‘You’re making excuses.’
‘I’m not! You know what Jack is like.’
‘Nance, you need this.’
‘Why? I’m fine.’ Harriet made a pfft noise. ‘What?’
‘You are not fine. Don’t think I don’t know what today is.’ Nancy didn’t think she’d remember. Why would she? After all, it was Nancy’s husband that had walked out on her exactly a year ago, not Harriet’s. That was a whole other story.
‘I am fine,’ she insisted, blowing her coffee after she had tried sipping it and burnt her top lip. She licked away the smarting on her lip and placed the cup back down.
‘Well, that may be the case, but I think you deserve a holiday after the year you’ve had, and Jack will be fine. We will get through this and he will have a great time. I promise.’
‘You can’t make that promise, Hari.’
‘I can and I will.’ She poked her tongue out, slid the biscuit jar across the counter and spun the lid off, fingering her way to the bottom to reach the bourbon.
‘Hari, be serious for a second though. Think about it, you know Jack; he’s not the easiest child to spring surprises on. I don’t know how he will cope with this – it’s not just a small change in routine.’
‘Babe, I get that. But you need to start thinking of yourself too. You need some down time. This last year has been—’ she paused, to think of the right word ‘—challenging for you – in more ways than one. I have spent the last twelve months watching my best friend slowly lose the plot—’
‘Thanks,’ Nancy laughed, although the comment did sting a bit.
‘Am I wrong?’
‘I thought I was doing a pretty good job of holding it together to be honest.’
‘Hon, you have done a great job. Don’t take it the wrong way. What I mean is that you’ve had a lot on your plate and it has been a bloody hard year. I just wanted to mark this one-year milestone with something positive and exciting.’ She smiled. ‘I want this date to have positive connotations, that’s all.’
Nancy felt her chest constrict with emotion. Harriet did remember, and that small token of friendship and kindness was exactly why Nancy had been drawn to Harriet all those years ago when they’d been ten years old and Nancy had just moved to the area. Her first day at a new school had been so incredibly daunting, and then Harriet had walked up to Nancy and said: ‘Come and sit next to me, I need a partner for science week and if you are mine then I won’t get put with Jenny. I only have one rule; you have to work hard because I’m not sacrificing my mark again this year…’ And they had stayed best friends ever since.
Harriet’s work ethic had only increased the older she’d got – thankfully Nancy didn’t have to work with her on a regular basis, otherwise their friendship might have been tested.
‘I won’t take no for an answer,’ Harriet pressed. ‘If you’re thinking of turning this offer down and spending the next year wallowing then I’m sorry but we can no longer be friends.’ She shrugged and cupped both hands around her mug again.
Nancy laughed. One of the things that made her love Harriet was her directness. She always knew where she stood with her. ‘OK, I’m not buying the stories that are coming out of your mouth but equally, I agree a holiday will be good for us all, so why not? How long have I got?’
‘We leave the day after tomorrow.’
Nancy choked on her mouthful of coffee and placed the cup back down. ‘Are you serious?’
‘100 per cent, why hang around when there’s sun, sea and cocktails to be had?’
‘You realise we have children, this isn’t a piss up holiday.’
‘I know that – but I have chosen a hotel in a really family friendly part. And there is the kids’ club so we just pop them in there and get cocktail time too! Best of both worlds.’
‘Sounding like mother of the year over there, Hari.’ Harriet poked out her tongue and sipped her coffee. ‘But I will pay my share – you can’t pay for everything.’
‘Babe, with all due respect, can you afford this holiday?’
‘Well, I can shift some things around and … um…’
Harriet held up her hand and stopped Nancy. ‘That wasn’t a dig, but honey, you are a single parent who works minimal hours and I know you don’t have expendable money to just swan off on holiday at the drop of a hat. Which is why I’ve sorted it. And before you say anything, I don’t want any money for it – call it an early birthday present, or maybe your Christmas present for the next ten years.’ She laughed and pulled her phone out of her bag as it pinged an incoming email.
‘I can pay you back in instalments. Hari, I can’t just have you pay for a holiday – you’re not my mum.’ The feeling of her doing that didn’t sit right for Nancy.
‘No, but I am your friend and I can afford this. Let me do this for you.’
Nancy exhaled. ‘How can you afford it though? I know you have a good job, but this isn’t just a weekend in a caravan.’
‘You know that contract I was working on since like forever? Well, it came through so I gave myself a little bonus. Figured I would take this moment to take a little break away because I have a new tender going through and if we get this, I am going to be flat out at work for the next eighteen months. So, it’s now or never.’
Nancy couldn’t argue with that. ‘Fine, but I’m paying for the taxi to the airport and any drinks or food we have at the airport.’
‘Deal. Mine’s a prosecco and a sushi meal.’
Nancy laughed. ‘I don’t know how you run your own business with two kids. I feel like half the time I can’t even get the washing and housework done on time, let alone put together contracts and marketing portfolios and all the other zillion things you do.’
‘You could totally do it, stop putting yourself down.’ Harriet dipped into the jar for another biscuit.
‘I actually don’t think I could. I don’t have the businesswoman persona that you have. I would crumble under the pressure.’
‘Oh shush! Although I would get more done if I didn’t have a child who was as stubborn as hell.’
‘I wonder where she gets that from,’ Nancy said under her breath with a smile.
‘What’s that?’ Harriet questioned, clearly having heard exactly what Nancy had said.
‘I said, are the kids OK?’ She poked out her tongue.
‘Yeah I’m sure you did. They’re fine. How’s Jack doing?’
Nancy’s stomach dropped a little. ‘He’s doing alright, could be better.’
‘School?’
Nancy nodded. ‘He’s just not fitting in. I can’t help but worry that this school isn’t right for him. It breaks my heart every morning when I take him in and he cries because he doesn’t want to be there. I walked past at playtime the other day and he was playing by himself.’
‘Did you ask him about it?’
‘Yeah, he said he likes to be by himself.’
‘Well there you go – as long as he’s not sad about it.’
Nancy exhaled. ‘That’s the thing though; he doesn’t really get the emotions so I’m worried that he doesn’t understand how he’s feeling.’
‘But if he doesn’t feel sad, and he’s OK, surely that’s all you want?’
Nancy nodded. ‘I guess so. He’s apparently not the same in the classroom though, seems to be constantly agitated and emotional, the teacher tells me. I’m going to go in again after the holidays and ask for an update meeting – they need to reassess his plan and see what needs changing. It can’t stay like this.’
‘Chin up, things will be OK. And now you have a holiday to look forward to.’
The doorbell rang and as Nancy stood, she said, ‘I won’t have the chance to look forward to it; it’s the day after tomorrow!’
‘Look, we have to go now because the kids only get two weeks off for Easter so we need to make the most of it.’
Nancy walked to the front door laughing. A holiday seemed like just what she needed right now. Maybe it would be the perf
ect antidote for her stress? At least she was eating properly again and sleeping a little better. She opened the door half expecting the postman to be there, but instead got the shock of her life.
‘Hi Nance, can we talk?’
Chapter 2
Nancy stared back at Pete, frozen to the spot half in surprise and half in frustration that he had chosen this moment to turn up on her doorstep when she’d been trying to get him to come and see Jack for the past year.
‘What do you want, Pete?’
‘Aren’t you going to invite me in?’ He brushed his hand through his dark brown hair, which had grown longer over the past year than she had ever seen it, and leaned on the doorframe, seemingly trying to look more relaxed than he was feeling.
‘Can’t say that I particularly want to,’ she said, but then caught sight of her neighbour in her front garden pretending to be doing some weeding when really she was ear wigging. ‘You’ve got ten minutes.’
The atmosphere between the two of them was tense and things only worsened when Pete walked into the kitchen and was faced with Harriet.
‘What in God’s name are you doing here?’ she scowled, putting her hands onto her hips and frowning at him.
‘Nice to see you too, Harriet.’ Pete forced a strained smile across his face.
‘I didn’t say it was nice to see you. In fact, I feel quite the opposite.’
‘Hari, it’s fine.’ Nancy manoeuvred around her friend and placed a brief hand onto her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze as she grabbed her cup off the side.
‘It’s bloody well not fine. He thinks he can just walk out on you and Jack and disappear for months on end, ignoring your calls and then swan up on your doorstep like nothing’s happened? I don’t bloody think so.’ She glared at him.
‘Last time I checked, this wasn’t your house or your business, Harriet!’
Harriet marched towards Pete at speed and Nancy quickly put her mug down and stepped into Harriet’s path just as she reached him. ‘And last time I checked, Pete,’ she spat his name viciously, ‘you don’t just abandon your wife and your child the second shit gets hard in life.’
‘OK, OK, enough you two.’ Nancy placed her hand onto Harriet’s shoulder. ‘Let me talk to him and see what the deal is. I’ll call you later and we can talk about the holiday, OK?’
‘Nance, don’t let him wheedle his way—’
‘Hari, I’m fine … honestly.’
Harriet glared at Pete before grabbing her bag and walking out of the kitchen towards the front door.
‘And as for you,’ Nancy pointed at Pete, her expression dropping into a serious tone, ‘don’t you dare think for one second that it is OK to walk into my house and be rude to my friends.’
‘Nancy, this was our house.’
‘Exactly, Pete, this was our house – and then you left.’
They both stood for a second staring at each other and then as her words sank in, Pete admitted defeat and nodded.
Ten minutes later, Nancy had made Pete a coffee and refreshed her own mug and the pair were seated at the table clasping their mugs, neither one making moves to speak. Eventually, Nancy said, ‘So are you going to tell me why you’ve suddenly turned up here after a year of silence or am I supposed to just ignore that part?’ Her anxious heartbeat had still not recovered from the moment she’d opened the door to him.
He exhaled but didn’t shift his glance from the mug of brown liquid in front of him. ‘It’s complicated.’
‘Too damn right, it’s complicated, Pete, because I’m struggling to understand why you would leave us. I tried my best to make everything work, even when things got really tough with Jack but clearly it wasn’t good enough – maybe I wasn’t good enough.’ She looked down at her hands as she spoke, saying the words that she had been thinking for months now.
This time he looked up, sadness etched on his face. ‘Nancy, no! It wasn’t you – you were the best wife.’
‘I can’t have been that good otherwise you wouldn’t have left. No matter how hard life gets, when you have someone you love by your side, you get through it. But you just left. I obviously didn’t do a very good job at being a supportive wife.’
This time he didn’t respond, instead choosing to drop his gaze back down into the mug. Nancy didn’t probe any further because she didn’t want to hear that she was right – even though she knew she was. After a minute, he spoke again. It was barely audible but was still loud enough for Nancy to hear perfectly. ‘It was too hard.’
‘Life is hard.’ She felt her exterior harden slightly. The ‘it’s hard’ line wasn’t going to wash with her. She was too far into protection mode now, especially as she’d had to deal with the last year on her own.
‘It’s easy for you.’
‘How is it easy for me? He’s my son too, I feel how hard it is too, you know!’
‘Yes but you know how to deal with him – with it.’
‘You’re talking about him like he has a disease – he’s not sick, he’s autistic!’ Rage was beginning to boil in her chest. She was sick to death of people treating Jack like there was something wrong with him, like he didn’t belong on this planet and should be hidden away.
Pete flinched noticeably when Nancy said autistic and this made her even angrier.
‘What is it you’re even here for Pete? Because it clearly isn’t to apologise.’
‘I am sorry, of course I am. Do you really think that I wanted to leave? That under normal circumstances I would have chosen to leave my wife and son?’
‘So, why did you?? What was so bad that you felt the only way to deal with this was to leave? That you didn’t have any other option in this whole world other than to walk out and leave your son without his daddy and your wife without her husband?’
His head was facing the table in shame but his feeling sorry for himself stance only fuelled her anger. ‘I had to deal with months and months of him asking me where his daddy was. Do you know what that was like? Do you even have the capacity to understand how heartbreakingly painful it was to watch him have meltdown after meltdown because Mummy couldn’t tell him where Daddy was?’ He was still looking at the table. ‘I have had to not only be Mummy, but Daddy too. I am trying to work to support us because you weren’t answering my calls. But then when Jack has a bad day at school and I have to go and pick him up, I can’t work. But do I have that choice? No! And when Jack has a bad night and won’t sleep – because he still doesn’t sleep, you know, in case you’re wondering – I still have to work having had an hour’s sleep and having been punched and slapped and kicked all over because he is anxious but can’t tell me why.’
Pete shook his head in despair.
‘Or when I have to have a cereal bar for dinner because there’s only enough pasta for Jack but a trip to the shop is out of the question because I haven’t pre-warned him and the sudden change in routine would warrant another meltdown. Do you know how hard it is to be a single parent, let alone a single parent to a child who is struggling like Jack?’ She waited, watching his pathetic response as he shrugged. ‘DO YOU?’ His head snapped up in surprise.
‘Sweetheart, come on, don’t shout.’
‘What did you expect, Pete? That I would open the door and see your face and be happy to see you? That I would welcome you back with open arms and tell you how much I’ve missed you and how happy I am that you’re back in our lives – not to worry about the last year? Is that what you thought would happen?’ she pressed.
‘Well no, but…’ he trailed off, obviously seeing his error in judgement.
‘Pete, you walked out on your family when times got tough. I needed you and you weren’t there.’ Her voice was gentler but the tone still firm.
‘You don’t know what it was like for me. You completely understood everything the doctor was saying and seemed to know what you were doing.’
‘Are you kidding me?’ she exhaled in disbelief. ‘I didn’t have a clue what was going on! I don’t think anybody
ever does when they get an autistic diagnosis. I had the same thoughts and questions going round in my mind as you did.’
‘But you were nodding and smiling and sounded like you knew exactly what the doctor was saying to you – you were asking questions about what to do around the house and how we could make life easier for him and—’
‘So because I opened my mouth and asked the questions that were inside my head instead of shutting off and refusing to acknowledge that our son needed help, I’m now a pro at it all?’
‘Well no, but it sounded like you were fine with it.’
‘We had no choice but to be fine with it – he’s our son no matter what. You should’ve felt the same.’ Her voice trailed off as unexpected emotion caught the back of her throat.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘It was just too hard.’
‘So, you’re just giving up on him?’ She asked the question but wasn’t sure she was ready for the answer.
‘I’m here, aren’t I?’
‘So this is you trying, is it?’
He nodded and then sipped his coffee.
‘Well, I suppose late is better than never.’ He seemed to perk up. ‘But don’t think you can just swan back in here like nothing happened. It took Jack a long time to change his routine; he’s used to you not being here now. I’m not even sure he will be OK with seeing you.’
‘What do you mean, “OK with seeing me” – I’m his dad!’
‘His dad who left him!’
‘Fine,’ he conceded, realising he didn’t have a leg to stand on.
‘We’ll have to come to an arrangement, sort out a plan as to how we’re going to reintroduce you into his everyday life.’ As much as she hated him for leaving, Nancy couldn’t ignore the fact that this was potentially the moment that Jack got his dad back. No matter how much she might be angry at Pete, she wouldn’t be the one to stop Jack seeing his dad.
‘OK,’ he grunted, acting like a teenager who had just been told they could have twenty quid if they washed the car first.
‘But we can’t do anything right now; we can sort it out once we get back from our holiday.’
Mums Just Wanna Have Fun Page 2