by Lois Richer
*
Something was wrong with Ben.
Victoria stewed over it while she showered, dressed and dried her hair. But by the time she met him and Mikey at the escalator, she’d found no answers.
They chose a family-style restaurant and ordered Mikey’s favorite spaghetti. It was fresh and tasty, but after a few bites, Victoria pushed away her plate.
“What’s wrong?” Ben glanced from her to the plate and back again.
“Exactly what I’m wondering.” She kept a bead on him, refusing to look away. “Talk to me, Ben.”
He glanced at Mikey and gave a slight shake of his head before mouthing later. For now, she would have to be content with that, but she wasn’t going to let it go.
“You need some energy after all that work today. You should try to eat a little more,” Ben said. She picked up her fork and managed a few more bites. But concern kept gnawing at her, taking away her appetite.
After Victoria finished her bedtime story and Mikey had been tucked into bed and was snoring, she sat down at the desk. She wasn’t going to her room until she had an answer.
“What’s bothering you, Ben?”
“A whole lot of questions.” He sat down opposite her and raked a hand through his hair. “None of which I have the answers to.”
“Such as?” Victoria felt cozy and comfortably tired as she stretched her feet out in front of her. Her favorite electric-blue jogging suit was perfect for après swim as she waited to hear Ben’s concerns.
“Tillie and Margaret keep telling me to pray and seek God’s way.” His shoulders slumped. “I’ve prayed as hard as I can but I’m still uncertain.”
“About?” she asked hopefully.
“Everything. Finding parents.” As he glanced at sleeping Mikey his face softened. “Not finding parents.”
“Not finding parents?” she asked sharply, surprised by the admission.
“I don’t want to leave him, Victoria. But I don’t think I can care for him. I’m not sure about anything lately,” he said plaintively. “All I know is that I love Mikey. I want him to be happy and I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen, if I could figure out what that is.”
“I don’t know if this helps, Ben.” Victoria hesitated. But he sounded so tortured by his decision that she had to at least try to help. “But I’m facing some of the same questions.”
“You? You’re always confident about everything.”
“I wish.” She frowned. “Like having this baby. Maybe I’m being selfish.”
“Selfish?” He shook his head. “You’re the most unselfish person I know.”
“Nice of you to say, but maybe keeping this baby, raising him myself—maybe that’s selfish. Maybe giving him to people who are longing for a child, two parents who can provide everything he needs—” She shook her head. “I have as many questions as you, Ben. The only difference is I refuse to give in to my fears. I intend to keep this child as close to my heart as possible.”
“Aren’t you afraid you’ll mess up?” His blue eyes clouded.
“Of course.” She reached out and touched his hand. “But what parent do you know who’s perfect? Who doesn’t make mistakes? Your brother would probably tell you he and his wife did. But God can turn mistakes into good, like He did by giving me the aunts.”
Ben frowned at her, his mind obviously busy. Victoria sat there, waiting for the questions she knew were coming and half dreading her response because maybe when he knew the truth, he’d think she shouldn’t be any kid’s mom.
“What mistakes did your parents make?”
“I never knew my father,” she said quietly. “I don’t think my mother did, either.”
“Oh.” Ben waited, blue eyes totally focused on her.
Victoria drew her hand from his, inhaled for strength and then said the horrible words.
“My mother was a prostitute.”
To his credit, Ben didn’t show the revulsion he must be feeling.
“I’m sorry,” he said in a gentle voice. “That must have been hard to say.”
“I don’t think she wanted to be. I don’t remember a lot about her, but what I do remember is a woman who craved escape. Alcohol was her method.” Ben didn’t flinch or turn away as Derek had when she’d told him. Perhaps that emboldened her to continue. “Not that she ever left me hungry or alone. She didn’t. I was well cared for.”
Victoria couldn’t help smiling as small snippets of the past fluttered through her brain. Racing through the park with her mom chasing her in a game of tag. Flying high on the swing set as her mother pushed her. Sitting in her mom’s lap, strong arms encircling her and listening to made-up stories about princesses and castles.
Standing alone and afraid in a room with dingy yellow walls, waiting for someone who would love her like her mom.
“How did you end up in the foster system, Victoria?” Ben’s voice drew her from that shadowy place.
“She left me there.” She smiled at his disbelief. “One morning after breakfast, she dressed me in my very best outfit. Then she told me I was going to be like the fairy princesses and live in a castle. She said she loved me so much, that she always would, but that she had to go away. We walked to a building, she took me inside and left me there.”
“But you were just a child!” he gasped. “How old?”
“About the same age as Mikey,” she murmured, smiling at the sleeping child. “Maybe that’s why I feel such a connection with him. Maybe by being so determined to keep my own baby, I’m trying to repair something in my past. At least that was Derek’s diagnosis.”
Ben simply snorted his repugnance for the theory though his expression told her he was troubled by what she’d said. After some silent reflection, he looked directly at her.
“What happened to your mother, Victoria?”
“She died about a week after she left me. Suicide.” She appreciated his concerned look. “It’s okay, Ben. It happened a long time ago and I was eighteen before I learned the truth.”
“How—the aunts,” he guessed.
“Yes.” Victoria nodded. “I was about to graduate from high school. I was desperate to know more about myself, to figure out my place in the world. A few fragments of memory weren’t enough anymore. So Tillie and Margaret hired a private investigator.”
“You must have been devastated.” His handsome face softened as he watched her.
“Yes, I was. And my history has dogged me for years,” Victoria admitted.
“That’s why you think you’re not good enough to have this baby? Why you often put yourself down, why you push yourself so hard?” he asked in a very quiet voice.
“Maybe.” She’d never thought of it in those terms, but she would—later.
“The aunts tried to help. They assured me that The Haven was my castle, the place where I, the princess of God, the King, would always belong. I knew by then that they loved me and that helped me understand and accept their belief that God had led me to them. I’ve never truly felt I belonged at The Haven though. Still don’t. Why me? Why not someone more worthwhile? But I am very grateful to my aunties.” She wrapped her arms around her waist as the memory of precious moments with those dear women returned.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, Victoria,” Ben pleaded softly.
“About when the aunts first brought me to The Haven.” She smiled at the warmth that still glowed inside. “I felt so loved, so treasured.” She looked at him. “That’s what I want my child to feel. I don’t ever want him to question whether he belongs.”
“He?” Ben asked, a quirky little smile tilting his mouth.
“I call the baby he, but I have no idea whether it’s a boy or a girl. That’s up to God.” She chuckled at herself. “Anyway, the purpose of my trip down memory lane was to say that God took care of me all those years. He led me to the aunts and The Haven so I figure that, until He tells me loud and clear that I may not keep this child, my baby is mine. Somehow I’ve got to believe He’ll work o
ut the rest. That’s what I’ve learned from Auntie Tillie and Margaret.”
“Not a bad thing to learn.”
“No. But it’s not easy, either.” Victoria glanced at the clock and rose. “It’s getting late. I’m sure you want to rest after such an arduous day. Thank you for everything, Ben. I could never have cleaned the place out myself in an afternoon.”
“I’m glad I was finally able to give something back in return for all you’ve done for Mikey and me.” He stood in the doorway, watching as she moved across the hall and slid her key card in the lock of her room. “Sleep well, Victoria. And thank you for sharing your story with me. I’ll try to remember to trust God more.”
She smiled, nodded and slipped inside. But as she lay in bed, she couldn’t wrest her thoughts away from Ben. Until tonight, she hadn’t fully appreciated how difficult he was finding the realization that soon he’d have to walk away from his nephew.
“You have a plan, an answer that’s good for everyone,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes closed as she had at Mikey’s age. “Please help Ben find it. Open his heart. Let him stop being afraid to love that little boy.”
And me?
Victoria pushed away that silly question. She wasn’t a little girl anymore. She knew she wasn’t a fairy princess, that no prince charming was going to rush in and rescue her. It wasn’t just feelings of unworthiness that reminders of her mother always engendered. In a couple of months, she’d be so huge no man would compliment her. Certainly not Ben. He’d be far away in Africa.
She wanted to feel strong, independent, invulnerable. She worked hard to be just that, to find her own niche in the hotel and excel at her job. To prove she was worthy. Until she’d fallen for Derek, she’d always pretended she was a loner.
But now, lying in this bed, the same old longings she’d felt at eighteen slipped in and grabbed her. She still yearned to be loved in that silly romantic way her mom had described.
“Not gonna happen,” Victoria told herself sternly.
She’d become good at pretending it didn’t matter that Ben didn’t love her. But somewhere inside a little, almost five-year-old Victoria wept for the death of her fairy-tale dream.
*
“Mikey and I will be fine. We’re going to do some shopping. My medical appointment isn’t until three,” Victoria explained to Ben. “That should give you plenty of time to do what you need to.”
Ben almost chuckled. Another reminder, as if he needed it, that this woman was beautiful, strong and, most of all, independent. He couldn’t stop staring at her gleaming dark hair, sparkling gray eyes and big wide smile. Gorgeous. And yet, some protective part of him noted tiny fine lines at the corners of her eyes that told him she hadn’t slept much. He wondered if she’d overdone it yesterday.
“You’ll call if you need me?” he asked, unable to shake a slew of nagging worries.
“Ben, we’re going shopping. We won’t need help to do that.” She chuckled and turned away, her hand sliding into Mikey’s. “Bye.”
“See ya, Unca Ben,” the boy called, churning his little legs to pull her toward a display of toys in a nearby store.
Ben spent several minutes watching them, until he realized folks were watching him. With a shake of his head, he walked to the car then drove to the lawyer’s office where he learned the details of settling Neil and Alice’s estate were slowly progressing. The insurance office for his rental car was not, however, and it took several hours of insisting he had to retrieve the boxes from the damaged vehicle today.
Having finally attained permission, Ben drove to the storage facility and began transferring the white boxes from the trunk of his wreck into the back of Victoria’s car. He’d lost track of time when his phone pealed.
“Ben, where are you? It’s two thirty. I need to get to the doctor’s.” Victoria sounded stressed, which he knew from chapter three of the book he’d bought was not good for a mom-to-be.
“I’m sorry, Victoria, but there’s no way I can get there in time. How about if you text me the address for your doctor and then take a cab?” he suggested, irritated with himself for messing up. “I’ll meet you there. That way you won’t be late.”
“Okay,” she responded. No fuss, just face the issue and solve it. That was Victoria.
“Everything okay? Mikey?” She sounded—what? Anxious? No, more like nervous.
“He’s fine. We’ll see you there, Ben.” There was an unsteadiness there that he didn’t like.
“Yes, you will,” he said to reassure her. He hung up then hastily finished loading the boxes. Ben slammed the door on the back of her car with a sigh of relief that it had closed. Hopefully Victoria hadn’t bought a lot because room inside the vehicle was now at a premium.
Thirty-five minutes later, Ben pulled into a parking space at the rear of the medical clinic, stuffed the meter and then, because the elevator took so long, raced up the stairwell. He was puffing hard by the time he yanked open the fourth-floor door. Victoria was seated by Mikey. Her smile at him was tight.
“Hi.”
“Hi, yourself. I’m so sorry, Victoria. I had to drive to the compound where they’re storing my rental car to get my things.” As he inclined his head toward Mikey, he noticed that her hand was shaking. “What’s wrong?”
“My doctor wants to do an ultrasound today,” Victoria whispered. Her gray eyes were huge, her oval face pale.
“That’s normal, isn’t it?” Ben felt totally stupid for asking. Why hadn’t he read more in that book he’d bought about pregnancy? How could he support her if he wasn’t clued in about what to expect?
“I didn’t think it would happen this early.” Her hand slid into his and held on as if she needed him. “Ben, would you mind—”
“Victoria Archer.” A woman wearing a green polka-dot uniform stood by the checkin desk.
“Will you come with me, Ben?” Victoria asked. “Please?”
“Sure.” Surprised that he felt no hesitation about being this involved, Ben rose. Then whispered, “What about Mikey?”
“Victoria?” The woman stood in front of them now. “I’m Eva. Is there a problem?”
“I want Ben with me but Mikey—” Victoria paused.
“Mikey should come along. We have a toy room. He’ll love playing there while you see the doctor.” Eva grinned at the child then led them to a room at the rear of the office.
With no idea of what was to come, Ben followed. Would they ask him to do something? Help Victoria breathe or something? Whatever she needed, he could do, he told himself.
“Here you go, Mikey. You can play with anything you want, okay? Granny Jo over there will help if you need her. We’ll be back there with the doctor.”
“Can I fly that plane?” Having received permission, Mikey was quickly engaged in the toy.
Eva directed Victoria to change in a small cubicle then led Ben next door to a dim room with a huge machine. A tiny woman suggested he take a seat, so he obeyed, trying to stifle his nervousness. For Victoria’s sake.
Thankfully she soon appeared clad in a white paper gown and her jeans. She climbed onto the table as directed.
“Okay, Miss Victoria. This isn’t going to hurt. We’ll just put a little of this jelly on your stomach, and then I’ll slide this probe around to give us a view of your baby. The doctor wants some good pictures, so we’ll snap those, too.”
“O-okay.” Victoria glanced at him.
Something in her look told Ben to get up, move to the side of the bed and slide his hand over hers.
“Relax,” he said softly. “You’ve had your picture taken before.”
“It’s not my picture they want.” She caught her breath as the jelly hit her skin.
“Smile anyway.” Ben didn’t want to intrude so he kept his gaze on her face while Victoria stared at the monitor.
“There’s your baby’s heart, Mama,” the technician said. “Can you see?”
“Y-yes.” Victoria turned to him. “Look, Ben,” she whispered th
rough her tears. “It’s my baby.”
“Uh-huh.” He couldn’t think of anything to say that would express his wonder at seeing the tiny being on the screen. All he could do was stare and marvel.
“Ben! You’re holding too tight.” Victoria drew her hand away, stretched her fingers then slid her hand back into his. “Okay?”
“He’s just like most daddies,” the technician said with a laugh. “Shocked into silence by God’s handiwork.”
Ben should have corrected her, explained that he was just a friend. But movement of that tiny creature on the screen had indeed silenced him. He figured Victoria would explain, but her focus was on her baby, her eyes filled with tears.
“Okay, that’s great.” The technician wiped off the gel. “You can change back into your top and wait for the doctor in the toy room. She shouldn’t be long.”
“Th-thank you,” Victoria sputtered but the lady had already left.
Ben held out his arm for her to use if she needed help to sit up. She took it, rose but didn’t look at him.
“I’ll, um, get dressed,” she whispered.
“I’ll stay with Mikey.” He touched her hand before she could leave. “Are you all right?”
“Dumbfounded but fine,” Victoria murmured with a bemused nod before she scurried out of the room.
That was exactly how Ben felt as he contemplated the enormity of what he’d seen. A baby. Victoria’s baby. He couldn’t stop grinning.
This must be how Neil had felt on seeing his son. Amazed, daydreaming, imagining future possibilities for Mikey.
But would those dreams ever come true now? Would someone else care enough about his brother’s child to ensure it? Ben’s grin faded.
Could he really depend on someone else and just walk away? And if things didn’t go well, would Mikey understand why he’d left him?
Chapter Ten
Victoria sat silent in the car. She studied the sonogram for a long time before finally tucking the photo into her bag.