Sleeping with Paris

by Juliette Sobanet

  After all, I was over Jeff. Completely over him.

  Wasn't I?

  I shook off my doubts and met the girls down in the lobby at six a.m. on the dot. We spent the entire morning at a classy salon on Connecticut Avenue, Katie, Hannah and I sitting side by side while stylists pulled, combed, curled and sprayed our hair into typical wedding-do's.

  “It's so great to have you home from Paris, Charlotte,” Hannah said. “We've missed you so much. And your Parisian boyfriend is just scrumptious!”

  Katie giggled. “And such a better guy than Jeff ever was. Not to mention the fact that he’s totally in love with you.”

  “I wouldn’t take it that far, Katie.” Could Luc really be in love with me?

  “He flew with you from Paris to DC to come to Hannah’s wedding. He didn’t come all the way here to see what an American wedding was like. Or to have sex with you. He came here to be with you.”

  “I know he really has feelings for me, Katie. And I like him too. A lot. But, he has a child. And I haven't even met her yet. Plus, I can't help but wonder, what if I fall for him and then it ends in disaster like the rest of my relationships? And like my parents?”

  “Charlotte, Jeff broke your heart, yes. But Luc isn’t Jeff.”

  “Speaking of Jeff,” Hannah cut in. “Is everything okay with you guys this weekend? I know you weren't looking forward to seeing him . . . or meeting his girlfriend.”

  “Everything's fine, Hannah. Please don't worry, okay? This is your day. I would never do anything to ruin it.”

  “I didn't mean that you would,” Hannah replied. “It's just . . . I was on my way to the bathroom at the rehearsal dinner last night and noticed the two of you talking really close. I know this is nuts to even ask, but is he trying to get back together with you?”

  “God, Hannah, no. Don't be ridiculous. I think he's just getting all nostalgic and rethinking his actions now that he's seen me here with another guy. I’m not going to fall for it though, so you have nothing to worry about.”

  “I'm sorry, I know that was a dumb thing of me to ask. I'm just nervous about the wedding, that's all,” Hannah said, wringing her hands in her lap. “I don't want any drama on my big day, you know. I want this to be the best wedding everyone has ever been to. I want it to be perfect. Plus, I've gotten to know Brooke a little bit, and well, she's not as horrible as you guys might think. She doesn't know that Jeff was engaged when she met him. She thinks you guys broke up a while before they started dating.”

  I clenched the arms of my chair and forced my expression to stay neutral. If Hannah didn't want any drama, she shouldn't have told me she was fraternizing with The Enemy, or that Jeff had continued his lying streak with his new girlfriend.

  “I'm not surprised he didn't tell her,” Katie said, glancing over at me nervously. “But I think we should drop the subject. Everything will be fine today, right Charlotte?”

  “Yes, you guys. Seriously. I'm not going to do anything stupid. Jeff was the one who approached me last night after I came out of the bathroom. I'm doing my best to avoid him. Plus I haven't spoken to Brooke, and I don't plan on it.”

  It seemed that my friends had forgotten who had been the one to begin this drama eight months ago with his disgusting online dating profile. But now wasn't the time to remind them of that.

  Hannah and Katie stayed silent, so I lifted the corners of my mouth into a smile and kept talking. “Like I said, Hannah, this day is all about you and Mike. I'm so happy for you two, I really am. There won't be any drama tonight, and if Jeff even tries to start anything weird, you can count on me to put an end to it. Okay?”

  “Thanks, Charlotte. I didn't think I could count on Jeff to behave, but I knew I could count on you. It was silly of me to think otherwise. It's just the wedding jitters talking.”

  And while we didn't speak of Jeff or Brooke for the rest of the morning, those two unwelcome lovebirds made themselves cozy in the back of my mind and refused to leave.

  ***

  Hannah's wedding jitters made several more appearances throughout the day, and with only a half an hour until go-time, Bridezilla had officially come to town.

  “Mom and Kelly, you need to stop crying! You're making me cry, and I can't have make-up smearing down my face like a clown when I walk down the aisle!” Hannah snapped at her mother and sister after they'd helped her slip on her wedding gown.

  Hannah's mom dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. “A few tears on your wedding day aren't going to make you look like a clown, dear. It shows character. And besides, you look so beautiful. I can't help it.”

  “Mom.” Hannah parked her hands on her skinny hips. She looked like an angry cream puff in her poofy wedding gown.

  Katie raised her eyebrows at me. “Maybe we all need to give Hannah some air. This is a big day.”

  “Yes, that's exactly what I need,” Hannah said. “Would everyone just stop ogling over me and give me some freaking room to breathe?”

  Hannah's sister ushered their mother out of the Healy Hall classroom, dabbing at her eyes the whole way, while Katie and I followed suit. But Hannah grabbed hold of my arm just as I was about to leave.

  “Charlotte, you can stay.”

  I didn't dare argue with Bridezilla. Instead, I closed the door and turned around to face my friend, wondering why weddings made girls turn into crazy women.

  “Are you okay?” I asked as Hannah paced the room in her sparkly white princess gown, the short train swishing at her feet. With her sandy blond hair pulled back under an elegant, lacy veil, I'd never seen her look more beautiful . . . or more nervous.

  She stopped and gazed up at me, tears rimming her eyelids. “I need to tell you something, Charlotte.”

  “What is it?” I asked, taking a step toward her.

  Her eyes darted to the floor as she squeezed her hands together. “You have to promise not to judge me.”

  “Of course I won't judge you. Whatever it is, you can tell me,” I said, laying a hand on her shoulder.

  She let out a long, shaky breath. “Oh, God. I can't believe I'm going to say this out loud, right before I'm about to walk down the aisle. But I have to. I have to get this out.”

  “What is it, Hannah?”

  “You swear you will never tell anyone? No matter what. This goes to the grave.”

  “I swear.”

  “Okay, here goes . . . I cheated on Mike.”

  I stared at my innocent, beautiful, bride-to-be friend, not believing my ears. Hannah was so perfect. So naïve. So prude. Had I even heard her correctly? “You . . . what?”

  “You heard me, Charlotte,” she hissed. “I cheated on him! On my fiancé! A week before my wedding. What the fuck was I thinking?”

  She never said fuck either. In fact, Katie and I had never heard Hannah so much as utter a “shit” or even a “damn” in all of our years as college roommates, or after college for that matter. She was a classic good girl. And classic good girls did not sleep with men other than their fiancés, and they certainly didn't shout the “F” word while standing in their wedding gown about to commit to the supposed love of their life.

  “Charlotte!” she snapped.

  “Okay, I'm sorry. I just had to let that register for a minute. So this just happened last week?”

  Hannah plopped into a chair, smashing a big white poof underneath her butt, then gazed up at me with her huge green eyes. “Yes.”

  I swallowed, trying not to show the shock on my face. “And who was it with?”

  “A co-worker.”

  “Do you have feelings for this guy?”

  “No.”

  “Then why . . .”

  “Oh, God, I don't know.” She stood and resumed her frantic pacing. “I've been reading your blog all year, you know. Jeff and Mike really aren't that different, and it got me worried. Like what if what happened to you happened to me, but after I got married? What if Mike and I end up like your parents? Over fifty percent of divorces end in marriage! I can't ignore
that statistic. And then your article came out, and it got me thinking about the flip side of the coin, about being with one man for the rest of my life. I mean, you know I've only ever been with Mike. He was my first everything, and he was going to be my last. And I guess I just kind of freaked out about it. So last weekend, while Mike was out for his bachelor party, I went out for drinks with a few co-workers. At the end of the night, it was just me and this one guy, Chris, and we were both really drunk. He's liked me for years, and I've always wondered what it would be like . . . and well, now I know.” Hannah gazed at the floor as a tear rolled down her cheek.

  I couldn't believe that Hannah, my seemingly perfect friend with her seemingly perfect life had actually been listening to my advice. And worse, she'd acted on it.

  Before I could form a coherent response, Hannah started up again.

  “At first it was kind of fun. But then I felt guilty. So guilty it almost made me sick. I could barely look at Mike the next day. That's why I've been such a crazy woman all week. I thought if the wedding was absolutely perfect, it would erase what I'd done. But nothing can erase it. What should I do, Charlotte? I mean, am I making the right decision getting married in the first place?”

  I grabbed Hannah's shoulders and looked her in the eye. I'd created this mess, and despite my own personal doubts about marriage, I had to make it right.

  “Do you love him, Hannah? Do you love Mike?”

  “Yes, of course I do. I love him so much.”

  “And do you have any doubts about his love for you?”

  She shook her head. “No, he's wonderful. He loves me. He's never given me reason to think otherwise. But what if I'm just being naïve?”

  “You're not being naïve. Mike isn't like Jeff, Hannah. He's been completely committed to you for years now. And besides, I've seen the way he looks at you. He's totally and completely in love.”

  “Thank you . . . but, please don't sugar-coat it just to say what you think I want to hear. I know your beliefs on relationships and marriage. And I think you have valid points about all of it. I mean, look at what's happened to you, and to your parents. Excluding what I've just done, do you think my relationship, my future marriage, even has a shot at lasting?”

  I reached out and wiped the tear from Hannah's rosy cheek. “If anyone's relationship has a shot, it's yours, Hannah. You guys are going to last. I know it.” I hoped I was right, I really did. All I knew for sure though was that I couldn't allow her to cancel her whole wedding based on my anti-relationship ramblings.

  “But now I've gone and ruined it. I've betrayed him. How can I go through with the wedding after what I've done? Should I tell him?”

  “Hannah, if you tell Mike you slept with another man, you know the wedding will be off.”

  Hannah's eyes widened. “Oh my God. I didn't sleep with Chris! I would never do that. How could you even think I would do that?”

  “Wait, what are you talking about? You said you cheated on Mike, right?”

  “Yes, but we didn't have sex. God, what kind of a slut do you think I am?”

  “Then what did you do with him?”

  “We kissed.”

  “This is all over a kiss?”

  “Yes! A kiss is very intimate. A kiss can be even more intimate than sex.”

  Oh thank God. I hadn’t completely corrupted her.

  “Even so, you said you don't have any feelings for this Chris guy, correct?” I asked.

  “None.”

  “And you're totally in love with Mike?”

  “Totally.”

  “Okay, here's what you're going to do. You're going to take all of that guilt you're feeling and pass it over to me. This is my fault anyway, Hannah. I had no idea what I'd written would make you doubt your relationship. That was never my intention.” I reached out and grabbed Hannah's hands. “Now close your eyes and squeeze. Squeeze as hard as you can and give me all of that toxic guilt.”

  “Charlotte, this is ridiculous.”

  “Hannah. Just do it.”

  “Fine.” She squared her shoulders, closed her eyes, then squeezed my hands so hard I thought my fingers would break. But that's okay. I would take a broken finger if it meant Hannah would walk down that aisle in ten minutes.

  She released her grip on my hands, opened her eyes and let out a long sigh. “Thank you, Charlotte. Thank you so much.”

  I smiled. “Now you're going to walk down that aisle and marry the love of your life.”

  She lunged forward and hugged me as I breathed out my own sigh of relief.

  I made a mental note to edit my blog content when I arrived back in Paris. I didn’t need any more friends using my anti-love propaganda as an excuse to break up their perfectly good relationships.

  God, weddings are drama.

  ***

  A few minutes later, with my bouquet of pink calla lilies in tow, I lined up with Katie and Hannah's sister in the back of the chapel while Hannah took her dad’s arm and the both of them tried not to cry.

  “What was that all about?” Katie whispered in my ear.

  “Just a little wedding drama.” Drama that originated with my freaking blog. “I handled it though.”

  Katie winked at me. “Nice work, lady.”

  I leaned back over and whispered one more thing in Katie's ear. “If I ever do get married, please remind me to elope. Weddings make people do crazy things.”

  Katie stifled a giggle as the massive, wooden doors at the back of the chapel swung open. Then, as a string quartet serenaded us with a gorgeous Canon in D, she began her march down the aisle.

  When it was my turn, I took a deep breath and walked slowly through the packed church, scanning the crowd for Luc. I needed to see his face. I needed to be reminded of his sincerity, of his support, of his feelings for me. But I couldn't find him.

  Instead, without meaning to, I met Jeff's intent stare at the front of the church. I tried to pull my gaze away from his, but I couldn't. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. And despite the ill feelings I'd touted all year about marriage, relationships, and love, in that moment, as I walked toward the man who I would’ve married, I knew that it was all just a front.

  What I'd really wanted all along was to have exactly what Hannah and Mike had (well, minus the pre-wedding kiss and freak-out). But I had. I'd wanted this more than anything. I'd wanted to walk down this exact aisle, gazing into Jeff's beautiful blue eyes, knowing that I was the only woman in the world he'd ever want. The only woman he would ever love.

  But I wasn't the only woman he'd wanted. And his love for me . . . well, I wasn't sure how true it had ever really been.

  The hardest part today though was taking in the regret that traced Jeff's sad eyes.

  I wanted to stop the wedding and shout at him. Why then? Why did you do it Jeff? And why did you have to bring her here and shove it in my face one more time? And stop looking at me like that!

  Because the more he gazed at me with that sorrowful look in his eyes, the more I missed him. The more I missed us.

  Real life isn’t as grand as the movies though, so I kept my mouth shut, tugged a smile onto my lips, then quietly took my place at the altar.

  Hannah appeared at the back of the chapel, glowing and gorgeous and white, swishing down the aisle with her teary-eyed father by her side. I remembered then that even if it had been me walking down the aisle to marry Jeff, my parents wouldn’t have even been here together. My family would've been broken.

  Why did some people get their happily-ever-after’s, and others didn't?

  I bit my bottom lip, telling myself not to cry. But as I watched the way Mike gazed at Hannah, I couldn't help but let a tear slide down my cheek. Hannah was making the right decision. Mike would never betray her. He wasn't like Jeff. He wasn't like my dad.

  I felt horrible for inciting such doubt in her when she really did have one of the good relationships. One that would last. Or that at least had a real shot.

  But as Hannah's father gave her away, I wo
ndered how you could ever really know for sure? If a good girl like Hannah could stray—even if for a brief moment—anyone could. Marriage vows certainly weren't a fool-proof guarantee that you wouldn't get your heart broken. And an engagement ring wasn't either.

  I wiped the tear from my eye, knowing in my heart that there were no guarantees. Falling in love was a risk. A messy one.

  I searched the crowd once more for Luc's face. For his chestnut eyes, his sweet smile.

  But I couldn't find him.

  Instead, I felt Jeff's gaze on me for the entire ceremony, the regret radiating off of him like he was on fire.

  ***

  Back at the hotel, the reception hall was decorated like a mini-wonderland. Bunches of pink and white calla lilies adorned the guest tables which were each surrounded by chairs wrapped in smooth, shimmering white chair covers with thick pink ribbons flowing down the backs. Underneath the glittery white lights which draped from the ceiling, the DJ played a Frank Sinatra tune while guests mingled with flutes of champagne in their hands.

  Luc and I wove through the sparkly pink maze to our assigned table. As I plucked a glass of champagne off of the waiter’s tray, I surveyed the guests and spotted Jeff and Brooke across the room. Whew. At least Hannah’s wedding planner hadn’t made a blunder and sat us together. After standing across from Jeff at the altar for the past hour, I couldn’t bear to face him for another second.

  A fancy five course dinner and way too many Frank Sinatra tunes later, Luc excused himself to go to the restroom and Katie and Joe headed up to the dance floor. I used my fork to swipe a glob of icing off the delectable raspberry and vanilla wedding cake, but just as I was about to drown my hurricane of emotions in another blast of sugar and alcohol, a familiar scent wafted past my nose.

  Jeff’s cologne.

  I lifted my face to find Jeff standing before me.

  “Charlotte, can we talk?”

  I dropped my fork onto my plate. “What? Right now?”

  Jeff took a step closer. “Yes, just hear me out for a minute, okay?”

  I glanced nervously around the reception hall, but when I saw that no one was paying any attention to us, I nodded. “Fine. You have one minute.”