by Lee, Tara
Standing, I go looking for Charli, knowing she’ll be in the nursery. I peek in at her. Today she’s holding a baby blanket, cuddled up asleep in the rocking chair. I sigh taking in her sleeping form. Even in her sleep, sadness covers her face. I want to end her pain so badly. I’m desperate to get back my Charli, the girl I fell in love with. I watch her for a while, until I have to look away because I feel my own tears building. We missed out on so much, having our son taken away from us so soon. It’s a kick in the gut. I feel like someone is trying to tell us something.
Perhaps, we aren’t meant to be parents. I want to give Charli a family, but what if it happens again? How would Charli cope? How would I?
I run my hands over my face. I’m fucking exhausted. But I know sleep won’t come. I haven’t done much of that since bringing Charli home. Sometimes when I do fall asleep, I wake up, hoping it’s all some big fucking nightmare. My eyes dart around praying to find Harley in Charli’s arms, safe and sound. But we’re living the nightmare. This suffocating grief is our reality. It fucking sucks. Charli stirs a little. But I leave her where she is. I don’t want to wake her and upset her. She’ll come lie down in bed when she’s ready. I shut the door softly then make my way to our room. I need a shower and to nap for a week. But I’ll take what I can get.
As I stand under the spray, the creak of our door opening hits my ears. Charli must have woken up and come to bed. Once I finish up, I come out to find her lying on her side, facing away from me. Quietly, I climb onto the bed, feeling it dip with my weight. Charli exhales and shifts away a little. She’s making it clear she’s not in the mood for me to hold her. I bend over and place a kiss on her cheek. She sniffs as I move back. I notice the teddy in her embrace. Her pain and mine. The little fuzzy bear helps her feel close to Harley. I shift on to my back and stare up at the ceiling. My silent tears fall as my heart breaks a little more for my Charli.
11
Charli
I’m not sure what time it is because no light peeks through the curtains, but I assume it’s the afternoon at least.
Eli has been up and checked on me every half an hour. I love that he’s concerned about my well being, but he’s starting to drive me crazy. I just want to be left alone. I need time to process. Can’t they all see that?
I take a deep breath. My head hurts from crying. My throat is dry, and my belly is grumbling.
I slide the covers off me and go in search of food. It’s been a long time since I’ve eaten a real meal. Over the last month I’ve eaten just enough to keep me going. Eli has practically forced food and water down my throat.
The stairs creak as I head down.
“Charli?” Eli calls.
I get to the bottom when he rounds the corner.
“You okay, baby?”
I wince at the word baby.
“Hungry,” I say quietly
“Ok. Let me fix you something,” he says, guiding me into the kitchen with his hand on my lower back. His touch seems different today, his hand is more firmer.
He leads me to the stool and kisses my forehead, then goes to the fridge to find me something to eat.
His back is to me. I admire the way his muscles stretch his shirt as he moves. I shake it off because even though it’s been a while for us, I’m not in the mood to be intimate. My body is a traitor though. It's desperate for Eli's touch. He's been way too gentle with me.
Eli turns, and his eyes find mine. The small smile he gives me is enough to make me melt. He’s been so good to me. But I can’t even look at him because he reminds me of what I lost. We lost. And what I'll never be able to give him.
“I spoke with Jensen today,” he says as he makes me a grilled cheese.
I nod, encouraging him to go on.
“He said we should both go talk to someone. I think he’s right. We need help, Charli.”
“I don’t want to talk to a stranger.” I sigh
“Well, you don’t want to talk to me either, baby. Something has to give. I’m doing all I can to help you, but if you won’t let me in, how am I supposed to help make you feel better?”
“I don’t think I'll ever feel better, Eli.” I twist my hands in my lap as I bite my bottom lip.
He stops what he’s doing and comes around the counter, pulling me into his arms. My head rests on his chest, and he runs his hands up and down my back.
“I know. I can't bring him back. I wish I could.”
I sniff at his words.
“I know what you’re feeling hurts. I know you feel like you’re dying inside and that you would’ve done anything to trade places with him.”
I lift my head, staring at his face. How does he know? I run my fingers down his cheek, and he closes his eyes at my touch. His hand wraps around mine, and he kisses my palm.
“I know because I feel the same way. If I could’ve traded places with our son, I would have in a heartbeat, angel. But I nearly lost you too.” His eyes fill with tears.
"I’d already lost him," he says, closing his eyes as tears fall down his cheeks,
I hold back my own tears.
“Don’t make me lose you too.”
He brings our foreheads together, and we sit wrapped around each other for what seems like hours. This is the first time I’ve held him back since the hospital.
Eli breaks away.
“As much as I want to hold you like this all night, I need to feed you,” he says, kissing my nose. I give him a small smile.
His eyes go wide in surprise.
“Did you just smile?”
I shrug, trying to hold back another.
He cups my cheek.
“You don’t know how amazing it is and how beautiful you are when you do.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“For what, baby?”
“Being patient with me. I know I have a long road to go, and I’m still not a hundred percent yet.”
“I just want you happy, angel. And if that means you need to take some time to be alone or to cry, then I’m okay with that. But please don’t shut me out. I’ll hold you for as long as you want me to while you cry. You can even punch me if it’ll help get some of it out.”
“Thank you,” I say as he places my grilled cheese in front of me. It smells divine. But given how little I’ve eaten the last month, I’m sure anything would smell amazing at this point.
I know I have a long road ahead of me, and I’m going to have bad days. Eli wants me to not shut him out. So, I’m going to try. I really am. Today has been good for us. It reminded me that I do love Eli. That hasn’t changed. I just need to accept that I’ll never carry his children. I’m not sure that’s something I can get over easily. As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted a family with Eli. Mini Eli’s running around. But after losing Harley, I’m not so sure what the future holds for us.
12
Charli
TODAY IS OUR FIRST therapy session.
My hands twist anxiously in my lap while Eli’s hand rests on my thigh. He knows I’m nervous. But Jensen told us this lady is wonderful, professional and sweet. So, I’m hoping I’m comfortable enough around her to open up.
“Charli, Eli?”
A lady with long, blonde hair and glasses approaches us. Nodding, we stand, and she leads us to a quiet room. The sun is shining through the window. It’s a pretty normal looking room. There’s a couch on one side, and a single chair sits opposite a coffee table dividing them with a box of tissues on top.
“My name is Dr. Tiffany Green. I’m here to listen and help you move forward.”
Eli and I both nod. My hands are firmly wrapped around his. I feel the weight of him looking at me. I brush it off. I know I haven’t held his hand like this in a long time.
“So, Eli, why don’t you tell me why you’re here? Tell me a little about yourselves.”
Eli clears his throat. The look on his face makes me stare at him.
“Eli?” Dr. Green asks.
He shakes his head, jerking himself
out of the trance he was just in.
“We lost our… son…”
He clears his throat again as my tears build.
“We lost our son over a month ago,” his voice is stronger.
“I'm so sorry for your loss. May I ask how it happened?”
“He was stillborn, seven and a half months. Charli suffered from a placental abruption."
“How have you both been dealing with that loss?” she asks me.
I shrug because we haven't been dealing.
“I've been keeping to myself a lot.” It comes out as a whisper
“How do you mean?”
“I didn’t leave our room for weeks. I only left to attend his funeral. I didn’t even really talk until last week.”
“I see,” she says, writing on her notepad.
“What about you, Eli? How have you been coping?”
“I, um was angry. Am angry a lot,” he says, looking at the floor
“Angry?”
He nods.
“How so? Have you let out your anger in any way?”
“No. I've just…” He stops, rubbing his hand on his jeans.
"Well, actually, I smashed a heap of our outdoor furniture. It didn't help."
I glance over at him. I saw the mess outside before the guys cleaned it up. I heard Eli when he was in a rage, but I knew it was his way of dealing.
“Ok. So, you’ve both been dealing with your loss differently. That's perfectly normal. How have things been between the two of since it happened? Are you connecting emotionally? Physically?”
We look at each other. This is the first time we’ve even held hands. I mean I’ve let Eli hold me. Other than that, there’s been nothing. We haven’t even kissed, not like we normally would.
“So, no sex?” Dr. Green asks
I shake my head. Eli speaks up, “Charli hasn’t had her eight-week checkup yet. So, no.”
“What about kissing?”
Eli clears his throat.
She lays her pad and pen on the table and leans towards us. “Ok, look I know it’s not about the sex. But you guys are here because you want to get help. Am I right?”
I nod and so does Eli.
“Ok, being intimate with each other again, connecting and physically demonstrating your love for each other will help you both heal. You can lean on each other, guide each other, be there for each other. I’m not saying you need to run off and have crazy sex every day. Start off small, holding hands for example,” she says, nodding at our hands. “When was the last time you did that?”
“It’s been awhile,” Eli says gently.
“Okay, so I want you guys to talk to each other. You have to help each other heal. No one knows better about what you're going through than each other.”
I nod and give her a small smile. She’s right. We have been distant. We lost more than our baby when Harley died. We lost us.
“I want you each to do something loving for the other. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, just something small.”
We both nod. I can do that. Something small.
“I want to help you to get back to being you. Your relationship is important. Being there for one another is what’s going to help you cope. It’s a big loss losing a child. Something no parent should ever have to go through. I want you to remember each other. Be aware of each other.”
“Is there anything you want to add?” Dr. Green asks us she looks from Eli to me.
“I just want to help Charli. She hasn’t been the same since. And I hate that she blames herself,” Eli says as my eyes fill with tears.
“Charlotte, is that true? You blame yourself for losing your baby?”
I nod and wipe my hand over my cheek, as my tears fall.
She hands me the tissue box.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“It’s normal for you to feel that way. But I don’t want you blaming yourself. It wasn’t your fault. And I’m sure Eli has told you that numerous times. Unfortunately, these things happen. In life there are things we can’t control. Is it bad? Yes, it’s heartbreaking. And I’m sure it’s something that’ll stay with you until the day you die. But blaming yourself won’t bring him back. It won’t change what happened. You can only move forward from here. This tragedy doesn’t mean that you can’t go on to have a successful, healthy pregnancy. A loss is not an indication that something will go wrong next time. I even know couples who were told they’d never have children, only to have a bunch of them now. It is possible to still have a family together. There’s a light at the end of that very dark tunnel. Sometimes it just takes a little shoving and pushing to break through. And you will. That I know for sure. But it’ll take some time.”
Eli’s arm wraps around me, and he kisses my temple. I know with Eli by my side, I’ll get through this.
* * *
As we finish up our appointment, she gives us each a task and homework.
On our way home, my hand remains in Eli’s. He brings it to his mouth and kisses my knuckles.
“Did you like her?”
I nod.
“She was nice,” he offers.
“Yeah, she was.”
“What did you think of the session?”
“Okay, I guess. It’ll just be weird for a while talking to a stranger.”
I see him nod out of the corner of my eye.
“I’ll do anything to help you, baby. I just want to help.”
“I know,” I say softly.
“I love you,” Eli says, looking over at me as he pulls to a stop at the light.
“I love you too,” I say and give him a small smile.
He leans over and takes my lips in his. The kiss is soft and warm, but desperate and passionate at the same time.
A soft moan breaks free from me, and Eli pulls back resting his forehead on mine.
A car horn blares behind us, alerting us to the green light.
Eli chuckles, and I can’t help the small giggle that breaks free.
When we pull into our driveway, Eli stops the car. We sit there for a while, neither of us saying a word.
Eli turns to me. “How about we order take out and watch a bad movie?”
I nod. I like that idea. “That sounds nice.”
“Popcorn?”
I laugh. “Do you need to ask?”
He shakes his head. “No, you’re right. What was I thinking?”
* * *
Ever since losing Harley, I haven’t even thought about marrying Eli. Our wedding day had come and gone, but for some reason it didn’t bother me. The ceremony was going to be on the beach, so there was no deposit lost there. And since we were having our reception at The Grove Bar, we didn’t lose our deposit or any money. My old bosses simply told Eli just to let them know when we wanted to reschedule.
I’m thankful for their generosity, but at this point I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever be ready to get married. Everyone has been so kind and understanding. But I can’t find it in me to even care. I’m so angry at everything. I think I don’t want to get married anymore at all. Why should my life continue like some fairytale when my baby died? Eli would marry me tomorrow if I told him I wanted to. But I don’t and he wouldn’t understand why. No one would. How could they? My heart is in a tiny thousand pieces and nothing will ever heal it.
As each day passes, I feel as if nothing is going to change. My heart breaks more and more every day. Every day I get without my son is a knife to my heart.
I didn’t even get to hold him or say goodbye. It was stolen from me. I failed as his mother. I couldn’t protect him, couldn’t save him.
Every time I look in Eli’s eyes, I see his pain. I feel his pain every time he holds me. He wants to heal me, but I’m not so sure he’ll ever be able to. Yesterday, I found my wedding dress in the wardrobe, hidden in the back so Eli wouldn’t find it. I wanted to throw it out the window. It reminded me of a happier time. A time when our future was planned out and nothing was in our way. Now it’s like a roadblo
ck has gone up, and no matter what, we’ll never get through it.
I just want to get rid of it. That dress reminds me of everything I’ve lost. It was made for my belly… so it wouldn’t squish our little boy who was supposed to still be growing inside of me the day I took his father’s last name. But now… Now, it’s too painful of a memory. If I do marry Eli someday, I want a different dress. Something that won’t hold these awful memories. The silky white fabric of this dress is tainted to me now. Maybe I’ll talk to Eli about selling it. Perhaps he’ll understand. At least I hope he will.
13
Eli
THREE MONTHS LATER…
CHARLI STILL HAS GOOD days and bad ones.
Therapy is helping us both. We even had our first real date in months just the other day. It was only to the beach for a picnic, but it’s a start.
She still hides out in our room on her bad days, but it’s getting better. She’s eating properly again. We’ve started training together. That gives us something to enjoy together.
Sometimes I find her in the nursery cradling the teddy bear she bought to give our son on the day he was born. Those days are the worst. It breaks my heart seeing her sitting there rocking in the chair snuggling the teddy like she was cuddling a baby. Each time, I have to look away before I break down. It pains me to see her so broken.
Finally, I spoke to Jensen about helping me pack up the nursery. It’s time. It sitting there empty isn’t good for Charli. She needs closure.
She’ll probably hate me for doing it without asking, but it’s the only thing I can think of that might help her.