by London Casey
I never would.
But he thought… fuck what he thought, then.
I walked away. I was going to do the right thing.
I got into my car without shedding a single tear.
I turned the car around without shedding a single tear.
I made damn sure Osiris saw me drive away as a strong, confident woman. Yeah, my entire life was stacked in the back of the car and in the trunk. I had no apartment. I had no job. All I had was the chance to buy my best friend’s parents’ flower shop. And thinking that just proved how crazy it all was.
In my attempt at getting over Thad and what he did, I fell for the wrong kind of guy. I fell for the hot guy in the woods. I thought we could love each other with a broken madness that would forever make sense.
I guess not.
I drove and watched the trees close in on the cabin like curtains to block the sun. The cabin was out of sight, which meant Osiris was out of sight. I wondered if that was it. I’d never see him again. Which meant I’d have to figure things out even more. Make a decision on the flower shop. Make a decision on where to live. Take the biggest risk of my life and jump into it with two feet. Walking away from the apartment I swore to myself on so many lonely nights was the place where Thad and I belonged until we found a house.
My phone started to ring.
It was Kim calling.
I let it go to voicemail.
My twisted heart spilled some anger and jealousy, wanting to blame Kim for all of this. If she hadn’t forced me on that camping trip…
I blinked fast, my eyes blurry with the tears.
I really did fall for him. Not just a stumble. Hell, not even a fall. I was thrown off a cliff for him. Because when I looked into Osiris’s eyes, I saw everything I saw in myself in the mirror.
Was that so unfair to want for the rest of my life?
Maybe he was right, though.
It wasn’t his job to save me. And to keep saving me.
I let out a sob, one of those ugly cry-baby sobs. My head bounced forward a little.
I started to make the turn which would then begin my final climb down the mountain. I started to cry harder when I heard a loud thud under my car.
Loud enough that I sucked in a breath, including snot and tears. My car jerked to the right a little but I was able to keep control. But my adventure wasn’t done just yet. I heard a whistling sort of sound and the car started to bump over and over.
I didn’t need to be a mechanic to realize what had happened.
My right front tire had popped.
“Of course,” I whispered.
I pulled to the side of the road. I looked forward and saw the descent down the mountain.
I opened the door and got out of the car.
Around the front and there it was. A totally flat tire. I didn’t need to look around to try and figure out what happened. This wasn’t some smooth paved road. This was a road made by trucks over the years, littered with jagged rocks. One of them did this, not that it actually mattered.
My phone was right there on the passenger seat of the my car. All I needed to do was call someone.
But who?
Osiris?
“No,” I whispered.
I wasn’t going to call him. He didn’t want me to bother him. I shouldn’t have let him go to Mila’s memorial by himself. The purpose wasn’t to let her go. It wasn’t to remember her. It was there to remind himself of what happened. And who she was. Even though she was gone, lost, never found, that didn’t mean there shouldn’t have been a place for her to be recognized.
Why didn’t those words come to me earlier?
I felt stupid. Standing there, realizing that I walked into his cabin to talk about my good news while he was crushed by what he saw. The broken vase and the roses on the floor. He did that himself.
I leaned forward and rested my chin on the roof of my car.
I could call Kim. Calvin. Percy. I could call anyone I wanted for help.
But I didn’t.
I almost hated myself for thinking it but without Osiris, I wanted nothing.
“No,” I whispered.
I wasn’t going to live like that. Not again.
I opened the passenger door but I quickly shut it again.
“No,” I repeated.
I turned and looked to the woods.
The last time I felt this empty was the night of the camping trip. When I got too drunk on rum and went for a walk and got lost. And who was there to find me?
Osiris.
I didn’t plan on him finding me again.
But I did plan on going for a walk.
When I took the first step into the woods, my mind reminded me of the dangers.
My heart simply smiled.
Danger was fine. Getting lost was fine.
Maybe it was my time to disappear.
34
She Was Gone Too
(OSIRIS)
I swung the axe and turned the log into kindling. I tried to balance the small pieces but they kept falling. So I turned and swung the axe, slamming it against a tree. I wrestled to get it out and swung again. Then again. Then again.
I finally swung it so hard it got stuck.
I pulled away and tried to catch my breath.
Then I started to walk.
I knew where I was going, but pretended I was just walking randomly.
When I saw the stone bench I wished I had the axe again. Maybe it was time to get rid of it. Smash it to pieces and throw it over the ridge. Then have Jerry come up with some equipment and chop down that fucking willow tree. I could let it dry out and then burn it. Watch every piece of that tree turn into ash.
How’s that for letting go?
I ran my hand across the uneven stone surface. I wasn’t going to lose myself again here. This time, I took a seat.
I sat and I thought.
I had a ton of shit on my mind. Michelle would always look to me for help with Adley. Dane would always have that chip on his shoulder about it. Adley would never forget me. She was going to get older and wonder why she lived with her aunt and uncle. Even if I was around, she’d eventually realize I wasn’t her father. Even if I helped to raise her, I was just… some guy.
Some fucking guy.
I gritted my teeth.
I could write it all down. Write down everything about Mila. The good times. The bad times. The happiness. The heartache. I could tell the truth about everything. Whatever I knew about her, I could write down. Give it to Michelle to keep and show Adley when she was ready for it.
I rubbed my chin.
That would fulfill what everyone wanted from me.
I heard the sound of a truck engine in the distance. When I looked up, I saw Jerry coming along the dirt road.
I sat back and groaned.
He stopped his truck in the middle of the road and got out. I knew the look on his face. He was either going to yell or fire me. Or both.
What he didn’t know was that if he tried either I was going to knock his ass out.
Jerry approached with caution.
“Not in the mood,” I called out.
“Neither am I,” he said. He pointed to the stone bench. “Can I sit?”
“No.”
Jerry took a seat anyway.
I curled my lip.
“I get it,” he said. “Everyone is entitled to act like a fool. So I brought you something.”
“What?”
He took an envelope from his pocket. “This is what I owe you.”
“For what?”
“Work,” he said. “I’m not going to have you in on the business, Syi. Take your money and figure something else out.”
I laughed. I grabbed the envelope and flicked it to the ground. “What’s it with you? Money, huh? Always fucking money.”
“Hey, I’m here for you to scream at,” Jerry said. “What happened?”
“I fucked everything up,” I said. “You know what happened to me. What happened right
here.”
“Damn shame.”
“Shame? That’s the word?”
“What do you want me to call it?” Jerry asked. “Huh? Tragic? Sad? Horrible? Scary? Come on, Syi, be fucking real for a second.”
“I am real,” I growled. “What the fuck do you know…”
“What the fuck do I know?” Jerry asked.
He reached into his pocket again. He took out a picture and gave it to me.
I unfolded it and it was a picture of Jerry and a woman.
“Abby,” Jerry said. “Abigail.”
“What is this?”
“My first wife,” Jerry said.
“What? I didn’t know you had a first wife.”
Jerry nodded. “Yeah. I did.”
“Why are you showing me this?”
Jerry reached for my arm. He blinked fast. “I’m here to tell you you’re not alone. My first wife… she’s gone, too.”
I looked at the picture again. Then at Jerry. “What happened?”
Jerry plucked the picture from my hand. “We were everything together. I was like you, Syi. I was this rough and tough mountain man guy. Just fat.” Jerry laughed. “Didn’t have the metabolism like you do to turn everything into muscle. She was a city kind of girl. She loved the woods. Loved the small town life, but she still dragged me to the city more than I care to admit to experience the lights and life. But it was just us. We loved. We fought. We made up. We fought again. I think we spent the same amount of time fighting and between the sheets. We were just so passionate about each other. So one day I stopped her mid-argument and asked her to marry me. She said yes. We argued about the wedding. We laughed about the wedding. We ended up skipping our own wedding because I snuck in to see her and ripped the dress off her body to have her again. We took off together, got married at a courthouse, and then bought a house smack dab between the city and the country. She ran an art gallery and I worked to save up and start my own company.”
Jerry paused and rubbed his face.
“What happened?” I asked.
Jerry looked at me. “Cancer. Out of nowhere. Less than a year into our marriage. She got this cough. And it wouldn’t go away. We went to the doctor and next thing I know, she’s gone. Completely inoperable. No chance at treatment. She’s just… gone.”
“Fuck,” I said. “Jerry, I had no idea.”
“I don’t talk about it.”
“Why tell me?”
“Because there’s life after it,” Jerry said. “You have to see that.”
I gritted my teeth. “And your wife now?”
“She knows everything. She was there for years with me over it. She knows now it still hurts. There’s no letting go and getting over something like that. I love my first wife with all my heart. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife now. It’s a different time and life.”
“You’re telling me what to do, aren’t you?”
“No,” Jerry said. “Not at all. If you want to spend the rest of your life in that cabin, hiding and grieving, that’s up to you. There’s no shame in it. But you’re missing what’s waiting in this new life. Partnering with me. Growing the business. And that woman you had me help.”
“Lara.”
“Yeah. If she even remotely understands what you’re going through then you grab and hold her tight. Don’t fuck around with that.”
I sat there in silence.
Jerry sat with me.
I lowered my head. Jerry put a hand on my back.
Crying wasn’t my strong suit. And if Jerry ever mentioned it to any of the guys I’d string him up by his tighty-whitey’s with a crane.
“I still get it,” Jerry said. “I would give anything to have her back. But then I look at my wife now and realize I got lucky. I got another chance.”
I nodded. “She’s gone because of me, Jerry. Not cancer.”
“She’s gone because she’s gone,” Jerry said. “Don’t do that to yourself.”
I sucked in a breath and leaned forward. I grabbed the envelope. I tore it up and gave it to Jerry.
“Good choice,” Jerry said.
“You need me,” I said.
Jerry laughed. “Actually, that check won’t clear. Thanks for not calling my bluff.”
I grinned. “Fucking asshole.”
Jerry stood up. “If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. You want to grab a beer, call me. You want to meet here and talk, call me.”
“Thank you, Jerry,” I said.
“Take care of yourself, Syi. And don’t fuck me over again on a work day. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Jerry got into his truck and drove away.
I stood there alone. I turned and faced the stone bench and the tree.
I started to nod.
Then I started to run.
I ran back to the cabin and got my keys. I had to catch up to her. I had to save her one more time.
I had to tell her she was the one saving my ass. My stubborn mountain man ass.
“Fuck,” I growled when I got behind the wheel of my truck.
Lara needed to get ready for what waited for us.
We were going to love. We were going to fight. We were going to spend a lot of time between the sheets making up.
I drove fast, my truck bouncing on the rocks and bumps in the road.
I approached the bend and hurried to slam on the brakes. The end of my truck cut to the left. I put the truck in park and jumped out.
It was a scene I never wanted to see. Again.
I saw the car.
I saw the driver’s door open.
It was Lara’s car.
But Lara was nowhere in sight.
35
Forever Found
(OSIRIS)
I ran into the woods, my heart pumping hard. It took me back to that day. To finding Mila’s car without Mila inside. Adley in the back, in her carseat, looking terrified. I had to soothe Adley and then look for Mila. I wasn’t sure how long I looked for her but eventually I had to make the hardest call of my life. I had to call for emergency help but Mila was gone.
This time was different.
Literally ten seconds into the woods I found Lara.
She was sitting on a tree stump. Completely out of place. Completely beautiful.
“Lara!” I called for her.
She looked at me. Then she shook her head. “No.”
“What are you doing?”
“Got a flat tire,” she said.
I grabbed my jaw and ran my hand down my beard. “So you walked into the woods?”
“Can you just leave me alone, Syi?”
I took a step. I stopped. I took the step back. Then I took it again.
“No,” I said.
“What?” she asked.
“No. Fuck no. I won’t leave you alone.” I walked to her and crouched down in front of her. “I will never leave you alone, Lara. You’re forever found in my eyes. In my heart.”
“Syi…”
“No. You’re going to listen to me. I was the one lost in these woods, not you. You found me. You saved me. You protected me from myself. I shouldn’t have said what I said before. Seeing that memorial… that’s not what it should have been for her. I should have been more involved. Make everyone realize who she was and why she was gone. But it doesn’t matter now. I’ll never have that piece of truth and nobody will. I’ve got to share that with Adley. It’s all riding on my shoulders, sugar. So I don’t fuck this up with Adley again.”
“I know that, Syi,” Lara whispered. “I know that. I want to be there for you and with you. I can’t carry you, you big, dumb, lumberjack freak of nature. But that doesn’t mean I can’t love you.”
“Oh, sugar,” I said. I reached for her face and stroked her cheek. “You do carry me.”
Lara sniffled. “What do we do, Syi?”
“I don’t have a fucking clue, Lara. My mind won’t stop racing. I’ve got to find a way to make everything work with Adley. And make damn sure she kn
ows that Michelle and Dane are her parents. Not me. I won’t raise her. I’m not good enough to raise her.”
“Yes you are.”
“Not like they are. She deserves the best and they are the best. I’m going to be there for her. I’m going to visit. I’m going to see every school event. Every play, dance, sporting event. Whatever she does. And I’ll forever look at her knowing that someday she and I are going to have more than one conversation where I have to break her little heart. But at least I know when I do that she’ll go home to Michelle and Dane for the love and comfort she’s used to.”
Lara swallowed hard. “I don’t like that system.”
I sighed. “I don’t like it either.”
“It’s not fair to you.”
“I know. But it’s not fair to Adley either. She’ll never know who her father is. I was the closest to a father but she has something better. I’ll make my peace knowing that she thinks of me and that I can absorb any of her pain and her anger.”
“You’re such a good man, Syi. You need to see that now.”
“I’ll try my best, sugar.”
Lara grabbed my beard with force. “No. You are a good man. I don’t care about who you were. I’m looking at who you are right now.”
“Right now, you have me scared.”
“Why?”
“Your car. The side of the road. Door open.”
Lara’s face dropped. “Oh, fuck. Syi.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have…”
“It just proved to me what you mean. I can’t lose you, Lara. I can’t come close to losing you. Ever. I want you to buy that flower shop if you want it. I want you to live where you’re happy. If you need me, I’m there. But I won’t get in your way. You’re strong. So much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You better realize that.”
Lara grinned and then mocked me. “I’ll try my best, sugar.”
I laughed. I slid my hands to her waist and pulled her off the tree stump. I stood up, holding her.
The moment her lips touched mine I felt okay. I felt safe. I felt protected. I felt found.
I carried her through the woods back to the road.