A Conard County Baby

by Rachel Lee

  “I’m learning that things get around really fast in this place. Like lightning. I guess cuz all people have to talk about is other people.”

  “Well.” Flummoxed, Hope tried to absorb this. Although why she should feel surprised she didn’t know. Things had got around fast in her old circles. Not around town, but within her circles.

  “It’s okay,” Angie said. “You aren’t the first single mom around here. What happened?”

  Another reason to hesitate. I was raped sounded so bald. “You know what happened to you?”

  “Almost happened,” Angie corrected. “Yeah?”

  “Like that. Only worse. And he was my fiancé.”

  Angie lost all interest in her snack, looking at her intently. “Did you call the cops?”

  “I couldn’t.”

  “Why not? My mom didn’t hesitate.” Then, “Oh. I get what you meant when you said I was lucky my mother believed me. But you’re older!”

  “Circumstances...” Hope trailed off. “It’s hard to explain.”

  “Try me. I want to know.”

  But how could you explain a world where appearances were everything, and a man’s political career mattered more than his actions? If she hadn’t lived through it, she wouldn’t have believed it. Angie was still waiting, however, and there didn’t seem to be any way out of it.

  “My fiancé was an important man. Nobody believed me, not even my parents. They wanted to force me to marry him, anyway, and if I didn’t they insisted I have an abortion. So...”

  Angie’s eyes widened. “So you ran away?”

  “Yes, I did. After nearly four months of being badgered and called a liar, I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran.”

  “Wow,” Angie said quietly. For several minutes, the only sound in the kitchen was the hum of the refrigerator. “That’s awful, Hope. I’m sorry. I thought about running away a few times, but where could I go?”

  “I was past caring where I went. I had to save myself and my baby. Landing here was lucky for me.”

  “Lucky? Looking after the imp from hell?”

  Hope was horrified. “Who called you that?”

  “Nobody.” Angie gave a sheepish grin. “I half expected Dad to get around to it, the way I was acting. He never did. He just looked worried and upset.”

  “He is worried about you. You’ve been through a terrible time. You really ought to talk to him. He knows you hated losing everything and having to come here to what he called the middle of nowhere. He gets it, Angie.”

  Angie looked down at her plate, pushing cookie crumbs around with her finger. “He’s okay. I mean, I think I would have thrown myself out months ago. Funny how having you here made me see how awful I was acting. I still don’t...”

  “Don’t what?” Hope finally prodded.

  “I don’t feel close to him. I mean, he’s never here, really. He’s working all the time, just like my mom said. She said the ranch mattered more to him than her or me.”

  “I’m not sure that’s true. This place needs a lot of work. He’s trying to pay bills and buy food and all that.”

  “I know. My brain knows. But sometimes I wonder if he’d even notice if I disappeared.”

  “Oh, Angie, I know he would. I’m here only because he’s so worried about you. And he gave me the job because he said you didn’t need another parent, you needed someone closer to your age so maybe we could relate. That’s hardly a sign of not caring.”

  “I guess.” Angie had started to look uncomfortable. “I guess I should give him a chance, huh?”

  “You could try. It’s not too late to have a relationship. And I know he cares about you. He’s said it often enough.”

  “I’ll think about it.” That seemed to close the subject. “So you’ll give lessons to my friends?”

  “I’d be happy to.”

  “Awesome!” Angie popped up, drained her milk glass and skipped out, saying, “Lots of homework.”

  Hope watched her go with mixed feelings. On the one hand, they’d had a pretty good conversation, and Angie had accepted the news of Hope’s pregnancy pretty well. On the other, she was still left keeping a secret about Angie’s past. The longer this went on, the worse she felt about not telling Cash, but she couldn’t tell him about the molestation without discussing it first with Angie. It could wind up blowing up everything they’d been building.

  She was sure, however, that Cash would want to know about something so important. It would help him understand his daughter, and he didn’t seem like the kind of man who wanted important information kept from him.

  But Hope didn’t even know how long ago this had happened to Angie. She’d mentioned it, which meant it was important in her mind, but what could Cash do about it now? Nothing. Hope still felt he needed to know. It was part of the anger and distrust that brewed in the girl. For all Hope knew, in some way Angie held Cash responsible for not being there to protect her. She might not be a practicing psychologist, but she’d done enough course work to have an idea of the kinds of games a mind could play.

  Maybe Angie even believed that Cash knew about it and wondered why he hadn’t come racing to her side.

  God, that was an awful possibility to contemplate.

  It was possible, of course, that Cash had heard about it, that Sandy had let him know. But it didn’t seem like Cash to ignore such a thing. He’d been pretty straightforward and clear-sighted about the problems Angie was dealing with. Surely he wouldn’t have failed to tell her Angie had been molested, certainly not when he must know that Hope of all people would understand the fallout from that.

  She put her head in her hand, trying to figure out what to do and when. Go up now and invade the girl in her room? Wait for another opportune time? Or just flat out tell Cash and let the chips fall?

  She felt her youth and inexperience acutely right then. Her bubble hadn’t prepared her for questions like these. But honestly, it hadn’t prepared her for raising her own child, either.

  God, she had so much to figure out.

  * * *

  Cash approved the makeup party without hesitation, and even suggested that if Angie wanted, she could invite her friends to stay the night. “Movies and popcorn,” he said. “And lots of noise, I imagine.”

  For once Angie giggled at something he said, but then dashed off, probably to make phone calls.

  They sat at the table, Cash with a half smile on his face. Angie hadn’t finished her dinner, but neither had they.

  “Wow,” he said finally. “Miracles do happen.” Then he looked at Hope. “I don’t know how much you had to do with this, but thank you. Things have been changing since you arrived. And now that you’re here, a pajama party can be properly chaperoned. I didn’t want to suggest it before when it was just me. I mean, everyone around here knows me, but that’s no guarantee they’d be comfortable letting their daughters stay over with me being the only adult in the house.”

  “They probably would,” Hope said, even though she had no way of knowing. “I think it’s helping that Angie started to make a friend last week. Then some of the other girls started talking to her.”

  “Makeup appears to have had a lot to do with that. Well, we’ll see what other parents think about their girls coming over here to have a makeup party. Maybe I shouldn’t have suggested an overnighter. What if no one wants to come?”

  Good question, thought Hope. She couldn’t imagine it being the case, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t happen. The parents might know Cash, but they didn’t know Angie. Her hands tightened as she thought of Angie’s possible disappointment. The little bit of progress they’d made could be seriously set back.

  “Fits and starts,” Cash murmured, as if his thoughts were running along the same lines. “I’m sure we’re not out of the woods yet, but this is a positive sign.”


  Hope nodded, and once again her thoughts trailed guiltily to the secret she was keeping from him. It was Angie’s secret, of course, not hers to share, but she felt guilty, anyway, and wondered why. Cash might need to know so he could respond better to Angie, but on the other hand, how could she be sure it would make any difference?

  Then another thought occurred to her. “You know, if the girls don’t come it could be because of me. I hope Angie knows that. Maybe I should warn her.”

  “What would you have to do with it?”

  “Angie said earlier that word had gotten around that I’m pregnant. Some parents might not want their daughters hanging with a single mom.”

  “I didn’t think of that.” His face darkened. “Hell, I hope my neighbors are better people than that.”

  “It’s not about the kind of people they are, it’s about being concerned about the influences their daughters are exposed to. They don’t know me.”

  He leaned forward a bit, his eyes narrowing. “It won’t be about you. It’ll be their judgment of me. I invited you into my home to take care of my daughter. If they think I’d expose Angie to a bad influence, it won’t be about you.”

  He pushed away from the table. “I’ll help with the dishes.”

  “Don’t you have work to do?”

  “Always.”

  “Then go do it. I’ve got this.” She watched him disappear down the hall with a muttered thanks, and then started clearing the table. How had such a simple thing become so complicated?

  Because life was never simple, answered a voice in her head. Time to learn that, too.

  * * *

  Angie caught Hope at the top of the stairs later as she was coming up to read and get ready for bed. Her eyes sparkled, a good sight, but she looked a little doubtful, as well.

  “Hope, can you talk?”

  “Sure.” She followed Angie into her bedroom. It was a cheerful space, full of bright colors, stuffed animals and a few things that looked like Angie’s keepsakes, such as a teddy bear that looked both worn and old.

  Angie closed the door and sat on the edge of her bed. “The girls are going to ask their parents.”

  “Good.” Hope settled into a Boston rocker in the corner. “Any problems?”

  “I don’t know.” Angie bit her lip. “Hope, what if they say no?”

  “Some of them might have other things to do. How many did you invite?”

  “Five. The ones who talked to me most today.”

  Hope nodded. Tension was building in her again, and it seemed to reach her baby. She felt the familiar flutters and placed her hand over her stomach. “If they can’t come, don’t take it personally.”

  “All of them? That would be personal.”

  Hope had seen Angie angry, happy and most places in between over the past ten days, but this was the first time she had seen the girl looking ready to crumble. She wished she dared cross the room and give her a hug, but so far she hadn’t been invited into that kind of contact. “We don’t know what they’re going to say yet. Regardless, if they don’t come it’ll probably be about me, not you.”

  “Why would it be about you?” Then Angie’s face changed. “Oh.”

  “Exactly. You said everyone knows I’m pregnant. The parents could wonder if I’m a bad influence.”

  Now Angie looked angry. “If they think that, they don’t know my dad.”

  Hope felt a brief flicker of amusement. Amazing how closely Angie’s thoughts ran to her dad’s. She might have pointed that out under different circumstances.

  “Well, we don’t know yet,” she finally said, trying to be practical. “Let’s not borrow trouble.”

  Angie curled her legs under her and reached for a throw pillow to hug. “They were nice to me today. They were the ones who wanted you to teach them how to do makeup.”

  “That was your friends, though, not their parents.”

  “I know. Parents can be so stupid sometimes.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  Angie peered at her. “Hope? What was it like being rich?”

  Hope hesitated. “It’s hard to explain. Plus, my experience wouldn’t be everyone’s.”

  “Tell me, anyway,” Angie insisted. “Did you have everything you wanted? Travel a lot?”

  Hope looked down. “I never wanted for things. I had plenty of things. And yes, we traveled a lot. Skiing in Aspen or Europe, yachting with friends, shopping trips to New York and Paris. A lot of it was like a storybook.”

  “That must have been nice.”

  Hope struggled, trying to put her new understanding into words. “It had its problems, too.”

  “Like being raped and not being believed?”

  “Not being really loved.”

  Angie drew a sharp breath. “My mom loved me.”

  “Yes, she did. And so does your dad. They cared about you. Me, I was...” Again she paused.

  “Hope?” Angie pressed her impatiently.

  Hope didn’t want to discuss this at all. She was still having trouble framing this whole mess and her changing worldview. She’d had a shocking awakening and still couldn’t fully deal with it. She didn’t want to dash a young girl’s illusions, but she didn’t want to create any, either. On the horns of a dilemma, she began rocking, hoping that Angie could be just a little more patient. There had to be a way to address this.

  And maybe explaining it to Angie would help her, too.

  “Imagine,” she said finally, “this big, beautiful soap bubble floating along. It blows this way and that in the wind, and it’s full of rainbow colors. Then imagine a woman, a girl, inside it. The world outside can’t touch her, and she can’t touch it. She just lives in her rainbow bubble.”

  She stole a glance at Angie and saw the girl nod, her brow knitting.

  “So anyway, the girl in the bubble thinks everything is perfect, she goes where the wind tells her, just floating along. She gets pushed toward a marriage and everything seems great. It’s what she was raised to do. A prominent prince, a bright future, everything according to the plan.”

  “And then?”

  “And then the bubble pops. The rainbows are gone, reality is suddenly close and real, and she’s not really prepared for it. Her bubble was an illusion, and everything was taken from her. Even the people she thought loved her turn out to have been just a rainbow in a bubble.”

  Angie drew a long breath. Then she asked a question that drove straight to the heart and didn’t really have an adequate answer. “So what’s real?”

  Hope looked down at her hand cradling her stomach. “This baby. I’d say love, but apparently I never really had much of that to begin with. Anyway, you’re real, your dad is real, this ranch is real and I’ve still got a lot to learn.”

  “Love,” Angie repeated. “Even that goes away.”

  Hope looked up instantly. “Your mom didn’t choose to leave you.”

  “No, but your parents did.”

  “Well, not exactly.”

  “Yes, exactly.” Angie scowled. “You had to run away, you said. To protect yourself from them. That’s not love.”

  “Then tell me what love is, Angie.”

  “Me? I’m just a kid. I just know Mom loved me. Enough to throw out her boyfriend and go to court to keep him away from me.”

  “That’s love all right.”

  “I don’t know about my dad, though. He had to take me.”

  Hope stood up, unexpected anger surging in her as she reacted to an attitude that had been bothering her since her first day here. She had to struggle to keep her voice calm. “Here’s something for you to consider. He did not have to take you. He could have signed you over to foster care. Instead, he brought you here, and he’s been putting up with your temper for months now. I ge
t your anger. So does he, actually. But he did not have to take you in.”

  Leaving Angie gaping, Hope walked out, closing the door quietly behind her.

  What had brought that on? Talking about bubbles? Thinking that maybe Angie was creating one for herself, a dark one that wasn’t fair to Cash?

  Oh, God, maybe she had just done a terrible thing. Maybe she had just shattered every gain they’d made. Suddenly frightened by her own behavior, she hurried downstairs to look for Cash. He needed to know what she had just said, even if it meant he threw her out.

  She had no business talking to Angie that way. No business at all.

  * * *

  Cash was on the phone. He’d just started shutting down his computer for the night and was laughing with a parent of one of the girls Angie had invited over on Saturday. Yes, the invitation had his approval. Yes, Angie’s nanny would be there. Yes, it was all about popcorn, movies and makeup. It was the fifth call and, he hoped, the last. The problems he had feared weren’t arising, and tomorrow Angie would hear from all the friends she had invited. Everyone would come.

  He hung up, relieved, and made the last selection to shut down the computer. Then he heard the hurried steps on the stairs and swiveled around to see Hope.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked instantly. A dozen awful possibilities flitted instantly across his mind. From her drained, pinched look it was clear that something bad had happened. “Are you okay?”

  “That’s the question, isn’t it?”

  He stood up, his heart accelerating. “Do you need a doctor?”

  “Nothing like that. No, I said something to Angie that I probably shouldn’t have said, and now I’m worried I messed everything up.”

  He didn’t know whether to relax or get uptight. Clearly Hope was worried, but what could she have said that was so awful? After ten days, he thought he had a measure of her, and it was a good one. She was actually a very soothing presence to have around, except when he was reacting to her sexually. But that wasn’t her fault. And at least it wasn’t a problem right now, with her looking so upset.

  “Time for tea?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. Maybe it’s time for me to pack.”