Neither spoke for a while. They just walked…and walked some more. Not really going anywhere but going everywhere—to avoid anyone else who might try to approach. It was all very odd. Frank was not usually quiet, but today he was speechless. Maybe he was just waiting for her to start up a conversation, so she tried.
“Your day…how…you are…oh…” Allie bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself. Her words came out jumbled and that made Frank stop cold and stare at her. She tried again. “I’m sorry. That didn’t come out right, did it?” That was a question. So, he had to talk now.
“To answer your question…as jumbled as it was,” he began, shaking his head. “It’s an okay day. I’ve been distracted, thinking about this next week…working for Doc and such.” He ever so slightly turned his head away, hoping he wouldn’t have to elaborate on the “and such.”
Why did he even say that? She wondered.
Frank paused, briefly. Do I need to reverse this conversation? He didn’t want to be talking. He wanted to find out what was going on with her. “You’re usually not flustered. Something bothering you?” Taking her hand, he turned her to directly face him.
She dropped his hand and began wringing hers. “Can’t say that it is. All seems well to me.” She turned her back to him and acted as though something caught her attention.
Frank was not fooled. “Allie, look at me, please.” He straightened up as a sign of not backing down.
Allie slowly turned back around, but still refused to make eye contact. “Shall we sit?”
She began walking away from him, but he caught up in two strides. The quicker this was over, the better she would feel. She stopped midstride and sat in the grass, or what was once grass, instead of walking to the nearby picnic table. The former grass was brown thin sticks that poked and irritated her. Everything is irritating these days, why not this, too? She gave a defeated sigh.
Frank sat down next to her with a puzzled and concerned look on his face. His forehead was wrinkled, and lips pursed just a bit. He didn’t talk, though. He knew her too well. Sit quietly and patiently and wait for her to speak. If I speak first —and guess wrong—she could run with that and we’ll never get to the truth. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a penny. He put it in his palm and held it out to her.
Allie stared at his hand as he cleared his throat. Her mind started spinning. How can I avoid the inevitable? She could offer to get him something to drink…and then run. Looking in the distance, she noticed several women cleaning up the food table. Is lunch over already? What happened to the time…again? So many thoughts were running together in her head.
Heading over there would put her face-to-face with Gladys and her mother. They were apparently leading the cleanup today. She could see them giving orders to the other ladies. Sinking a little further into the itchy grass, she reached out and took Frank’s penny.
“All right…since you’re buying!” She attempted a bit of humor…but knew she’d failed. “Really…it’s the same problem. Except this time, I made a decision. But, when I told Ma, she clearly pointed out that I needed to reconsider.”
That wasn’t as hard as she thought. Maybe she was overthinking everything. Resolved to bare it all on her own terms she set the penny on the ground before she continued.
Frank remained quiet and noted the difference in her behavior. Allie always held the penny until it was time to either hand it back or keep it. Now, it sat before them on the grass and he was unsure what that meant. This was not the time to focus on it though. He needed to hear every word Allie said. This change could only mean something important had…or was…happening.
Allie turned to face him a bit and started again. “I decided I was going to move to Reno, get the divorce, and move on with my life.”
That caught his attention. He wanted to pause and talk about what that future life looked like for her, but she had already moved on.
“Ma not so subtly pointed out that I was, perhaps, doing the same thing I always have, leading my own life instead of being led by God. The same thing the sermon was about today, really.”
Frank tucked that little bit of information away in the event a patient brings up today’s sermon. Then he refocused on Allie.
“I never thought about that before. I knew God’s plan was the right plan for us all. But, I never realized that by making a choice for myself without seeking His guidance first, I wasn’t putting His way first. Take marrying Eddie, for instance. I thought God placed him here to give me the future that I wanted: to be a wife, a mother, and take the burden off my parents. I guess he was a gift from the devil. He tempted me, and I bit that fruit. Now, my whole life is a mess and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Waiting on God could make my situation worse before it gets better. I don’t know if I can handle worse.”
Allie folded into herself. Crying would have given her some relief after spilling all of this to him, but there were no tears. No anything, really. She felt numb.
The penny still sat glistening in the sun before them. Frank didn’t know what to do. This was a situation that had never played out before. Maybe staying neutral would be best since she clearly didn’t buy his opinion from him.
“I couldn’t give you a direction before and I can’t now. I wish I could make this all go away for you.”
Before he felt the need to say anything more, Allie’s family pulled their wagon over to the side of the road next to where they were sitting. Frank and Allie stood expecting to say good-bye to one another.
Pa called out. “I just wanted to stop and ask if you will walk Allie home when your talk is finished, Frank. We have to be heading back, but that doesn’t mean she has to right away.”
Pa never even asked her. Allie just stood there, unsure how she should feel. She was an adult, a married adult, at that. But, somehow in the few months she’d been back home, life had reverted back to how it was when she was a child. Decisions made for her. Maybe her emotions were just getting the better of her. She was all over the place these days.
“Sure, Sir. Not a problem. I’ll have her back soon.”
Frank waved as the wagon pulled ahead. Ma made eye contact with Allie and didn’t remove it until she was forced to by a bend in the road that took them out of sight.
What had just happened? Allie was now more confused than ever. Her Ma wanted her to let God make her decisions, but that clearly looked like they just did it for Him. Maybe this was all His plan. How will I ever know? Pushing those thoughts aside, she looked over at Frank and found him looking at her.
Allie dropped her head and Frank reached out and lifted her chin back to meet his eyes. “Like I said before, I wish I could take this all away, but I can’t. No one can.” His eyes were locked on hers.
Most everyone had left the lunch. Thoughts were circling her mind like birds circling prey. Each one taking a turn to dive in and have a say. She felt smothered and alone all at once. Everyone was choosing for her, but no one was solving her biggest dilemma. She wasn’t a child. She was an adult who had made adult decisions. The man she loved was standing right before her. The only man she ever truly wanted to spend the rest of her life with…and he was just out of reach. She closed her eyes and before she knew it her lips were pressed to his. Then her eyes flew open.
Frank let the kiss happen. He probably shouldn’t have, but it felt so right. Too right! Allie stood stock still in front of him with her lips on his and her eyes in shock. He broke the kiss and took a small step backwards. Taking her arm, he began to lead her slowly in the direction of her home. Although he enjoyed that kiss—and wanted more of them—anyone could have seen it. And that wouldn’t help anything. To make matters worse, Allie looked completely torn. Her mind was fighting with itself. His mind was fighting with itself. He better get her home soon, or he wasn’t sure what might happen.
They were moving more quickly, now. Allie was so confused—and her mind was adding more reasons by the second. She had to put a stop to all this madness and
let her mind lead her actions. As she came to a halt, her arm tugged on Frank and spun him around to face her.
“Wait, please. I can’t keep doing this. I’m going crazy.”
“Allie, please don’t. You ran from me the last time we started this conversation. I need to run from you to protect you this time.” Frank tried to leave, but she pulled the arm she was holding closer.
“Protect me? Why is everyone making choices for me…then telling me they can’t make the biggest choice of all? I can’t be pulled in two directions anymore. I get treated like I’m a child, then told to make grown up decisions. When I do decide, I’m told it’s incorrect. I’m tired of deciding. I just want to feel and do. I want to be free from Eddie, so I can act on my emotions with us…with you. I have wanted you for a very long time. And, now, when you want it, nothing can happen because I messed up. I’m so stupid. Why do I ruin everything?” She leaned against the back of a tree they’d stopped under and crossed her arms as a sign of protection.
Frank could not believe his ears. She has wanted me for a very long time. “What does that mean? Long? As in months…or years?” He stood right in front of her, making it clear he wasn’t moving until this conversation was talked out.
“Years,” she replied, her voice barely a whisper.
Frank’s shoulders dropped, and he closed his eyes.
“You are not stupid, I’m the stupid one. If I had known this and hadn’t been so rushed to start my life as a doctor, maybe this wouldn’t have turned out this way. Maybe you wouldn’t have had to meet Eddie in the first place. Oh, I messed up big time.”
“Now what do we do?” Allie’s sorrowful eyes met his and begged for an answer.
His mind went blank. His heart was thumping loudly, drowning out all other noise from his ears. Following Allie’s earlier impulse, he leaned in and kissed her—more fervently than she had and she accepted the kiss. This wasn’t right, but he couldn’t stop himself. His control was lost.
Allie melted into the kiss as it deepened. It felt safe and right. It felt as though the earth itself was again spinning the way it should. None of her problems were spinning around with it. They had all been spun out of her head. Until they came raging back in, like they were blown in from a fire burning so close she couldn’t escape the heat.
Placing her hand on his chest, she gently pushed, but Frank only pushed back with his lips. She had to stop them before this went too far. Except it had already gone too far. She was married. With that realization, she pushed harder and broke free from the kiss. Stepping slightly to the side, Frank reached out and caught himself before he fell into the tree.
“Oh, Allie, I’m so sorry!” Frank sat down with is back propped against the tree and placed his forehead on his arms that were folded on his knees.
Taking deep breaths trying to calm her own heart, she sat next to him. “Don’t be sorry, Frank. We both wanted that. It’s just wrong timing. I need help and I don’t know what to do or how to find it.” She put one of her hands on top of his. She needed some physical connection to him and that seemed like the safest choice.
They sat that way for a long while, listening to the gentle breeze blow through the leaves on the tree above them before he spoke.
“You need Him,” Frank pointed up to the sky as he spoke. “Only He can help you. Anything that anyone else says will be the wrong choice. He is the only one who can fix this without causing more hardship.” Frank looked her in the eyes. Both had tears building.
“I don’t know how…what to do to hear him.” She looked down, slightly embarrassed by the admission.
“Talk to Him, ask Him. He will give you an answer and you will know when He does. Until then…be patient. Know that He has you.” Frank lifted her chin to look directly at Allie. “He has us!” Pausing briefly to reflect on what he just said, he added, “It seems I need to take my own advice.”
He stood and grabbed her hand to pull her up. Wrapping her in his arms would feel so right, but it really wasn’t. She wasn’t his…yet. If he wanted that, he also needed to seek God and be patient. Otherwise, a wedge would be placed forever between them.
“Let’s get you home. Are you ready for that?” He looked her in the eyes, knowing that she could say anything, but her eyes wouldn’t fail to tell him the truth.
She closed her eyes, not allowing him to see her soul and nodded. When she opened them, her expression was that of resolve. She needed to be truthful with God first. Once her life was right with Him, she could be free and open with Frank. The problem was…she still didn’t understand how to do that. But, she wouldn’t bother Frank with it. She needed to figure that out on her own.
He hoped that her expression meant that she had listened and decided to stop fighting with herself and God. He would have to accept that and respect that she wasn’t ready to share everything with him yet. He needed to respect her…and himself. Waiting for God’s help would lead to that. Placing her hand in the crook of his arm, they began their quiet journey to her home.
CHAPTER 26
Everywhere Eddie looked there were trees. It all looked the same and it was easy to get turned around. He knew he’d been lost a few times—probably walking in circles. If he hadn’t stumbled into a couple of towns that seemed to just spring up out of nowhere, he might have been lost forever.
His plan had been to follow the train, but there were many places where the landscape wouldn’t allow that. Sometimes the foliage was too dense to push through. Other times, there were great ravines that added several miles to his journey. He was forced to go off the path and try to find his own way through all the trees…trees that towered to unimaginable heights. Some seemed as wide as they were tall. Green was no longer just a color for him. He was disgusted by it. He couldn’t remember any time in his life that he despised a color before. He didn’t understand how they could still be green with no rain. It seemed to him they should all be brown. Some were, of course, but not all. Trees were the constant in his life right now: trees, isolation, and lack of liquor.
He could scream…and no one would hear him. He wanted to scream. Whiskey was calling him—or maybe he was calling it. It didn’t matter. He was out and that meant he was dry. Dry made him irritated. Dry made him feel. The briar bushes he was pushing through made his skin hurt and itch. Whiskey was good—and needed—on any trip like this. At least he was warm. Hot rather would be a better word. Whiskey could help a man stay warm on cold days and colder nights, but that wasn’t an issue in June. The summer usually started off warm, but it had already been warm for months. Summer was just beginning by calendar measurements. It was already shaping up to be the longest summer of his life. The sooner he found some work to save some cash to buy some whiskey—and go get his wife—the better he would be.
Finding work was futile. He asked around in every town. The same story always followed. The heat and drought were causing less work. People were having a difficult time finding enough work for their employees. Some places were cutting back on shift hours. All of it spelled trouble for him.
If Allie were still around, he would have been gone from this area long before it completely dried up. He could have already been enjoying his time in a new town with new people—where no one knew his story. It could have been a town that was cooler, wetter, and had barrels and barrels of whiskey. A place with new girls. The ones back in Grand Forks had lost their charm. They were predictable. He needed excitement. Something new and different.
No girls. No whiskey. No food to speak of. Wretched heat! This must be Hell. That’s what this is! I’ve up and died on the trail. And now I’m being punished for all my wrong doings.
“What about punishing those who did wrong doings to me?” He yelled up to the sky as he shook his fist. The sky was pale blue and hazy. It looked as if it were a dream floating up there. That’s it, I’m in Hell and Heaven is a dream. He needed whiskey or Allie. He’d take her over whiskey. He could slap her around a bit and calm his rough edges. She was so good and
proper. He’d spit on that. People used to think of him that way before he decided to become the person he wanted to be.
Hell, or not, he had to keep going. At this point, he’d take any kind of work there was. Maybe not for long, though. He had his standards. Just long enough to get him stable to move onto the next place. He had to push forward. He couldn’t go back now. He skipped out on John. If he went back, he’d be expected to pay up. He couldn’t be put off any longer. He could see it in John’s eyes the last time they talked.
Eddie knew when it was time to jump ship and it all came together that day for him. He had outstayed his welcome and knew not to push it. When things began to turn downhill, they rolled faster and faster. One person upset with you will quickly lead to more. He didn’t want to mess with that.
The folks in Grand Forks were a fun bunch to be around, but they also had tempers to match. He had seen a few of those tempers from time-to-time, but never turned toward him. Going back would surely be his undoing. So…pressing forward it was. To where? He really didn’t know. As long as he was headed in the general direction of Deer Lodge, he was satisfied. He knew right where Allie was. If he could ever get to her, he could take her with no issues to speak of.
That sat well with him. He needed to stay focused. This was a mission. With or without whiskey, he would see this through. Then he would make sure she never got a crazy harebrained idea of running away again. No! When he was finished, that girl would know her place and wouldn’t stray from him again. He began whistling as he pushed through more brush.
CHAPTER 27
The front door to Doc’s office hadn’t had a rest all day, and Frank was loving every minute of it. Just as he was finishing with one patient, another was making their way in. Doc was a well-respected man and doctor in these parts and it showed by how busy he was. Of course, some of his clients were not of the people kind, but Frank seemed to be holding his own in that area as well.
By His Hand Page 12