Shy Kinda Love

by Deanna Eshler

  ***

  That night and over the next two days, I avoid Kade. I even sleep at Ryder’s so that he can’t climb into my bed. I only go to the apartment when I know he’s in class. Keegan and Gemma question me, but don’t push when I don’t answer.

  I know that now is a turning point for us, especially for me. I’ll continue this “friendship” thing with Kade, the way it is going, I know we will cross over the just-friends line very soon. So, I can choose to put space between us, put a decisive end to our growing close, and keep myself safe from losing him once I’m too close. Or, I can let the relationship progress along its natural path.

  Kade texts me regularly, and when I tell him, on day two, I just need a little space, he agrees to give me a little. He then quotes the definition of space as being a boundless three-dimensional blah, blah, blah, and he’s not willing to give me that much. I have to smile at his very Kade-like way of putting limitations on my time.

  After only a couple days away from him, I already miss him. The truth is, I know I’m going to go back to him, I just don’t know when I’ll find the strength to do it.

  Chapter 18

  On day three of avoiding Kade, Gemma calls insisting I go out with them. In her passive way, she accuses me of being a bad friend. Because she has the ability to make me feel incredibly guilty, I agree. So that evening Ryder drops me off at The Hole.

  The girls are already there and have a shot waiting for me, but I refuse. The last thing I need, on top of all my other drama, is to show my ass on stage again. So I get a beer from Nate and rejoin the girls.

  Two hours later, both Keegan and Gemma are drunk. I’m pretty sure they are drunk four out of seven nights. Keegan is currently practicing the art of creating perfect cleavage, as Gemma takes her picture to let her see the results. Honestly, I have no idea how these two have gotten through four years of college.

  Although I haven’t partaken in the dance with my Mexican friend, I’m still having a great time. I really needed time with these two to make me smile, and I laugh so hard my cheeks hurt.

  During my last trip to get a beer, I see Luke come through the front door. I immediately look away. This is the first time I’ve seen him since my batshit crazy moment. Heading back to the table, I chance a peek and see him watching me. He smiles and gives me the old chin lift. I return the smile, but leave out the chin lift. I’m pretty sure that’s only supposed to be used by guys.

  When I get back to the table, Keegan and Gemma inform me they want to dance. I wave them off. “Not tonight,” I say, then add, “Besides, I see someone I want to talk to.”

  Being drunk, neither asks who, or even seems to care. They scurry off to the dance floor and wiggle their way into the crowd.

  I should leave well enough alone with Luke, but, well… we were kind of friends. And I would like to apologize for that night. So, I walk toward the table where he’s sitting with a couple of guys I don’t know.

  As I approach him I'm biting my bottom lip and lift my brow, feeling embarrassed. I ask Luke if we can talk and he instantly stands, leading me to a corner. When I begin to speak I realize anyone sitting near us will hear our conversation, so I ask if we can go for a walk. He looks a little concerned by my suggestion, and I’m pretty sure it's because he thinks I'm going to show my crazy again.

  “I just want to try and explain my meltdown moment,” I offer, trying to add sarcasm to lighten to mood.

  Luke chuckles and shakes his head, “You are the only girl I know who could make a joke about that situation and still be fucking adorable.” He then leans in and looks as though he is going to wrap an arm around me. He pauses with his arm outstretched, then reaches up and pats me on the head. “Let’s go,” he says, and I bite my cheek, trying not to laugh. Although it’s sweet that he doesn’t want to freak me out again, the look on his face was laugh worthy.

  After a quick trip to tell the girls I’m leaving, we leave.

  Luke only lives a few blocks from The Hole so we walk the short distance to his house. Just a couple minutes into the trip, Luke asks, “Are we going to have a conversation about real shit tonight, or do you want to pretend this is all normal?”

  I rub my face with both my hands, feeling emotionally exhausted but knowing I have to give Luke something. I turned into a nutcase last time we were together, and he deserves some explanation.

  I drop my hands and look up to the sky. “We can talk about real shit, but only a little.” I pull my gaze back down and over to Luke. “I can only share so much.”

  Luke nods. “I’ll take it.”

  Once we get back to Luke’s place we go straight to his room. I move to sit on the bed, leaning against the wall, and Luke chooses to sit on the floor across the room, also leaning against the wall.

  “What happened that night?” He lifts both hands in front of him. “I’m not asking for everything, just give me something. I feel like shit, but I have no idea what I did wrong.”

  I sigh and pull my knees up to my chest. “I’m fucked-up, Luke. I know you probably figured that out already, but now I’ve proved it.”

  He is biting the inside of his lip and staring at me, not blinking. I can tell he’s about to ask me a question I’m not going to want to answer.

  “What happened to you, Shy?” he asks, confirming my thoughts. “I mean, I’m no psych major, but I can tell you’ve been hurt.”

  I pause to consider my words. “I have triggers. When people, specifically men, touch me, I have flashbacks.” There, that says enough without saying much.

  “I’m sorry,” he says, then a flash of understanding crosses his face. “Kade touches you. I’ve seen him.” He laughs humorlessly. “I’ve watched far too closely when you two are together.”

  Now I feel the need to apologize. “I’m sorry,” I begin, but he waves me off.

  He draws in a long breath and stretches his legs out in front of him. “Kade came to see me that weekend; the next morning. I didn’t tell him anything. Hell, I don’t know anything to tell him, but he wanted answers. He cares about you, Shy.” He watches me, waiting for an indication I’m surprised by this news. He shakes his head, beginning to look a little frustrated.

  He pauses for a long time, considering his words. Just when I think he’s not going to continue, resignation crosses his face, and he says, “You make me want more.” He must see my panic because he rushes to explain. “After spending time with you, I started to see something I really liked. So… I decided not to sleep with any other girls.” At this admission my eyes grow wide. “That’s right, I haven’t been with another girl since you and I met.”

  I am completely shocked. Then I become concerned. Has Luke been waiting for me to get over my crazy? What does he want from me now?

  Again he rushes to explain. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you for more, not again. I’m smart enough to know when I’m in over my head. You deserve more than a guy who wants a date and maybe a dance under the sheets. I’m just saying that you’ve made me… take a look at the kind of girls I typically look for. I think I’m looking for someone different… and sweet, like you.”

  I hear Luke get up and walk closer, and then I see his shadow over me. I don’t look up so he sits on the floor next to me, getting in my line of sight. “Look at me, Shy.” I lift my eyes, but that’s all; I just don’t have the strength to do more right now. “You are very sweet, and very beautiful, and very fun.” My face is still pressed to my knees, but Luke lifts one hand and brushes the hair off my cheeks, then seems surprised when I don’t jump away. “Come on, we need to get you home.”

  I stand up and brush off my pants, trying to avoid eye contact with Luke. It doesn’t matter because he reaches out and slowly pulls me in for a hug. He watches my face for any sign that he is going to send me to crazytown again. I finally give in and lean into him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I say only, “Thank you.”

  Chapter 19

  When I finally get home, Keegan and Gemma are up waiting for m
e. I walk through the door, already exhausted by my lecture from Luke, and there they are on the couch, laser eyes on the door.

  Keegan is the first to begin the attack. “What the fuck, Shy?” she practically yells. She stands up and begins pacing the length of the living room. As she scolds me, her hands are flying through the air. “You and Luke? You said you didn’t like him. That cheesedick is not worthy of you. Then you start spending time with Kade. You not only get his mind in the game, but you get Gemma and me thinking maybe you can be released from the insane asylum.”

  My mind is reeling. What is she talking about and why is she so pissed at me?

  Keegan goes on about how I’m disrespecting myself and how she believed that maybe Kade would be the one to pull my head out of my ass. Gemma says nothing, just watches my reactions to Keegan’s rapid fire. After several minutes of Keegan launching all her ammo at me, Gemma puts up one a hand to halt the one-sided war.

  “Keegan, I think we need to let Shy talk.”

  I raise both my hands in defense. “I don’t know what to say because I don’t know what she is so pissed about.”

  Keegan pulls a “don’t give me that shit” look. “You went home with Luke. Why, in all things holy, would you go home with Luke? You know Kade is going to be furious when he finds out.”

  I drop onto the couch and fall against the back. “I didn’t go home with him to hook up, dipshit,” I say, in my most offended voice. “Do you two not know me at all?”

  Sitting directly across from me, Gemma scoots to the edge of the couch. “I told her, Shyanne. I told her you would never do anything with him.” She lets out an audible sigh, smiling from one ear to the other, then leans back into the couch. Apparently that was all she needed to hear.

  Keegan, well, she isn’t so content. “Why did you leave with him?”

  Now I let out a loud sigh. “Because he deserved an explanation of why I freaked out the last time we were together. I know you’re not crazy about him, but I consider him a friend.”

  “What did you tell him?” Keegan asks, sounding offended.

  Keegan and Gemma both know I have issues with people touching me, and I’d even told them about the last time I saw Luke. Neither one of them have ever pressed me for details.

  I drag my hands down my face, then lean back into the couch, on the verge of tears now. “I told him that I have triggers. When guys touch me, I’m no longer in the present. I have flashbacks.”

  “From…” Gemma hedges.

  “I’ve been with a lot of men, but I wouldn’t call it positive experiences.” I don’t know why I’m telling them this. I guess it’s the emotions of the day.

  “Men,” Gemma repeats, concern lacing her voice. “How old were they?”

  I can’t do this right now, or ever. “Gemma,” I begin, but get no further. Keegan drops down on my other side, on the couch.

  “You were raped, weren’t you,” Keegan says, getting right to the point of this interrogation. “Shy, if that’s the case—”

  “Don’t,” I snap, looking right into Keegan’s eyes. “Don’t assume you know my story or about any of my decisions. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t look at me like you want to fix me.” I stand and turn my back to them, wiping the tears away before they see them.

  “That’s bullshit, Shy,” Keegan says, raising her voice. “You know damn well I have never tried to fix you. Shit, we asked you live with us knowing you had issues, and we have never once asked you tell us what happened. So don’t you climb up on your high horse and try to piss me off so I’ll push you away.”

  Keegan and I both turn to look at Gemma when we hear her snicker.

  She clears her throat. “She said high horse, and… well… you have a horse.”

  I roll my eyes and Keegan shakes her head, but Gemma’s dumb comment lightened the mood somehow.

  “Trust me, Shy, I know all about pushing people away. I played that game for a long time.” I can see her visibly swallow as she looks away. “You’re not the only one with skeletons in your closet,” she adds, surprising me.

  Wow, she knows how to put a girl in her place.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, truthfully.

  “I know you are. Now give me a hug so we can go to bed.”

  We hug, then she adds. “Oh, by the way, Max saw you leave with Luke, and he was not happy.”

  Fantastic.

  ***

  The next morning I’m sitting in my living room with the girls and Adrian. Adrian said the other guys weren’t up yet, so he came over to hang out with us. I’m hyper-aware of the fact that Max is alone in the apartment next door with Kade. I know he’s the kind of friend who will tell Kade what he saw, before either of them leaves that apartment.

  And so, about thirty minutes later, Kade comes crashing through our door with Max a few steps behind him. Before anyone can say hello, Kade glares at me and asks, “Are you fucking kidding me, Shy?” I look up, making eye contact but not holding it.

  “You went home with Luke last night?” Kade is yelling now. Everyone in the room has started to look very uncomfortable. Gemma reaches over and squeezes my hand. I just look down at the floor. I know it was dumb for me to leave with Luke, especially without telling anyone what my plans were, but I really feel like everyone is making too big a deal of this.

  I see Kade’s shoes appear next to mine. I still don’t look up, unsure what to say, and a little anxious at his reaction. “You told me you have no interest in a relationship with him. We start hanging out, you get upset over—Jesus, who knows what—and you avoid me for days. Then I find out you went home with Luke. What the hell, Shy?” His voice is rising with every word.

  I’ve never seen him angry; in fact, I’ve never seen him show any emotion that wasn’t calm and controlled. I hate it that I’ve brought him to this.

  I know I need to say something but I can’t form a thought. My heart is pounding so hard I swear I can hear it. I hear Kade’s fast, deep breaths above me. I slowly lift my head to look at him, and I see his eyes are filled with both pain and anger. His jaw muscle is clenched and his nostrils flaring. The look on his face and the fury in his eyes is causing my chest to ache.

  I finally decide to say something, and I stand. “Kade, wait,” I manage, but that’s all I can get out.

  “Dammit, Shy, I was waiting! I talked to Luke last weekend; apparently that did a lot of good.” He throws his hands in the air and turns to pace the room. “You’re a like fucking rabbit, ready to bolt at any second. I’ve been giving you time, trying to let you adjust to us spending time together, before I told you how much I care about you.” Kade has started running his hands through his hair as he paces. His anger is a living being in the room, sucking all the air from the space.

  My heart has sunk to the bottom of my stomach, and I know I need to cut him off and explain. I try again: “Kade please, can we go discuss this private?”

  Kade flinches, as if my voice has startled him, and turns to face me then, his eyes takes survey of the room. He runs both his hands through his hair again. “Look what you’ve done to me,” he says, gesturing to himself. “This isn’t me. I’m a reasonable, rational person who makes logical decisions based on facts. I don’t act like this.”

  Adrian steps up. “You are being a volcano-sized asshole right now.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Kade snaps, seeming to lose the control he had momentarily.

  Starting to get pissed myself, I push back at his last comment. “I’m so sorry that I’ve made you this,” I say, motioning at him. “But if you’ll recall, I was not the one who came crawling into your bed every night. I was the one who told you to stay away.”

  With wide, crazy eyes, he snaps his fingers and points at me. “Thank you for pointing out my first mistake.”

  I step around Kade and pick up my purse from beside the couch. “I’m just gonna go,” I know I need to clarify what really happened last night, but he’s shouting over me so it serves him right if he feels bad.


  “Of course,” Kade says, as he moves to stand in front of me again. “It’s always easier to run than to fight for anything.”

  I take in a sharp breath, and my whole body jerks, as if I have been physically hit. His words take me back to when I was first placed in witness protection. I hated myself for running from decisions, and I still hate myself for never once fighting.

  The tears start to form behind my eyes as I stare into Kade’s now-cold eyes. I don’t know who this is, but I don’t like him.

  I duck my head and move around him again. I walk towards the door, refusing to look at anyone.

  I have to get out of here, but Kade reaches out for me and grabs my arm.

  “Wait, Shy.”

  I pull, trying to get free, but his grip tightens.

  “Filly, I’m sorry. I’m an ass, I know, but please don’t go,” he says.

  I think his voice is softening, but all I can focus on is his hand wrapped around my arm. I have never felt anxiety when Kade touches me, but in this moment I feel trapped. I pull one more time, but he refuses to let go. I finally lift my eyes, letting him see the pain, and even fear.

  “Please let go,” I say, almost in a whisper.

  He releases me so fast, it’s as if my skin burned him. Just as fast, I watch the anger in his eyes turn to remorse, but my survival instincts have already kicked in and I have to run.

  I hear Adrian yelling at Kade, but I don’t listen. I grab my keys and run from the apartment, leaving behind nothing but the sound of shattered possibilities.

  Chapter 20

  Once I’m in my car and driving away from that disaster, I let the tears fall freely, let the sobs rack my body. I am gasping for breath between sobs; it feels like there is no air in my car. In the back of my mind I know I can’t drive far like this, so I pull off into the parking lot of a shopping center. I pull my legs up, planting my feet into the seat and wrapping both my arms around my knees. I lay my forehead on my knees and just sob.