by London Casey
“Not a chance in hell,” Kim said.
“Percy…”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “I’m going to move to North Carolina.”
“Really?”
“I got accepted to college.”
“Wow. Congrats.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I guess I should learn something.”
“Point being,” Cindy cut in, “is that we can’t do this forever. We were keeping things moving to pass it along. But I don’t want to do it anymore. At least not like this.”
“And you’ve grown the business, Lara,” Calvin said. “With all this knickknack crap. And the stuff you make and put right on the counter. You have a knack for this. We’re not going to ditch you here, but we want it to be yours.”
“I don’t know what to say right now,” I said.
“We want you to say yes,” Cindy said. “We’re not giving you the business. We’re going to sell it to you.”
“You’re a finance person,” Calvin said. “So we can arrange a way to make it happen. Get to a bank for a loan. Whatever else is needed we can give you a personal loan.”
“It’s a huge decision,” I said. “I would… I mean, speaking from a non-pretend-I’m-your-daughter point of view, I would need to see the books. As many years as possible. I would need to see tax returns. I would need to see the lease on the building. I know I’ve seen the vendor lists and the payables and receivables, but I’d need to actually sit down and…”
“Yawn,” Kim announced. “This is boring. I thought we were going to celebrate and drink champagne.”
“It’s not that simple,” I said.
“Which is why I don’t want it.”
“I’m good here,” Percy said. “I’m leaving. I’ve got bags to pack.”
Kim walked from around the counter and hugged me. “I love you, Lara. Figure out what you want and make it happen. And if you buy this place then I totally expect you to keep me in the loop if someone I’m screwing is buying flowers for someone else.”
“Our daughter,” Calvin said as he shook his head.
“Dad,” Kim said. “I’m pregnant.”
“What?” Calvin said.
“See? Doesn’t seem so bad now, right? As long as I don’t come home pregnant and not know who the father is, be proud of me.”
“So proud,” Calvin said.
Then it became just me and Calvin and Cindy.
“Well?” Cindy asked.
“Well, yes. Of course I want this. I love this, actually. It’s fun to me. But it’s fun when it’s not my business. It’s not my responsibility to keep it going. This is a big deal for me.”
“Of course it is,” Calvin said. “So whatever you need, we’ll make it happen. You want the books? It’s all yours to look through. Anything you want or need.”
Cindy smiled. Calvin took a key off his keyring. “This is to the back room where we keep everything. Every receipt and transaction since we opened the doors twenty-five years ago.”
“Wow,” I whispered. “Wow. If I don’t…”
“What are we going to do?” Cindy asked.
I nodded.
“My heart tells me we’ll sell,” Calvin said. “That we’ll find a way to liquidate even. Cash out. But my gut knows we’d keep going. Because it matters to us. And the way you are with business and numbers, Lara, you’d be great at this. Hell, I could see you opening another location. Why not?”
I laughed. “One thing at at time, Calvin. I sort of quit my job and lost my apartment…”
“That’s what any good risk taker would do,” he said. “If you need somewhere to live, you can have the bedroom in the garage.”
“Percy’s room?” I asked, curling my nose.
“I promise,” Cindy said, “when he leaves we will pay a biohazard team to go in there and clean it.”
“Fuck that,” Calvin said. “We’re changing the carpets, painting the walls. Whatever it takes.”
I laughed so hard I started to cry.
I could count on my left hand how many times I’d ever heard Calvin say fuck.
“That means a lot to me,” I said. “A whole lot.”
“Think about it,” Cindy said. “Really think about it. Please.”
“I will. I promise.”
It was one of the biggest moments of my life.
And the first thing I thought of?
I wanted to call Osiris and make sure he was okay…
32
A Quiet Farewell
(OSIRIS)
They chose a little memorial garden next to a cemetery. I wasn’t sure the purpose of it or the stories that were held in the small gardens and plaques that littered the ground.
This was the last fucking place I thought I’d be.
I stepped out of my truck and just stood there, looking at the garden.
What the fuck am I supposed to do here?
I started to walk, moving along a manmade path right up the center of the small gardens. Each one had its own flowers, trinkets, a little fence. It didn’t have the gravity of death like the giant headstones of the cemetery next to me, but it still made me feel uneasy.
Were these all people who went missing? Something obviously happened that was tragic enough to make a family decide this was the best place to do this.
Then I stopped walking.
To my right, a couple feet away, I saw her name.
Mila.
I remembered the first time she said her name to me. I joked with her and said ‘Me love? Me love what?’ To my shock, she laughed at the stupid fucking joke. She slapped my chest. I grabbed her hand. Then we both smiled at the same time. I let her go right then, a little test to see what she would do next.
I told her my name and she looked like she’d just got sucked on a lemon.
We laughed and, fuck me, she never stopped laughing. But I did. I got lost. Way too lost.
I glanced to my right at the memorial.
I wasn’t going to face it. I wasn’t going to talk to it. It wasn’t fucking real. It was a memory. Hence the fucking name.
But I appreciated it.
I understood it.
This was a place I could take Adley someday. And I could take her up to the mountain. Show her the stone bench. The willow tree. That’s where the memory of Mila really was.
I gritted my teeth. The fucking pain started to surge through me. The haunting memories of that day. Getting caught up at the shop. On purpose. It was always on purpose. Some stupid fucking phone call to make or take. Someone to talk to. Whatever. But I knew she was going up there with Adley. I knew it. I planned for it. I thought Mila would get up there on her own and just marvel at it. I wanted her to stand at the cabin door and wait for me. So I could show up like the savior, the man who was rich enough to buy the cabin for her.
That’s who I was at the time.
A fucking prick.
“I should have disappeared,” I said. I spoke to nobody. Just myself. Just the birds flying around me. “Not you, Mila. I fucking ruined everything. But Adley is perfect. She’s got a great life. Your sister is a good person. So is Dane. Even though he’s an asshole.”
Shit.
I rubbed my forehead and turned to walk away.
This was too much.
I walked back to my truck and drove away.
What the fuck did anyone expect from me? To collapse on the ground at the memorial and cry? Fuck that. Mila wasn’t there. That was just a patch of grass with some flowers and her name.
I drove back up the mountain and stopped at the stone bench.
I got out of my truck and stood there.
Hundreds of times I’d stood there trying to make sense of it. What she was doing or trying to do. How she could have been standing to fall. That’s what they all assumed. She fell. And just kept falling. I once jumped off the ridge. I got a little too tuned up on whiskey and sorrow and jumped. To see if I could disappear. I hit, rolled, and slammed into a tree. I fucked up my shoulder but I didn’t d
isappear.
“So where the fuck did you go?” I called out.
My voice echoed and there was no response.
I walked to the stone bench.
I wasn’t going to collapse at some memorial like a pussy. I was going to collapse right there, right where Mila was last known to be alive.
I fell to the bench and made fists.
I pounded my hands against the stone bench.
Letting go, forgetting, moving on.
Fuck that - I wanted to just disappear.
I opened the door to the cabin and felt empty. I felt dead.
I went to the kitchen and wanted a drink. A really strong drink. When I looked at the cabinet where the whiskey was, I knew that would end badly. So fucking badly. If I drank whiskey I would end up gone for days.
There was beer in the fridge.
My thoughts were broken up by the picture Adley made for me.
I felt my heart ache.
I grabbed the picture and looked at it.
I hurt her. I hurt your mother, Adley.
The thought sickened me.
I dropped the picture and slammed a fist against the fridge. The entire thing shook.
“Fuck,” I growled.
What the fuck was I trying to prove? What the fuck was I trying to do? Become normal? Have a good life?
My phone started to ring and I saw it was Jerry calling.
I took the call and didn’t give him a chance to talk. “I already fucking said I wasn’t coming the fuck in. Leave me the hell alone, Jerry.”
I ended the call.
I threw my phone across the kitchen to the table.
The table.
There were roses on the table. The roses I bought for Lara.
Lara.
This was all her doing. She barged into my damn life and threw everything for a loop. All I did was do the right thing and save her ass from getting killed. Then what? Now we were in love? What the fuck did that even mean?
My mind raced with an uncomfortable fury.
I walked to the table and grabbed the vase.
Before I knew it, I was squeezing it so tight, the glass held no match to me.
It shattered in my hand, cutting me, glass and water falling to the floor. The thorns on the roses pricked at my skin as they dropped next.
“Syi?” a soft voice asked.
I looked up, needing to see Mila.
Instead, it was Lara.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I looked at my bleeding hand.
No, I’m not okay, and I’m not sorry for what has to happen next…
“Syi?”
She must have said my name five times.
I stepped forward, one of my massive boots smashing a rose. I felt the stem of the rose crunch like a fresh vegetable. The softness of the pedals, sliding against the floor, leaving a red smear that resembled blood.
“What happened?” Lara asked me.
“Nothing,” I said. “That’s what happened. Nothing.”
“Well, something happened with me. Calvin and Cindy want me to buy the flower shop. They want me…”
“To buy it?” I asked.
“Yes. They wanted to pass it along to Kim and Percy. But nobody wants it. Since I started working there I found little ways to make extra money for the place. And it all worked. So now they want me to buy it. I can’t believe it. My mind is racing with so many thoughts. It’s such huge risk, Syi. You know?”
I nodded. “Yeah. That’s… wow. What are you thinking?”
“Hey, your hand is bleeding. Did you drop the vase?”
I looked at my hand. “Just a cut.”
I walked away from Lara. I went to the bathroom and stood at the sink. I had a vision of me holding her against the sink. Looking down and seeing her bare legs for the first time. When she got stuck at the cabin and had to take a shower. All the things she had me feeling from the moment I met her.
I turned on the water and rinsed my hand. Blood swirled and went down the drain. Just a couple small cuts. Amazing how shards of glass could barely cut my calloused skin, yet a woman like Lara was able to get through my skin, into my heart… into my soul.
“Syi…”
I turned and Lara stood there. “Yeah?”
“Can I help you?”
“No,” I said.
I walked by her.
“Hey,” she said. “Did you go see…”
I froze right in the middle of the opening living room floor. I glanced up at the loft. The desk. The desk Mila never saw. The desk I was going to show her and tell her that it was her time to write the book. What book? Whatever one she wanted. I wanted to fully support her writing career and let her finally chase down a single dream and have it.
“I went there,” I said. “It was a waste of fucking time.”
“How? Why?”
I started to walk again.
I felt Lara chasing me.
Of course she was going to chase me. We were close now. It wasn’t like before. She felt comfortable enough to come after me.
When I got out on the porch, I had two choices. Keep going and walk in the woods to lose Lara. Or face her.
I grabbed the railing and glanced back. “Are you going to ride my ass for the rest of the day?”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“I was just asking…”
“Maybe you shouldn’t.”
“Okay. Then I won’t. Sorry. I wanted to see you, Syi. Tell you what happened. I’m in shock here. I wanted to check on you.”
I looked forward and saw her car. Bags stacked in the back. Like she was some college kid hitting the road. Or someone trying to work their way into the cabin. Into my cabin. Into the cabin I bought for Mila.
Fuck. I fucked up. I told her to move in. She’s taking me seriously on that shit now.
“You’re not doing it,” I growled.
“Doing what?”
“With the bags and shit,” I said. “What is that?”
“What is what?”
“Are you trying to move in here?”
“No.”
“Good.”
“What is your problem, Syi?”
“My problem? Everyone who has given up. Everyone who wants me to give up.”
“I don’t follow…”
I pushed from the railing. “It’s a fucking piece of grass. With some flowers. And her name. There’s nothing else there, Lara. Nothing. It’s a fucking joke. So everyone could go there and remember her? If you can’t close your eyes and remember her then you don’t deserve pretending to remember her. I’m the one who cares enough to be here. To look for her. And everyone wants me to stop. Including you.”
Lara’s eyes went wide. “I never said that.”
“That’s what you want. You want me to be there to fix everything you fuck up in your life.”
Lara gasped. She shook her head. “You’re an asshole, Syi.”
“That’s right. Throw your words at me, Lara. I’m not going to visit that stupid memorial and pretend that it’s okay. I’m not going to pretend that time makes everything all better. Fuck that.”
“I never said to do that,” she yelled. “I’m here for you. For whatever you need. I would never tell you to stop. Ever. Go get maps right now, Syi. You and me. Right now. We’ll start walking. We’ll go look as long as you need.”
“Why?” I growled. “Why do you care?”
She walked toward me. I was the frozen one. Unable to move. Under her command. Which I wasn’t used to.
She reached up and touched my face. “Because I love you, Syi. With everything left of my heart. And I know you love me the same. Two broken people… we can find the pieces and make it into something. There’s no letting go. There’s no moving on. There’s just whatever is in front of us. I’ll sleep in my car. You have your cabin. I just want you. The real you.”
“This is the real me,” I said. “Not the guy clouded by lust in the woods.”
“Lust in the woods?” she asked.
“I’m not doing this. What are we, huh? In a relationship? You leaving flowers on my table? Trying to bring clothes here?”
“Syi…”
“Your guy took off and fucked another woman. He got her pregnant. And you probably knew shit was going wrong for a long time. But never did anything about it. So don’t compare what you lost to what I did.”
She backed away. “That’s really what you want to do now? Compare?”
“You’re the one doing it, sugar. Not me. I could have left you on that bench that night.”
“But you didn’t. Because you have a heart.”
“No. Because I thought it was my chance to prove I could save her. By saving you, I could save her. What a fucked-up thing to think.”
“Yeah. You’re right about that one. What a fucked-up thing to think. You can go fuck yourself, Syi. I didn’t come here to invade you. I came here to be with you. I came here to tell you what happened. You’re the first person I thought of. All we’ve been through. I just…”
I saw the way she stared at me.
I’d seen that same look from Mila, especially toward the end. In fact, it was that same look that made me decide to buy the cabin. My last attempt at fixing everything I had broken.
And now it was happening again.
“I’m just going to go,” Lara whispered.
“Good,” I said.
I didn’t mean it.
But for me, this was my way of saving her.
Saving her from myself.
Because I was going to be the one to live in guilt for the rest of my life.
33
The Last Ride Down
(LARA)
When Thad left me, I collapsed at the door. My back to the door, hugging my knees, crying. He had the balls to stand outside the door and beg me not to get upset. Beg me to open the door and talk.
The same thing wasn’t going to happen with Syi.
He wanted to blame me for what happened to Mila? He wanted to get mad that I wasn’t her? That crushed whatever was left of my heart. I never once suggested he let her go. I never once suggested he stop looking. I never once suggested he forget about her.