Shy Kinda Love

by Deanna Eshler

  The doors to both of our apartments are left open so that people can wander between the two. The food is set up in our apartment and the bar is arranged in the guys’ kitchen. Mostly people go to the boys’ place to mix their drinks or fill their cups from the keg, then they come back to our place to sit and talk or playing drinking games.

  Several times Kade pulls me off into a corner or into a bedroom just to wrap his arms around me and tell how happy he is that we’re together. Once, he pulls back from the embrace and holds my face in both of his hands, his lips just a breath from mine. I can feel every breath he pulls in and each one he lets out. I watch as his eyes shift from each of my eyes, then down to my mouth, as if he’s torn over what part of me to look at. His thumbs stroke gently over my cheekbones, and I know he can feel the race of my heart in the pulse behind my ears. In that moment, I felt that new feeling, the one that used to feel so wrong. I feel desire.

  Before the party is even halfway over, Kade and I slip off to my room. I climb onto my bed, then turn to watch Kade lock the door. Instead of joining me in bed, he walks over to my closet and begins digging around. Before I can ask what he is doing, Kade faces me, hands behind his back. As he walks towards me, I can see a gift bag swinging behind him.

  “What are you doing? Why are you pulling stuff out of my closet?”

  He stands in front of me, both hands behind his back and a sneaky half-smile on his face. “I saw something today that reminded me of you, so I got it. I hid it in here earlier,” Kade explains.

  I narrow my eyes at him, uncomfortable with the idea of him getting me a gift.

  “You don’t scare me, Filly, so you can stop trying to intimidate me with that look. Besides, as your boyfriend, I have the right to buy you gifts whenever I want.”

  He called me his girlfriend. I can’t help the stupid smile that widens across my entire face. “Your girlfriend,” I say. It’s not a question; I’m just trying it out.

  Kade drops onto his knees in front of me, setting the bag next to him. He puts his hands on my waist and pulls me to the edge of the bed so that his chest is positioned between my legs. “Yes, my girlfriend,” he throws back. “Go ahead and say it as many times as you need. I love hearing it as much as I think you love saying it.”

  He’s right, I do kinda love saying it, but I’m not going to wear it out. While I continue to smile, and repeat this new word over in my head, Kade reaches into the gift bag and pulls out a stuffed white horse. When he sets it on my lap I realize it’s not just a horse. It’s a winged horse: a Pegasus. Kade got me a flying horse.

  As I sit staring at this mythical creature, Kade lifts a hand to cup my cheek. “You told me that you don’t believe in flying horses.” He points to the stuffed horse on my lap. “I know it’s not the flying horse you had in mind, but let’s be honest. Do you and I do anything the normal way? We can do whatever we want, Shy, we might just have to get creative sometimes.”

  “Where do you come up with this stuff, Kade? I mean, really, no normal guy says such perfect things off the top of his head.”

  Kade winks then nods back to my new stuffed friend. “I don’t want you to think I’m cheap. I have something else for you, but it’s going to be a couple weeks before I can give it to you.”

  I raise my brow. “You confident we’ll last two weeks?”

  Before I can even laugh at my own joke, Kade has me lifted off the bed and flipped over so I’m on my stomach. His hand connects with my ass and I yelp. “Don’t joke about that shit, Shy,” Kade warns, but there is laughter behind it.

  “You just spanked me,” I shout, as I try to push up off the bed. Kade’s hand is on the small of my back, holding me in place.

  “No more jokes, Shy. Tell me you get it.”

  Now I’m laughing so hard I couldn’t get up if I wanted to. “I get it,” I manage to say between breaths.

  He smacks my ass again. “That was just to help you remember.” Then he moves his hand and I roll onto my back. Kade is moving in to lean over me with that change-your-life smile telling me he is having just as much fun as I am.

  As much as I want to believe I can protect my heart from this boy, I know his words and that smile already have a secret passageway under my walls.

  Chapter 28

  When I wake the next morning, Kade’s arm squeezes around my waist and I feel his lips press against the back of my head. “Good morning, beautiful,” he whispers.

  “Good morning,” I reply, knowing he can likely hear the smile in my voice.

  “You sound happy,” he says, confirming my thoughts. “Which is awesome because I happen to be happier than I’ve ever been.” He kisses the top of my head. “I love you, Filly.” I close my eyes and take in his words, then I just nod. “It’s okay, I can wait until you’re ready to accept your feelings.”

  I decide to use avoidance. “Listen, Kade, I need to go to the barn today. I think Tanner’s almost ready to go home. His family is coming today to see his progress.” I twist in place until I am facing him. “I’m so excited for Isaac to show them how far he’s come.”

  I’ve talked with Kade about Isaac; about how he and Tanner seem to be working together to heal. He doesn’t know the details, but he knows that Isaac has his own demons to fight. He also understands that working with Tanner has helped Isaac with that fight.

  We eat breakfast together, and I try not to throw up looking at his Captain’s Surprise cereal. I leave for the barn while he stays home to catch up on the schoolwork he has been neglecting due to my drama.

  ***

  When I arrive at the barn, Isaac is already there, having been dropped off by a worker at the home. He is helping Angie with feeding when I enter the barn. Angie comes to talk to me about Tanner’s progress and allows Isaac to finish feeding. Isaac has spent so much time here I’m pretty sure he could do a feeding and turn out all by himself.

  “I am so proud of you, Shyanne,” she begins after hugging me. This has become her new way of greeting me. “I’ve been watching you and Isaac with Tanner, and your process is amazing. It’s like you’re slowly reintroducing Tanner to everything in his life. What made you decide to try it that way?”

  I took a look in the mirror and realized everything about life terrified me. So I slowly began reintroducing myself to everything in life, and that seemed to work. Of course I don’t say that.

  “It started with Isaac and his connection with Tanner,” I tell her, which is still very true. “We took it one day at a time, having no expectations.”

  Angie smiles and looks like she wants to hug me again, so I take a step back. “Hey, I need to talk to Isaac before Tanner’s family gets here.”

  Isaac and I are standing in the drive, discussing our plan for Tanner, when a huge truck pulls in and parks next to the barn. The silver GMC Sierra looks nearly brand new. When the passenger door opens, I can almost smell leather wafting across the drive. Mrs. Vale climbs down from her perch on the front seat. Although she must be forty-five years old, her energy and enthusiasm rival that of a teenager. She smiles and waves as she closes her door. Her husband is rounding the front of the truck when the back door opens. Mr. Vale is not as chipper or fashionable as his wife, but he is a nice man.

  As Sarah climbs out of the truck I hear Isaac mutter, “Damn.” I laugh lightly. Of course that would be his reaction.

  The family approaches, and I introduce Isaac. I’d spoken to Mrs. Vale weeks ago, to get permission for Isaac to work with Tanner. They don’t know his story, but they know he’s a ward of the state because we had to have his social worker sign a release-of-liability form. When I introduce Sarah to him, she smiles shyly and averts her eyes. I have to bite back my smile when I notice the pink color suffusing her cheeks.

  In order to avoid the awkwardness, I ask Isaac to go get Tanner from his stall.

  I see Mrs. Vale stiffen at my request, then she asks, “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, you said he doesn’t have experience with horses. With Tanner’s hi
story of unpredictable behavior, should he be going alone to handle him?”

  I expected this exact reaction, so I’m prepared. I shoo Isaac away to go fetch the horse, then I turn to the family. “I know that you’ve had some dangerous experiences with Tanner in the past, but what I need from you today is to forget all your history with him. I need you to approach this visit as though this is your first time meeting him. Introduce yourself to him just as you would any other strange horse you meet, paying close attention to his body language.”

  Mrs. Vale is nodding, as if what I’m telling her makes complete sense. Sarah, on the other hand, is watching the barn door, waiting for either her horse or the new interesting boy. When they both appear, I see the huge smile spread across her face and I know instantly it’s for the horse. I can see the pure joy this horse brings her, because it’s exactly what Walker does for me.

  The family does exactly as I instructed and the re-introduction goes great. Sarah leads Tanner back into the barn, where she and Isaac work together, preparing the horse to be ridden. My heart swells a little with pride as I watch Isaac talk about the process of getting Tanner used to the saddle. Sarah is listening, and at the same time watching her horse for any signs of stress. I want to take a video of this moment so I can watch it when I have bad days.

  By the time we get out to the arena, the family has relaxed and they are just enjoying watching Tanner, with his new attitude about life. However, when Isaac begins to mount the horse, Mrs. Vale can’t help her anxiety. “Wait, he’s going to ride? Does he know how to ride?” she asks, worrying her hands.

  “No,” I say. “Isaac is just learning how to ride.”

  I see the panic on everyone’s faces, so I tell Isaac to wait. I step in front of Mrs. Vale and reach out, closing both of my hands around hers. “You have to let go of the past,” I tell her, looking into her eyes. “That’s how we finally broke through to Tanner. We stopped thinking about how to fix him, and we let him show us the way. We let go of all our plans, and our visions of all the things he could do, and we trusted him. We let Tanner show us who he is, what his fears are, and what he loves to do.” I turn back to Isaac and nod, indicating he can proceed. As he pulls Tanner to the right, I lead the family to the gate, where we can watch more closely.

  I begin giving Isaac direction on how to ride, at times telling him to turn the horse, make him stop, or squeeze his legs to make him walk faster. When I turn and see the awe on Mrs. Vale’s face, I let her know what Isaac and I learned from Tanner last week.

  “Once we broke through the anxiety, I was able to find his strength.” I shift my eyes back to the arena, where Isaac now has Tanner turned and walking toward us. “Tanner’s a lesson horse,” I say, unable to hide my proud smile for both boy and horse. “I assume he used be a lesson horse, before the abuse; maybe a previous owner. Anyway, he is super patient and very comfortable with an inexperienced rider on his back. Actually, he does better for Isaac than he does for me.”

  When Sarah turns to look at me, I see a tear lingering at the corner of her eye. “I loved him before, but I love him so much more now,” she says. She reaches up to pet Tanner’s nose as Isaac stops him in front of her. I see the tear slide down her cheek just before she speaks again. “Thank you, Shyanne. Thank you for taking the time to listen to him and find out who he is, instead of forcing him to be something he’s not.”

  I glance up at Isaac and see the muscle in his jaw is clenched, as he is trying to hide how her words affected him.

  We make arrangements to get Tanner home next weekend, then we all say our goodbyes. I tell Isaac how great he did today and promise him he can go with us to take Tanner home.

  “I’m gonna miss him,” he admits.

  My heart warms at his willingness to admit that. I nudge him with my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Angie already has another one lined up for us.”

  Before I go home I stop by to see Ryder. He texted yesterday to say he’d be in town for a few days. Although we stay in touch every day, via text, I haven’t seen him in a while. We spend the afternoon catching up, and he makes sure to focus on teasing me about Kade.

  “Have you fully embraced this life yet?” he asks, recalling a previous discussion.

  I shrug. “Honestly, I try not to, but I think have.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Picking at a loose seam on the couch, I don’t look up. “I’ve tried not to let myself free-fall into this thing with Kade, but the problem is, I can’t fight against whatever it is that’s pulling me in.”

  Chapter 29

  The following Friday afternoon Kade knocks, then opens my bedroom door, but doesn’t enter; he just leans against the doorjamb with one shoulder. With his hands in his pockets and his head tilted slightly, wearing that life-changing smile, Kade is the image of college boy perfect. I close my book, placing it beside me on the bed.

  “What can I do for you, Mr. Cross?” I ask, teasing him.

  Pushing himself off the wall, Kade pulls one of his hands from his pocket. In that hand is a small gift box. I immediately look to his eyes, searching for a hint about what’s going on. Kade sits next to me on the bed, placing the box in my hand. “I told you I had another gift coming.” He nods to the box. “It got here today.”

  I look from him to the box, then back to him again. “Kade, what is this? We’ve only been together for a couple weeks. You didn’t need to get me anything, let alone order something for me. I love Flyer.”

  “Flyer?” he asks, sounding confused.

  “Yeah, get it? My walking horse is Walker, so my flying horse is Flyer.”

  He shakes his head, then orders, “Open it. It’s nothing major. After our conversation the night we finally got together, I knew exactly what I wanted to get for you. The problem was, I couldn’t find one that suited you. So,” he says, shrugging, “I went online to see what I could find.”

  I open it with a mixture of concern and excitement. The box is a simple brown box with a sheer turquoise ribbon. I remove the ribbon and lift the lid, only to discover the perfect necklace inside. At the end of a silver chain is a replica of an ancient silver coin bearing an image of Pegasus. The silver has a tarnished look and the coin is imperfect, appearing as though it has survived many centuries. Kade is right; this pendant suits me.

  I look from the box back to Kade, and tell him honestly, “I love it.”

  Kade furrows his brow. “Do you? If not we can find you something else. It’s just that all the other flying horse necklaces I saw weren’t right. They were all shiny and the horse looked too… well, perfect.” He lifts one hand to stroke my face with his thumb. “I know you and your horses. Perfection is not what you’re looking for.”

  I lift the necklace in both hands and place it around my neck. As I fasten it, I tell Kade, “You are absolutely right. I’m not looking for perfection, but I think I’ve found it.”

  He just smiles and leans in for a kiss, unwilling to acknowledge how perfect he is.

  We spend the hour before Kade has to go study making out a little, but mostly just wrapped in each other’s arms. After he leaves, I go to show Keegan and Gemma the latest flying horse that Kade has gotten for me. After Gemma gets in her moment of dreamy-eyed bliss, I ask Keegan what’s up with her and Adrian.

  Since I’ve been so caught up in my own drama, I’ve not heard any more about their supposed engagement. Keegan rolls her eyes at my question. “Well, last night he acted like a complete caveman,” she begins, her eyes narrowed and lips pressed together. “We went over to Luke’s. He was having a small get-together. Since you and Kade spend all your time making out or staring at each other, we didn’t bother asking.” She gives a sarcastic smile, so I flip her the bird.

  “Anyway,” she continues, “at one point I was sitting on the couch talking to some hot little freshman. You know, just trying to get to know the young’uns,” she says with a wink. “Well, apparently Adrian didn’t like it, so he came over, told the kid to go stick his head i
n gravy, then grabbed my hand and pulled me off the couch.”

  I can’t help the laugh that escapes. Keegan scowls at me so I look to Gemma for help. Gemma shrugs and says, “It was pretty funny, Keegan. I mean, did you see how fast that boy rounded up his kindergarten friends? They ran out the back door like they were going to cry to their moms.”

  I let out another loud laugh. When Keegan looks like she’s about to punch me in my throat I press my lips into a hard line and say, “I’m sorry, Keegan. I know you’re pissed at him. I won’t laugh anymore. Tell me what happened next.”

  After another scowl for good measure, Keegan goes on. “I told Adrian he was being a jealous ass and he needed to go home if he was going to act like that. Then I went to the bar to talk to Alec, you know, to prove my point, or independence, or whatever.”

  Keegan and her interesting way with words. “Okay, so how did that go over?”

  Now sitting at her makeup desk, beginning her preparations for the evening, Keegan slams down her eyeliner pencil and throws up her hands. “The caveman spun my bar stool, picked me up, and threw me over his shoulder. Before I knew what the hell was going on, we were on our way out the front door.”

  I have to bite the inside of my lip to keep from laughing again. The visual of Keegan Don’t-Fuck-With-Me Hughes being tossed over Adrian’s shoulder is almost too much. Luckily she’s too wound-up to notice me almost breaking my promise.

  “Once we got outside he set me down and told me we were going home. When I argued, he threw me back over his shoulder and carried me all the way back here.” Now she’s practically yelling, so I remind her how thin our walls are by placing a finger over my lips and pointing to the walls.

  Realizing what I’m saying, Keegan stands up and begins pacing the room, talking even louder now, and enunciating to boot. “I don’t give a fuck if he hears me. Actually, I hope he hears me so that I don’t have to have this conversation with him later.” With that, Keegan takes off the plastic pink engagement ring and shoves it in one of her desk drawers. “I’m done playing this stupid little game of ours. It’s been fun, but I don’t do the jealous boyfriend thing. This was all just supposed to be a good time. Well, that good time is over,” she announces as she swings open her closet door and begins her hour-long search for tonight’s outfit.