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First published in Great Britain by HarperImpulse 2018
Copyright © Lucie Wheeler 2018
Cover design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2018
Cover illustrations © Shutterstock.com
Lucie Wheeler asserts the moral right
to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is
available from the British Library
This novel is entirely a work of fiction.
The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are
the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to
actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is
entirely coincidental.
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and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.
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Souce ISBN: 9780008216566
Ebook Edition © May 2018 ISBN: 9780008216559
Version 2018-02-23
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Also by Lucie Wheeler
About HarperImpulse
About the Publisher
Dedication
To all the mums and dads all over the world.
Whether you are a biological parent, step parent, grandparent, adoptive parent, foster parent, surrogate parent, carer, guardian… whatever your capacity is, just remember that you are doing an incredible thing.
Keep sharing the love with children all over the world and remember that it is ok to not know what you are doing, because to your children, you are doing everything they will ever need just by being there and loving them.
You are not alone – remember that.
Prologue
‘Are you for real?’ Nancy exhaled hard in disbelief as she stared open-eyed at her husband.
‘Don’t be like that, Nance; try to see it from my point of view.’
He looked tired, unshaven and pretty much like he had given up on life. Nancy couldn’t blame him; it had been a hard few years for the pair of them – for all of them actually. But she didn’t have the option of giving up, and neither should he.
‘Your point of view? Are you actually saying these words? Can you hear yourself, Pete?’
He slammed down his glass of wine and stomped into the kitchen, leaning his hands on the butler sink edge and dropping his head in shame. Nancy followed closely behind him, not trusting him to finish what he’d started. They were supposed to be having a nice romantic meal tonight. Jack was upstairs in bed (although not asleep because he didn’t really do sleep), the dining table in the living room was set out with a bottle of red wine and candles and Pete had chosen the break between their lentil soup starter and the chicken and chorizo tray bake that was in the oven to tell her he was leaving her.
‘I … I … I don’t understand.’
He stayed facing the sink, not giving her the eye contact she so desperately wanted. ‘It’s too hard.’
‘What is?’
‘Him!’ Pete shouted, as he turned round and gestured his finger to the ceiling, indicating their six-year-old son upstairs.
Nancy felt her stomach turn as she listened to Pete talk about Jack with such frustration. A mix of anger and pain churning round together. She took a deep breath. ‘He’s our son,’ she said, the words barely coming out as a whisper.
Pete threw his hands to his head and covered his eyes, groaning in frustration. Nancy wasn’t sure if it was with her, Jack or himself. Either way, she was heartbroken. ‘I know! I just … I can’t keep doing this. I can’t handle his funny little quirks and his demands and his … you know … his … stupid little things!’
‘Stupid?’ she gasped. ‘Pete, he can’t help it!’
‘There must be a way to make him better.’
‘He’s not ill!’ She was starting to get annoyed now.
‘Well, he’s not right though, is he!’ he challenged, staring her straight in the eyes for the first time since he’d announced his departure from their family.
‘What is wrong with you?’ She creased her face in disbelief. ‘He is your son – how can you be so disrespectful to him?’
‘Nance, listen to me.’ He moved forward and tried to take her hands but she snatched them away. She couldn’t have him touching her. She felt disgusted by the thought of his hands on her right now, and he realised this as she backed away and exhaled, dropping his hands by his side. ‘I just need some space. To get my head around it all.’
Nancy shook her head and walked back into the living room, picking up the bottle of red in the middle of the table and topping up her glass. She gulped a mouthful of the red, fruity liquid. Full Bodied, the label said. It could have said anything, she wasn’t a wine connoisseur. Pete always chose the wine when they bought it as he seemed to know what he was talking about. Before they’d had Jack, they’d gone on a wine tasting retreat in France and learned all about the different types of wine and which grapes created which flavour. Nancy had been more interested in drinking all the tasters, but Pete had taken a real interest in the history of it all and ever since had applied his newfound knowledge to the wines they purchased on a weekly basis, sneakily added into their online basket when they did their shop. Jack didn’t like supermarkets – or anywhere where there were a lot of people close enough to brush past him – so they’d chosen online shopping over the last few years. She let the warm liquid slip down her throat, coating it and making her feel slightly calmer. It was never a good s
ign to turn to a glass of wine for comfort but right now, she didn’t care. She needed something to give her time to take in what was happening.
She kept having hot flushes as surges of anxiety bolted through her body, and she pulled her long, freshly curled brunette hair up into a messy bun and secured it with a hairband. She’d spent ages earlier getting ready for their little date night. Actually styling her hair rather than leaving it in the messy mum bun that it normally resided in, choosing Pete’s favourite LBD which was maybe a little too dressy for dinner at home but Nancy wanted tonight to be special – a night to remember. Well, she was going to remember it, that was for sure.
Ten minutes later, Pete walked in to join her, holding a second bottle of red. It was only then that she realised she had already finished the bottle on the table. He placed the bottle in front of her, not saying a word, and put the cork screw in, twisting it. Nancy listened to the squeak as he twisted and then pulled the cork free. She watched him smell the cork and gave way to a little smile. It was something he always did. To see if the wine was corked, he would tell her.
‘Here,’ he said, passing her a fresh glass with the new wine in. She took it from him and sipped it straight away. ‘Nancy, I’m sorry,’ he said softly.
She shrugged, not trusting herself to say any words that weren’t fuck you right now. It was as though he could sense her resentment. ‘Please don’t hate me.’
She looked at him. His short dark hair needed a cut and there was stubble on his cheeks. She felt sorry for him. She had been so wrapped up in her own dealings with Jack and his challenges that she’d missed how badly Pete was coping. That’s what tonight was about: time for the two of them, because everything over the last few months had been totally focused on Jack and fighting his corner. Getting the school to understand, filling in forms, speaking to professionals, crying because the professionals didn’t say what they wanted to hear. Listening to Jack cry over seemingly trivial things, apologising on his behalf for pretty much everything, arguing with each other because they had become so frustrated. The only way to get through it was to release everything and unfortunately the ones who had to deal with the worst of those releases were normally those who were closest to you. It was all coming into perspective now. The last few months, probably even years, had been a rollercoaster of one stressful event after another and Nancy had used all her energy to make sure she kept fighting and that Jack was OK. She hadn’t once stopped to think how Pete was coping.
Which was probably why he was leaving her now.
‘It’s not you,’ he said, as if he was reading her mind. ‘It’s me.’
She laughed. ‘That is the lamest break up line you could have used. Could you not be more original?’ The laugh faded on her lips as quickly as it had arrived. She dropped her gaze again, unable to keep the eye contact. She felt betrayed, destroyed. After all these years, how could he be leaving her?
‘It’s true though, Nance. It really isn’t you. I love you—’
‘Love me?’ she said, before she realised what was coming out of her mouth. ‘Don’t insult me by telling me you love me. Love is supporting someone when times are tough, being there for them no matter what and making sure that as long as you have each other, nothing else matters.’ The emotion caught unexpectedly in her throat and she hiccupped. She swallowed it down, taking a deep breath. ‘I stuck by you when you were made redundant all those years ago and spiralled into depression. You were just a shell. You didn’t talk, you didn’t work, you just shut off into yourself and pushed me and Jack out.’ He noticeably flinched as she recalled the memory. ‘But did I leave you then? No! I stuck by you and supported you. That,’ she jabbed her finger towards him, ‘is love. You can’t love me if you’re willing to walk out on us.’
‘I do! Look you don’t have to believe me but it’s true. I just need time. I can’t handle everything right now, it’s just constant. There’s no break.’
‘And you expect me to cope with the constant by myself? You’re actually going to swan off and leave me to deal with the meltdowns and the tears and the kicking and screaming by myself?’ She was hoping that by highlighting all this he would realise what he was doing and come to his senses. That he would say Shit, yeah, you’re right. I can’t leave you, I’m sorry, I’ll stay.
But he didn’t.
‘I’m sorry.’
She watched him finish his glass and then stand, pushing his chair slowly back underneath the table. ‘I’ll be at my mum’s. I’ll come and get my stuff tomorrow when Jack’s at school.’
‘You’re not even going to speak to him? Pete, he can’t just have this massive change in his life, he won’t cope, you know he won’t!’ The panic was starting to seep in now. He was actually going.
‘He’ll be fine.’
‘No, he won’t!’ she shouted, slamming her hand on the table, the tears forming rapidly in her eyes, threatening to spill over and flood her cheeks.
‘Don’t shout, Nance,’ Pete said, his brow knitted together with concern.
‘Don’t go then,’ she whimpered, her eyes betraying her wishes for the tears to stay put.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said yet again and she was sure she heard a quiver in his voice. He had the decency to look ashamed as he picked up his phone and walked to the front door.
Nancy jumped up and followed him, reaching out for his arm and gripping it tight. ‘Please, don’t do this.’
He paused and turned to her, gazing into her eyes. She instantly felt the familiar warmth that was the love they had. It had been suppressed recently because of everything going on but this surge right now was enough to make her realise that she really didn’t want him to go. She loved him so much. ‘Please,’ she squeaked.
He took her cheek in his hand and rubbed his thumb down it, wiping the moisture. ‘I have to do this,’ he whispered, and before she had a chance to reply, he turned and walked out the door, closing it behind him.
Nancy turned and leaned against the wooden frame, sliding down until her bottom reached the floor. It was only then that she let the tears flow without any restrictions.
He was gone – and she truly believed that he would never come back.
Chapter 1
Twelve months later…
‘Grab your passport, we’re going on holiday!’
Nancy watched Harriet stroll into her house, and waltz straight into the kitchen, flicking the kettle on. She closed the door, a confused frown creeping across her face, and followed her friend.
‘I’m sorry, what?’ she said, sitting down on the breakfast bar stool and allowing her friend free rein to make the coffee as she always did. Harriet classed Nancy’s house as her own and seemed to feel completely at ease whenever she was there. They had been friends for so long, they were more like sisters.
‘You and Jack, me, Isla and Tommy – we’re going on holiday.’ Harriet rubbed her hands together and set about searching for some more coffee as the pot was empty. Her shoulder-length light brown hair was always immaculate, styled straight with subtle blonde streaks throughout and hardly ever up in the mum bun that Nancy regularly sported.
‘In the top left,’ Nancy pointed, guiding Harriet to the correct cupboard. ‘I’m sorry but I just don’t understand. Where are we going? How long for? When?’ Nancy laughed as the situation started to settle in her mind.
Harriet plonked the coffee granules jar on the side and walked over to where Nancy was sitting. Leaning on her forearms, she exhaled. ‘I know this sounds a bit crazy and last minute and totally not like me…’
‘You can say that again.’
‘…but you need a holiday and I could do with a break and I’ve found this lovely hotel in Ibiza which is perfect for us and they have a kids’ club and loads of restaurants and cocktail bars…’ Harriet nudged Nancy at the mention of cocktails as if that would sway her, but actually, it was the mention of the kids’ club that turned her stomach. Jack would never go to a kids’ club, not in a million years.
‘I don’t know…’
‘Wait, I’ve not even told you the best bit. You don’t have to pay for a penny.’ Nancy looked confused. ‘It’s on me. All of it. Just please say you’ll come?’
‘So let me get this straight.’ Harriet stood back to listen to Nancy. ‘You – Mrs Work-a-holic – have decided to take us all on an impromptu holiday to Ibiza. You are paying for the whole thing and all I have to do is pack our bags and leave?’
‘Got it in one, babe.’ Harriet winked and resumed her stance back at the worktop to make the coffees, her long legs straddling the washing basket positioned in front of the machine where it pretty much stayed constantly.
‘What about work?’ Nancy felt uneasy – this was totally out of character for her friend.
‘They can cope without me.’ Harriet brushed off the comment but then paused and turned to look at Nancy as she placed down the coffee, raising her eyebrows. ‘What?’
‘They can cope without me,’ she mimicked. ‘Come on, Hari, I have known you for about twenty-two years and that crappy line is not going to cut it with me.’ She raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms.
‘Babe, I don’t care if you believe me or not, fact is, I’m offering you a holiday – do you want it or not?’
‘I don’t know. It’s a bit short notice and I can’t just uproot Jack like that. He needs warnings and notice and…’ she noticed Harriet’s raised eyebrow. ‘What?’
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