by Ali Parker
Maybe it was because I was so much more emotionally invested. I had only been here for a short while, after all. It wasn’t nearly enough to hoard material things.
I should have been happy that I had nearly nothing to take care of before I left. Instead, I felt awful, and I didn’t know why.
That was a lie. I was lying to myself. I knew exactly why I felt awful. I’d said goodbye to people I cared about, people I would have liked to have as a part of my life. Friends, family. Mila.
I shook off the thought. Looking back and crying about it wasn’t going to do anyone any good. The only thing I could do about it was put my head down and do what needed to be done.
As soon as I hit the ground in New York, everything was going to be a roller-coaster ride. Tomorrow was the big changeover. There was documentation that had to be signed, shareholders that had to be informed, meetings that had to be held to put new management into position so business could flow the way it should.
It was frustrating because we had gone through it all only a few weeks ago when Uncle Dean had bought over my half of the business. Now, the whole business belonged to me, and even though it was a giant stumbling block that needed to be overcome, it had to be done.
I thought about what was happening with the investigation. When Penny had come to me, telling me they were investigating the crash as murder, I had been upset. Why would they make something that was already hard even harder? Especially for Penny? But the more I’d thought about it, the more I understood why they were doing this. They had reason to believe there had been foul play involved. Thinking back to the things I had noticed, that it had been so similar to how my father had died, I had started to agree with them.
Something just didn’t make sense.
So far, nothing had come of the investigation, but it had only been a few days. Maybe something would come of it still. I was nervous about what it would offer. Who could have done this to my dad and stepmom and to Uncle Dean? And what was this all about? If it was about the money, it didn’t make sense to kill everyone off if the business was only going to go to the next person in the will.
Unless the person who was doing it was in the will. But that had stopped by me. I didn’t have the company in my will yet. I still had to take care of everything. At this point, I was trying to keep my head above water.
I checked my watch. I had been daydreaming longer than I’d thought. I had to get to the airport as soon as I could, or I would miss my flight.
I started loading my things into my car. It wasn’t a lot to take care of, and I had asked the owner of the apartment I had leased if I could store it there. Now, I was in the driveway loading the car.
Mila’s car pulled up behind me, and she turned off the engine before getting out.
“Good, you’re still here,” she said.
“Only just. You’re lucky I’m running late, or you would have missed me.”
She nodded.
“What are you doing here?” I asked when she didn’t say anything to carry on with the small talk.
“I want to talk to you. Not about the trivial shit, either. I want to talk about what’s real, about what happened between us. Or did I imagine it all and there was nothing?”
I sighed. I should have known she would want this. It was the right thing to do, to talk about it. I had been a coward and avoided it, but Mila wasn’t the type of woman to let things go and sit in a corner, passive aggressive about what could and couldn’t be.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “You’re right. We should talk about it. I’ve been meaning to, but things have been on its head since the news with Uncle Dean came through.”
Mila folded her arms over her chest. She was determined. She was so attractive with that look on her face and the way she stood there, demanding I man up. I would have kissed her if there wasn’t so much going on in my life right now.
“I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t want you to hide behind everything that’s going wrong. Can we just talk about it and get it over with? I’m going crazy not knowing where we stand.”
Again, that assertiveness. It was so beautiful on her.
“I wanted to talk to you yesterday at the hospital,” I said.
“Then, why didn’t you?”
“There wasn’t enough time during lunch.”
“You were the one who cut it short,” she shot back. And she was right.
“I know,” I said, taking a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have run out on you. That was wrong. I have feelings for you, and I wanted to take it further. That’s the truth.”
Mila’s face showed nothing, so I powered on.
“But Jerrod wouldn’t approve, you know that. And there’s so much going on in my life right now. I’m going back to New York. I have a company to take care of. I just don’t think it’s right that we start anything.”
Mila shook her head. “Can we not focus on what’s right and wrong right now? Just tell me how you feel.”
“Mila, this isn’t the right time.”
“When will be the right time? You’re leaving, and I have a feeling it might be another seven years before I see you. If not more. Are you going to wait that long?”
I stifled a groan. I had to cut the cord right now if I was going to walk away from this in one piece. Otherwise, this woman—this wonderful human being and everything I felt for her—was only going to tear me apart.
“Just tell me how you feel about me, Ben,” Mila said. “I just want to know where we stand. I just want you to put it into words for me. Whatever it is.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I could tell her right now that I was in love with her. She stood before me, her big brown eyes pleading even though her face showed nothing, and she was everything I ever wanted in a woman. But I couldn’t do this to her. I wouldn’t.
“You know you’ve always meant so much to me,” I started. “You’re Jerrod’s little sister. You will always have a special place in my heart.”
“A special place?” she said incredulously. “Do you kiss everyone you have a special place in your heart for? Or was that only the alcohol talking?”
I shook my head. I had to do this if I wanted to leave her without hurting us both even more than this already was.
“You’re a wonderful person, Mila. You’re absolutely amazing. Not only are you beautiful and funny and kind, you want to help other people. You’re strong, and you’re determined, and those are qualities that make you even more beautiful. You’re going to make so much of yourself. You’re already well on your way. But whatever this thing was between us,” her face changed a little when I said was, “it’s not meant to be. This thing between us was only a fling and nothing more.”
She wanted to say something, but I carried on. I wasn’t done yet.
“The past couple of weeks, you have been an amazing friend, not just a friend’s sister. It means so much to me that you were there for me, and we will always be friends. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. When you need me, I’m only a phone call away.”
“But that’s it?” Mila asked. Her voice wasn’t as sure as it had been when we’d started out. She sounded hurt, her voice thin, and her eyes were bigger.
“That’s it,” I said. Speaking those two words damn near killed me. They were a complete lie. I felt so much for her, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to hold her and make all the pain go away. But the pain she felt was because of me. I was doing the right thing.
No matter how I felt, I knew I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t bring her into the chaos in my life, not with Uncle Dean dying and the company that I had to run but also with the pending investigation. What if someone really was trying to take me out? If I was in danger, Mila would be too. I couldn’t do that to her.
She didn’t deserve the insanity that defined my life.
“You’ve shown me a wonderful time,” I said to Mila.
Her eyes filled with tears. I had a feeling she couldn’t hold back anymore. I felt like an assho
le for making her cry. When a tear rolled down her cheek, I wanted to brush it away. I wanted to hug her, to tell her I loved her, to make it all go away. But I couldn’t do that. She had to carry on living her life without me.
“Fine,” Mila said and turned toward her car without saying anything else.
“You’re not going to say something?” I asked.
“You’ve said more than enough for the both of us,” Mila said and slammed her car door. She was angry. She furiously scrubbed her face, getting rid of the tears, but they just kept on coming. She put the car in reverse and floored it out of my driveway. I was left alone, standing next to my car with one more box to load, and I felt rotten about what I had just done.
I wished I could have told her the truth about how I felt. But I had to do what I had to do. I had to keep Mila safe, not only from getting her heart broken by me but from getting involved in this ugly business.
When I checked the time, I realized I was officially late. I loaded the last box into the car and floored it to the airport, already thinking about who I could bribe to get me onto that flight before it took off. I had to rush to get back to the new life I had created for myself.
Maybe that was a good thing. If I had to rush so much, I didn’t have time to think about everything I was leaving behind, and I could focus on what lay ahead. That was all that was important. Now.
Looking back would only make me mourn what I had lost, and it would bring me down. I had to cut all ties and move forward.
I realized with a pang that I was doing what my dad had done. My mom hadn’t wanted to move away from home, and he had made her choose between him and Portland. I had always thought he’d been a complete ass for doing that. And now I was doing the same to Mila.
No, I told myself. This was different. Mila and I weren’t married. We weren’t even dating. I was going there to do what needed to be done, not what I wanted to do. I was doing everything right.
That it looked exactly the same as when my dad had done everything wrong was pure coincidence.
Chapter 22
Mila
After my shift on Monday, I went back to The Cottage. It had become my safe haven the last while. I liked spending time there because it reminded me of the days when I hadn’t had anything to worry about when my parents had still been there to fend for me and my biggest concern had been that Jerrod would tease me about things I was shy about.
Life had been so much simpler then.
That was in retrospect, of course. Back then, the small problems I missed had been the only problems I’d known so they had felt big. It was only now that I had bigger things to worry about that those problems seemed better.
I guess that would always be that way.
Still, I liked being at The Cottage. It was warm and cozy and smelled like the food of my childhood.
Work had been going well. It was very busy with a lot of new patients who had needed medical attention. There had been so much to focus on. But it hadn’t been enough. Nothing would be enough. My heart was broken, and I needed more.
I knew exactly what the problem was. I had started to feel something very deep for Ben. I had denied it for a while, attributing my feelings to remnants of the teenage crush I’d had on him, but I was only trying to convince myself. I had started to really care for him. I had fallen for him.
And he felt something for me too. There had to be more. It hadn’t just been flirting and accidental kissing for the sake of finding somewhere to put his dick. Ben had never been a womanizer like that, and it hadn’t felt that way. I had been flirted with by other men who only wanted one thing and what Ben had done had been different.
But he hadn’t wanted to admit what he felt. Instead, he’d brushed off everything that had happened between us as if it had meant nothing. He had told me we would always be friends. What the fuck? Surely, he had to know it was the last thing I’d wanted to hear. I had gone to find him to give him a chance to say what he hadn’t said to me at the hospital, to say what he should have said.
And he had told me we would always be friends. I had more than enough friends, thank you. I didn’t want another friend. I wanted to be there for him as I already had but not as a friend.
I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. I was upset. I was angry. I was heartbroken. I felt so many things, I wasn’t sure how to sort through them.
Jerrod was serving in the restaurant tonight, and I watched him move between tables with drinks and food, talking and laughing with the customers. He was very good at this job, and he would make a fine restaurant owner one day.
But I was pissed off at him. In fact, I resented him. I knew it wasn’t fair. He didn’t even know why, but he was one of the reasons I couldn’t be with Ben.
If Ben even wanted to be with me.
Because of Jerrod and his crazy protectiveness over me, Ben couldn’t make a move on me. Jerrod would be upset, and they had been friends for so long, I knew Ben would never sacrifice their friendship for a relationship with me.
I would never want him to do that. Ben’s friendship with Jerrod was important to him, so it was important to me too.
But Jerrod was being a pain in my ass, and I was upset about it. Even though he knew nothing.
“Are you okay here, sis?” Jerrod asked when he came to the bar.
“Fine,” I said. I sounded about as shitty as I felt.
“Let me pour you something,” Jerrod said.
“I said I’m fine,” I snapped.
Jerrod held his hands up. “God, what’s your problem? Get your own fucking drink.”
“What’s going on here?” my mom asked. She’d come out of the kitchen just as I had snapped at Jerrod, and she’d heard his response. “Why are you swearing at your sister?”
“Mila is being a bitch. Don’t look at me,” Jerrod said.
“Go take care of your duties,” my mom scolded him. She didn’t reprimand him for calling me a bitch because he was right. But I wasn’t in the mood to admit it.
“What’s wrong, honey?” my mom asked.
“Nothing,” I said in a tone that suggested it wasn’t “nothing” at all.
My mom ran her hand through my hair, and I closed my eyes briefly. She used to do it when I was a child and I couldn’t sleep, and it was still the most soothing thing in the world.
“You’re working too hard, baby,” my mom said.
I shook my head, pulling away from her hand. “I’m not, Mom. I’m fine.”
My mom looked at me with a concerned expression.
“What’s bothering you, then?”
I couldn’t tell her. She wouldn’t approve of a relationship with Ben any more than Jerrod would—for Jerrod’s friendship’s sake—and there wasn’t anything to talk about anyway. There was no relationship, and I couldn’t tell her what was upsetting me.
My mom shook her head. “I’m going to get you some of Manny’s chocolate cake. He always makes extra.”
She disappeared into the kitchen. I loved Manny’s chocolate cake. The pastry chef had made it since I could remember, and he’d been working for us for years. I would never say no to the cake, although it would do nothing to make me feel better. I wished it was as simple as eating cake and all my troubles would disappear.
My mom brought me the cake, and even though it wouldn’t fix anything and probably go straight to my hips, I ate it. I wanted to drink myself into a stupor, but I didn’t do that. With the mood I was in, I would only do something stupid.
Instead, I took out my phone and dialed Ben’s number. I pressed the phone to my ear and let it ring.
After the second ring, I realized I was an idiot. Ben had made his feelings very clear to me. I didn’t even know what I was going to say to him if he answered.
I hung up before he could and tucked my phone back into my bag. Maybe I had to eat more cake. Or something. I had no idea what I could do to make this horrible feeling of heartache go away.
When Ben had left the first time and I had
grown out of my crush, I’d tried relationships with other guys. I had dated here and there while I was at nursing school. It had never been serious, and I had never felt horrible after they had left. It had been more of a relief than anything else really.
With Ben, everything was different. It was ridiculous. I hadn’t been with Ben nearly as much as I had been with some of the other guys in my life, and I had known exactly where I’d stood with them. Yet, with Ben gone out of my life, I felt lost and untethered like a balloon being scooped away by the wind. I had no idea how to handle it.
I left the restaurant and went to Skylar’s place. I wanted my friend to give me advice. She had been through more serious breakups, after all.
But when I arrived at her place, the windows were dark and she didn’t answer the door. She was out. I considered phoning her, but I decided against it. She had to go out and have fun without having to worry about a stupid lovesick friend who was pining over a relationship that never was and would never be. I was just being a fool.
With nothing else to do, I climbed into my car and drove home. I parked, made my way to my apartment and locked myself in. I climbed into the shower and stood under the spray until the water ran cold. After I combed my hair and blew it out, I flicked through the channels on TV, finding nothing I wanted to watch.
Nothing in the fridge drew my attention, and I finally climbed into bed. I wasn’t hungry or full. I wasn’t sleepy, but I was tired. All I felt when I lay between the sheets was hollow. I closed my eyes and wished sleep would drag me away.
My mind jumped to Ben the moment I closed my eyes. Of course, it did. Where else would it go? It was the one thing I didn’t want to think about, so by definition, it was the only thing I would obsess about.
But I had to carry on with my life. I had to move forward and not look back. That was what he was doing. I had a career ahead of me, a life choice I had fought my parents long and hard to be able to make. If I worked hard, I could be promoted to head nurse or matron. I could do more with my life.