A Good Woman

by Liz Cronkhite

  Leesa Powell was currently a full tenured professor at UNLV School of Medicine. And, in her spare time, she liked hiking, mountain climbing, and ballroom dancing, despite having bad knees from old basketball injuries.

  Through all of Erika’s raving about Dr. Leesa, Aly presented a willing ear and supportive and encouraging friendship while she wilted inside. Love her, she would remind herself. You want her to be happy, don’t you?

  There was possible consolation for Aly, however. Through all of her admiration for Dr. Leesa, Erika never once spoke about her feelings for her. But Aly didn’t know if not talking about feelings was typical of Erika or if it signaled that she was not truly falling in love. Bianca, after all, was quite accomplished, yet after ten years, Erika found they were ultimately incompatible. Was she about to make the same mistake? Oh, Erika, Aly begged within herself. When you fall, please have it be with someone worthy of you! She felt that if she knew Erika would be truly happy, it would be not quite so painful for herself.

  When she wasn’t being there for Erika, she was quiet and reflective and, at times, undeniably depressed. Erika noticed, but indicated she put it down to her saying goodbye to Kylie and to Toy’s situation. And, of course, Aly let her believe this.

  What she spent so much time reflecting on was what flashed across her mind the evening she spoke with Erika about Toy. She didn’t want to spend her life pining for Erika. As much as she loved her and wanted to be around her, it was a type of torture, even putting Dr. Leesa or any other woman out of the picture.

  If Erika was the only concern Aly would leave, maybe even without an adequate explanation. But there were the girls to consider. She knew that when they were babies, Erika worked in a law firm with a nursery. As soon as Whitney was old enough to go to school, they got a nanny, a married woman named Janet. She was with them for six years, through Bianca’s leaving. It was very hard on the girls when Janet’s husband got a job transfer and she left.

  There had been logistical problems with Janet living out so Erika wanted a live in next. Casey was great with the girls, but so young that Erika sometimes felt she was a third daughter. For Erika, Aly was the perfect age and situation, barring her falling in love and leaving, which she acknowledged was a possibility.

  Aly knew Erika genuinely liked her, and she treasured that. And she knew the girls were fond of her and responded well to her, though she had not been there for very long. She couldn’t bring herself to leave the girls so soon after they had lost Casey. What would be her pretext if she did? She had no better prospect, no love to follow. How would they interpret her abandoning them? She would leave the three of them, and maybe even Julio, hurt and confused.

  If she did leave, would it be better to go now rather than to wait for the end of the year when the contract was up? Which was kinder? For herself, now. For them, there was no good time. She was caught.

  But then she questioned if she really was caught. How much was she staying for them and how much for herself? Having just discovered her love for Erika, though it was painful to be around her and not with her, if she was honest, she didn’t want to leave her. And she loved the girls and didn’t want to leave them, either. She loved this family. She loved taking care of them.

  She had no one to talk to about her dilemma. She envied Erika her Ronnie, a lifelong confidante she could trust with everything. There was Gemma, but she was so busy going to nursing school full time and taking care of the kids that Aly could hardly connect with her as it was. She had no real time to speak with Aly at length and with follow up, as she would need. Anything Aly told Cass would zip around the lesbian community and into Erika’s ear within a week. Anita was a friend to both of them and had put them together. She would be put in an awkward position knowing Aly’s feelings and perhaps even feel responsible. Bill Wong had suffered much for her over her divorce and his worry would only add to her burden. And she and Mark were simply not the kind of close where she could delve deep into her feelings with him.

  So Aly kept her own counsel. There were many who knew her who said hers was some of the best counsel you could get. But sometimes she would have liked someone else to unburden on, as she had done with Erika about Toy. Of course, if she was not the object, Erika would be Aly’s first choice to help her sort out any dilemma.

  Erika was not the only one with a more active social life in November. Every school day Whitney had friends over to study after school or she went to another’s home. If at home, she and her squad, which consisted of mostly eighth graders but occasionally a ninth grader like Mike Kent, would spread out with their backpacks, laptops, phones, and snacks in the dining room for a few hours after school. Whitney and Mike also went on dates, with the squad, of course. Aly enjoyed watching Whitney blossom and reporting her observations to Erika.

  Lu, on the other hand, considered the teenagers with disdain. Occasionally, she had her fam, or two closest friends, Gwena Kung and Byron Frerik, over, or went to their homes on the weekends. But they were still primarily interested in playing games together on computers or consoles rather than just hanging out.

  For Aly, the kids were a welcome distraction. She carefully, but unobtrusively, monitored the teenagers from the bar or the couch, taking a break from pondering her own situation.

  At Thanksgiving everyone went their own way. The Milton-Allende’s alternated which grandparents they spent Thanksgiving with each year, and this year Erika and the girls left on Wednesday evening to go to Erika’s parents in L.A. Julio went to his mother’s in Phoenix. And Aly spent the holiday with the extended Wong-Rivera-McMahon family. It was the one event each year where the whole clan got together, barring something unusual like Gemma's leaving town. One of the McMahons owned a banquet room and donated it, and everyone chipped in for the feast.

  Aly enjoyed her Thanksgiving. It was soothing to be in the embrace of her family and she took comfort in knowing that Erika was not with Dr. Leesa. But that comfort dissolved the next day, when Erika called her in late morning.

  “If you have plans tomorrow night, then say no,” she began after greetings and discussion of their respective Thanksgivings. “But if you are available, I’d like to go out with Leesa.”

  The Miltons were due back Saturday afternoon and apparently Erika and Leesa couldn’t wait to see each other. Aly was tempted to lie to keep them apart. But it was not in her nature. It was bad enough she’d lied to Erika once already, but that was to spare Erika, and, admittedly, herself, awkwardness.

  She cleared her thickening throat. “I don’t have plans. I’ll be here.”

  “Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I don’t know how much more I can take this, she thought when they hung up. What’s my limit? She was certain of one thing. If Dr. Leesa ever moved in, she was moving out.

  29

  There were two upcoming occasions for the Miltons that Aly looked forward to as a way to know Erika better. One was Erika’s parents coming for Christmas. Each year, Erika’s mother spent the first week of the girls’ Winter Break with them. Erika’s father came in two days before Christmas. This year, because Christmas fell on the first Monday of Winter Break, they were both arriving Saturday. They would rent a car and stay at the Red Rock Hotel, just across the 215 from The Verkammer.

  Erika told Aly that her mother would spend the days from midmorning until after dinner with the girls before returning to her hotel. “She wants to see us, but she likes her space. Anyway, your time with the girls will vary each day.”

  The other event coming up was Bianca’s visit in January. She came out each year for the girls’ birthdays, treating them to a weekend in a suite at Aria on the Strip. There was high-end shopping and fine dining. Lu enjoyed the shopping and dressing up, but Whitney did not care for any of it.

  Bianca also had a girlfriend the Miltons met the year before. “The Anglo-Egyptian Goddess,” Whitney called her one day, rolling her eyes, as they all sat at the bar for dinner in early December.

  Aly loo
ked in surprise at Erika, who said, “Bianca’s term for her, actually.”

  “Like something she’d call one of the statues around their mansion,” Whitney continued with disapproval.

  The Miltons explained that Bianca and Aziza lived in a huge, white marble mansion in the Hollywood Hills that was built by a movie mogul eighty years before. It had rolling green lawns, flower gardens, statues, fountains, beautiful views of the city, and an Olympic sized swimming pool. The girls spent Spring Break there. Lu loved it because it was huge and there was a lot to explore. Again, Whitney didn’t care for any of it. The highlight of the week for both girls was the last few days spent at Disneyland.

  Bianca and Aziza had come out the year before, but they had not seen the new house. This year, Lu insisted they pick up the girls so they could see it. Aly was to meet them. She was very curious about Bianca.

  Later, when the girls were in bed and Aly and Erika were in the living room winding down their discussion of the girls’ day, Erika said, “Bianca said they have some important news. I suspect they’re getting married.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “To be honest, I don’t really know. It stirs up a lot of memories. And feelings. I thought I’d spend my life with her, you know?” Aly nodded. She knew. “I guess I’m conflicted. I don’t want to be with Bianca. I know that. And I want her to be happy. But at the same time, I guess it’s another layer of grief. It’s really over. It’s like some part of me had not really gotten that yet. And this seals it.”

  So she does share feelings. Aly was grateful that Erika opened up to her so she could know her more, and love her and support her. “I think that’s normal. A divorce is a kind of death, isn’t it? A dream dies. Or an expectation, anyway. And a part of ourselves.”

  Erika didn’t say anything, but cocked her head and looked thoughtfully at her. Aly went on, “You’ve seemed quiet and thoughtful lately. Is this what’s been on your mind?”

  Erika looked away and seemed to be studying the chyron on the television screen. She looked sad. When she spoke her eyes were still on the screen. “I’m not going to see Leesa anymore.”

  Aly was truly surprised. She had no idea anything was wrong. What unexpected relief and joy! But, “oh” was all she said.

  She didn’t have to prod for more. Erika turned to her and started talking. She hadn’t told Leesa yet, but she had been thinking about breaking it off for the past couple of days. Leesa had enough of raising children. It seems she would be content dating for the next seven years. But Erika wanted something more, something where she didn’t have to hold herself back. She wanted someone who wanted her so much that the girls weren’t an obstacle. “Of course, ideally, she’d want the girls, too. But maybe that’s asking too much. I’d be satisfied if she just accepted them as part of the package.”

  Aly looked down at her hands so Erika could not read her face. You’re not asking too much, she wanted to say. I love all of you already. But she knew she was not on Erika’s radar. She would want someone like Leesa with all that Aly felt.

  “And it was more than that,” Erika went on. “I just didn’t fall. I thought I might, at first, but it didn’t happen. There was something…A wise woman--we’ll call her Anita--told me I have another wise woman in my home and I should ask your opinion. Of Leesa.”

  “Oh,” Aly was caught off guard. “Um…I only saw her a couple of times. I don’t think I can have an informed opinion of her.”

  “But what was your first impression?”

  "Oh, don’t go by my first impressions,” she laughed, thinking of her first impression of Erika. “I have been so wrong about people.”

  Erika pursed her lips and looked away. She looked displeased, so Aly gave in. “I didn’t like her.”

  Erika’s beautiful eyes came back to Aly’s face, but her own face was still a blank. “Why?”

  She threw her hands up. “I don’t know. I don’t know her. She was good looking, funny, intelligent. It was just a first impression. Maybe it was just me and I was intimidated.”

  “You were intimidated by her?” Erika asked, eyebrows raised in surprise. “I’d think it would be the other way around. And maybe that’s just it. Something in her character that wasn’t complete. I sensed it.”

  She was lost in thought again while Aly tried to fathom what Erika just said about her, so matter-of-factly, as though it was a given.

  After a while Erika said, “You know what I learned from my marriage? Values are more important than common interests. I thought our love of the law and the girls would keep us together. But they didn’t, because we didn’t have the same values. We lost respect for each other. And that’s what it is with Leesa. She’s interesting and funny. But, putting the girls aside--because I understand being done with raising kids--she and I just don’t have the same values. That showed up in so many little ways.” Her face cleared and she beamed at Aly. “Thank you. It’s been bothering me. There was something off and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was afraid I was making a mistake letting her go. Now I see it would be a mistake to not let her go.”

  “I didn’t do anything,” Aly said quietly. “You figured it out.”

  “No,” Erika reached forward and touched her hand briefly. “You were honest and I value your opinion. I was interested in Leesa’s opinions. I don’t know that I can say I valued them.”

  Aly still could not see what she had done. She gave an uninformed opinion that was probably based on her own insecurity. But Erika didn’t seem to be comparing Leesa to Aly’s impression of her. Aly couldn’t quite make out what comparison brought Erika clarity.

  30

  Erika broke it off with Leesa on a Friday. It did not go well. Apparently, Leesa was taken by surprise. She felt stronger about Erika than Erika knew. Aly could relate, but of course did not share this with Erika.

  Erika explained to her the next morning that she did not go into values and character with Leesa, but focused on not wanting to have to hold herself back until her daughters were fully grown. Despite Leesa’s claim of caring for her, her parting shot was to tell Erika she was unrealistic. A woman with growing children could not be choosy.

  “She may be right,” Erika said. “But if I had any lingering doubts about breaking it off, she wiped them away with that.”

  Still, Aly could see that even though Erika felt breaking it off was the right thing to do, it hurt her to be disappointed. And it hurt her to hurt Leesa.

  Julio, Erika reported, was distressed that he initiated a situation that caused her pain. “I should have sounded her out about children,” he told her. She reminded him Leesa knew she was getting involved with a woman with growing children. Did she think they wouldn’t be an issue? Leesa must’ve gone into it with the mindset that she’d always keep a certain distance.

  Lu was happy that no change was coming. She also did not like Leesa, though it was unclear if it was because she represented change or for other reasons.

  No one knew what Whitney thought of Leesa or the break up. However, both girls did not like to see their mother hurting. It was sweet to Aly to see the girls hovering over Erika on Saturday. They instituted the “Potter Protocol”, which meant bingeing on Harry Potter movies for the weekend. This was the Milton treatment for any ailment, emotional or physical. Erika was ensconced on the couch in front of the television with a daughter on each side, usually with at least one head on her shoulder.

  When the girls weren’t around for a moment, she said to Aly as she passed by, “I will forever associate these movies and actors with feeling sad, depressed, or sick.” But Aly could see she basked in the attention of her girls.

  ◆◆◆

  Christmas was fast approaching and the month was busy. The girls’ first semester was coming to an end and there were projects to finish and tests to study for while there was Christmas shopping to complete. The first week of December, Aly helped the Miltons adorn the house with Christmas decorations. They would not have a tree, thoug
h, until the senior Miltons came out. Lucinda Milton liked to decorate it with her granddaughters.

  For the girls, however, the highlight was at Julio’s. He went all out decorating a large artificial tree in the middle of his barren living room. He surrounded this with an elaborate train set and winter village. They spent the entire first Dad’s Weekend of December helping him set it up. And he spent the whole of December tweaking it.

  “I suspect it’s the real reason he doesn’t have furniture in his living room,” Erika said. “December is the only time I know of that he spends any real time at home when the girls aren’t there.”

  Julio’s mother would be up from Phoenix for Christmas. The girls had two Christmas mornings each year. Christmas Eve they awoke at their dad’s. They spent the day with him and their abuela and went home to Far Hills in the evening after dinner. Christmas morning they awoke at home with Erika. Later in the morning the elder Miltons arrived, and after lunch the Allendes came and they all had an early Christmas dinner together.

  Since Christmas was on a Monday and Aly’s brother and father were, like the senior Miltons, arriving on Saturday, she suggested she and her father and brother all chip in on a suite at the Marriott her dad liked when he was out in October. She would spend Saturday night and Christmas Eve with them and go home after dinner on Christmas. Erika was going back to work the day after Christmas, so she would be back at work, too.

  When Erika heard her plans she said, “Why don’t you bring them by after dinner on Christmas? I’m sure they’d like to see where you live and we’d like to meet them. And I know my poor dad could use more male companionship than just Julio on Christmas. We do coffee and brandy Christmas evening.”

  Aly was touched. Of course she’d like the people she loved most in the world to meet each other. “I’m sure we’d all like that. Thank you.”