Daniel's Desire

by Sherryl Woods

  Patrick held back for a minute, then relaxed. “Hi, Mom,” he said as if they’d parted on good terms only days before. “Daniel and I thought we might go to church with you and Dad.”

  Her expression brightened. “Really?”

  Daniel realized that his sneaky brother had formed his own plan for getting them to Jess’s. First, church, a lot of praying, and then the suggestion of dinner out. He wondered when Patrick planned to lay the rest of his scheme on the table. Probably not until they were at the front door of Jess’s. Daniel thought that might be cutting it a little close. He figured the best time to do it would be on the drive over, when they were going sixty miles an hour. Not even his father would try to duck out of a car moving at that speed. And then no one could say they hadn’t been warned. He subtly gave his brother a thumbs-up sign. So far, so good.

  Just then his father stepped outside. He greeted Daniel, then caught sight of Patrick. “What’re you doing here?” he asked warily, darting a look toward his wife as if to make sure she wasn’t upset.

  “Making peace,” Patrick said.

  “Yeah, right,” his father scoffed. “What happened really? Did you run out of money?”

  “Connor!” his mother said sharply. “Our son has come home. He and Daniel are going to church with us. This is something we’ve hoped and prayed for. Be grateful.”

  Daniel watched as his father bit back what probably would have been another scathing remark. Instead he reached for his wife’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

  “Well, let’s get going,” he said gruffly. “No point in standing around out here. The priest isn’t going to wait for us to get there.”

  “I’ll drive,” Daniel said. “Dad, sit up front with me.”

  When everyone was seated, he drove to the small church where they’d attended services as far back as he could remember. He stood back as Patrick helped his mother from the car and saw her beam at him, looking happier than she had since the day Patrick had walked out of the house—certainly happier than she had on his one tension-filled visit a few weeks earlier with Ryan, Sean and Michael.

  “Don’t know why that boy picked now to come back,” Connor grumbled to Daniel. “But I’m glad for your mother’s sake. She’s missed him.”

  “And you haven’t?” Daniel asked lightly.

  His father shrugged. “He was a good fisherman. Of course I miss his help.”

  Daniel shook his head. “Give it up, Dad. You know you’ve been every bit as miserable as Mom. Why don’t you fix this?”

  “Fix it? Fix it how? Never did anything to create the mess in the first place. It’s that hotheaded brother of yours. He’s the one who stirred things up.”

  “Actually, I’m the one who stirred them up,” Daniel reminded him. “I found those pictures, Dad. Once I did, there was no point in denying that they mattered.”

  “I’m not talking about those pictures or about what happened all those years ago,” his father said. “That’s in the past and best left buried. If that’s what this visit is about, you’re wasting your time.”

  Daniel met his gaze evenly. “Maybe that’s something you should pray about when we get inside, Dad. Keeping the past bottled up inside does no one any good. It certainly doesn’t make it go away.”

  He let the matter drop then. He didn’t want to get his father so angry that he wouldn’t listen to reason once the service was over.

  All during the Mass, Daniel noted that his mother’s gaze kept straying to Patrick as if she couldn’t get enough of the sight of him. More surprising was the fact that Patrick actually did seem to be at peace at long last. Sometimes all it took was that difficult first step to find forgiveness.

  Once the service had ended and they were back in the car, Patrick was the one who said, “How about dinner at Jess’s with Daniel and me? Alice will be there. I know she’d like to get to know you.”

  Their mother beamed. “I remember her so well as a child—I’d love to see her. I can see that she’s made you happy. It’s all right if we go, isn’t it, Connor?”

  He gave her one of the indulgent smiles that were so familiar to Daniel. It had always seemed as if there was nothing on earth their father wouldn’t do to make their mother happy. Maybe that was because he’d done the one thing guaranteed to rob her of any real happiness and was trying desperately in his own small way to make amends.

  “If it’s what you want, Kathleen, I wouldn’t mind a bowl of Molly’s chowder.” He glanced at Daniel. “Do you object?”

  “Of course not.”

  His father didn’t seem convinced. “There was a time not so long ago when the two of you were on the outs.”

  “A thing of the past,” Daniel assured him. “We’re back together, this time for good, I think.”

  His mother’s eyes promptly filled with tears. “Oh, my, something more to celebrate.”

  Daniel exchanged a look with Patrick, trying to gauge if he had any clue about the best time to spring the rest of the news on them. Patrick shrugged, clearly leaving the really tough decision to him.

  They were only minutes away from Jess’s when Daniel turned to his father. “Dad, I think there’s something you should know before we get there, you and Mom both.”

  Connor frowned. “What’s that?”

  “This isn’t just about spending an evening with Alice and Molly and us,” he said quietly. “Ryan, Sean and Michael will be there, too, with their families.”

  Dangerously bright patches of color flooded his father’s cheeks. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Everyone’s there, Dad.”

  “This is a damned setup?” he asked furiously. “How could you do this, Daniel? You know how I feel about dredging up all this ancient history.”

  “It’s not a setup,” Daniel insisted. “It’s a chance, Dad, a chance to clear the air and get your sons back in your life. They’re willing to meet you halfway. Can’t you at least do that much?” He glanced in the rearview mirror and saw his mother’s wistful expression. “Please, Dad. Do it for Mom.”

  “Yes, Connor, please,” she said softly. “I want to see my sons. If it’s possible, I want them back in our lives.”

  Connor regarded her with bewilderment. “Why, Kathleen? They hate us. They must.” He scowled at Patrick. “This was your idea, wasn’t it? You just want to humiliate us in public.”

  “Molly’s closed the bar for the night,” Daniel reassured him. “It will just be family.”

  “I still say this is a bad idea. I don’t want to spend an entire evening listening to them berate us,” Connor said. “Kathleen, you know it will only upset you.”

  “I’ll be fine,” she insisted. “It’s time they get to have their say, Connor.”

  “I won’t deny that there are a lot of strong emotions at work here, Dad, but the fact that they’re here at all tells me they want this,” Daniel said. “At the very least, help them to understand why you and Mom left them behind. Can’t you at least give them answers to the questions they’ve had to live with their whole lives?”

  His mother reached over the seat and clasped her husband’s shoulder. “We must do this, Connor,” she said firmly. “It’s our chance to make things right, a chance we probably don’t deserve. We failed them back then. Surely now we can give them the one thing they’ve ever asked of us.”

  Daniel saw that his father looked tormented. “Dad, it will be okay. They’re good men. They really are. You’ll be proud of them.”

  “I have no right to take any pride in the men they’ve become,” his father replied, looking defeated. “They’ve accomplished whatever they’ve made of their lives in spite of me.”

  To Daniel’s surprise, Patrick spoke up. “Maybe so, Dad, but there’s Devaney blood running through their veins. If they’re strong enough to overcome the past, it’s because of that.”

  Their father sank back against the seat then and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he turned to his wife. “This is what you want, Kathl
een? You’re sure?”

  She nodded, tears in her eyes. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted, just one more chance to see my boys.”

  “Then we’ll go,” he said. He frowned at Daniel, then at Patrick. “Not that I like the way the two of you went about this, mind you. Be warned that I’ll have a lot to say about that later.”

  Patrick grinned. “I wouldn’t expect anything less. The Connor Devaney who raised Daniel and me had a powerful sense of right and wrong.”

  Their father sighed. “Only because I was trying to make up for a great injustice I did to my other sons. I never wanted you two to be as weak as I was.”

  “Connor Devaney, you were not weak,” Daniel’s mother said fiercely. “You made an impossible decision and you did it out of love. I won’t ever let you say otherwise. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe there was another way. But you were strong enough to live with the choice you made every day for the rest of your life. You didn’t turn to drink, as many men would have. You didn’t turn bitter and hard. You were a good father to the two boys we had left, no one here would deny that,” she said, regarding Patrick and Daniel as if daring them to challenge her claim.

  “She’s right, Dad,” Daniel told him. “I can’t begin to understand the choice you made or what drove you to it….”

  “And I hope to heaven you never have to make such a choice yourself,” his father told him. “But now I’m about to face the consequences.”

  Daniel saw the real fear in his eyes and tried to reassure him. “It’s going to be okay, Dad. We’ve all come a long way. I’m not sure if reconciliation would have been possible one minute sooner than this, but it is possible now. I believe that with all my heart.”

  “So do I,” Patrick said.

  “From your mouths to God’s ear,” his father said quietly.

  “Amen,” the rest of them said in a heartfelt chorus.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Daniel’s gaze sought out Molly the instant they walked into Jess’s. They made quite a little parade, his mother looking pathetically eager, Patrick wary, and their father as if he expected to be pummeled by a trio of outraged Devaney men. Molly gave him a reassuring smile, then came to meet him. She kissed his cheek, then gave his mother a warm hug.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” Molly told her, including Connor Devaney in the comment. “There are a lot of people here who are anxious to see you.”

  “More likely to lynch us,” his father said in an undertone.

  “Dad!” Patrick protested.

  “Okay, okay, I’m giving this a chance. I said I would, didn’t I?”

  Just then a little girl’s voice piped up. “Is that my grandpa?”

  “Hush, darlin’,” Ryan said, trying to maintain his grip on her.

  But as he’d told Daniel on the phone, Caitlyn wasn’t going to be put off a minute longer. The three-year-old broke away from her father’s grasp and raced across the room, hurling herself straight at Connor. Startled, he reacted instinctively, scooping her up in his arms, then staring at her as if he wasn’t quite sure where she’d come from.

  “Are you my grandpa?” she demanded, gazing at him intently.

  Connor drew in a deep breath, and his eyes filled with tears. He blinked hard to fight them. “Yes, I suppose I am, little angel. Who might you be?”

  “I’m Caitlyn,” she said without hesitation. “And that’s my daddy and that’s my mommy.”

  Daniel saw his father’s gaze shift to Ryan, whose mouth was set in a grim line. Maggie had her arm tucked supportively through his, but her eyes were damp, and there was no question that her heart was with her impulsive daughter.

  His own heart still in his throat, Daniel watched as a boy broke away from Sean and crossed the room. He frowned up at Caitlyn. “He’s not just your grandpa. He’s mine, too.” He gave his new grandfather an irrepressible grin. “I’m Kevin. Me and Mom married Sean.”

  “I see,” Connor said, swiping impatiently at the tears on his weathered cheeks. His gaze sought that of his second son and the woman who was openly crying beside him.

  Connor turned slowly to the one remaining son, who looked as if he’d tried to disappear into the shadows. “Then you’re Michael,” he said softly, no longer even attempting to hide his tears.

  “I’m surprised you remember my name,” Michael said, earning a disapproving scowl from his wife.

  Connor’s gaze remained steady. “I deserved that.” He looked from one son to the next. “I deserve whatever you think of me, whatever you want to say to my face or behind my back, but I’ll tell you here and now that I won’t tolerate you taking any of this out on your mother.”

  Daniel saw his older brothers exchange glances and knew they’d taken the warning to heart, knew that it was a reminder that their behavior at the house on that earlier visit wasn’t to be repeated. It was almost as if they recalled a distant time when Connor Devaney’s word had been law, when he’d earned their respect.

  “Am I making myself clear?” Connor asked, pushing the point home.

  “Yes,” Ryan said tightly.

  “Maybe we should all sit down,” Daniel said, relieved that Michael’s undisguised bitterness had been the worst of it so far. “Molly, how about something to drink?”

  “Right away,” she said.

  He put an arm around his mother’s waist and guided her to a table, then regarded her worriedly. “You okay?”

  She nodded. “After they left so abruptly last time, I was afraid this day would never come,” she whispered. “Thank you for making it happen.”

  Daniel grinned. “I think you should thank Caitlyn and Kevin. I gather from Ryan that they were adamant about meeting their grandparents.”

  Her gaze went immediately to the girl who still hadn’t relinquished her hold on Connor. “I always wanted a little girl,” she said sadly.

  “Well, it’s another generation, Mom,” Daniel said. “A granddaughter will have to do.”

  “Oh, it does,” she said, her eyes bright. “She’s so lovely. She’s like her mother, isn’t she?”

  Daniel looked from Caitlyn to Maggie. The resemblance was impossible to miss, but from all he knew, it went beyond being skin deep. “She has her mother’s open heart and strong will, too,” he told his mother. “That may be what guides us through this.”

  As soon as everyone was seated and drinks had been served, the room was filled with an awkward silence. Not even Caitlyn was chattering with her usual exuberance. It was Ryan who finally broke the impasse.

  He looked at his father. “Since I’m the oldest, I’ll be the one to ask. Why?” he asked simply. “Why did you leave us behind? After all these years, after the way it messed with our heads, I think you owe us an explanation. Weren’t we good enough? Did I stir up too much trouble? Did Sean and Michael?”

  “Never,” Kathleen said with a shocked gasp. “Don’t ever think such a thing. You three were my angels. From the moment you were born, Ryan, I knew you were going to make something of yourself. You came into this world with an independent streak. Of course, that landed you in scrapes from time to time, but you were a good boy. I won’t hear you suggest otherwise.”

  “Then why?” he asked again. “For years now, each of us has had to live with being abandoned by the people who were supposed to love us unconditionally. The fact that we’re all married now is a miracle. Not a one of us believed we were worth loving, because of what you did to us. Our wives believed otherwise and stuck with us till we came around. It’s because of them that our hearts are finally whole.”

  In the silence that followed Ryan’s bitter words, it was again Kathleen who finally spoke. “Then I’m grateful to you,” she said, her gaze seeking out Maggie, then Deanna, then Kelly.

  Tears streaming down her face, she turned to her husband and reached for his hand. “I can tell them,” she said.

  Connor looked shaken, but he raised her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. “No. You’ve shared the blame long enough, Kathleen. It was my de
cision. It’s time I take responsibility for it.” He met Ryan’s gaze, then looked down at the trusting child in his arms. “You’re a father now, so maybe you’ll understand.”

  “God knows I want to,” Ryan said. “We all do.”

  Connor cleared his throat, then looked to Molly. “I wouldn’t mind another beer.”

  She jumped up at once. “Of course.”

  Only after she’d returned with the drink and he’d taken a long swallow did he finally speak. “When your mother and I were married, we were young. Too young, probably, but I fell in love with her the day I set eyes on her, and she felt the same. I had a job, a decent one with decent wages. A year later, Ryan, you were born. It was a joyous occasion. I looked at you the first time I held you and thought to myself, ‘I would give my life to protect this boy.”’

  Caitlyn patted her grandfather’s cheek. “You’re talking about my daddy, huh?”

  Connor gave her a tired smile. “That I am, little angel. Your daddy was something else. He had one speed—full throttle.”

  Across the room, Maggie grinned. “Like someone else in the family,” she said, gazing at her daughter.

  Connor settled back in the booth, looking more at ease now that the telling was finally underway. He’d always had the gift of being a natural storyteller, and he drew on that now. Daniel knew he would paint a picture for Ryan, Sean and Michael that would make that tragic turning point in all their lives as real as if it had happened yesterday. Maybe it would lead only to more anger and blame, but there was also the chance it could finally lead to understanding and forgiveness.

  “And then Sean came along,” Connor said, looking toward his second born, who was wearing a Boston Fire Department T-shirt. “You were born without fear. If Ryan did it, you wanted to do it, too. Nothing was too high for you to climb or too risky for you to try.”

  “He’s not scared of anything now, either,” Kevin said proudly. “He fights fires. That’s how me and Mommy met him.”

  Connor nodded. “It doesn’t surprise me in the least that you’d take chances, if it meant saving lives, Sean.” He turned to his wife. “You remember the day he climbed up onto the neighbor’s roof? Almost scared the life out of both of us.”