by Lois Richer
Outside, the full moon reflected off the snow like a massive streetlight. With no wind, the grounds were eerily silent. Only the sound of her footsteps crunching through the crusted snow echoed back to her. Victoria walked all the way down the driveway and back. Finally tired yet still without answers, she brushed the snow off the cement table on the patio and sat down.
“I know I have to tell them, God.” Victoria cringed at the hurt she knew she’d see on her aunts’ precious faces. But she couldn’t stay here with them and keep living a lie, pretending nothing had changed.
“Are you all right?” The low rumble of Ben’s voice was like a comforting blanket. His hip nudged hers as he sat beside her. “What are you doing out here, Victoria?”
“Trying to figure a way out of the hole I’ve dug for myself,” she muttered.
“You’re making too much of it. Your aunts love you.” Funny how he immediately understood her battle. “They’ll be delighted to embrace you and your baby.”
“How do you know that, Ben?” she whispered. “How can you be so certain? You barely know them.”
“I know you. I know your heart,” he answered calmly. “I know they helped shape you into the woman you’ve become. Thoughtful, kind, generous, considerate. You love them and they love you.”
“But is love enough?”
“That’s funny coming from you.” When she looked at him, he was smiling. “Aren’t you the one who believes love conquers everything?” He grabbed her gloved hand and wrapped his own around it, his expression earnest. “When Thea made a mistake and ran away, how did you feel?”
“Sorry that she made that mistake,” Victoria said while thinking how handsome he was. “Sorry for the pain it caused her, that she had to go through it.”
“You don’t love her any less?” He kept his gaze on her face, watching her reaction. “You aren’t ashamed of her or embarrassed that she made that mistake?”
“Of course not.” Victoria didn’t try to mask her indignation. “Everyone makes mistakes. She’s my Little Sister and I love her. That won’t change.”
“Exactly,” he said, his grin stretching wide. “So why would you even imagine that your aunts are going to feel differently about you when they learn you made a mistake?”
“The consequences are a little more severe in my case, Ben,” she said in a droll tone.
He was silent for a long time. That was okay with Victoria—it gave her time to think. But clarity was hard to find with him sitting so near, holding her hand.
“When Neil got married, I was his best man. He was terrified he was going to forget the old-fashioned vows he and Alice had chosen,” he said, a hint of loss in the quiet words.
Victoria squeezed his hand for comfort, unsure of what he was leading up to.
“It’s funny how I keep remembering those words. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. So long as we both shall live. That’s the promise they made to each other.” Ben shifted so he could look fully into her face. “I think those words say exactly what love really means—that you’ll be there for the other person no matter what mistakes they make. Right?”
“Exactly right, Ben,” Victoria whispered past the lump in her throat. What a man. Why hadn’t she met him first?
“The more I learn about God, the more I understand that’s exactly the kind of love He offers us. Unconditional.” Noting her shiver, Ben slid his arm around her waist and drew her close to his side. “Tell your aunts, Victoria,” he said very quietly, his warm breath brushing her ear. “Tell them and let yourself off the hook.”
“When?”
“As soon as possible.”
It felt so right to stay there, to lay her head on his shoulder and watch the northern lights dance. She’d sat here a hundred times before, seen the sky blaze and flare so often, but not once had she felt this intense connection with someone, as if this was where she belonged. And Ben was part of it.
But Ben was leaving.
“I’ll tell them tonight,” she said with a sigh, then added, “I need you to pray, Ben.” An idea sprang. “Would you also be there with me?”
“This is private, between you and your aunts,” he protested. “I’m the outsider.”
“No.” Victoria hated to leave the sweet comfort he offered but she rose, dusted off the snow and faced him. “This is your home now, Ben. You’re a part of our family. Please, will you be there, help me face them?”
He studied her for a long time, his face a mask hiding his thoughts. Finally he gave a nod.
“If you want me to, I’ll be there,” he said. “Praying.”
“Thank you, Ben. Thank you very much.” Relieved, Victoria started walking toward The Haven’s back door, comforted that he was at her side.
But as they shed their coats and went to find Tillie and Margaret, a little voice inside Victoria’s head chanted, Don’t get used to it, girl. Ben’s not going to be here every time you need him.
With firm deliberation, she shut off the voice and faced the two women who’d loved her through everything the past fifteen years had brought.
“Aunties,” she said, sinking onto the hearth, in front of the family room’s roaring fire. “I need to tell you something.”
Chapter Eight
Ben’s heart ached for Victoria. Her face was paler than he’d ever seen it as she tearfully confessed to her aunts.
“I’m so sorry. I know you taught me better than that. I know you’ll be embarrassed and ashamed when I get as big as a house,” she spluttered, the tears freely tumbling down her cheeks. “Maybe you won’t even want me here. I won’t be much of an example to the foster kids.”
“A baby.” Tillie couldn’t seem to get past that. Her eyes glowed with excitement as she stared into the fire. “A baby at The Haven.”
“I wondered how long you’d wait to tell us.” Margaret’s face had softened, too. “I guessed the truth some time ago, Victoria. I’m just sorry you felt you had to keep it from us. We love you, dear. No matter what. Don’t you understand that?”
“But—”
Margaret held up a hand for silence.
“Have you asked God for forgiveness?” Her face stern, she waited for Victoria’s nod.
“A thousand times, Auntie.” Victoria scrubbed the tears from her face.
“Why a thousand times?” Tillie asked. “Our Father is gracious and forgiving. He doesn’t need you to beg Him. From the moment you asked, He put it in the past, to be remembered no more.”
“I know but—”
“That doesn’t mean there won’t be issues and hardships to deal with,” Margaret said bluntly. “But we shall deal with them together. As we always have.”
“Yes.” Tillie grinned at her sister. “But we’ve never had a baby at The Haven before.”
Ben remained silent as the three embraced and then began chatting about all things baby. Once more, he felt outside the circle, a mere spectator. But that was only for a moment.
“Ben guessed, too,” Victoria said and tossed a smile at him. “He’s been urging me to tell you.”
“Major Ben has a good head on his shoulders.” Tillie rose to hug him then mused, “I’ll need to knit the baby a blanket. What color, I wonder?”
“You’re bound to get tired, Victoria. Are you sure these changes for The Haven are doable for you?” Margaret studied her with a frown. “We don’t want you ill or run down.”
“It will be a challenge,” Victoria agreed. “But I can get help from you and Jake and my sisters. And Ben will help…while he’s here.” She added on the last part almost as an afterthought.
“I’ll gladly do whatever I can,” he agreed while wondering if Victoria had been reminding him that he wasn’t staying here forever, despite her insistence that The Haven was his home.
“We’ll take it one step at a time,” Margaret said firmly. “After all, this is the Lord’s project and He knows all about what we’ll face.”
“I know it’s Valentine�
�s Day tomorrow but I’ve decided to take Thea to Edmonton. While I’m there, I’ll pack up my stuff. I’m moving home to The Haven again, Aunties.” Her grin was huge when the ladies cheered.
“Mikey and I will go with you, if you don’t mind, Victoria.” Ben smiled at her surprise. “I want to see the insurance people and there are several estate matters I need to deal with.”
“Are you sure you’re not coming just to make sure I don’t change my mind about staying?” she teased.
“Maybe.” For some reason, the thought of Victoria seeing her former boyfriend irritated Ben, which was silly. “Mostly I’m coming to help with whatever needs doing.”
“You’re very sweet, Ben.” She cupped his cheek in her palm, her gray eyes softening with her smile. “Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”
Half an hour later, Ben excused himself so the three ladies could have some private time. But Victoria stopped him by wrapping her arms around him in a big hug.
“I can’t tell you how much it helped to know you were there praying for me,” she whispered when she finally drew away.
With his heart racing, Ben took a moment before responding. “I’m glad, but I knew it would go well. They love you, Victoria. They were never going to condemn you. How early do you want to start out tomorrow?”
She suggested a time. He bid everyone good-night and went to his room. But sleep was elusive. Ben couldn’t seem to stop comparing the risks Victoria was prepared to take to become a mother with the risks he was afraid to take with Mikey. Was he doing the right thing? Would he one day regret the time he hadn’t spent with his nephew, the love he hadn’t built on? Would he wish he’d at least tried to father Mikey, mistakes and all?
What’s the right thing to do? he prayed silently. Isn’t it better for Mikey to have two parents than one bachelor uncle who doesn’t know anything about raising a child?
Ben picked up his phone and reread the message he’d received that morning.
Please confirm your intent to return to your post on April 10 as per earlier arrangements.
He needed to send his confirmation to his commanding officer who’d then notify command. But doubts about that response plagued him. Was it really more important to guard people in Africa than it was to ensure Neil’s son was safe and happy?
Ben tried to clear his mind and force himself to relax. It would be enough to deal with his brother’s affairs in Edmonton and to help Victoria. Hopefully he wouldn’t have time to rethink his decision about Mikey. But he couldn’t rest.
So Ben rose before dawn, showered and then spent time with his Bible and in prayer. At six, he snuck downstairs and laid out his Valentine’s gifts and cards, made coffee. Then he hurried back to his room when he heard someone stirring. Ten minutes later, he woke Mikey to prepare him for the journey.
“Where we goin’, Unca Ben?” Mikey climbed onto Ben’s knee, buried his head against his chest and yawned.
“We’re going on a trip.” Ben inhaled the little-boy-freshly-woken scent of him, savoring the moment and his bond with this sweet child. “We’re going with Victoria to Edmonton.” He wasn’t sure how much to say.
“That’s where I live.” Mikey sat up straight, his face puzzled. “Are we goin’ to my old house to see Mommy and Daddy?”
“No, Mikey.” Ben swallowed and spoke past the lump in his throat. “They’re in Heaven, remember?” Please don’t make me go through this again, he prayed silently.
“With God, right?” Mikey nestled against him again. “Are we going to see the place then?”
The place was Mikey-speak for the cemetery where his parents’ graves were.
“We can, if you want to.” Should he have said no, kept the boy away from that sad place? Or was it healthy for him to see the graves? The weight of these decisions was what bothered Ben. He never felt comfortable with his choices, always questioned his decisions.
“I could show Vic.” Mikey yawned again. “It’s still dark outside, Unca Ben.”
“I know. It’s really early. That’s why we have to be quiet while we get ready.”
“’Cause the aunties are still sleeping, right?” Mikey asked.
“Right.” Ben smiled as he helped his nephew wash up, don warm pants, thick socks and a heavy sweater. He relished the sweet pleasure of Mikey’s nonstop chatter. When it dawned on him that soon someone else would be in his place, watching this child grow and change through a host of mornings, a gush of sadness filled him.
“Are we having breakfast now?” Mikey asked after he’d helped make his bed.
“Yes. Quietly now as we go downstairs.” He smothered his chuckle as Mikey tiptoed in an exaggerated fashion down each stair tread and then across the hardwood floor into the kitchen.
Mikey’s silence was completely ruined by his shriek of joy at finding Victoria and Thea already in the kitchen examining the gifts.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone,” Ben said as he entered.
Thea thanked him profusely for the new book on skating and Mikey for his chocolate car. Victoria praised him effusively for the box, complimenting his woodworking skill. Assured by her that Tillie and Margaret would love the fudge he’d left in their study, Ben poured himself coffee and sat down, wondering if he should have left the robe, too, yet somehow feeling it was more appropriate for a special occasion.
“Unca Ben tol’ me we’re goin’ on a trip.” Mikey frowned at the bowl Victoria set in front of him. “What’s that?” His nose wrinkled and turned up.
“It’s porridge, my most favorite thing to eat in the morning.” She winked at Ben as she set a bowl for him, one for Thea and a smaller one for herself.
Ben was relieved that Victoria didn’t look as pale as usual this morning. In fact, there was an air about her that said she was anticipating a return to the city. He sure hoped that glow didn’t come from thoughts of meeting her former boyfriend, though he quickly forgot that when she sat down beside him and smiled, gray eyes sparkling.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Ben.”
“And to you, Victoria.”
Mikey had tasted the cereal and was not happy.
“C’n I have toast? Please.” He tossed a worried sideways glance at Ben who had to choke back his amusement at the little boy’s extreme politeness.
“Wait. You have to taste it with this. Like Thea is.” Victoria poured maple syrup on top, added a pinch of cinnamon and some milk and then held out a spoon. “Try it now.”
Mikey looked at Ben again with a look that clearly asked, Do I have to? Ben wasn’t sure what to do. He figured he was supposed to encourage the kid so he’d have new experiences, but on the other hand, maybe forcing him would cause some psychological trauma. Confused, he remained silent.
“Try it, Mikey,” Thea urged.
“Please?” Victoria softly pleaded. “If you don’t like it, I promise I’ll make you toast.”
“With peanut butter? I really like peanut butter,” Mikey informed her.
When she nodded, he slowly picked up his spoon and gingerly dipped it into the cereal. With an infinitesimal amount of porridge barely visible on the tip of the spoon, he inhaled deeply before pushing it a fraction of an inch into his mouth. A second later, his eyes widened and he took a second helping, a full spoonful this time.
“So?” Victoria asked, her grin peeking out.
“It’s dee-lish,” Mikey exclaimed.
Ben made a mental note. Get him to taste without force. How did Victoria know to do that? He put it down to her training to be a teacher, choosing to ignore his brain’s reminder that she hadn’t taught very long. Women were natural nurturers, he decided then winced.
“Nurturing doesn’t have to do with whether you’re a man or a woman,” his sister-in-law, Alice, had once scolded him. “It has to do with your heart, Ben, and whether or not you’re willing to let it be open enough to consider others’ needs before your own.”
Whatever it took to be a nurturer, Victoria certainly had it in spades.
Ben watched her give handmade cards to the two children and he accepted Mikey’s valentine. He admired Victoria’s ease with Mikey and Thea as she teased and joked with them, but he was also a little jealous. If only he could relax like that instead of feeling so uptight and nervous about every decision related to Mikey.
Yet Ben was infinitely glad Victoria was there, showing him without words what skills a caregiver needed. If nothing else, learning from her ought to make him better able to judge the appropriate parents for Mikey.
When Thea took Mikey to wash his hands and face, Victoria set an envelope on the table. “This is for you.”
“Thank you.” Ben opened it slowly and found a handmade card with a Bible verse and careful printing that said, Happy Valentine’s Day. Glad you could share this day with us. “I’m glad, too,” he said, slightly amazed by how true that was. “You look better this morning, Victoria. No morning sickness?”
“Earlier.” She made a face. “If I get up and get it over with, I can get on with my day.”
He was going to ask how early she’d had to get up to do that but didn’t because the children had returned. It took a few minutes to stow their bags in Victoria’s SUV and say goodbye to newly awakened Tillie and Margaret who came into the kitchen in matching fuzzy pink robes, their hair twisted in exactly the same style around spongy pink rollers. As Ben returned their goodbye hugs, he wondered how they could sleep in such things.
“We made a good getaway timewise,” Victoria said when they were finally moving down the road. Her voice dropped beneath the kids’ chatter. “Thank you for offering to drive. I was wondering if…”
“You thought you’d feel carsick?” He hoped not. She looked beautifully vivacious in her bright red jacket.
“So far I feel fine so you can stop frowning,” Victoria said with a laugh.
Ben loved hearing Victoria’s laugh. It was such a joyous happy sound that made the world seem immediately brighter. It was like they were on a family trip. In the rearview mirror, he saw Thea was entranced by her magazine, but his nephew was hunched over. “How are you doing, Mikey?”