by Lois Richer
“Good. C’n I color people’s hair blue, Vic?” he asked.
“Why not?” Victoria said gaily. “On a frosty, wintry morning like this, it feels like anything’s possible.”
As the sun rose over the mountain tops, Ben found no reason to disagree with her.
“Oh, look.” She pointed toward a black gelding, standing next to a white rail fence. “Shade’s still there.”
“The horse? Why wouldn’t he be?” Ben wondered as he took the right-hand turn that put them on the highway toward Edmonton.
“Because Shade is very old. He was my favorite horse all through high school. I loved that horse.” Her face softened with memories. “When we get back, I need to go visit him.”
“You rided a horse, Vic?” Mikey sounded amazed.
“Used to. All the time. It was my favorite thing.” She paused then added, “I found a stable in the city where I could ride, but it became too expensive.”
“She took my sisters and me riding once,” Thea volunteered. “It was fun.”
“Yes, it was. I wonder where my cowboy boots are.” Victoria fell silent for a moment. Then she gasped.
“What’s wrong?” Ben clenched his hands on the wheel. “Should I pull over? Do you feel sick?”
“I feel fine. And incredibly stupid.” Her oval face grew alive with excitement. “I haven’t been thinking straight, Ben.”
“About?” She didn’t look sick so he maintained his speed.
“About things for our kids to do when they come to The Haven.”
Our kids? He felt his chest expand with pride at being included in Victoria’s new goal.
“McDowell Stables is The Haven’s nearest neighbor,” she explained. “In fact, there used to be a path worn from the stables to The Haven. I should know. I made it. What foster kid from the city wouldn’t like to learn to ride a horse, Thea? Mikey?”
“Me,” Mikey assured her.
“Me, too,” Thea agreed.
“Good. We’ll check into that when we get back,” she promised with a giggle.
“Do I gotta get cowboy boots?” Mikey asked hopefully.
“We’ll have to see,” Ben temporized. At least he’d learned that much. Never promise what you might not be able to deliver.
“I went to school with Mac McDowell. He loved that ranch something fierce, wanted to run the spread, but his parents insisted he go to university first. I lost track of him. I wonder if he runs the ranch now. I’ll have to ask the aunts.” She peered ahead. “Mac was the best-looking guy in high school.”
“You had a crush on him,” Ben said, knowing it was true when her cheeks flushed a deep rose. The flower of jealousy bloomed inside. That kept happening lately. Which was silly because, though he really liked Victoria, he wasn’t going to get involved with any woman. He was returning to Africa.
Forcing his mind off Victoria and on to the things he hoped to accomplish while he was in the city kept Ben focused on driving. Victoria fell asleep, her glossy dark head resting on the seat back, long lush lashes against her pale cheeks. Mikey and Thea soon followed, their soft snores filling the car and leaving Ben alone with his thoughts.
First thing on his list was retrieving the personal items that had been in the trunk of his car when he’d wrecked it. He desperately wanted to go through Neil and Alice’s papers before he left the country and ensure the important ones were safely stored for Mikey when he was old enough to see them. But his main goal was to help Victoria pack. No way was she going to overdo things on his watch.
Some inner secret part of Ben desperately hoped she didn’t intend to get in touch with her former boyfriend. He didn’t ask himself why the very thought of it irritated him. Victoria wasn’t his. He had no right to censor whom she saw.
He wished he did.
*
“Victoria.”
The sound of her own name ended a sweet dream where she and Ben had been together, sliding down a snow-covered hill at The Haven. She blinked awake to find her fingers were clenched as if she was still firmly gripping his waist and that she was grinning like a lovesick school girl.
“Good dream?” Ben asked when she glanced at him.
“Very good,” she responded truthfully, a little embarrassed to admit how much she’d been enjoying it.
“Want to share?”
“No.” She glanced out the window. “It was just a dream.” And that was something she needed to stop doing by remembering Ben wasn’t going to be part of her life in the long term.
“So what’s first on the agenda, Victoria?”
“We need to get Thea home. Take the next exit.” She directed him through a maze of streets to a lovely Tudor-style home on a pretty block, where the lawns of each house bore testament that many kids lived in this neighborhood. Snow forts, snowmen and sleds of all descriptions littered the white-covered lawns. “Thea, you’re home,” Victoria said firmly enough to waken the girl.
“Oh.” Thea stretched then tucked her magazine into her backpack. “I suppose I’ll be grounded now.”
“Don’t you think you should be?” Victoria twisted to face her, determined to ensure that Thea was prepared to accept the consequences for her actions. “Honey, what you did was foolhardy, dangerous and caused a lot of worry. You need to apologize.”
“I know.” Thea had phoned her foster parents before they left The Haven and now the couple rushed out of the house toward the car. She said thank you to Ben then climbed out and into the arms of her sobbing foster mom.
Victoria also exited the car, grateful that Ben stayed where he was. She didn’t want to embarrass Thea in front of him, but she couldn’t walk away without making sure Thea’s parents would forgive her. She was happily relieved by their loving attitude and even more so that their foster daughter finally seemed willing to accept that they loved her.
Her heart breaking, Victoria faced this girl she loved so dearly.
“I’ve already explained why I can’t be your Big Sister anymore, Thea. But I will always be your friend who loves you and your sisters and cares about you. You can text me or call me anytime and I’ll love to hear from you. When I come to Edmonton, we’ll go for lunch, if your foster mom says it’s okay.”
“I’d like that.” Thea had her brave face on.
“Please, Thea,” she whispered. “Please open your heart to love. Your foster mom and dad are good people, and they care about you deeply. Before you decide to do anything like this again, stop and think. Don’t shut them out. Talk to them. Let them love you. I promise it will make your life so much happier.”
“I’ll try. Thank you, Victoria.” Openly crying, Thea enveloped her in a tight embrace. “I hope I can come see you at The Haven sometime.”
“We’ll try to make that happen. But for now, you’re loved here, sweetie. Don’t push that away.” Then Victoria eased free, said goodbye to Thea’s foster parents and climbed back inside the car.
“Are you cryin’, Vic?” Mikey asked in awe.
“Yes.” She dashed away her tears as she smiled at him.
“How come?”
Victoria was choked up, but she had to explain to this boy who would soon lose his uncle. “It hurts to let go of someone you love, Mikey.”
“’Cause you like bein’ her Big Sister, right?” The four-year-old waited for her to nod. “So why can’t you be that no more?”
“That’s not what’s best for Thea, Mikey.” Victoria blew her nose then turned to face him. “I love Thea. But she needs a different Big Sister who lives in Edmonton, someone who can come running when she needs them. I can’t do that anymore.”
“That hurts you.” One chubby finger reached out to brush her cheek.
“Sometimes loving people does hurt,” Victoria explained gently. She lifted her head. Her eyes met Ben’s. “Especially when you have to let go.”
Did he fully comprehend what giving this precious child into someone else’s care would cost him? When Ben was standing guard over other children, other fa
milies in that barren African post, would he wish he’d stayed, braved his worries and spent the precious moments of Mikey’s childhood watching over him?
It isn’t right, Lord. Can’t You help?
“Victoria?” Ben’s voice drew her from her prayer. “Where do I drive next?”
Help me show him what he will miss out on, God. Today and tomorrow let him find courage in Your strength.
“Victoria?” Ben’s hand rested on her arm, drawing her gaze to his. “Everything okay?”
“Yes,” she said as hope and faith comingled in a bubble of excitement. “I just thought of a verse I memorized a long time ago, something that makes letting go of Thea easier. ‘In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.’ Maybe if I hang on to that, I’ll grow more comfortable with trusting God for the next step in my life.”
“And the next step is emptying your place. So where to?” Ben asked, one dark eyebrow arched.
“Left at the corner, please.” She leaned back in her seat, her brain whirling.
Ben feared responsibility. Maybe if she was strong enough, he’d realize God had given him everything he needed to do the job of fathering Mikey.
Chapter Nine
Ben hated Victoria’s place. It was nothing like her. In no way did it express her generous, happy personality. He especially didn’t like her intention to stay here overnight while he and Mikey camped at a comfortable hotel.
“The Goodwill truck is coming for the sofa and dinette in half an hour. Why not send the bed along?” he suggested late in the afternoon when her weariness was obvious. “It would be easier than trying to get them to come back later and a lot simpler to clean the place if it was out of the way.”
“But I was going to sleep here,” she said with a frown.
“You can stay at the same hotel Mikey and I will be at.” Ben could see her objections mounting but he held firm. “Come on, Victoria. This is a lot of work. You said you had a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. You need your rest. One night at a hotel room is worth it.” Her jaw thrust up in the manner that he knew meant she’d argue so he quickly added, “Why do you want to stay here anyway? It’s an ugly place.”
“It is, isn’t it?” She glanced around as if she’d never really seen it clearly. “I had so many plans when I moved in here. I was going to paint, get new furniture, have that patio door fixed.”
“Your landlord should have done that.” He added the box Mikey had filled to the growing stack by the door. “Good job, kid.”
“Thanks, Unca Ben.” Mikey’s grin gleamed white from his dusty face. “I put all the popsicle sticks together, an’ all the white balls, an’ all the glue bottles. There sure are a lot of things, but I got ’em in,” he added proudly.
“You did great, Mikey.” Victoria hugged him. “Thank you for helping with all those craft things. I was going to use them with my Little Sisters someday, but—” she sighed and sniffed.
“The kids at that day care place will like ’em, Vic,” Mikey assured her. “Unca Ben said they mostly don’t get nice stuff.”
“No, they don’t. They try to keep costs low.” She sank onto what Ben had learned was her favorite chair though why he couldn’t imagine. He’d sat in it earlier and still felt pain from the loose spring.
“I’m glad you agreed to send those craft things there.” He tried to hide his relief that he didn’t have to cart all that musty-smelling stuff to the car and then into The Haven. “Where’d you get it all?”
“Auction sale. Nobody bid on it so I got it for a song.”
Ben figured the smell of items kept in dank storage had probably kept other buyers to a minimum. Victoria suddenly sat up straight.
“Maybe we should keep it for kids who come to The Haven?”
“I thought the idea was to get the kids outdoors.” He maintained his blank expression with difficulty. “Besides, you’ve already promised the day care.”
“True.” She leaned back, resting her head against the chair as she looked around. “I traveled so much and my Little Sisters kept me so busy that I was seldom here. I didn’t notice what a sad little place this is and how shabby everything has become.”
“You deserve better,” he said quietly.
“I wonder when I became so satisfied with making do?” she murmured, her gaze introspective.
Ben said nothing. She looked weary, though her face brightened when Mikey snuggled onto her knee. The two shared a glance of perfect harmony that made his heart ache until the door buzzer sounded.
“That must be the Goodwill folks.” Relieved that Victoria wouldn’t have time to rethink the choices she’d made here, Ben let the men in and helped them carry out boxes. Half an hour later, everything was gone, including the bed, and the day care gift had been picked up. There were only three suitcases left in the tiny apartment.
“I’ll take the vacuum down to the car,” he offered, eager to get Victoria out of here. The inner happiness he’d admired since the day he’d met her seemed to dim with every moment they remained in this joyless place. It was no wonder she’d made a mistake in love while living here.
“Leave it for the next tenant. All I want are my clothes. Let’s go.”
“You’re the boss.” Ben stowed her luggage in the car and returned to find her taking one last look around. “Ready?” At her nod, he slid his hand under her elbow and escorted her down the stairs, Mikey clomping behind them. “Next stop is the hotel.”
“This is where we’re staying?” she gasped when he drove underground at the West Edmonton Mall. “But Fantasyland Hotel rooms are very expensive.”
“They have a deal on,” he said nonchalantly. “Besides, staying here means we won’t have to go out into the cold again. This mall has everything we need.”
“Unca Ben said we can go swimming.”
Ben chuckled at Mikey’s excitement, glad he’d made the promise. No way would Victoria want to deny the boy time in the famous water park, and no way did he want her to linger on the past. Suitcases in hand, he led the way to the checkin desk, delighted that she didn’t argue. It was about time somebody started cosseting Miss Victoria Archer and Ben figured he was the guy to do it.
As it turned out, their decision to visit the water park before dinner was perfect. Victoria’s strained expression melted away as she and Mikey giggled and splashed, leaving Ben to rock and roll with the massive waves until he finally returned to his chair exhausted.
“You have a lovely family.” A woman reclining on a chaise next to their spot smiled. “Picture perfect.”
Dazed by the comment, Ben stared at Victoria who was laughing as she coaxed Mikey to float. He turned to correct the woman. She had left but her words hung there.
A lovely family. Not something he’d ever allowed himself to want. But sitting here, watching two people he cared about, two people he wanted to protect, Ben couldn’t remember exactly why having a family was impossible.
Responsibility. Yes, he feared that. Being the one in charge, the one who stood alone to face the consequences. But surely that would be easier if there was another parent, someone against whom you could sound off your ideas, like he often did with Victoria? When he was with her, fears melted away. Things always seemed possible with Victoria present.
As the breaking waves rolled in against his feet, Ben allowed a daydream to grow—someone to share with, laugh with, be sad with. Someone who would cut you some slack if you messed up but would also be there supporting you. Someone who knew you weren’t perfect and wouldn’t hold your screwups against you. Someone like Victoria.
Ben sat bolt upright on his chair.
“Ben?” Victoria stood in front of him, holding Mikey’s hand, her gray eyes confused. “Is something wrong?” Her hair stood in funny little waves and peaks where the water had messed it. She didn’t have on a scrap of makeup, her face dripped with water—and she looked utterly beautiful.
“You sick, Unca Ben?” Mikey touched his knee. “You need dinner?”
“We came to tell you that we’ve had enough swimming,” she said, her forehead furrowed. “Have you?”
Ben couldn’t seem to gather his thoughts, couldn’t figure out what Victoria was asking him. Enough? No way! He could never have enough of watching her lovely face or the way she slid a protective arm around Mikey when some rowdy teens almost bumped into him. Ben kept staring, bemused by the warm sensation filling him. Was that love? Or simply affection?
Victoria was fun to be around. She didn’t expect anything from him and she accepted him as he was, flaws and all. And yet, something in the way she looked at him urged him to be better, do better, stand taller. That’s what he felt for her—admiration. But not only that.
“I’m going to call for medical help if you don’t stop staring at me like that, Ben.” Victoria grabbed her towel and swathed it around her like a sarong, then did the same for Mikey. Exasperated by his immobility, she reached out a hand and shook his shoulder. “Ben, wake up.”
“I’m awake.” Feeling foolish but unable to shake off the drug-like feelings that gripped him, he stumbled to his feet and slung his own towel over one shoulder. “I’m ready to go whenever you are, Victoria,” he said in a voice that didn’t sound like his own. “Did you have fun, Mikey?”
“Yeah. But now I want sa’ghetti.” The way Mikey trustingly slid his hand into Ben’s finally woke him up.
What if the boy wouldn’t accept another family? Somehow it had never dawned on Ben that Mikey might resist his plan. And there in a nutshell was proof that he wasn’t parent material. Not like Victoria. She would have thought through all the pros and cons, but top of her list would have been meeting Mikey’s needs.
“I’ll change and meet you two at the escalator, okay?” Victoria frowned at his slow response. “You’re really not sick?”
“I’m fine.” Ben led Mikey into a change room. Okay, so he wasn’t parent material. But he wasn’t stupid, either. All he had to do was follow Victoria’s lead and when in doubt, run his concerns past her. Surely if he did that he couldn’t fail.