Mums Just Wanna Have Fun

by Lucie Wheeler

  Nancy put her hand up. ‘I’ll play if the other adults do.’

  Cameron looked round to his sister and her husband who nodded. Nancy then looked at Harriet who shrugged and then Jayne and her husband who seemed more excited than the children.

  ‘Great, OK, I’ll start because it was my idea and I am brilliant.’ Cameron poked his tongue out at Aiden who was pulling faces at him. ‘Everyone gather round and hold on.’

  They all did as they were told and as Nancy got as close to Cameron as she could without it being obvious. She reached out and grabbed onto one of his fingers. As her skin touched his, she caught him glancing at her. His eyes looked particularly blue this evening and she felt the connection sizzle as they caught each other’s eyes for a second. He then snapped his head back into the game, averting his gaze to the rest of the group. He was so focused and raring to go, his stance was crouched and sturdy.

  ‘Is someone taking this game a little too seriously?’ she joked, and he just smiled and winked at her. She tried her hardest not to react to the wink, but every inch of her skin tingled with excitement. That one quick motion had an incredible effect on her insides.

  ‘I went to the shop and I bought some sticky … sticky … PANCAKES!’

  The children rippled as they went to run but stopped themselves. A giggle erupted around the circle like a Mexican wave.

  ‘Well done, you’re all paying attention. OK … I went to the shop and I bought some sticky … sticky … GLADRAGS!’

  More squealing and laughter as some of the children began to run at the sound of ‘Gl-’ … but then realised and quickly darted back to Cameron’s hand.

  ‘Ooh, I very nearly lost some of you then!’ And then in super quick speed he quickly shouted – I WENT TO THE SHOP AND BOUGHT SOME STICKY STICKY GLUE!’

  Everyone screamed and darted off into different directions and even Nancy found herself screaming as she ran. She nipped in and around the stools and tables which had been laid out on the beach front and as she did, she gripped Jack’s hand so that he stayed with her. He wouldn’t normally have played, but she’d promised to keep hold of his hand the whole time and he’d agreed reluctantly. It felt amazing just letting go and being free. No thinking about dinner, no thinking about school and the issues there, no worrying about how she was going to make ends meet … just pure indulgence in being free and enjoying herself. At home she spent all her time worrying. She couldn’t remember the last time she had let herself go and laughed like this. As a result, Jack seemed more relaxed too. Maybe if she relaxed more often it would continue to have a positive effect on Jack? She kept telling Harriet that Tommy was feeding off her stress, but she never thought about it with her own son.

  ‘Quick Jack, in here.’ She pointed to an opening between two trees and they scuttled inside. From this vantage point, they could see Cameron and the others running around on the sand. Nancy glanced over to Jack and saw him watching the others with interest, his blond hair messily over his eyes where he had been running and his little hands still squeezing hers tight, even though they were standing still. When she looked at his little face, all bright-eyed and taking the world in, she felt a glimmer of hope that things might just work out OK. It was moments like this where she felt the pressures of normal life lift, she appreciated that she actually had this amazing little person in her life.

  ‘Are you enjoying yourself, Jack?’

  ‘Uh-huh,’ he replied, not taking his eyes off the beach front.

  ‘What about the holiday, do you like the hotel we are in?’ She desperately wanted a more solid conversation with him. She had been spoilt on this holiday with a few special conversations with him. But the more she got, the hungrier she felt. She just wanted to chat with him all the time.

  ‘The hotel is good – I like the balconies.’

  ‘Because they go really high?’

  ‘No, because I like the shapes of them and there are lots so I can count. Did you know there are 418 balconies at this hotel?’ His eyes were wide with wonder.

  Nancy lifted her eyebrows. ‘Really?’

  ‘Uh-huh.’

  ‘That’s a really interesting fact, Jack.’ She was so proud of him. He might not be the most popular little boy and he might not enjoy swimming or dancing, but he had other talents and was so incredibly special to her. Maybe she needed to do what she’d told Harriet to do and stop comparing her life to others and start actually seeing it for what it was. Start practising what she preached to her friend!

  ‘I don’t like Mr Winters.’

  Nancy had briefly looked back to where Cameron and the others were but when Jack said this she turned her attention round to focus on him. ‘Mr Winters from school?’ He nodded. ‘Why don’t you like Mr Winters?’

  ‘He shouts.’

  ‘At you?’

  ‘Sometimes. Sometimes at other people. I don’t like the noise. It hurts my ears.’

  ‘Well, we are going to talk to your teachers when we get back from holiday so I will ask them not to shout around you.’

  Jack nodded and then pointed. Nancy peered over her shoulder to where he was pointing to and was faced by a smiling Cameron. ‘There you two are – we’ve been looking for you!’

  ‘We are clearly too good for this game,’ Nancy said, climbing out of the little cubby area they had shimmied into.

  ‘Well Harriet was the first one caught so now she’s in the centre.’

  They walked back to the beachfront to start the next round.

  After a few rounds of sticky glue, the game began to fizzle out which Nancy was a little relieved at because she was not as fit as she would maybe like to make out. She smiled at Harriet who was making her way towards her with two more cocktails in her hands and Jayne walking by her side. The pair seemed to be chatting and getting along nicely which made Nancy feel warm inside. There was no quick fix for the way her friend was feeling right now but surrounding herself with positive, nice people was definitely a good start.

  ‘We have decided that tonight we want to try at least four different types of cocktail from the menu.’ Harriet smiled, and it was the most genuine smile she had given the whole time they were there.

  ‘Four?’ Nancy replied. ‘Depends what they are – I don’t want to be sloshed. Poor Jack will have to carry me back.’

  ‘Well, let’s start with this one and see how we go. Jayne said this is one she’s had a few times and it always comes out nice. It’s called an Americano.’

  ‘I thought that was a type of coffee?’

  ‘Well, there ain’t no coffee in this, my love. What did you say was in this Jayne?’ Harriet peered over her shoulder at Jayne who was approaching them; a pink flower perched in her hair matching the dress she was wearing this evening.

  ‘Campari, vermouth and soda water.’

  The girls all took a swig at the same time with varying responses. Jayne liked it, Harriet pulled a confused, unsure face and Nancy grimaced. ‘No, this one is not for me!’

  ‘Nancy? Could I have a word?’

  She turned and smiled at Cameron who was holding two drinks and had gained a flower garland which was now placed around his neck, drawing her attention even more so to his unbuttoned top. ‘Of course, is everything OK?’

  He led her away from the girls and towards a canopied area where he sat down and urged her to do the same. ‘Yeah everything’s fine; I just wanted to give you something.’ He slid the cocktail across the table. ‘It isn’t this, by the way, I just thought I would get you a drink too.’

  She eyed the two tone liquid, the yellowy-orange at the top bleeding into the deep pink at the bottom. It was topped with a glacé cherry and a slice of orange. ‘What is it?’

  ‘A tequila sunrise – I have developed a little bit of a soft spot for these since arriving. Best to consume in small quantities.’ He laughed, his smile lighting up his whole face.

  ‘I’m not sure tequila is the right way to go for me.’ She sniffed the glass.

  ‘Don’t
sniff it, you wally, just try it.’ He laughed again, but his face was full of compassion. She sipped the liquid; it was sweet but actually OK. She nodded as she swallowed it, going in for another sip. ‘See? I told you. Never judge a book by its cover.’

  ‘Or a cocktail by its smell?’

  He laughed. ‘Exactly. And the same goes for people too, hey?’

  Nancy tilted her head as she pulled a confused face. ‘What do you mean?’

  Cameron shuffled in his seat to face her more. ‘Well, it’s the same with people. We’re always quick to judge a person on what we see on the outside. Their disabilities, their hair colour, the clothes they wear, what they do for a job … but none of these things tell us what that person is going through inside here.’ He tapped his brain. ‘Too often, people only see what’s happening on the outside but we don’t realise the struggle people have inside.’

  Nancy instantly thought of Jack and then of Harriet. And actually, herself too.

  ‘People are fighting battles that we can’t see. So sometimes, we have to look deeper to find out ways to make these people’s lives better. Does that make sense?’ Nancy nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Cameron had hit the nail on the head and she realised now that actually, this was probably why she had been struggling so much. She had spent so long thinking about what Jack wasn’t doing or achieving, why he wasn’t fitting in, why he had meltdowns and what people were thinking, she hadn’t spent much time trying to get to know the reasons behind all of this. What was going on inside his head? Maybe if she understood him more she would be more successful in achieving some sort of progress with him.

  ‘I have something for you that I think – I hope – will explain what I mean a bit better.’

  ‘O … K … sounds interesting.’ She smiled nervously.

  ‘There’s no need to be worried – I’m not going to give you a human head or anything.’ He laughed and pulled out what looked like a booklet.

  ‘What›s this?’ she asked.

  He slid the booklet along the bench and Nancy looked at the front which had a hand-drawn picture of two people – a man and a boy – and said ‘Cameron and Aiden’ on it. Nancy looked up at him for explanation.

  ‘Aiden has made a booklet for Jack – it’s all about us, our favourite colours, what our favourite foods are, how old we are and where we live. It has the things we are scared of and what we want to be when we grow up – or in my case, what my job is.’ He smiled.

  ‘Well, this is … um … lovely. But I don’t understand…’

  ‘You said Jack gets anxious talking to new people because he doesn’t know them.’ Cameron opened the booklet. ‘Maybe he can get to know us a little better – it might help.’

  Nancy felt her mouth drop open a little with shock. She couldn’t believe that he had done this – it was so thoughtful. She didn’t even think he’d remember a little comment like that. They’d just been chatting, and it had been a throwaway comment.

  ‘I … I don’t know what to say.’ She smiled. ‘It’s such a thoughtful thing to do.’ And she felt her eyes suddenly fill with tears.

  ‘You don’t have to say anything.’ He paused. ‘Hey, what’s wrong? I’m sorry, have I overstepped the mark?’ He reached out his hand and placed it onto her shoulder.

  Nancy wiped the tears from her cheek and laughed. ‘I’m sorry; I’m just feeling a bit emotional.’

  ‘Should I have not done this? I just thought it was a way of making Jack feel a little bit more comfortable with us.’ He squeezed her shoulder gently. ‘Nancy, I like spending time with you and Jack, but I don’t want him to feel stressed or pressured into talking to Aiden. I just thought this way he could have a heads up and it might make the conversation a little easier to try next time.’

  Nancy couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face. She briefly opened up the booklet and scanned the pages. There were drawings scattered about on each of the pages where Aiden had drawn illustrations to support the information given. Pictures of him swimming, his favourite books, spiders and superheroes – Aiden had been so creative. It was such an innovative way to attack the problem of Jack not knowing them and Nancy really started to battle with how she felt. Part of her was so grateful that she had met Cameron and that he was trying to help make Jack’s life a little easier. He made her think about how she focused on the outward problems associated with his autism rather than tackling the emotional side. He made her realise that not everyone was out to judge her and how she dealt with Jack’s meltdowns. And he made her realise that there were nice guys out there and that not everyone was as selfish as Pete.

  But he also made her realise that she was falling for someone she couldn’t have. Because regardless of how comfortable Cameron and Aiden made Jack feel, she had promised Jack it would be just the two of them and she wasn’t going to go back on her word. She just needed to work out how she was going to manage this newfound friendship with Cameron without it leading to where her mind so desperately wanted it to go. She looked at him and smiled. ‘Thank you’, she squeaked, sniffing back the tears.

  ‘It might not work – but anything is worth a shot, right?’ She nodded. ‘Just take it and try it. See what happens. You never know – he might just like it.’

  Chapter 27

  Harriet glanced around at the people at the beach party. There was a real mix of families, friends, those that had children, those that didn’t, and she watched the groups of people as they laughed and joked together. She thought back to how her life was back home – regimented, hectic, manic, frantic … she was spinning so many plates just managing to keep them up, but she wasn’t living. She wasn’t enjoying her life.

  ‘Penny for them?’

  Harriet turned to face Jayne who had returned with some more cocktails.

  ‘Oh nothing, just enjoying the party.’ She took the glass and sipped it. ‘Oh, nice. Raspberry?’

  Jayne nodded. ‘This one is called a Raspberry Ripple and it has raspberry and vanilla vodka in it. The barman reckons it’s a good one and I have to say, I agree.’

  ‘Me too,’ Harriet replied and clinked her glass with Jayne’s. ‘These are such a good idea – little taster glasses.’

  ‘I know, they’re designed so you can taste lots of different types of cocktails without getting absolutely smashed. I think they created them with parents in mind!’ Jayne laughed, sipping her drink and raising her eyebrows. ‘We can indulge in cocktails and still be responsible adults.’

  They both stood in silence for a few minutes, watching the people dancing and shouting joyfully, when suddenly Jayne said, ‘Tell me if I’m overstepping the mark here … but, you seem a little stressed. Is everything OK?’

  Harriet looked at her and hesitated. She wasn’t OK, but equally she didn’t really know Jayne enough to spill her problems. She settled on smiling and saying, ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Look, I know it probably seems weird that a stranger is saying this to you, but I went through a really tough time in the past – I mean, really tough – and when I came through it I vowed to always be there to help others. And, I don’t know, I guess I just see a bit of myself in you and I had a feeling that you needed a friend.’ She laughed. ‘Again, I’m sounding weird saying that I had a feeling, but I did. I can’t explain it, but I just feel like you need a bit of support in your life right now.’

  She stopped talking and Harriet stayed quiet. Because actually, Jayne had nailed it on the head, hadn’t she? Harriet was in need of some support right now and yes, she was falling apart, but could she really open up to some stranger she’d met on holiday? The whole idea of it was so completely alien to her it made her feel very uneasy.

  Jayne continued. ‘I was depressed.’

  Harriet turned to face her, giving her the respect of her full attention. The hordes of people around them were still laughing and joking but between them it was like they were in a bubble, a bubble of connection, and it felt strange because Harriet didn’t do meaningful talks with g
irlfriends – and she was equal measures intrigued and uncomfortable.

  ‘And don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean a little bit sad, I mean I was on the verge of ending things. It had got that bad, I couldn’t see the light.’

  ‘Shit,’ Harriet whispered under her breath.

  Jayne nodded. ‘I know. Right now, because I am in such a good place, it’s hard for me to remember ever being that low. But I was. And do you know where it came from?’

  Harriet shook her head.

  ‘Pregnancy.’

  Harriet choked on her drink.

  ‘I really wanted children – like desperately wanted them. We tried for so long and it didn’t happen for us. Then, after five years of trying and zillions of tests, it just happened. Just like that. I was over the moon – we both were. I was one of those pregnant ladies who was into everything and I was doing all the classes and reading all the books and searching all the internet columns.’ She smiled and shook her head, ‘I went a bit nuts about it because we had wanted it for so long.’ She sipped her drink and pushed her auburn hair over one shoulder. ‘But then one day, everything sort of changed. I was reading these books and I started to panic that actually, maybe I couldn’t do this. Being a parent sounded really hard work and what if I wasn’t up to the job? What if it was fate telling me I shouldn’t have children and that’s why I wasn’t falling pregnant but I’d just badgered my body into doing it.’

  ‘That’s crazy.’

  ‘I know, but that’s what I mean, I did go crazy. Everything I read, I started to think I was incapable of doing. Everywhere I went I saw parents with their children and I was thinking to myself, what kind of mother was I going to be – because I didn’t feel like I fit into any of the normal categories of mum. But, I kept it quiet and just got through the pregnancy – putting it down to nerves.’