Toy watched her approach with a wary expression. But Aly just said hello and they kissed awkwardly on the cheek. The familiar scent and feel of her filled Aly with memories and she felt a bittersweet twinge. “How are you?” she asked.
“I’m okay,” she shrugged. Aly wanted to know if she was working a 12-step program, but it was none of her business. “How about you?”
“I’m really well.”
“I like your hair.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m sorry about the email.” Aly figured she had it planned to get that off her chest as soon as possible. But it was a sign she probably was working a program. “I got scared when I couldn’t reach you. And I was worried about you. I knew Gemma was moving.”
“I landed well. Everything is good.” Then she told Toy, out of courtesy, that she was with a date, her first since, well, them. Her barely concealed surprise told her all she needed to know. She had been dating. For how long? Aly felt a stab of irritation because Toy, who had wronged her, had gone on first. She’ll probably be the first to remarry and have kids, too, she thought bitterly. But she was also relieved, because for the first year after their divorce Toy had wanted her back and she genuinely did not want her hanging on.
“I hear you’re working for the Ice Queen."
Aly flinched. “Erika’s not what we thought. She’s…” Everything, she thought. But she said, “…been very good to me.” She quickly changed the topic. “How about you? How’s school? Are you coaching?”
“It’s all good. We’re winning. We have a chance this year.”
“Good. Good luck,” Aly moved off. “I have to get back…” And she indicated the general direction of Kylie.
So that’s that, she thought as she walked away. Six years together, five of them married, and it comes down to an awkward meeting at a party as though none of that ever happened.
She looked up and Erika was ten feet away, against a stone wall outside the dining room, watching her, her beautiful gold hazel eyes concerned. She stopped. It was almost more than she could take. Erika gave a questioning look and she nodded to let her know that everything was okay. She nodded in return to indicate message received and turned toward a very tall, lean, striking African-American woman with a salt and pepper afro halo. Aly realized the woman had been standing behind Erika when she first saw Erika across the room. Was she with Erika?
Too much, too much. The past and a new, unexpected present were colliding. Aly turned away from Toy, away from Erika, and went down the soft grass to the low stone wall. She sat and looked over the darkened golf course to the lit houses beyond, absorbing the blows of a thousand conflicting feelings.
24
After a while she went to look for Kylie. In her wanderings she saw Erika sitting with the tall woman on a couch in the living room, absorbed in conversation. They looked very interested in each other. She turned away and continued her search, eventually finding Anita. “Have you seen Kylie?”
“Not recently,” Anita took her arm. “I’m sorry I got pulled away when you were with Toy. Was she well behaved?”
“Yes, it was fine. I sensed she’s moving on.”
“You want that for her, don’t you?”
“Of course.”
Anita shook her arm and said eagerly, “And I want that for you. So tell me how you met Kylie.”
She told her, and Anita loved the meet-cute and asked for more. She gave her what she had.
“Honey, it’s a nice start.”
“Yes, that is the word.”
“So tell me about this woman with Erika,” she said, looking in their direction. “It looks, well, like there’s something there.”
Aly did not turn to look. “So she did come with her.”
“Yes. You didn’t know?”
“No.” And then Aly put together Erika’s distraction the night before and all day and her guilt over Whitney. It was because she had a date, too.
“You live with her. Don’t you talk?”
“Apparently not.” She gave a little laugh to make light of it, though she felt anything but light.
“All I know is she’s a pathologist and Julio has been trying to get them together for a while.”
“You have all that information, so why would you ask me?”
“I figured you’d have more!” Anita laughed.
Aly changed the topic to Cass and Toni and they spoke approvingly about them for a moment before Anita had to move on to other guests. Aly eventually found Kylie at the weed bar. If it was just herself she’d leave, but Kylie was having a good, and now very mellow, time. She sat with her and the other smokers for a while, her mind as numb as theirs, but for a different reason.
When she became concerned she’d get a contact high in the weed room she left and got a very pliable Kylie to follow. How many margaritas did she have? Aly had not been keeping count, but she knew at least two. And who knew what she smoked?
She was emotionally overloaded and did not want any more Erika sightings. Each had brought its own pain. She needed time to think and wondered if Kylie was out of it enough to not mind leaving.
“I got the munchies,” Kylie said.
“Of course you do.” She led her to the dining room and the platters of diminishing food. Kylie’s eyes grew wide with the possibilities and she started filling a plate.
A warm hand in the middle of her upper back and the resulting flutter of her heart told Aly she was not done seeing Erika that night. Her sexy musky perfume hit just as she turned.
“Having a good time?” Erika asked.
Joy and pain clashed in Aly as she looked at her. She felt so much love when she looked at the beautiful, familiar, beloved face that a spontaneous commitment arose in her. I will do all I can to foster your happiness. And the happiness of your girls. She worried that the glow she felt would show on her face, so instead of answering she turned away to introduce Kylie.
Kylie said hello and turned her attention back to her plate. “She’s a little wasted,” Aly whispered to Erika.
“I am so wasted,” Kylie said, widening her eyes as though that would somehow clear her mind.
“What about you?” Erika asked, looking carefully at her eyes as Kylie moved off.
Aly let her look long enough to see that her pupils were normal and then looked away. “I had a glass of wine a couple of hours ago. I just reek because I was in the weed room with her. Are you having a good time?”
Erika beamed. “I am.” She really likes the pathologist. Aly felt sad for herself, but hopeful for Erika. She so deserves to be happy. “Julio called. As far as he can tell the dance went well. Just as you said, Whitney was quiet. But he thought it was a happy quiet.”
Aly smiled. “Good. We’ll get it out of her in time. Did he and Lu have a good time?”
“Oh, yes. They’re his princesses, you know.”
“Absolutely.”
Erika gave her arm a squeeze and started moving away. “See you later.”
“I think we’ll be leaving soon,” Aly said, motioning in Kylie’s last direction before she realized she couldn’t see her. “I will see you tomorrow.”
“Yup.”
She watched Erika go, lingering a moment in a cloud of her perfume. She gave herself a moment to let pass clashing spasms of love and regret. Then she went to find her wandering date.
“So that’s Erika. Wow,” she said when Aly found her on the patio dancing with no one in particular. “I’d like to work for that.”
Aly moaned inwardly. It was horrifying to think how she and Toy used to talk about Erika. They were so far off. They didn’t know her at all. From now on, no more judgements about people she didn’t know. Lesson learned.
Towing Kylie along, she found Cass and Anita and said goodnight. It was not yet midnight, but she had to get away and think. She let them think she was leaving because of Kylie. On her way out, she saw Erika in the living room absorbed again with the pathologist and made a point of not catching her eye to
wave goodnight.
Part III: Loving Erika
25
Twice on the way to Kylie’s Aly had to pull over for her to be sick. She had gorged herself on finger foods and some lucky pedestrians were going to find the consequences of this on sidewalks the next day.
At Bryn’s apartment, as quietly as she could, Aly helped Kylie clean up, went to retrieve her when it seemed she was going to pass out on the toilet, stripped her to her underwear, and put her to bed. Then she undressed and got into bed beside her. She did not want to go home. She was afraid Erika would not come home and that was more than she could bear. How long had she been seeing this woman?
She lay on her back thinking, her left hip against Kylie’s rear end. When had it happened? Because tonight she didn’t fall, but realized she had already fallen in love with Erika. Looking back, she could find no single moment when it happened. That moment of affection in line at Whole Foods was not the first time she felt love for her. It was just the first time she allowed herself to consciously feel it.
She saw how she had deceived herself with the distinction between thinking someone attractive and being attracted to her. Of course she was attracted to her. Her body told her so all the time. Yes, that was biology, but when you pair that with love you have “in love”. And she knew no one else but her father who was as worthy of being universally loved as Erika.
How had she held on to remnants of the Ice Queen when Erika was in no way cold or hard or a perfectionist? That image should have melted from the start. Aly remembered her interest and concern the day she bumped into her at the courthouse, when all of this was set in motion. Since then, she offered only words and gestures of true thoughtfulness and caring. She never raised her voice, was never harsh. If she teased it was gently and with affection, and it never went too far. When she was angry, which was only ever over some injustice, she grew tense, quiet, and grim, but she never lashed out. Sometimes she was irritated or exasperated with her girls, but never truly angry with them. Only once did she show exasperation toward Aly, and even then she caught herself and softened. Erika was not perfect, not even to Aly’s loving eyes. But what Aly loved about her was that she was quick to correct herself or to apologize when she thought she gave offense. She was willing to learn and to grow.
Who knew such a woman existed? She was everything she could want in a life partner. Not just not cold, but warm. She was affectionate and encouraging and -she felt she was safe in feeling this - her thoughtfulness and integrity made her wholly trustworthy.
Her heart soared as she lay there thinking about her. But how could she - drifting, unfocused Aly - ever deserve or inspire the interest of a woman of such intelligence and character? She had held on to the Ice Queen image of her as a defense against exactly what happened. She had fallen for a woman who was completely out of her reach.
Eventually, she dozed off and slept fitfully for a few hours. When she awakened it was to a new, more wonderful world. All she wanted was to see Erika again and just love her as best she could.
She looked over at Kylie, who was stirring a little herself. She was going to have to break it off with her. It was just a small affair for both of them. Kylie was no more serious about her than she was about Kylie. But right now, even though she would never have Erika, she didn’t want anyone else. It wasn’t fair to Kylie. She should give her the space in her life to be with someone who truly wanted her.
Now was not the time to break it off, however. She leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “I’m going,” she whispered. Kylie moaned. “You going to be okay?”
She gave a hoarse, “Yeah.”
“You have to be at work this afternoon. Did you set an alarm?”
“Yeah. My phone. Where’s my phone?”
As she dressed she found her phone on the dresser and left it by the bedside. She kissed her on the cheek again and left the bedroom. It was just after seven and no one else was up yet. After using the toilet, a brush, and some mouthwash in the bathroom, she quietly let herself out of the apartment.
When she got home Erika’s car was in the garage. She felt relieved, but then realized she didn’t know if she had driven. The house was still and dark. She could faintly smell her perfume. Was that from when she left or when she came back? The bagels were at the front door, so she retrieved them and looked down the hall when she came back in. Erika’s door was shut. She was home. But was she alone? Aly felt sick for a moment considering that possibly she wasn’t.
Although tired, she decided to run off some of her nervous energy and made herself a protein drink. She changed, left the house, and headed for the West Beltway Trail. It wasn’t much, more like an access road along the 215. But it was paved and meant for runners and walkers and bikers. She was free to get lost in thought without worrying about cars and driveways.
Over three months she had built herself up to running for forty five minutes most mornings, but today she was home in twenty five. The house was still quiet when she returned, but she felt better. She took a shower, finally washing off the smell of weed, made coffee, and toasted an everything-on-it bagel. After eating she started her laundry and put a movie on in her bedroom.
Around ten she was putting clean clothes away in her closet when she heard the toilet flush beyond her shower. There was a terrible intimacy between her bathroom and Erika's. The toilet space in Erika’s bathroom was behind her shower head. Her toilet and sink ran along Erika’s double sink. Erika’s tub, which she had never heard used, was just beyond her closet wall. Erika's shower, she knew, was on the other side of the tub. She knew if Erika was showering when she heard water running in the pipes. Sometimes she could make out music, or maybe the television, in the bedroom. Often, probably when Erika was putting on make-up, she could hear the murmur of her voice on the phone, or her voice mingling with the girls’ voices. When she knew Erika was in her bathroom, she would stay out of her own.
But that day, after the toilet flush, she stood in her bathroom and listened for voices. She heard Erika running the sink behind her own. Then it was quiet for a while and she headed out of her room under the pretext of going to the laundry room.
She was around the corner from her room just as Erika emerged from the hall. She was rumpled and puffy from sleep and exquisitely adorable.
“Hey, you’re home,” Erika said, her voice rough and weary. She headed for the coffee pot. One did not get between her and her first cup.
“For hours. Been running. Doing laundry. How are you?” She only grunted. “Hungover?”
“No, I didn’t drink much. Just not used to late nights anymore. I’m old.” She put a cinnamon bagel in the toaster.
“When did you get home?”
“After two? Something like that.” She frowned. “Were you home…no, your car wasn’t there.”
Aly went into the laundry room and pretended to do something. How to get Erika to talk about the pathologist? She didn’t know how to act anymore. What was normal? Would the old Aly, the one before the epiphany of love, have asked questions and nosed about? She wasn’t sure. Her need to know seemed so pressing now.
But then she remembered that her commitment was to just love Erika and she relaxed. There was never going to be a time when this relationship went both ways. She needed to let her go. Loving Erika meant she would continue to walk a couple of steps behind her to be there if she needed her.
When she left the laundry room and headed back to her room, Erika was standing with her back against the kitchen counter munching on her bagel and staring into space. Aly settled in her bedroom to watch the movie she had put on and fell asleep.
27
By Sunday afternoon, Aly knew more. Erika was slouched in one of the overstuffed loungers by the fireplace on the phone while she ate lunch and pretended to read something on her phone. She assumed from the relaxed intimacy of the conversation that Erika was speaking with Ronnie. She had to know Aly could hear it all and she didn’t seem to care.
The pathologi
st’s name was Leesa. L-E-E-S-A, Powell. The S was pronounced like a Z. The party was their first date, which Erika did not like to do, but it turned out okay because they spent most of the night just talking with each other. Leesa was fifty. She had three grown children. She played basketball in college. She was intelligent and funny. Erika really liked her.
Julio dropped the girls back just after lunch. Erika had just gotten off the phone and was moving toward the hall when the front door opened. “Well, how was it?” she asked Whitney as she came through the front door. Aly joined them all in the entrance.
Whitney only grunted, “GOAT” and turned left to go to her room, her blue backpack flapping behind her. This was, however, more than Erika expected, and she raised her eyebrows at Aly to indicate she was impressed.
“How about you?” she asked Lu, giving her a hug. Lu was still young enough to accept hugs and to sometimes offer them.
“It was lit!”
“We had a good time,” Julio said. “And now I want to hear all about your date.”
Lu made a face. “You had a date?”
Aly intervened and shuttled Lu to her room to let Erika give Julio the rundown on his apparently successful match making. When they were in Lu’s room and she was helping her put away her dress and overnight clothes, she said quietly, “I think your mom may have met someone she really likes.” Lu pursed her lips. “Don’t you want your mom to be happy?”
“I like things the way they are.”
“Well, I understand that. But your mom loves you and Whitney so much. Don’t you think she deserves someone to love her?”
“We love her.”
“Of course you do. But adults need the love and support of another adult. I know change is hard, but life is change. I mean, look at you, you’ve grown an inch since I’ve been here. That’s change. Good change. Not all change is bad.”
A Good Woman Page 13