by Lee, Tara
Eli rubs my thigh and sighs.
“Baby, talk to me. Are you sure being in here is the right thing for you?”
I frown at him but keep hold of the stuffed bear. Why would he ask me something like that?
Eli swallows, and I can tell he wants to say more, but he’s unsure of how I’ll react. I wrap my hands around the fuzzy teddy as tears slip down my cheeks. Today is a bad day. I knew it would be the moment I woke up. Eli gently brushes the wet streaks from my skin. His other hand continues to rub soothing circles over my thighs and arms. Still I sit here, silently rocking. Eli slips back from me, giving me space. When he gets up, he takes a good look around the room. He draws in a sharp breath. I don’t dare look at him. I can’t take his pain on top of my own. I focus on the blue ribbon around the bear’s neck. I settle the brown bear into the curve of my arms, cuddling him close. Eli’s stare is heavy on my skin. He probably thinks I’m nuts. Maybe I am.
“Baby, I’m worried about you,” he says as he steps back by my side. My tears keep trickling down my cheeks. I swipe them away with one hand. I don’t know how long I’ve been in here, but it makes me feel closer to Harley to sit in the space that should’ve been his.
“You want to come down for dinner? I can make you anything you want.”
I shake my head I think I’ve lived off sandwiches and toast the last few weeks. And even they were a struggle to get them down. I only forced most of it down because of the concern Eli had written all over his face.
I constantly feel sick to my stomach.
“Baby, talk to me. You’re scaring me. I don’t know how to help you. Just tell me what to do please?”
He always wants to fix things. Well this is something he can’t fix. I don’t think I’ll ever be fixed.
“You can’t,” I simply say.
He sighs and rests his forehead against mine.
“I’m here for you, sweetheart. You know that, right? Even if you want to hit me,” he kind of chuckles saying the last bit.
I frown at him because even though I kind of hate him right now, I know it’ll eventually pass, and I’ll love him again. It’s just going to take some time.
“Give me time,” I whisper so softly I don’t think he heard me until he speaks again.
“Baby, I'll give you as much time as you need. But I want you to talk to me about this. Tell me how your feeling, what you’re thinking, anything. I just want you better again.”
Something inside me snaps. Better again. How will I ever get better again? I sit up and cross my arms over my legs.
“I’m never going to be better, Eli.”
He cups my cheek. His hand feels so warm and inviting.
I shake it away. I don’t deserve his warmth and affection.
“You will, baby. I promise.”
“How can you promise, Eli? You don’t know how I feel.”
“Then tell me,” he says, looking frustrated.
I sigh and get off the bed, keeping my back to him.
I feel him behind me. In seconds, his arms wrap around me. His chin rests on my shoulder. The flutter of his breath caresses the skin on my neck.
My tears start to fall. It’s all I do lately. I can’t stop them. It's like a waterfall has taken over my body.
“Baby, sshh. Don’t cry. I’m sorry I upset you. I don’t want you to cry. Baby, please,” he begs me then kisses my cheek and holds me as tightly as he can. It only makes it worse because he’s being so damn sweet, and I know he cares. But him being this sweet after what happened… I just can’t handle it.
“Why don’t you hate me?” I ask furiously, breaking out of his arms.
“What!” he asks, confused.
“Why don’t you hate me?”
“Why on Earth would I hate you, Charli?”
“Because I killed our son. Because—"
“Stop,” his voice is stern. “You did no such thing, Charlotte.”
My full name. He reserves that for when I’m in trouble.
“Why would you think you killed him?”
“Because I did. My body didn’t keep him safe.”
He places his hands on my shoulders and brings me to him, his eyes boring into mine.
There’s no mistaking the pain on his face. He’s hurt that I would think that.
“I would never blame you, Charli. You couldn’t help what happened no more than I could or the doctors. Don’t you think I tried blaming myself? For not waking up when you got out of bed? For not hearing you call out? For being a little aggressive in our lovemaking hours before? Everything that happened was not your fault, so don’t you dare blame yourself. Do you hear me?”
I sniff.
“Don’t you dare. I won’t have you blaming yourself for this. You can hate me all you like. I can handle that, but don’t ever blame yourself!”
“I feel like it’s my fault,” I say quietly.
He sighs, and then I’m in his arms. They feel safe.
“Baby, we’ll get through this I promise.”
“What if we don’t? What if this is what breaks us?” I ask.
He pulls me back to look at me.
“We’ll try our best to not let that happen. You can’t break what we have, sweetheart. It's too good.” He smiles, making a small smile tug on my lips.
“There she is,” he says, cupping my cheek.
I stare up at him.
“I haven’t seen your beautiful smile, even a slight one, in weeks.”
“I hate us both right now,” I say without meaning too.
He smirks at me.
“Baby, I don’t expect anything less. I know what you’re going through is difficult. I promise I’ll help you any way I can. And if that means you have to hate me for a while, then I’m okay with that.”
This man is a saint. I just told him I hate him, and he’s brushing it off like nothing.
“I know it's going to take some time, but you’ll get there, baby. I promise.”
I nod.
“I'm angry at myself.”
“I know you are. But like I said you can’t blame yourself, baby.”
“Why not?”
He grins this time.
“Because I won’t allow it. My woman is not going to blame herself for something she couldn’t control.”
“I’m mad at myself because I wasn’t able to do it.”
“Do what, baby?” he asks quietly, his finger stroking my cheek.
“The one thing a woman is supposed to be able to do.”
10
Eli
HEARING CHARLI SAY THOSE words guts me, utterly destroys me. She truly believes that?
She thinks I should hate her because she couldn't give me a child? I hate she’s blaming herself for this. She says she hates me, but I know it’s just her emotions talking. She's so overwhelmed at the moment. Maybe she really thinks she hates me, but deep down I know she loves me just as much as I love her.
This isn't going to break us. It's going to make us stronger. Nothing can break the bond we share.
I hold her tightly against my chest, needing to comfort her and myself. I need this connection. We haven't connected much in the last few weeks other than me holding her in silence, which is fine. I’m not rushing her. But I do miss having her affection. I long for her touch, her kiss. We haven’t kissed in what feels like forever. I'm being greedy and selfish, I know. But I miss that about us. We’ve always shown our love physically. Without the normal displays, it feels like she’s slipping right through my fingers.
She tugs herself out of my arms, making me reach for her.
“I need to use the bathroom.”
I nod as she steps towards the door.
“I'll be here,” I whisper.
I know I’ve been suffocating her, but I’m scared she’s going to do something to hurt herself. Is it bad for me to think that?
God, I don't know what to think anymore. I'm living on very little sleep, and my brain feels like it’s on an overdose of emotions.
The state she’s been in, she just hasn’t been herself. Today is the most she's spoken to me since it happened.
How do I help her heal?
When she comes back, I’m still standing in the spot she left me.
“I'm going to lie down,” she mumbles, brushing her hand over mine as she walks to the bed.
“Want me to snuggle with you?” I ask.
“If you want to.” She shrugs her shoulders.
I smirk because she doesn’t get it. Wherever she is, is the only place I’ll ever want to be.
I make my way to her and cuddle in behind her, bringing her to my chest. I kiss her head, making her sigh in contentment.
"Sleep, baby. I’ll always be here no matter how much you try to push me away. I’ll fight hard enough for the both of us. I'm not giving up on you. I'll never give up on you, baby,” I say, kissing her temple.
Eventually her breathing evens out as she drifts into a peaceful sleep. I feel her heartbeat against mine. Two hearts, beating as one. If this is a fairytale, it’s one messed up story.
* * *
Knocking on the front door wakes me from my sleep.
Longingly, I look down at Charli still snuggled against me. Tenderly, I brush her face with my fingers, and she lets out a soft moan
I lift her off me, placing her on the bed slowly, trying not to wake her.
The knocking continues as I make my way down the stairs
“Yeah, yeah I’m coming hold your horses. Will you?”
When I open the door, Jensen and Carter are standing there.
“Hey,” they both say in unison.
“Hey,” I answer, wiping my eyes. “What’s up?”
“Well, we come over to check on you,” Jensen says as he brushes past me. Carter follows him.
This is not what I needed right now. I want to be upstairs, asleep, holding Charli.
Why didn’t Jensen just let himself in? He has before.
No one has mentioned my breakdown. I know they were all here, taking care of me and Charli. I hate they saw me finally lose it. Once we were home and settled, reality finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Our son would never come home. We’d never see his smile. Or hear his first word. Or see him take his first steps. We’d never get to watch him grow up. Honestly, I’m surprised I didn’t break down sooner. Taking care of Charli and worrying about her had allowed me to live in denial for a while.
I’m doing better. I still had my moments, but the guys have been helping make sure I have someone to talk to since Charli has gone silent on me.
“Check on me? How about you? How are you doing?” I say, nodding to Jensen. He’s been dealing with the knowledge that either he or Charli is adopted on his own. So far, he’s decided not to tell her. I agree. She has too much on her mind right now and enough stress. Knowing they’re not blood related would just escalate things.
Jensen runs his fingers through his already messy hair, like he’s been doing it all day.
“Yeah. I’m okay, I guess. It is what it is you know?”
“Yeah, I get that.”
“You guys told Charli yet?” Carter asks. We both glare at him.
“Are you fucking crazy, dude? Why would we tell her this? We can’t. Not yet anyway,” Jensen states.
“Yeah,” I add.
“It’ll just make her even more upset than she already is. Trust me, she can’t handle this on top of everything else right now.”
Carter nods like he doesn’t believe us but agrees anyway.
“Do you think it's for the best? Keeping this from her?”
“Dude!” Jensen says.
“Look, we’re not telling her, okay?” I say annoyed at Carter for even bringing it up.
“Telling me what?”
We all turn at the sound of Charli’s voice at the top of the stairs. She's standing there with her arms crossed over her chest.
“Baby, you should be resting,” I say, making my way to her.
“No, what is Carter talking about? What aren’t you telling me?” she says, moving past me down the stairs.
“Charli—”
“No. Jensen, what are you hiding? I’m a big girl. I can handle it.” She plants her hand on her hip stubbornly.
“Sis, you’re barely keeping it together now,” he pleads.
She crosses her arms over her chest, glaring at her brother.
“I may not be myself right now, and I may be vulnerable and emotional, but that doesn’t give either of you the right to hide things from me. To make these decisions for me. Whatever it is, it sounds like a big deal.”
We both sigh. Damn you, Carter, and your big mouth.
“We should sit down,” I tell her, helping her down the rest of the stairs to sit.
We all sit in the living room.
Carter mumbles, “I’m gonna go. This is a family moment.” He disappears out the front door.
“Do you want me to stay?” I ask Jensen.
He nods. “Yeah, could you?” He swallows. I know he hasn’t been looking forward to telling her this news.
“One of us is adopted,” He blurts before he can back out.
“What?” Charli states, shaking her head in confusion. “You have to be joking. Right? We’re siblings, Jensen.”
He chuckles.
“Yeah, we are, Charlotte. But that doesn’t explain why our DNA says we don’t share a parent.”
“OK?” Confusion clouds her eyes
“So, we're not blood related. So, one of us has to be adopted.”
Her hands fly to her mouth, and she lets out a soft sob.
I grip her thigh, and she stares at me.
“Did you know about this?” the words come out choked.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she yells.
“Baby, you were hurting. And I thought it was Jensen's place to tell you. He’s your brother I thought it was best coming from him.”
She doesn’t say another word to either of us. She just stares at the floor. I know she’s hurting and confused right now.
“I feel betrayed,” she finally says softly.
“What do you mean?” Jensen asks her, coming and sitting on the other side of her.
“Our whole lives, Mom and Dad lied to us. Why didn’t they tell us?”
He sighs, and I know this thought has played in his mind too.
“I don’t know, Charli.”
“I'm going to lie down.” With that, she gets up and trudges up the stairs.
I take a deep breath, because now that she knows, I’m worried this will tip her over the edge.
“She came downstairs. That's progress,” Jensen says matter-of-factly,
I chuckle.
“Yeah, she did, didn’t she? I’m really worried about her, Jens.”
He slaps his hand on my shoulder. “I am too, bud. How are you holding up?”
I shrug because I really don’t know any more. I’ve been too concerned for Charli. I haven’t had time to process everything properly myself.
“If you need to talk.”
“I know you're here.”
He smiles
“This is fucked,” I say, running my fingers through my hair then down my face.
“Dude, don’t lie to me and tell me you're fine.”
I stare at Jensen and swallow the lump in my throat.
I scrunch my eyes shut, trying to block out everything. The memory of finding Charli on the floor blood coming out of her. Cradling her until the ambulance got there. Then thinking I was going to lose her too.
I drag my hand down my face, wiping stray tears away. The fact I couldn’t help her that night. That I couldn’t save our son haunts me every day.
Charli hates the sight of me. I can tell. She can barely look at me.
“I think this just might ruin us,” I say softly afraid to admit it out loud.
I’m not sure he’s heard me until he speaks, “What do you mean?”
“Charli can’t stand
to look at me. I know it’s because I remind her of what she’s lost.”
“Dude, she doesn’t hate you.”
I sigh. “She told me she does.”
“What?”
I smirk a little. “Yeah. She said she hates me and herself right now.”
“I'm sorry, dude. I know you guys will sort this out. I mean you guys fought to be together. Now’s not the time to give up. Every love story has a few bumps in the road. Doesn’t mean it won’t get the happily ever after it’s destined for.”
“When did you start dishing out love advice?” I joke.
He chuckles. “Take it or leave it, brother. But I know my sister. She’ll come around. She can be stubborn, but with what you guys have gone through, I’d expect you both to be a little messed up.”
“Yeah, I guess. I just don’t know what to do to help her.”
“Keep doing what you’re doing. She made it downstairs today. Man, when was the last time she came out of the room?”
“The funeral was the last time.”
He nods. “So, that's progress. That was nearly a month ago. She’s slowly getting there. Maybe both you guys should talk to a different doctor.”
He claps my shoulder and stands up ready to go.
"I know someone. She's new to the area, but she's great at what she does. I'll give her your names. It wouldn't hurt to go in and just discuss things with her."
I nod because maybe he’s right. Maybe we both need to see someone, not just Charli.
* * *
Finding Charli in the nursery has become a more frequent thing. I often find her sitting in the rocking chair, holding the teddy or a onesie. The first few times, she didn’t even notice me, so I’d just watch her. I hate seeing the pain on her face. Tears would run down her cheeks, and her body would visibly shake. Those days are the worst. I don’t know how to fix this. Maybe because it can’t be fixed. How would Charli ever move on from this? How would we move on?
She still hasn’t come downstairs. I’ve tried numerous times, but nothing works. I know whatever I feel, Charli feels that ten times over. She was the one to carry Harley while he grew. She had a bond with him, one I never got to experience. I still partially blame myself for her losing him. I can’t help but wonder if the roughness of the sex we had just before… is what caused her to lose him. When I confessed this to Jensen, he told me that it wasn’t possible. Sex wouldn’t have triggered her placenta tearing. But I still feel like in some way it’s my fault no matter what Jensen says.