by Lois Richer
Love for Neil and the utter helplessness of not being able to help him, to save him from the horror he’d gone through and the aftermath his brother had suffered getting out of his negative lifestyle remained a hard lump of guilt in Ben’s gut. He hadn’t done enough—should have done more.
Now he had to do the best thing he could for Mikey. Though he loved the boy dearly, he couldn’t give in to those dreamy possibilities that tantalized him in the stillness of the night. He dared not let himself believe he could be Mikey’s parent because he couldn’t risk failing Mikey as he had Neil. As he had Issa.
“What about you, Victoria?” Ben asked when they’d entered the Chokecherry Hollow library, after Mikey dragged Thea off to meet his friend, Garnet. “Don’t you want to fall in love, get married?”
“Once, that was all I wanted.” Her face grew wistful as she murmured, “A husband who loved me, my own family to cherish—that was my heart’s fondest wish.”
“It isn’t now?” he asked, following when she shook off her bemusement and walked toward the big, comfy chair where she’d sit to read.
“Now it’s time to grow up and face reality, Ben.” Her tone was firm and, for Victoria, a bit cold. “I threw away my chance to have that dream.”
“So have another dream. You’re young. You’ll meet…” He stopped, suddenly inexplicably uncomfortable with the idea of Victoria finding love. Which was silly because he wanted her to be happy.
“What man is going to take on someone else’s child, Ben?” A tight smile lifted her lips. “Even if there was such a person, I don’t have the time or the inclination to look for him. I’ve got my hands full with the aunts’ project and having this baby. Prince Charming will have to take a back seat because my aunts and my baby come first.”
As Victoria busied herself preparing, Ben glanced at the clock. His doctor’s appointment was in five minutes. After promising to return to the library when he was finished, he walked to the medical clinic, where he received a clean bill of health from the doctor. Ben exited the office with a light heart. Now he could really help Jake around The Haven and maybe earn some of his keep before he left.
He was deep in thought about that and Victoria’s ideas for the aunts’ dream when a window display in one of the shops caught his eye. A long robe the color of expensive pearls hung invisibly supported, looking as if it had been spun out of silk. Immediately Ben envisioned Victoria wearing it, children gathered around her skirt while she gazed adoringly at their father, a faceless man with a build much like his own. His brain skittered away from that.
Neil had told him Alice loved it during her pregnancy when he’d bought her gifts, that they made her feel pretty when she didn’t think she was. Who, Ben wondered, would buy Victoria special things? Who would be there to tell her she was pretty when pregnancy overwhelmed her?
It couldn’t be him. He’d be gone in six weeks or so. Besides, Victoria had her aunts and her foster sisters to support her. She didn’t need him. Ben told himself to walk on.
But he couldn’t stop staring at the beautiful robe. A nearby church chimed the hour and he realized he should be at the library. And yet…
Ben walked inside the shop, pointed to the garment and asked about it.
“It’s a bit costly,” the salesperson explained. “That’s because it’s hand-crocheted.”
Ben gulped when she told him the price. But how did you put a value on the welcome Victoria had given him, the love she kept showering on Mikey? How could a robe ever repay her for her generosity?
“I’ll take it. And that book about pregnancy,” he said.
Ben walked out of the store feeling a little embarrassed by the maternity-labeled bag, but glad he’d bought both the robe and the book. A sign reminding that Valentine’s Day wasn’t far off made him enter the next store and buy two pounds of fudge, maple-walnut for Tillie and bittersweet chocolate for Margaret. And he bought a chocolate car for Mikey. He’d give Victoria the wooden box he’d made for Valentine’s Day.
The fudge store gave him a big bag to put everything inside, hiding the maternity-labeled bag. When Ben arrived at the library, Victoria was chatting with a group of moms and Thea was entertaining a toddler. Since Mikey and his friend were playing with paper airplanes Victoria had taught them to build during her story, Ben sat down to wait. His gaze automatically rested on Victoria.
“He’s such a sweetie,” she said, face glowing as she grazed her forefinger against the cheek of a newborn cradled in his mother’s arms. “How are you doing?”
“I’m dead-tired all the time,” the new mom responded with a sigh. “It’s a struggle to even shower some mornings. But Terry’s been great at taking over.”
“It must be hard, Darla. But a friend of mine said something that might help you. She said she got through the tough times by remembering that it wouldn’t last forever, and that one day she’d wish she could hold that baby again.” Victoria bent and pressed a kiss to the infant’s cheek. “Realizing that helped her treasure the moments even when she was dead-tired.”
“Good advice. It seems like just last week that I was going through this with Garnet and now he’s so busy. Sometimes I wish I could hold him for a moment longer, but he wriggles away.” Both women turned to watch Mikey and Garnet with fond smiles.
Then Victoria noticed Ben. She nodded at him, excused herself and called to Thea. Within minutes, the two had packed up their supplies. Having just overheard how tired Garnet’s mom was, Ben had an idea.
“Would it be okay to invite Garnet to play at The Haven with Mikey one afternoon?” he asked Victoria. “Maybe it would give his mom a break. I didn’t realize she had a new baby.”
“That’s kind of you. I think Darla would appreciate that.”
Her smile was enough to chase away all Ben’s doubts about buying the robe for her. He wasn’t sure when he’d give it to her, but he was pretty sure she’d like it.
With everything packed, she turned to him. “What did the doctor say?”
“I’m good as new,” he reported. “It’s going to be a bit of a wait for you while I’m at the seniors’ center though. I saw a ton of cars in their parking lot.”
“Could we have lunch in town and then go skating while you do your computer thing?” Thea suggested before high-fiving a grinning Mikey.
“You don’t have skates.” Ben studied Victoria, trying to find a way to say he didn’t think she should be skating and knowing he didn’t have the right to offer her that advice.
“Maybe we can rent them?” Thea looked at Victoria whose face had grown pensive as she studied her Little Sister.
“You still like skating, huh, Thea?” Victoria seemed surprised.
“I know you thought I’d grow out of it, but ever since you took us skating last year, I’ve been addicted.” Thea glibly listed the current reigning Canadian male and female figure skaters. “I’m saving up to buy a new pair of skates so I can skate like them. My feet are too big for the ones you bought me at that yard sale last year, Vic.” Her eyes widened. “Hey! Too bad you couldn’t make a skating rink at The Haven. I’d love to skate outdoors.”
“It’s an idea.” Victoria met Ben’s glance with a secretive smile then said, “So, lunch in town, Major. What are you thinking?”
“Burgers. Big, fat, juicy ones,” he said. “Or not,” he immediately backtracked because the expression on her face made him think burgers probably weren’t the healthiest choice for kids.
“Burgers it is,” Victoria agreed before he could change his mind. “There’s a place across the street that makes their own. Want to try it?”
“It’s up to you,” Ben told her.
“I’m good with that.” She smiled, but something hid behind the faint tilt of her lips that he didn’t understand.
“If we’re going skating after lunch, why don’t we ask if Garnet can come with us for lunch and then skating?” Thea asked.
“You’re such a clever girl.” Victoria hugged her briefly, her fa
ce soft with love. Then she hurried to stop the departing mom. Darla grinned before nodding at Garnet who raced toward Mikey. Victoria followed. “All set, everyone?”
Outside, they waited for the village traffic to allow them to cross the street, the two boys in front with Thea who’d apparently decided to play babysitter.
“We don’t have to eat hamburgers if you’d rather not,” Ben said quietly.
“It’s fine.” Victoria glanced down the street and frowned. “Oh. It’s gone.”
“What is?” He studied the building in front of him. “Little Joe’s Burgers? The sign says it’s open. Or isn’t this the place you meant?”
“There was a robe on display—” Her smile seemed forced. “Never mind.”
Ben held the door then followed them to a table. The aroma of frying onions made his stomach growl. By contrast, Victoria held one glove over her nose as she slid into a booth across from Thea, Garnet and Mikey.
“Okay?” he asked while Thea explained the menu to the two boys.
“Yes.” Victoria’s response didn’t reassure him and he guessed his face showed it because she admitted, “Sometimes certain smells like frying onions make me a bit queasy. I’ll be fine.”
But the way she grabbed the water glass their server delivered and swallowed half of it belied her comment. He ordered his burger without onions to spare her. Mikey’s burger was plain like Garnet’s, and Thea wanted soup.
“I love soup,” she said, closing her eyes in what Ben was coming to recognize her naturally dramatic tone.
Victoria’s order made Ben blink.
“Can I have half a cantaloupe?” When the server nodded, she grinned. “With a scoop of ice cream, toast and peanut butter and a dill pickle?”
Talk about queasy. But the server nodded and departed as if used to such unusual requests.
“Interesting combination,” Ben murmured while the two boys listened to Thea’s explanation about figure skater’s clothes.
“Goofy, I know.” Victoria shrugged. “But that’s what I’m craving. I think it comes with the territory.” She patted her stomach.
“So how else can I help with this dinner next Thursday?” Ben couldn’t fathom how a dining room, even one as large as The Haven’s would hold forty.
“Party meals at The Haven work best in the dining room because that table extends to ten feet. People can work their way around it, choose their food and mingle as they eat,” Victoria explained, her enthusiasm obvious.
“What about chairs?” he wondered. Or did they eat standing up?
“The aunts bought a bunch of collapsible chairs eons ago when they were holding Bible studies at The Haven. They’re stored in one of the garages,” she said in an airy tone that showed no stress about hosting so many people. “If you and Jake bring those in on Wednesday, we could clean them up and set them around. I’ll order a couple of table arrangements and choose some music and that’s about it.”
“You make it sound simple to feed such a large group.” Ben blinked.
“The hard work is the menu and Adele’s an expert at that. The rest isn’t rocket science. We’ve done it many times.” Victoria chuckled. “When we moved here, we girls soon learned that Aunt Tillie and Margaret love any excuse for a party.”
But forty people? Ben couldn’t quite believe she was so calm.
“The youth group will serve punch and hot drinks. They’ll also clear up the dishes.” Victoria chuckled at his expression. “They love to do it. My aunts pay them and they use the money for youth group excursions. Their last one was a weekend trip to the water park at the West Edmonton Mall before Christmas. They presented a slideshow about it at church and it was hilarious.”
“I don’t have to be at the dinner though, right?” Ben asked diffidently. “I mean, I’m not part of your family or community…” Odd how left out that made him feel.
“Of course you must be at our party,” Victoria insisted. “The aunts have been talking you up nonstop. Everyone wants to meet our UN peacekeeper.”
“Oh.” Ben was glad their food arrived, because now he was nervous about Thursday. “Well, if I can help, just ask.”
While the males dug into their burgers and Thea raved about her soup, Victoria carefully spread a lavish amount of peanut butter on her toast, added circles of pickle on top and took tiny bites of it, alternating with the melon.
“How is it?” he asked curiously.
“Excellent. Want to try?” Victoria held out a piece of toast, shrugged when he declined then popped it into her mouth. “So good,” she said with a rapt expression.
“I’ve heard pickles are a favorite of ladies—” Suddenly aware of Thea’s attention, he clipped off the rest of his comment.
“Vic always eats peanut butter and dill pickles. She keeps a couple of extra jars of both at her place so she doesn’t run out.” Thea made a face. “My sisters and I tried it once. It wasn’t our favorite.”
“More for me.” Undeterred, Victoria finished her lunch then asked for hot tea.
“Can I have some, too?” Thea asked and added, “Please?” when the server wisely looked at Victoria for permission.
“Since it’s herbal and decaf, yes. You’re too young for caffeine.” The words were firm but there was a gentle, loving sound in them that revealed Victoria’s fondness for Thea.
Ben considered the way she dealt with the children. She didn’t seem to doubt her decisions or second-guess her choices. Nothing seemed to overwhelm Victoria. She handled the obstacles that came along in her life with a serenity he envied. He would never feel such poise and confidence if he took on parenting Mikey. Every single decision seemed rife with the possibility of failure.
But then Victoria hadn’t made the mistakes he had.
*
Chilly and tired after two hours of supervising skating, Victoria sat in a corner of the seniors’ center, intrigued by the sight of quiet, reserved Ben in the role of teacher. A tiny smile curved her lips as he patiently explained, for the third time, how to import pictures from a camera chip.
Sprawled in a chair beside her, Thea appeared totally engrossed in a skating magazine that Victoria had purchased at the local drugstore. Mikey and Garnet were quietly playing nearby with the dinky cars she’d bought at the same time. That left Victoria free to watch Ben; as if she could help it.
He was like no man Victoria had ever known. The seniors held his complete attention. He didn’t seem to care how long it took him; he patiently made sure whoever needed him received help. Nor did he appear to mind when one of the elderly ladies accidentally spilled her coffee on his shirt, or that the hard-of-hearing gent to his left kept asking him to repeat everything. Ben was on a mission to make sure every single attendee would be able to get their photos in an album on the computer and nothing was going to stop him.
Wouldn’t it be amazing to have someone like that, someone so confident, assured and willing to do what was needed—wouldn’t it be wonderful to have Ben in her world all the time?
Silly. She couldn’t think that way. Ben wasn’t staying. And anyway, he didn’t feel he could handle Mikey in his life full-time. How could he possibly deal with a new baby? If only…
Victoria’s gaze traveled to Mikey and rested on his happy face, his wide grin. She noticed the way he engaged with Garnet. This Mikey was a far cry from the withdrawn little boy who’d arrived at The Haven during the first week of January, scared of the dogs and the dark. He still mentioned his parents, but mostly with happy memories. There were fewer tearful moments. But Ben’s imminent departure and how that would affect this sweet child worried her. Somehow she had to help Ben realize he was capable of fathering.
Victoria’s ringing phone interrupted her thoughts. She moved to a quieter corner as she listened to Thea’s social worker explain in hurried detail why she wouldn’t be able to pick up the girl over the weekend as they’d discussed last night.
“I’m so sorry. Naturally you can’t leave in the middle of such a situation.
Too bad her foster mom’s down with the flu.” She deliberately kept her back to Thea. “What can I do to help?”
The response was unsettling and there was little time to mull it over because Ben finished up his class and joined her.
“I’ll think about it and let you know tonight,” she promised before hanging up.
“Something wrong?” he asked as they walked out to the car. “Did Mikey cause a problem?”
“No, skating was great.” Victoria forced away her concern as they dropped off Garnet and during the drive home.
Since the aunts had dinner ready to serve and the children were full of stories in between bites, there was no need for Victoria to make conversation. Once the kitchen was cleaned up, Ben left to put Mikey to bed. When Thea went to her room, as well, Victoria informed Tillie and Margaret of her phone call.
“Will the girl go to school here, then?” Margaret asked worriedly. “She’s already missed several days.”
“Elaine, her social worker, asked if I could take Thea to Edmonton,” Victoria explained. “It might be a good idea. Since I don’t intend to return there in the immediate future, I could use this trip to vacate my apartment.”
“You’re staying here? For good?” Tillie clasped her hands together, her eyes glossy with tears. “How wonderful!”
“It surely is. But, my dear, how can you make such a long trip let alone pack up when you’re still feeling poorly? And our dinner is next week.” Margaret’s frown told Victoria she was considering all the angles.
“I’ll manage,” she responded, ducking her head as her cheeks burned with shame. Sooner or later, she was going to have to tell them about the baby. “I actually don’t have tons to move. I’d planned to replace my old college furniture anyway so I’ll donate it to charity.” She couldn’t sit still any longer. “I’m going for a walk to think through everything.”
“Take a flashlight, dear.” The aunts were used to her walks. They understood she needed space to wrap her mind around a problem.