by Lee, Tara
"You can go home and until further notice your suspended."
Cameron has his boss face on I'm no longer talking to my mentor or friend.
"I mean seriously man this is the fourth time you've been drunk before a shift I can't keep covering for you, do you want to lose your internship?"
I shrug because I don't really care anymore I know it sounds childish but my whole life has been turned upside down in the matter of weeks.
the little girl yesterday was icing on the very fucked up cake.
"You stop caring haven't you?"
I shrug again.
"Stop being so damn childish your not a kid anymore Jensen your a twenty six year old man." Cameron yells at me.
"Go home get some rest and stop with the fucking booze your going to get yourself fired and I for one don't want to see you throw away the future you have worked too damn hard for."
"Yes dad." I say sarcastically.
"Don't give me the fucking attitude Jensen, I've put my career on the line for your ass and enough is enough do you hear me?"
With that I stand and make my out of his office before I get very far Cam stops me.
“Jensen.”
I turn and see him making his way to me.
“I mean what I said your suspend take some time to sort out your life, and maybe go down to Minnesota?” He says lifting his eyebrow in a stern look.
I let out a breath, why would I want to go there, just because thats were my supposed parents live.
I go to turn and walk off but Cam’s hand wraps around my arm stopping me.
“I mean it Jensen get your shit together. I don’t want to see you get fired but if it comes down to it, you will and I won’t be able to help you anymore.” Than he walks back to his office
I stare after him once he shuts his door I know he’s right, fuck why does he have to be right.
I’m down the elevator and outside before anyone stops to talk to me.
I have no idea how long I’m suspended for but maybe I should go down there, see them at least even if I don’t stay long. I mean fuck why would I want to stay in Minnesota, there isn’t anything that could possibly get me to stay.
I'm sipping on beer when I hear a knock at the door. I let out a huff because I know it’s only someone coming to check on me.
Before I even stand to let whoever it is in, Eli opens my door and walks in with Tyler and Lucas following behind him.
I glare at them, and continue to sip my beer.
I’m about to take another swig when I feel the bottle being yanked out of my hands.
“Dude what the fuck.” I yell at Eli.
I go to stand but stumble Lucas catches me and shoves me back down.
I hear Eli in my kitchen I stand up staying upright this time and make my way to him.
“Dude what the fuck?” I say again I run over to him he’s tipping every beer down the drain. I try to shove him to stop him but he doesn't budge.
Tyler and Lucas hold me back as Eli tips every bit of alcohol I have down the drain.
“Enough is enough.” Eli says turning to face me he has a stern look on his face.
He has that disappointed look the one where he doesn't know what to do.
Yeah well join the fucking club buddy.
I shove the guys off and brace myself on the table, my legs are wobbly those last few beers went straight to my head.
“Its time to stop Jensen, this getting drunk every day shit, isn’t you.” Eli barks
“I’m sick of Charli worrying about you and if you've remembered to eat, she has our daughters to worrying about she shouldn't be stressing over her brother who’s damn sure old enough to act the age he is. your acting like a damn teenager.”
Geez since he’s become a dad Eli has changed, his dad voice doesn't scare me and who the fuck does he think he is he’s not my keeper I didn't ask him to be here, I'm quite capable of taking care of my self.
“If you want to drown in your sorrows then go for it, I won't stop you. But if you want to man up and find yourself then go out and do it.” Eli says furiously.
I stare at him out of everyone here I thought he’d understand me be able to know what I'm going through.
He’s my best friend, no he’s my brother always has been and here he stands demanding that I man up.
I step away from Eli before I do something I'll regret. Why won't they just leave me alone let me drown my sorrows in peace.
I sink down on the sofa and run my hands over my face as I count to ten trying to calm myself down.
in the back of my mind I know he’s right but can't I just have this time to dwell on things to feel hurt.
I feel a hand on my shoulder I don’t bother seeing who it is.
“Jens,” Tyler says I feel him sit next to me.
“We’re just worried bro, I mean this isn't you at all I know what your going trough is tough. Fuck man we’ve all been through some shit lately but this has to stop. Your going to end up killing yourself because you can't control your drinking.” He lets out a breath and I know he’s not finished yet.
“Life is never going to be easy.” He tells me and he’s right about that. Lately I feel like my life has spiralled out of control I can't control my emotions and drinking seems to help take the pain away, even if only for a short time.
“You need to take control of your life, go out there find what your searching for, only you can find the answers Jensen.” Lucas says sitting across from me I look up and see Eli has joined them he’s staring at me unsure of what I'll say.
I sniff but can't help the tears that build, I'm not an emotional person I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. Being a doctor I have to be able to separate things. Its easier said then done sometimes but I try my hardest.
Tyler sighs and I know they don't know what to say or do to help me.
No one can help me, I feel so alone even though I'm surrounded by people who care about me.
“ Life has always taught me, no matter what it throws at you. You can grab it by the balls and show it who’s flying this damn plane.” Tyler says beside me.
I look over at him.
“What if I don't know how?”
He places his hand on my shoulder and smiles.
“We can help but you have to admit to yourself you need help bro.”
“You don't have to struggle alone Jens, were here for you.” Lucas says coming to sit on my other side.
Eli stays sitting across from me but I can see he wants to say something else.
I run my hands over my face frantically, I feel like giving up but I know they won't let that happen.
My tears fall and I brush them off. I can't stop them once they have started the flood gates have opened and I no longer have control.
“Help.” I whisper and sink into my hands.
I feel arms wrap around me and pull me close.
I sob like I've never sobbed before while my friends hold me.
Everything I've been holding in these last few weeks comes pouring out. I feel ashamed to admit I lost control, but my thoughts plagued my mind and I needed to drown them out.
I wipe my sleeve across my nose and sniff, my throat feels tight and I swallow the lump down.
“I think you need to find them, talk to them only they can fill this hole you have Jens.” Eli’s voice comes through my ears and I look up from my hands.
“I feel so alone.” I say softly,
“Your not alone.” He says his forehead touches mine and I break again.
My friends hold me while I let everything out.
Once I’m finished Eli brings me back to his place he said Charli would love to see me and so would my niece.
I of course made sure to shower and shave before we left, I didn't need Charli worrying anymore than she already has.
As soon as I enter the house my niece is running up to me wanting my attention. Her little face makes me smile and its in this moment I realise I truly need to find my birth parents. I
know I'll never move on if I don’t I owe it to myself to get the answers I deserve.
I spend a few days with my family before I even think about leaving, I've been tossing and turning if I should even go. What if its all one big mistake?
I’m sitting on the couch with Eli watching the game, Charli is putting Harmony to bed I'm hoping these two don’t get all lovey doves in front of me. I mean I'm okay with them being like that because I know Eli has trouble keeping his hands off Charli, not that I should know that but I do. But it makes me uncomfortable when they do it n front of me I haven't been one to show affection like that and I find it hard to open myself up to love so when I see it around me I get uneasy about it, because I always think how would you give yourself to someone so deeply, I've lost enough people in my life to know being in love with someone ruins you.
Charli walks back into the room Eli eyes her as she walks. She smiles at him and he winks at her.
I roll my eyes.
“Do you have to eye fuck my sister like that why I'm sitting right here?” I ask him
Eli chuckles
“You could always close your eyes dude.”
I roll my eyes again and take a sip of the beer I'm holding.
“Do you boys need another beer?” Charli ask leaning over Eli and kissing his cheek she leans back but he captures her head and pulls her lips to his they suck face for a while while I let out a groan.
I hear Eli chuckle and I shake my head.
“He doesn't want me eye fucking you while he’s in the room.”
Charli giggles and sits in Eli’s lap
“If you two start getting touchy I may vomit.”
Eli grabs Charli’s boob just to annoy me and licks up the side of her neck.
“Just so you know Jens, since Harmony has come along I haven’t been able to touch Charli let alone fuck her senseless so we need grown up time bad.”
“You did not just say that.” I glare at him
“Live with it dude. Your a grown man, not only that a doctor I'm sure you know how babies are made.”
I clench my jaw because I don’t want to be punching my best friend in the face. But he’s pushing my buttons right now.
“I’m going to bed” I announce I get up and head to the spare room I'm staying in I hear Eli laugh and curse under my breath at him. Damn him for being so open with love.