Reawakening

by Stein, Charlotte

  “And what am I like?”

  The answer came back quick. Not even a pause to consider or form a lie or anything like it.

  “Amazing.”

  And it was so startling, too! She almost jumped at the sound of it, then simply didn’t know what to say on any level. They kept using that word. She didn’t think it meant what they thought it meant.

  “That’s what Blake said,” she replied, and that didn’t really seem like the kind of thing an amazing person would mention. It sounded like something a dunderhead would say when they couldn’t think of anything else to bring up.

  “He did? Wow. Well, we talked about it. Never thought he’d actually tell you to your face.”

  “Why…why not?”

  “Come on, June. You know what Blake’s like. Never using three words when he could use one.”

  Yeah, she knew. Although sometimes that didn’t seem as true as when she’d first thought it. He could blurt things out with the best of them.

  “Well, I’m not. Amazing, I mean. I don’t know why you guys think it, when I do shit like—”

  “We think it—I think it—because you’re functioning, honey. You’ve come out of all of this functioning.”

  For some reason, the words stopped her throat. He was clearly waiting for her to say something in response to that, but nothing made its way out. All this time, she’d thought of herself as this…mess. Unable to sleep, unable to talk, unable to even do something simple like kiss either of them…and that’s what they thought?

  “Barely,” she said, finally, but he had a response for that, too.

  “No, not barely. I was barely. I know what barely is. They committed me to a psych ward, for barely. And that was just ‘cause a mine took out three of my buddies. Not ‘cause zombies ate my family or some unendurable shit like that.”

  She blurted it out before she could get a hold of it.

  “I knew. I knew, you know.”

  “Knew what?”

  “That something had happened to you, before. That something made you this way.”

  “What way?”

  He sounded nervous, like he was just waiting for the awful verdict. But he didn’t need to be. No, God—he didn’t need to be. They were the two best things about him, really. They made him who he was, and she loved him for it.

  “Reckless. Wired,” she said, because that summed him up. That was it—the thing she loved.

  And he laughed, once it was out.

  “Aw, well. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that’s how I am. Better than what I thought you’d go with.”

  “And what did you think I’d go with?”

  “Nuts.”

  It made her laugh too, to hear it. It was almost a bummer to have to go back to something serious. But it had pulled at her long enough and now was the time to talk about it.

  “Did you know, Jamie? That this was coming?” She paused, waiting for the world to end because she’d finally asked. But, of course, the world had already ended. What other bad thing could possibly happen? “I don’t mind if you did. I just…want to know everything now. Like—what you did in the army, and how all of this happened, and—”

  “Is that what you were hoping? That I’d have answers?”

  She closed her eyes. Yeah. Yeah, she supposed that was kind of what she’d been hoping. In amongst the resenting of him for possibly knowing that this was coming, she’d found some time for hope. Explanations would have been so welcome.

  “Baby, you’re crazy. How could anyone have seen this insanity was about to hit? You’d go insane knowing it was coming down the pipe at you!”

  But of course, of course. She’d known there’d never be any explanations. Though at the very least she got some relief from hearing the incredulity in his voice. From understanding, finally, that he hadn’t had some crazy inside information.

  “Is that what you thought all this time, June? That I built this place ‘cause I knew the zombie apocalypse was coming?”

  She winced, then. Braced herself for some anger or resentment from him, that she’d thought he was that kind of person.

  So when he barked out a laugh, it actually did make her jump this time.

  “How could anyone have known it’d be goddamned zombies? They’re not even fuckin’ zombies, really—people just went crazy, you know they did. Probably, like, some mutated rabies virus or some shit like that. And I bet it weren’t even a bomb or some kind of chemical warfare. I bet it was something fuckin’ ridiculous, like GM crops or a new kind of Aspirin.”

  She appreciated the kick of mordant humor in his voice. It made the whole thing sound more true—inescapably true. That was what had happened. Just an accident. Just something no one had really expected to happen.

  “You know, it’s funny. I built this place ‘cause I wanted a home. And yeah, maybe I thought I’d need it one day. Maybe I saw a little too much of how people treat each other, and reckoned one day we’d all blow ourselves to kingdom come. And boy, did we ever! Oh man, did we ever fuck ourselves up—just not in the way I’d ever imagined. Zombies! Ha!”

  He had such a way of making everything all right, even when talking about the most depressing things. Did he know that? She wanted him to know that.

  “Open the door, hon,” she said and he did.

  Only she couldn’t quite bring herself to hug him the way she’d intended to, because…well. He…she…she couldn’t…

  He seemed to have removed most of his clothes. Most of his clothes were off. He was standing at the sink, with a half a face of shaving cream and only a pair of trousers on his nearly totally naked body.

  She almost did something very stupid. But it couldn’t be helped! The urge just came on her, like some remnant of polite social etiquette that didn’t really apply now—you walk in on someone in the bathroom, you step away and apologize. The words oh sorry even flashed up behind her eyes and she came within an inch of stepping to one side. To putting him out of view and giving him the privacy he obviously didn’t give a shit about.

  Why would he give a shit, for God’s sake? He’d had a hand inside her panties. Being stripped to the waist seemed very tame by comparison.

  But it was just so…there. That was the thing. Suddenly he was a man with a half-naked body, the way Blake had been on that first day. It was arresting and weird and not something she was used to seeing outside the context of bloated zombie carcasses.

  Plus, it couldn’t be denied. He looked damn good. Damn good in a different way to Blake, but still. Oh so hot. Everything on him seemed lean and rangy and like he’d just been fighting in a pit with seven other men. That was the image that came to mind. Pit fighting. Or maybe surviving in a forest somewhere, with nothing but a pair of trousers and a pocket knife to keep him company.

  Yeah. That was what he looked like. As though he actually really used every muscle he had for tough things she couldn’t understand. Plus he had scars—one long one down the lean curve of his back. Another down one ropey arm that ended in an ugly twist just past his elbow.

  She almost felt ashamed for drooling when this was clearly the body of some horrific future war survivor. Her mind went to Michael Biehn prancing around half-naked in The Terminator and it just made her feel even worse.

  Especially when he seemed to guess what her eyeballs couldn’t get enough of.

  “You want me to put some clothes on?”

  All she could think was—dear God no. He wasn’t even joking either or mocking her drooling. He sounded totally sincere.

  “It’s…fine,” she said then felt her cheeks heat. Oh, how high her voice had sounded. “I’m just not…I’ve barely seen a naked man in, like, three years.”

  “I’ll put some clothes on.”

  “No! No. We did that…stuff. It’s cool. You should be naked often. I want you to be naked.” She swallowed, thickly. Largely around her own mortification. Had she just said you should be naked often? Like what? Like a continuous around the clock sort of thing? “Oh, boy. I’m saying a
lot of words. A lot, a lot. Let’s just…breeze right by them.”

  “You sure?” He’d raised one eyebrow but to his credit he turned back to the mirror once said eyebrow was up there. And he carried on shaving, too, as though he wanted to make sure she knew how casual this all was. No big deal. “‘Cause we can carry on talking about being naked if you’re in the mood for it.”

  She wondered if it would be okay to answer yeah, I’m absolutely in the mood for it. One look at your incredible hard-body from some terrible future war and anyone would be in the mood for it. I’m only surprised Blake hasn’t tried to fuck you, when you look the way you do.

  “You blushing, June-y? Maybe I should be warning you—I got a dirty mouth on me when the green light’s on.”

  It almost made her grin in the middle of all of this messy talk, to know that she’d guessed. She’d gotten it bang on! He had a potty mouth and he wasn’t afraid to use it. He probably said all kinds of crazy things once the action started. He probably talked about things she’d never even heard of, and told people to do stuff they’d never even contemplated, and oh God if she just swooned on the bathroom floor would he take pity and hump her into the middle of next week?

  She hoped so. Because dear Lord, was she ever getting close to swooning.

  “Uh…I…” she started. The end words were going to be want to fool around with you, but they wouldn’t come. Of course they wouldn’t. Words only came when she least needed them, like if the peas needed passing or something like that.

  For God’s sake—she could gesture for the peas if she required them. Oh, if only a person could gesture for sex. Was there a universal sign she didn’t know about? Did she have to rub her boobs in three circles then poke her finger through a closed fist?

  That sounded right. Shame, really, that all she could do was watch him draw clean, gun-metal-underneath lines down his gorgeous face. At which she shook her head, because really. Really. Was watching him shave honestly turning her on?

  Even worse—she suspected that him doing anything would turn her on. If he started flossing, she was a dead woman.

  “Go on, baby—what do you wanna say? You need the bathroom?”

  She hated him for being so casually sexual one second and so dense the next. It could have been that he was just being cautious and gentlemanly, but she didn’t think so. He just didn’t get how hungry she was.

  “No.”

  “Nothing more to say, then?”

  She sagged a little then.

  “No.”

  “Well all right then. I guess it’s my turn. And I’m gonna go with—what did you go off on your own to get?”

  Her face flamed back to red immediately, stupidly. Had he guessed? He was certainly sharp enough to have guessed. And it went so neatly with the naked conversation they’d had, too.

  “Oh, I, erm…”

  Great start, June!

  “Blake guessed something embarrassing, am I right? Something you didn’t want to tell us two big hairy manly fellas about.”

  Oh Lord. This wasn’t going anywhere good.

  “But we got all kinds of things you might be embarrassed about in the storeroom. I mean—come on. You think I figured on someone needing twelve types of spectacles and didn’t imagine anyone might want some double D batteries, some day?”

  She frowned, at first—not quite getting it. Shortly before she got it far too much for comfort.

  “Oh no I don’t—”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah sure—girls don’t. And my Momma’s the Pope.”

  She burst out laughing then. Covered her face.

  “I didn’t mean that, Jesus Jamie! What the fuck would I want a sex toy for? Are you telling me you actually have sex toys in the storeroom? Hey look—I think I can live with just my hand and maybe…okay…here’s the thing.”

  The word maybe made her plunge into the other stuff. He’d made it kind of easy—or maybe he’d just given her no choice—but either way the time was now. Just say it, she thought. Just say it—he didn’t seem to think it a big deal to talk about vibrators, for God’s sake.

  “I went to get some…I just thought that we might be…that just in case, I should get some…you know.”

  He was looking at her like she’d gone crazy. Of course he was. This was the thing that made her crazy. This! The zombie apocalypse—oh no, no, no. That was fine. Talking about sex stuff? Torture.

  “I think you might be speaking another language. Were there any actual nouns in those half sentences?”

  A noise burst out of her. It sounded very fucking frustrated.

  “Condoms, okay? If we’re gonna fuck, we need some condoms. That’s the noun. That’s what we need. Condoms, condoms, condoms I do not know why that’s so hard to say.”

  He didn’t look the way she’d expected him to, when she’d finished ranting. About condoms. He didn’t look appalled, that she’d gone after something so stupid. Or disgusted, that she was so horny.

  He just looked amused. Which was kind of worse.

  “Wow. I guessed wa-a-ay more embarrassing than a coupla packs of Trojans.”

  She kind of hated him for that. At the very least she threw up her arms, and stomped off on him.

  “Aw, June—I was just kidding with you. Come on! June-y—that ain’t embarrassing!” He followed her into the bedroom, but that just made her want to cover her eyes. He was even more naked in there than he had been in the bathroom. “I don’t even know why you couldn’t ask for that. And if you had, you coulda saved yourself a whole heap of trouble. We got all kinds of birth control type stuff here—what did you think? That we’re just dying to restart the human race with Blake’s son and my daughter? Hey—maybe we’ll get lucky and it’ll only have three heads.”

  She rolled her eyes at him. Such a depressing concept seemed to require more, but really, who were they kidding? Even if she’d been able to, she’d never considered “restarting the human race” a viable option. Most of her understood that it was too late for anything like that—and despite the slashing grin on his face, she knew he knew it, too.

  “It’s not…that. I can’t have kids anyway—I got one malfunctioning ovary and one that takes a lot of vacations. Or at least, that’s a variation on what I remember the doc saying to me, back when I was busy partying over the idea that I’d never have to worry about a pregnancy scare.”

  It sounded pretty bitter coming out, she had to say. In spite of those earlier thoughts about the human race and restarting it and all of those things that weren’t really possible anyway.

  But that was all right because Jamie always knew how to gloss over issues the proper way. He changed the subject with the ease of a magician and she didn’t have to think about any of that end-of-humanity stuff ever again.

  “Okay, so, lemme get this straight. You can’t have weird mutant apocalypse kids anyway—like in that movie Threads. You seen that? Oh man, I don’t think I’d even want you to pop one out, just in case it had a tentacle coming out of its eyeball or—”

  “Jamie. God-dammit. I’ve just eaten three pounds of powdered egg, Jesus!”

  “Sorry, baby, but come on. That movie is fucked up, seriously.”

  “Jamie—your point. Where is it?”

  “Okay so yeah. You can’t have kids. You ain’t worried about getting knocked up. But you still went to get condoms…why? Because of the killer mutant STDs you think we’re gonna give you?”

  “Yeah. I’m worried about herpes. During the rabid zombie apocalypse. Are you serious?”

  “Well hey. You’re the one out looking for Trojans, honey.”

  Why did he have such a knack for pulling her up short?

  Maybe because she was a stupid, stupid person. Who hadn’t even considered the actual true purpose of a condom, and what it was needed for. Apparently her brain had just gone sex equals condom needed. Without putting a whole lot of thought into why that was actually the case.

  “Oh. Oh.”

  He slapped his thigh, in response.r />
  “Ha! You almost went and got yourself killed over something you don’t even need! Real smart, June. Bravo.” He hooted up a storm but then seemed to stop mid-laugh. His face went flat, suddenly, and he swallowed audibly before he added a whole bunch of stuff she didn’t want to hear. “You been thinking suicidal thoughts, June-bug?”

  Was it bad because he said suicidal? Because he paired it with that cute little nickname? Or because his bright sparking gaze went as hollow as Blake’s sometimes did when the thought occurred to him?

  All three, maybe, she felt. All three.

  “No, hon No, I’m not. I just didn’t think, that’s all. You don’t have to worry about that—ever since I came here I…”

  I have something to live for, she finished, in her head. But it was okay because he didn’t seem to need her to say it out loud. Why would he need it when she could hear her heart pounding outside her body and he was looking at her like…like he wouldn’t ever be able to get enough. Not ever.

  “Jamie?”

  “Yeah?”

  “How come you’re not over here doing stuff to me?”

  Chapter Eight

  He shrugged with his eyebrows. She named it, officially, the sexiest gesture of all time. It was just so casual and so yeah, you’ve got a point. It was just so him.

  “It’s kinda difficult when you just have to guess everything. You don’t talk. You don’t ask. So we just have to figure everything out, like whether or not you’re gay, or frightened we’re gonna attack you, or desperately in need of condoms that aren’t required.”

  “You know—it’s not as though you guys talk a whole lot either. Would have made things easier if you’d both just sat me down and said—hey, how about we make some kind of Mormon enclave, here?”

  It was better, with a touch of funny in it. Though he didn’t laugh, not at all. The intensity in his expression had ratcheted up another notch, even though she hadn’t known there was another notch to be had.

  He looked crazy—but in a real lowdown good shivery kind of way. Plus he said stuff like—

  “I don’t think Mormons all fuck each other in one big bed.”