The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole!

by Jonathan Moon

  Pestilence is beginning to sober up.

  “Those fucking demons had better not start bogarting the dope in this town,” Pestilence growls at the general. The dead officer nods and moans hoarsely.

  “Did you score that last shit in Reno?” Pestilence asks as the first pangs of need wrack his slender frame.

  General O’Coddle stares at him with his dead eyes, both slightly withered from their time in the sun. He shakes his head back and forth.

  “Shit,” Pestilence spits.

  They trudge on in silence to a third overpass. After passing under it, the town fully encircles them, with tall buildings that rise in all directions toward the sky. Screams and howls of pain distract the zombies, and Pestilence hears the shuffling of their feet moving off from all sides. He turns and looks out from under his hood. His horde is deserting him; stumbling off in search of flesh to feast on.

  “Whoa,” Pestilence tells his steed while giving the reins a pull. The horse ignores him, so he tugs harder and yells louder. “Whoa, fucker! Whoa or you’ll be glue!”

  The horse stops so abruptly that Pestilence rocks forward and falls off his steed onto the freeway. He lands face first with a sick crunch-thud, but he rolls to his feet and jabs the general in his the chest an instant later.

  “Do your thing and call those fuckers back! They are my zombie horde, and they are fucking leaving!”

  General O’Coddle turns from Pestilence to the dead soldiers and hippies staggering toward the screams. He puffs out his chest and moans loudly. He huffs and growls, “Rrrraggggerrrrrrrrr! Bbbbbeeerrreeegggrrrrr!”

  None of the deserting zombies slows its pace. He turns and looks blankly at the sweating Pestilence. Maggots wiggle out of General O’Coddle’s ears and land on his broad shoulders. The zombie shrugs, and the maggots tumble to the pavement, twisting and writhing as they fall.

  “Whatever,” Pestilence grumbles. “If Death hears anything about this, he’ll be pissed. Fuck him anyway; he ain’t here.”

  General O’Coddle tilts his head like a dog trying to understand what his master is saying. Pestilence smiles his rotted grin at the general and then reaches up and cups one long-fingered hand on the dead man’s barrel chest. Pestilence mutters something, and a glowing light fills his hand. General O’Coddle’s shriveled eyes roll in their sockets as Pestilence pulls his glowing fist away.

  “Hot shit!” Pestilence yells, and he slams his fist back into General O’Coddle’s chest. With a loud crack, the light sinks back through the general’s sternum. The dead man stiffens and swells instantly. His shriveled eyes reinflate like helium balloons. Thick black blood drips from his nose and ears like waves. Tiny white maggots surf to the ground. The general’s gray skin squeaks and pops as it stretches around the sudden violent bloating. Pestilence stumbles back a few steps and covers his nose with his cloaked arm.

  General O’Coddle’s body stops swelling, and his dead eyes dart around in their puffy sockets. His chin quivers like he is trying to talk or scream, but his throat is too swollen to open his mouth more than a fraction of an inch. The stiff and swollen corpse twitches and lets out a fart; extensive, deafening, and extremely malodorous. The longer the shit-splattering fart goes, the more General O’Coddle deflates until he returns to his barrel-chested norm.

  “What in the red-headed gypsy queefing fuck was that?” General O’Coddle growls. Dark clots of congealed blood fly from his mouth and catch in his white handlebar mustache.

  Pestilence smiles at him and says, “It was your soul, you half-rotten bastard. We don’t have time to argue or discuss ethics and shit. Get those dead fuckers back in line and tell me where to find some-fucking-thing to get me high!”

  General O’Coddle’s gray lips curl into a crooked smile, and he salutes Pestilence before turning on the balls of his feet to the deserting zombie soldiers behind him.

  “Atten-shun!” growls the dead general.

  A few of the military zombies stop and turn, but most keep moving. Pestilence’s legs buckle, and he falls to his knees in the middle of the highway. He curses at the ground for scratching his legs, then he turns and scoffs at the general.

  Rage flashes in General O’Coddle’s dead eyes, and he stumbles toward the closest runaway zombie. He grabs the dead soldier by the back of his head and pulls it to him, dragging the soldier’s heavy boots across the road. The soldier zombie fights in vain against the general’s iron grip, moaning and shouting loud enough that all the others turn to look. General O’Coddle shakes the dead soldier back and forth until he is sure all are watching.

  “I said GET THE FUCK BACK IN LINE!”

  With the horde still watching, General O’Coddle digs his meaty fingers into the dead soldier’s eyes. The zombie writhes and moans as O’Coddle lifts it off the ground simply by raising his arms. It kicks its dead legs weakly as General O’Coddle twists his hands in the zombie’s eye sockets and rams his thumbs through the side of the dead soldier’s skull. The zombie’s legs quit kicking as General O’Coddle roars and tears the head from the body in one quick brutal movement. The headless corpse crumples to the highway, and all but one soldier zombie stumble quickly back in line.

  General O’Coddle points to the sole deserter and says, “He must have been a hippy at heart,” to Pestilence, who is reaching into the folds of his robe.

  The general puffs to yell more, but Pestilence grabs his arm to silence him and help pull himself up. The hooded Horseman regains his feet and pulls a crossbow made of steel and used medical equipment from his cloak.

  “My turn,” he grins and winks at General O’Coddle. He takes aim with superhuman speed and shoots a hypodermic needle at the fleeing zombie. The dead soldier stumbles in a zig-zag in an attempt to avoid the projectile.

  “So,” Pestilence says to the general while continuing to watch the deserter. “Where next?”

  The dart swerves in midair and hits the zombie in the back of his thigh, sending small yellow chunks of bone flying. Yellowish-green bubbles sizzle from the wound as the acid devours the zombie’s flesh. The dead soldier howls, but the acid takes only a matter of seconds to silence it by reducing it to a smoldering pile of ashes.

  “I have a junkie brother who is a priest at a church close by,” O’Coddle smiles, “and I’d love to pay his whore-stealin’ ass a visit.”

  Pestilence tucks his crossbow back into the folds of his robe and slowly mounts his steed. Once atop his horse, he nods at the general. O’Coddle grunts and steps in front of the horse to lead the horde to Our Lady of Eternal Melancholy. They head off the freeway and into a neighborhood that looks to be accustomed to chaos. The houses that line the street are small and old, their paint peeling away in huge swaths. Most of the windows are boarded up. Demons screech and howl from nearby, but the horde ignores them. Human screams respond to the demon cries, and a muttering of discontent rumbles through the horde, forcing Pestilence to draw his crossbow and level it at the murmuring pack of zombies.

  General O’Coddle leads them to a pile of rubble and stops. Across an old wooden sign, the message “A stoned congregation and a disemboweled priest” is smeared in blood and shit. The smell of death hangs in the air around the ruins of the church, and the horde of dead soldiers pushes forward.

  “Whoa!” Pestilence yells to his steed.

  “Whoa!” he yells to the dead.

  Both ignore him. The horde stumbles like a bunch of drunken frat boys, forcing Pestilence out of their way as they converge on the rubble. He stares at the zombies digging away bricks, his eyes bugging out of their sockets. Sweat beads and drips off his forehead, and his throat dries out when he tries to speak. Two zombies pull a body from the rubble and then fall on it with hungry mouths. Soon, the entire horde is feasting on the freshly killed congregation.

  General O’Coddle moves toward the ruins, but Pestilence taps him in the back of the head with his crossbow. Pestilence twitches as his gut clenches, and he tells O’Coddle, “None for me, none for you.”

 
General O’Coddle smiles his black grin at Pestilence and sticks one meaty hand into the front of his pants. Drool drips at the corners of Pestilence’s mouth, and he wipes it away with the back of his slender hand. The general pulls his hand out and tosses Pestilence a bag of heroin three times the size of the last one.

  “Hold out on me again and I’ll tear your soul into tiny pieces and cram it up the ass of every soldier here,” Pestilence smiles at the tan in his hand before dumping the entire contents of the baggie onto his spoon. He snaps his fingers, and a sickly green flame sparks to life from his fingertips. He heats the spoon, fills the needle and slams it into his forearm, only hitting a vein by sheer chance.

  Pestilence’s eyes roll back in his head, and he tells the general, “Fine. Eat. We’ll … find … more … shi ...” He nods off midword while the horde enjoys the congregation buffet.

  Three Pervs and an Ice Cream Truck

  Nathan Chuzzle lives on a big-ass hill in Southern Oregon that overlooks an idyllic valley. In this valley sits the small town of Spewmuller. Named after some old fart who settled here about a million years ago. They said he came out west to make money. Dig up gold. But all he found was a big puffball of nothing. So he built a bordello and filled it with every kind of woman he could find. Big girls, little girls. Girls in fine clothes and some in rags. Every madwoman, outcast and recovering nun he could get his hands on ended up in the place.

  That’s how the town started. Built on the backs of whores. Literally. Chuzz once read on the Web that the city is one of the most promiscuous in the United fucking States of A. Hallelujah, brother.

  There used to be a lot of trees in Spewmuller. Rows of green that would inspire penis envy in the evergreen state of Washington if it could put down the coffee mug long enough to swing by.

  Now the town doesn’t look so good.

  Chuzz remembers driving to the grocery store just a day ago. No way he can do that now. The street is on fire. As are what trees remain, and most of the houses around him. Streaks of yellow crisscross the sky as rockets burn away clouds and anything else that gets in their way. A flock of fighter jets streaks overhead with a large shape in pursuit. It looks like a dragon, an actual dragon, with three heads and black oily spikes that drip ichor as its mighty wings beat at the air.

  Chuzz drops his gaze to the horizon just in time to see a foot swing into view. A really big foot. The thing looks like it’s the size of a bus, but maybe it is just his perspective. He tries to assure himself it’s just the angle, until the foot smashes the city into kindling. A horde of giant demons follow in close pursuit. Big red bastards about the size of minivans. Another one exits a house near Chuzz’s—just smashes through the wall like it’s not even there.

  Big horns all over its body. A human guy follows the demon, not out of any desire to be near it, but because he has no choice, impaled as he is on two of the demon’s ass horns. The red spikes protrude from his stomach and shoulder, and all he can do is flail and scream.

  Chuzz plucks a thorn out of his own ass. One of Stretch Bangstrom’s little gifts. Without thinking, he flings it at the demon. It falls short, and the creature turns to regard him.

  “Tasty.”

  “AHHHHHHH!” yells the punctured man. All Chuzz can see of him are his feet flopping from behind the red demon.

  The thing has a face like a movie star who has been through five or six too many plastic surgeries. Tight, bulbous, perched on a long neck that stretches at least three feet from its emaciated upper body. The lower body is where the mass is. Like a snake just finishing digesting a sumo wrestler.

  “Go away!” Chuzz yells.

  “AHHHHHHHH!” screams the guy stuck to the demon’s ass.

  Phil picks that moment to wander outside and investigate all the noise. He takes one look at the demon and screams in his best Phil.

  Fucking Phil!

  The monkey reaches behind himself and pulls a turd out of his ass with his one hand. He throws it at the demon and hauls ass back inside.

  “Oh real nice, Phil. You useless shit-flinging ass-monkey!” Chuzz calls after him.

  Stretch Bangstrom peeks over Chuzz’s shoulder. “We can take him. He ain’t so tough. Probably a second-circle fuck. Just use the microphone and toss him.”

  Chuzz looks at the little face from the corner of his eye and feels another sliver of sanity slip. Like a big block of cheese at which someone has been hacking all day. The chunk falls away and melts into a gooey lunacy dip complete with bell peppers and a side of fuck you corn chips.

  “You aren’t real. This isn’t real. None of it is real,” Chuzz whispers. The demon turns in a full circle as he seeks the source of the flung poo. The man stuck on his backside continues to scream.

  “I’m real, fucker. Real enough, bub. And you better get your act together or we are gonna be dead meat. You wanna die stuck to that demon’s ass? I don’t think you do!”

  “Get off my back!”

  “Idiot! Just pick him up with the microphone. Do it!”

  Stretch Bangstrom unsticks one arm and reaches into Chuzzle’s rear pocket. He pulls out the microphone and holds it up. Chuzz takes it in a trembling hand.

  “DO IT!”

  Chuzz stares at the demon, and the demon stares back. Blood drips from the thing’s mouth in a steady stream that sizzles when it hits the ground. Nathan P. Chuzzle points the microphone at the beast and wiggles it.

  Nothing happens. The demon takes one massive earth-pounding step toward him. Chuzz wiggles the thing again, but it doesn’t do anything.

  “AHHHHHHHH!” the poor bastard screams from behind the demon.

  Another flight of jets roars overhead, this one pursued by a squadron of harpies. They screech and howl as they close in on the jets. A couple of them sweep close to the ground, and Chuzz realizes the things are massive. Wings the span of a housetop. Maybe larger. They drip blood as well, and Chuzz is pretty sure he sees little chunks of people and metal hanging out of their mouths. Then they break straight up and rip the fighters out of the sky.

  “Hit the button!” The demon is so close that Chuzz picks up the distinct smell of rot and burning rubber. Or melting electronics. Maybe it is a combination of the three. Whatever it is, it is the smell of wrong.

  He hits the button while pointing the device. The demon breaks into a full charge. Big bug eyes swivel around in sockets the size of serving platters. They are green and brown, like diarrhea swimming in Jell-o. They lock on him, and Chuzz feels his knees go weak. Screw this hero shit. Screw going to Vegas to stop the Apocalypse. What was he thinking? These things are monstrous. They tower over him and drool blood. How the hell is he going to stop them?

  The toy! He triggers it again, and nothing happens. Then he remembers that he has to move it to make the thing do his will. He moves it up like he is going to toss the demon in the air. But he makes the trip instead.

  “Wrong button, fucktard!” Stretch Bangstrom yells in his ear so loud that it goes deaf.

  They are tossed fifty feet straight up. The chunk of asphalt on which Chuzz is standing is still beneath him, but the ground below is FAR away. He holds the microphone as steady as he can considering he is shaking like a leaf on one of those burning trees.

  The demon storms over the spot where Chuzz just stood, vaulting the hole where the missing asphalt should be and smashing into the side of the house.

  “Phil!”

  Chuzz whips the microphone back down, which makes the chunk of asphalt move so fast he loses contact with it. The piece is big, bigger than a pair of pickup trucks laid side by side, and when it smashes into the ground, it crushes the demon into a pulp that makes its former smell seem like cotton candy.

  Just before they hit, there is a fresh “AHHHHHHHH!” followed by a quick “FUCK!”

  Chuzz falls about a second and a half behind the road. It could be worse. Stretch Bangstrom twists and tugs Chuzz down by the seat of his pants so that he lands on the toy instead of on his face. Stretch takes a br
eath that expands his bendy body beneath Chuzz like a life vest. The toy cushions the fall somewhat, but the impact still drives the breath out of Chuzz’s body.

  Chuzz pushes himself to his hands and knees and gasps like a fish out of water. He can’t get a breath in. His head rings, and his body feels like it’s been spun in an industrial-size dryer for half an hour, then spit out on the ground and stomped on by a pair of size fifteen boots. Just to add insult to injury, and oh mother fucker how he is injured, he realizes that the impact popped his pants open, and his persistent hard-on is hanging out.

  “Ow, bitch!” Bangstrom hisses in his ear.

  “Ugh,” is all Chuzzle can manage.

  “I guess that’s one way to take out a demon. The easier way would be to hit the right damn button!”

  “How the hell am I supposed to know which button does what? That angel guy didn’t exactly give me a manual. Did he? Did he? No he did not, and I’m not really up on magic toys, so why don’t you just suck it?”

  Chuzz wants to sulk. Then again, he just took out a big red demon, so he also wants to feel proud. He wants to feel happy for a change, but his blue-tinged world is still on fire. The Apocalypse is still happening, and he still needs to figure out how the hell he is getting to Vegas to meet up with Leon.

  The house is a wreck. Door hanging off the hinge, windows smashed. Side caved in, roof falling off, lawn looking like it was tossed by a bulldozer. And there is red goop everywhere. Red demon crap that smells worse than the shit water.

  “That sucks!”

  Phil picks that moment to slide carefully out from under the hanging roof and punch Chuzz in the ass. Again.

  “Fucking Phil!” Chuzz screams and limps off to retrieve the heroin kit.

  “We need a ride,” the toy hisses. They creep down the street trying not to be spotted by the demons patrolling the area.

  Stupid red bastards are going from house to house, knocking politely before kicking in the doors and hauling screaming families out by the hair. Most make it to the street, but some are eaten right on the spot. They seem to like the young girls the most.