My Unexpected Hope

by Tammy L. Gray

  “I don’t know. It’s like I’m home, but everything’s different.” He shifted through some of the CDs, pulling out a few and setting them to the side. “We all kind of had our roles and expectations, and now I feel like I don’t know exactly where I fit. Or if I fit at all.”

  “Is that why you haven’t told anyone you’re in town?”

  He shrugged and his eyes found a spot on the far wall. “How do you know I haven’t?”

  “Because I’ve talked to Joe twice, and he hasn’t mentioned you.” Neither had Katie. And even though Laila still resented her a little, especially when it came to Chad, their friendship had slowly begun to heal. Katie would have plenty to say about both Ben and Chad, if she knew. “Plus, I’m pretty sure my phone would be ringing off the hook.”

  “True. Is that why you didn’t tell anyone?”

  “No. I just figured you’d be leaving soon, so there wasn’t any point.”

  He snorted. “Wow. Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “I know.” He smiled, but the motion felt sad. “Truth is, I appreciate your discretion. There are a few people I’m not ready to deal with yet, and my sponsor thinks I should take my time and adjust to all the changes first. Mark is big on slow and steady.”

  Fear and vulnerability rang openly in his gaze, and she had to sit on her hand not to reach out and comfort him.

  “I won’t say anything until you’re ready.”

  “Thank you.” He picked through another stack, chose two of her favorites, and set them down.

  “Hey, you don’t just get a free for all,” she said pointing to his growing pile. “I like some of those.”

  His brows pinched. “Since when?” He grabbed his pile and began laying each out in front of her. “This one I bought before homecoming, and you said if I played it in the car, you’d dance with Bobby McMahon just to spite me. This one was Katie’s, and if I recall, it took me begging on two knees for you to even let it inside the house.” He continued on, a nostalgic smile forming as he reminded her of the origin of every album.

  What he didn’t realize was that after he’d left, she’d listened to all of them. Sometimes to remember him. Sometimes to make her angry enough to forget the pain. And sometimes just because it filled the house with a familiar sound. After a while, she listened simply because she liked the music.

  “Well, my tastes have changed, and I want . . .” She grabbed two cases. “Both of these.”

  “Fine. But I get the next five without complaint, and I may take Overexposed just for spite.”

  She gasped. Maroon 5 was her favorite, and he knew it. “You wouldn’t dare.”

  His face suddenly softened, the teasing smirk disappearing. “No. I wouldn’t. I just like to see you riled up.”

  The air shifted, and she could sense that old chemistry sparking between them. Laila played with the hem of her shorts, not wanting to add to the sudden tension.

  “So, I guess this is the last time we’ll hang out together,” he said, his voice regretful. “It’s going to be weird being in Fairfield and not being around you all the time.”

  “We’ll adjust. It just takes time and . . . space.” Loads of space, acres of space.

  “And you think that will do it?” He touched her knee, and the ache in his eyes did more to rattle her than the idea of coexisting in their little town. “Make me stop loving you?”

  “I think we have to start somewhere.” Quickly enough to make her stumble, Laila jumped to her feet. “The movies are in ou—my room. I’ll go grab them.”

  She ran to the bathroom instead and splashed cold water on her face and neck. Of all the scenarios she’d fabricated in her mind, never once did this one play out. Chad accepting her decision. Chad walking away without an army forcing him to the truck. Chad being completely upfront and honest with her.

  Grabbing the blue hand towel that shouldn’t bring more memories but did, Laila forced herself to relax. It was the house. His things. Once she moved to Burchwood and out of this town, all these feelings would finally disappear.

  When she went back to the living room, the scene was comical. Chad must have run out to the truck and grabbed the boxes, because they were now barely balanced in his arms, the top one teetering.

  “A little help here,” he groaned, taking another step toward the piles they’d made.

  “They’re made of cardboard. Just let them drop.”

  And he did, all three crashing to the ground in front of him.

  She tried not to laugh when he ran his hand through his hair, leaving a trail of what looked like Styrofoam scattered though the strands.

  He noticed her smile, and shook the mop on his head, watching as tiny particles fell out. Chad wasn’t the kind of guy to primp about his looks, but she could tell it bugged him that she found his current disheveled state amusing. “Mind if I use your mirror?”

  “Um, sure. The bathroom is down . . .” She stopped because he knew exactly where the bathroom was. He knew where everything was, probably better than she did.

  Chad squeezed past her, his chest lightly grazing her shoulder. She tried to focus on the storage container in her arms and not the burn lingering on her skin where his touch had been. Setting down their old DVDs, she ran a hand down her arm, hoping it would take away the sting. It didn’t.

  She heard water running in the distance while she moved the now-empty CD basket aside and replaced it with the plastic DVD storage. The faucet cut off, and she flinched, not quite ready to be in the same space with him again.

  “Hey,” Chad called from the hallway. “What’s with the screwdriver on the floor?”

  She followed the sound to their tiny half bath just past the kitchen. “I was trying to change the air filter, but Cooper tightened the grate so tight, all I managed to do was strip the screw.”

  He dropped to a knee and touched the metal, rubbing his finger along the grooves. “I’ll take care of it.” His voice was tight. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this all by yourself.”

  They lapsed into silence, not daring to speak further, but he turned his head, and pain flashed across his face. “That’s been the hardest thing about these last nine months. Not just the recovery, but recognizing how badly I hurt you. How much I lost, and how much I allowed my hurt inside to control my behavior.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes, and she looked down at the new filter propped against the wall. He’d never said those words before, not with so much personal responsibility.

  Heaving a breath, she shifted away, the space between them widening like open jaws. He must have sensed her retreat, because he put his hand up.

  “Don’t worry. I’m not going to beg you again. You’ve made your position abundantly clear and then some. Making amends is part of the process, so I just needed to say that.”

  “Okay. Thank you.” She swallowed. “I’ll go start loading the boxes.”

  With surprising speed, he pulled himself back into that casual, let’s-be-friends persona he’d shown up with. “Sounds good. Let me finish this, and I’ll get my clothes next.”

  But the idea of Chad walking past the bed where’d they spent so many passion-filled nights, or entering the closet where they’d painstakingly hung rows and rows of shelving, or touching the suit he’d worn while promising to love and cherish her, was far too dangerous to consider.

  “I’ll get them. We can just pack everything in the living room.”

  He looked up, and his soft smile made her stomach flutter. For a second she caught a glimpse of the young man she’d married. The one with hopes and dreams and promises he still kept.

  Worse, she found herself not wanting to let the image go.

  CHAPTER 17

  Chad stared at the changes made to Katie’s old home—the house he’d snuck into at least twice a week when he was younger. The exterior paint was new, the windows were now framed by blue shutters, and the owners were some couple who’d moved to Fairfield fr
om Nebraska, or so Cooper had said.

  But even weirder was the fact that Katie now lived next door, in the towering two-story Victorian that used to belong to Dr. Mills—a tyrant of a man who’d threatened them all with a 12-gauge shotgun. Of course, they’d been traipsing through his yard at the time, and had stolen some gnomes from his garden once before.

  Back pressed against Betsy’s hood, Chad continued to stare at the Victorian’s front door, his feet no more willing to move than they had been five minutes ago. Katie was married now. She shared this monstrosity with a husband, living the kind of life Chad and Katie had made fun of as kids.

  Chad’s fingers strayed to the back of his neck, trying to massage the ache in his muscles. The motion brought no respite. His whole body was locked in a tension that would likely stay until he’d said what needed to be said.

  With one last kick to the gravel, he shoved off the truck and took four strides to the front porch. A scrape of hinges had his stomach plummeting, especially when a heartbeat later, Katie pushed open the door.

  At least she wasn’t in that pretentious church dress. He could deal with this version. The cutoffs, loose T-shirt, flip-flops—even with that diamond ring on her finger and hair way too short.

  Unblinking, she took him in, open-mouthed shock reverberating off her face.

  “I bet you never thought you’d see me again.” His words came out bitter and strangled, but only because something had shifted in her face. The surprise had worn away, and her eyes had filled with tears.

  Katie walked down each step without a word, but her gaze blazed a trail across his face, over his chest, down to his feet, and back up again. “Chad?” She said it like he was an apparition, walking toward him without any hesitation.

  He found himself wanting to back away from her, from the relief in her eyes, from the tremble in her lip. This wasn’t how Katie was supposed to react. It was too soft.

  She stopped within a foot of him and put her palms on his cheeks like a doting mother. “You look so good. Healthy.” The first tear fell from her eyes, leaving him once again feeling paralyzed. “I thought . . .” Katie shook her head, but it only made more tears fall. “I worried you were dead. Or hurt.” Her hands dropped away. “But look at you. Sober. I’m so . . . I don’t know what I am right now.” With a force that had him stumbling, she wrapped her arms around him, her head pressed against his chest, her arms tight enough that she seemed to fear letting go.

  Tears pooled in his own eyes. He told himself he wouldn’t cry, but he couldn’t stop the moisture. His arms wrapped around her by instinct more than anything, and Katie’s chest heaved faster. These sobs weren’t like the last time he’d seen her—not erratic and labored by deep gulps and shaky hands. But her tears were just as unbearable to him. He’d expected a fight. Instead he felt a piece of himself return, and the relief wrecked every terrible thing he’d planned to say to her.

  They stayed that way for hours it seemed, until they both found a way to control their emotions. Slowly, she eased away from him, her eyes red and puffy, but full of that same joy he’d seen in the church parking lot.

  “When did you get home?” She took a step back and again examined every inch like she needed more proof he was real. Her right palm wiped away the wet trails on each side of her face.

  “A few days ago.”

  She paused, and he knew her next question before it ever left her lips.

  “Yes, Laila knows. She’s the first one I saw.” He used his shoulder to wipe away the evidence of his breakdown and felt some of the anger return now that they’d moved on to small talk. That wasn’t what he’d come here for.

  Katie glanced at her front door. “Do you want to come in? Asher’s on a conference call, but he’d love to see you again when he’s off.”

  “You think so?” He snorted, no more eager to make nice with her new husband than Asher probably was to meet him. “Cooper gave me the impression you’re not too fond of your old friends.”

  “Cooper’s not an old friend, so how would he know?” Her eyes turned hard, and though most sane people would recoil from the sharpness, the sight only made Chad grin. That was the Katie he knew.

  “Let’s just ease into this, okay? I barely recognize you as it is.”

  She fingered her much-lighter shoulder-length hair and bit her lip. “It’s my natural color.”

  “I remember. I just haven’t seen that color since the fifth grade, and even then, your hair was crazy long.”

  A smile crept across her face. “It had to be or I’d lose.”

  Katie and Laila used to make him measure their hair to see whose was longer. The winner got to pick movie preferences for a month.

  Chad felt his own smile emerge. “You lost anyway.”

  “Not always.”

  They walked over to the front steps and sat. Katie fiddled with the frays on her shorts, while he laced his fingers together, still trying to sort through his jumble of conflicting emotions.

  The bitterness was easier.

  Silence descended and seemed to find the spot between them, bringing a tangible awkwardness that had never existed before.

  Finally, he found the courage to speak. “It’s funny how things turn out. Laila and I are divorced, I’m living with your ex-boyfriend, and you’re married to the preacher’s kid.” He kicked a rock in front of his shoe. “I still can’t wrap my head around that one.”

  “Yeah. Most people can’t.” She glanced over her shoulder to the front door, and her face visibly softened. “I never thought I’d love someone the way Laila loves you.”

  “Loved. Past tense.” He’d worked so hard to act unaffected, to hide the sheer torment that came with having been in his house again. “I think I really lost her this time.”

  Katie rolled her eyes. “Please. Laila still loves you as much as she always did. Don’t let her convince you otherwise.”

  “She’s certainly trying.” He thought of the ache that came with every CD, DVD, and piece of clothing that went into those boxes. It was as if someone had died and they were burying the memories. “We spent last night packing my stuff up. And despite my best efforts to reminisce and tear down her defenses, her only response was to ask me to give her space.” He air quoted the word with disgust.

  “Ouch.”

  “No kidding. Like two years isn’t enough time to show both of us that we belong together.”

  She tilted her head, then shifted so she could face him head on. “Are you okay?”

  He shrugged. “I’m dealing with it the best I can without a drink. I guess that’s something.”

  “It’s not just something, Chad. It’s everything.”

  His chest tightened as that familiar bond came flooding back between them. As always, she understood his temptations. His pain. Time hadn’t severed it after all.

  She reached out and squeezed his hand. “Tell me what happened after I left. Laila’s given me bits and pieces, but not enough to understand what you went through.”

  Part of him didn’t want to, but a stronger part knew he needed Katie in his life. His talks with Mark were becoming less and less effective, and it was only a matter of time before he’d have to face Slim.

  Chad looked up at the blue sky, bright with the sun popping in and out of the clouds. It should have been dreary or rainy or even dark, to match the things he was about to tell her. “Laila found the vial by the bed and brought it with her to the hospital. They analyzed it and found traces of fentanyl in the mix. That’s why the high was so strong for you and why after only two lines, I went into respiratory failure. I’m lucky I didn’t have a heart attack on top of it.”

  Katie dipped her head, the shame loud enough without words. He continued, recounting every ugly detail of the last five years. How Laila changed after that night, how their relationship disintegrated in front of him, how he got mixed up with Slim and the dealing. He told her about the many times he’d failed and the one time he succeeded. He told her about Mark and how Coope
r’s call broke his heart.

  She listened to all of it without interruption, her only reaction being the shifting of her legs or the tightness in her mouth when she heard the blackest parts.

  “I’ve blamed you for a long, long time,” he admitted. “Probably more than was justified.”

  “I deserved to be blamed. It’s my fault.” She ran her hands down her face. “I’ve thought of that night so many times. At first, I just wanted to erase it from my memory, and when that didn’t work, I tried to outrun it. Then I tried to fix all the heartbreak I caused by trying to reverse that one stupid decision.” She turned and her eyes pleaded with his. “In the end, I finally had to forgive myself and hope that one day you could too.”

  Chad waited, unable to answer that hidden question. She wanted from him the same thing he expected from Laila. Forgiveness. Something so simple, yet so impossibly hard.

  Instead of answering, he asked his own question. “What about you? Cooper pretty much gave me the summary of events after you came home, but what happened in Jacksonville?”

  Embarrassment flushed her cheeks. “I took up with an ex.”

  “Which one?”

  “Zander.”

  “You have got to be kidding me!” Rage seared through his stomach, forcing him to stand, walk two paces, then turn around. “That guy almost put you in the hospital.” Zander had also tried to get Chad arrested when he’d tracked him down and showed the monster what it felt like to be battered.

  “I was desperate.”

  “You were stupid.”

  She jumped up as well. “And what do you call making deals with Slim, huh? Because in my book, that’s equivalent to signing your soul away.”

  The man’s name was like a splash of cold water on his simmering anger. He put his hands on his hips and let his head fall back. “I almost have the money I need.”

  Katie stepped closer, that fiery temper of hers bursting between them. “‘Almost’ will buy you a casket or a shiny new pair of shackles. Either way, there is no way to face that man without every cent, especially after two years of hiding.”