body I don’t hear the next set of footsteps come down the stairs. It isn’t until Adrian says, “Oh, shit, Keegan, I think you interrupted something down here,” that I pull my gaze from Kade.

  I look from Adrian, to Keegan, then back to Kade, who still has his back to me. Keegan’s eyes are wide and her mouth is forming an “O”. Adrian is wearing a grin that says he is pleased to be a part of this uncomfortable moment. I just stand unmoving, still in the spot where Kade almost kissed me.

  Kade finally turns and breaks the awkward silence. “Yes, Keegan, you do have horrible timing, but now that you have ruined a very nice moment, please share with me what it is you thought we were getting into down here?”

  And just like that, Keegan’s mind is shifted away from Kade and me and to the corner of the basement that looks like a military camp from the 1950s. This is where Keegan keeps some of the shit she is hoarding for the end of the world. Her reasoning is that she needs to be prepared wherever she is, be it here at school or back home with her family.

  I lean back against the wall, hands clasped behind me, and chance a look at Kade. Just as I look over to him he is turning to look at me, one hand still grasping the back of his neck. He is staring into my eyes with his mouth pressed into a hard line. His gaze is so intense I have to consciously keep from gasping. Finally he closes his eyes, breaking the stare. I can see him take a deep breath in before he drops his hand and gives me one quick look, then he turns and begins walking to the steps. I close my eyes, unable to watch him walk away after the moment we just shared. Keegan continues talking, not realizing Kade has left—never really caring about her emergency radios or water purifiers.

  When we get back upstairs I notice Kade is gone. I feel kinda shitty, since after that almost-kiss I want to see more of him, but he’s gone. I guess that didn’t affect him the way it did me. I’m about to mak
e an excuse about homework so I can hide in my room when I hear Keegan ask where Kade went. Max, still watching the TV, answers, “He mumbled something about needing a shower.”

  “I bet he did,” Adrian says, nudging my shoulder with his own. I look up to see him giving me a cheesy wink. I can’t help the smile that takes over my mouth. The idea that I’m able to get Kade so wound up he needs a shower, well… that feels pretty awesome.

  I go back to the chair where Kade and I were sitting. Keegan sits back down and Adrian reclaims his seat next to her. “I have a 7:50 class tomorrow morning so I need to hit the sack soon,” Adrian explains as he throws an arm over Keegan’s shoulder and leans in. He points to his face then says, “This face is leaving in ten minutes and I want you on it.”

  Gemma and I both groan. Keegan just shakes her head and pats one side of his face with her hand. “Keep trying, young grasshopper. You still have so much to learn.” Then she leans in and kisses him on the mouth, surprising everyone in the room, including Adrian. During the entirety of the kiss his eyes are wide open.

  When Keegan pulls away and stands, turning to go to her room, Adrian jumps up.

  “Wait, I wasn’t ready. That wasn’t any good. You surprised me,” he practically stutters.

  Keegan stops and turns to face him, a seductive smile on her face. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t expecting anything from you. That was just motivation for you to try harder.” Then she winks and struts off to her room, leaving Adrian standing with one hand covering his mouth and the other covering the tent in his pants.

  After a very drawn-out silence in which the three of us sit staring at Adrian, he finally drops both of his hands and walks to the door. “I have to go do research on how to seduce a girl who has an obsession with zombies, a smart mouth, and an amazing kissing ability.” Then he exits the apartment, leaving the three of us to stare after him.

  “She’s good.” Max states the obvious. I realize I’m still staring after Adrian and nodding in agreement. Then I realize that I’m jealous of Adrian. He got kissed tonight, and I did not.

  Later that night, I’m lying in bed, all tucked in and listening to a song on repeat. It’s the song that started playing in my head when Kade first leaned in to me down in the basement: “Kiss Me Slowly” by Parachute. I’m so entranced by the words that I don’t hear him until the door closes behind him. Kade is in my room. I sit up, ready to scold him, but he speaks first.

  “Quiet, Filly. I know you told me that you aren’t ready to have me in your bed, but I couldn’t stay away… good song, by the way.” He’s saying all of this as he’s climbing over me and crawling under my covers. He reaches over to pull me closer, and with a wink he continues, “I took care of the problem you caused earlier, but I can’t guarantee it won’t pop up again.” He pulls me against him, my back to his front. “Anyway, if you feel that problem arise, rest assured I won’t make a move to fix it. I just want to be here. In your bed, with you in my arms.” Then he wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me even closer, and lifts his head to kiss the side of my neck, very gently. “Goodnight, Filly.” And that’s it.

  One minute ago I was completely alone, listening to my song, thinking of Kade. Now he’s wrapped around me, planning to sleep here. A week ago this situation would have had my heart on the verge of an attack and my stomach considering a reappearance of my dinner. What has this boy done to me? Where is the switch that Kade Cross was able to flip, and why have I let him?

  Chapter 14

  In the morning, Kade goes to class and I head off to the barn. Gemma is bringing Isaac to the barn today. He came one other day last week, and we just spent time with Tanner on a lead line, allowing him to eat grass from the yard. The most important thing we can do is spend time with him, asking him to do nothing but trust. That time was also beneficial to Isaac, as I was asking nothing of him either. We just sat in the grass, watching Tanner graze.

  Today I push Tanner’s comfort level, just slightly. After testing his comfort level with me touching his legs, I show Isaac how to clean out the hoof of a horse. Tanner relaxes more during each foot, as if each one I clean without harming him, he trusts me a little more.

  After we spend time grooming every inch of Tanner’s body, testing to see if there are any areas that trigger him, Isaac asks to spend some time playing with him in the pasture. We take Tanner to the pasture right next to his herd, and I explain a trust exercise he can do with Tanner.

  I place a large blue tarp in the middle of the pasture. “Most horses are terrified of tarps because they are so big, they blow around with just a little breeze, and they make scary noises.” Isaac laughs as I wave my hands above my head trying to look scary. “So, to help reduce their fear, we allow them to approach it at their own speed and comfort level.”

  I hand Tanner’s lead rope over to Isaac. “Take him in, but leave him on the line. Walk him towards the big scary tarp, but you need to watch his body language for signs of stress. Allow him the space and time to explore it, but don’t let him run from it. Tanner has gotten into the habit of running from everything, and living in fear. It’s our job to help him remember how to cope with stressful situations.”

  Isaac pays close attention to my directions, then begins the exercises as I watch. As expected, Tanner attempts to back away from the tarp the instant he sees it. He is so determined to escape, he practically pulls Isaac across the pasture. Isaac, using his own natural instincts, soothes Tanner with slow gestures, gentle touches, and extreme patience.

  The two of them have such a basic connection, it’s as if Tanner knows what Isaac is going to ask before the command is ever given I love watching Isaac smile every time Tanner makes the slightest progress, knowing he feels good about the job he is doing. It feels great to have brought these two together, and to know that I played a part in each of them finding a little peace.

  After only thirty minutes or so, Isaac has Tanner standing next to the tarp, in a relaxed state. With a little more encouraging, Tanner puts his nose on the tarp, investigating the smell. Again, using his instincts, and the little I have taught him, Isaac determines this is a good place to stop.

  Isaac brings him back to the gate, walking a little taller than when he went in. “Well, how did we do?”

  I smile. “How do you think you did?”

  “Awesome,” he says, with a huge grin.

  I agree. “Yes, Isaac. You both did awesome.”

  ***

  Over the next couple of weeks, Kade and I do a lot of the hanging out-slash-talking thing. Most of his classes are in the morning, while I am at the barn. I go to the barn in the evening, and he uses that time to study, or whatever else he does at the library. The rest of the time we are together, at my place or his. He has even driven me to the barn and picked me up on multiple occasions, saying he just wanted the extra time with me.

  He does a lot of the talking, but he has gotten good at asking me questions when my guard is down. He never pushes me on anything, but he does nudge.

  I’ve learned that his parents divorced when he was in high school. He said it had been bad for a while, but the final straw was his dad putting all of their money into a bad investment. His mom wasn’t upset about the money, just that he’d done it without discussing it with her first. Apparently his dad had a history of secrets. Kade said, after that, he vowed he was going to be an honest person. He’d seen what lies could do to relationships, and he refused to live that way.

  It took everything in me not to raise my hand and say, “I keep secrets from everyone in my life,” during that story. Instead I asked more questions about his current relationship with his parents, to avoid him noticing the guilt I was trying to hide.

  I’ve also learned a ton of information I will never remember, nor will I ever need. For example: seven U.S. presidents were born in Ohio; the brains of cockroaches contain nine antibiotic molecules, which are more powerful than the antibiotics we use; and, the most useless of all, Leonardo da Vinci could write backwards wit
h one hand while at the same time writing forward with the other. It’s sometimes disturbing the things Kade knows, but it’s always cute how excited he is to share his little nuggets of useless information.

  Regardless of what we do during the day, he always comes to my bed at night. He never asks, and I never tell him to leave. He never tries anything more than cuddling, although he will often kiss my hand, or shoulder, or head—whatever is near his mouth. A part of me is pleading for him try more, but rest of me loves that he never does.

  Chapter 15

  We are all having lunch at the boys’ apartment, in the kitchen where we don’t have to see that disgusting couch. Keegan once asked where they got it from and Adrian launched into a very excited explanation. According to him, it has been passed around the campus since the 1980s. I called bullshit, only to have Max and Adrian flip the couch over to prove its history. On one of the exposed wooden braces there were dates and addresses listed, in chronological order. No shit, the first date was 1984. Most of the addresses were frat houses.

  Gemma, Keegan, and I have all refused to get within touching distance of that couch since then. It’s one thing to wonder about the history of a piece of furniture, and it’s another to know a couch has seen more action than a Vegas hooker.

  As we are all finishing our lunch, a noise echoes through the kitchen. This noise cannot be mistaken for anything but what it is: someone farted. I know, without having to even look around the table, that it was Keegan. Since becoming friends with her I’ve learned that she seems to have a problem controlling this issue, regardless of who’s in the room.

  The room goes completely quiet. No one moves, no one asks who did it, because the answer is clear. Keegan is sitting with one leg tucked under her and the other foot planted on the chair, and is wearing an enormous grin on her face, most likely because she is extremely proud of herself.