We Were Us

by Heather Diemer

  “It’s like an hour’s drive though,” I countered.

  “We can catch up,” he said enthusiastically.

  “Okay sure,”

  We stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. I looked down and laughed.

  “What’s so funny?” he asked

  “Nothing. Just you. You in my living room. You bringing me a couch. It’s weird.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I did know though. I was never able to bring friends over when my mom was here. The house was always a disaster and smelled of cigarettes and God knows what else. It was embarrassing and I kept Michelle and Josh away to avoid unnecessary interactions with my mother.

  “Well, I need to clean out the fridge but I’m a little scared.”

  He laughed at that. “Why’s that?”

  “Because I don’t know what’s in there. I left quickly fifteen months ago and that meant leaving everything as it was. No one has been here since then.”

  “Well, I can help with that.” He didn’t even make a face at the possibility of the grossness that could be waiting behind the door.

  I was taken aback by this.

  “You want to help me clean out my disgusting fridge?”

  “No, but I’m here now with nothing to do so I’ll help.”

  “Far be it from me to turn down free labor. I was just going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Do you want one? Its new jelly, and not been in the fridge. It’s probably okay since it’s only been on the counter for one day.” I was rambling but I really didn’t know what to say to him.

  “I think a peanut butter and jelly sandwich sounds great.”

  “I have Dr. Pepper.”

  “Even better.”

  The fridge wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. There wasn’t much food in there to begin with. I mean I’d fended for myself most days and lived on canned soup and boxed cereal and macaroni and cheese. I honestly didn’t know what my mother ate. She never cooked and I don’t ever remember seeing her eat anything.

  A couple hours later after tossing some moldy lunchmeat and a few indistinguishable plastic containers, we had cleaned out the fridge. Josh took the trash out for me. When he returned we stood awkwardly in the kitchen for a few minutes. I was done cleaning for the day and desperately needed a shower, but I also wanted to be with Josh some more. His close proximity brought up old memories and when he’d accidentally brush my arm with his, or touch me gently on the back as he scooted around me, I got all flushed and excited. Thank God I was pushed up inside the fridge so he couldn’t see me. I half wondered if he was intentionally touching me.

  “Well, I should probably get going,” he said after we had finished.

  “Yeah. I need to shower again,” I said.

  Josh shifted uncomfortably.

  “I can’t wait to see you again,” he said.

  “Really?” I was still a little baffled as to why he wanted to hang out with me after all this time.

  “Yeah. I missed you Jenna. We were friends.”

  “Why?” I couldn’t help myself.

  “Geez, Jenna. I’m not like everyone else in this God forsaken town.” He slammed his soda can down on the counter causing me to jump.

  “Okay sorry,” I said quietly.

  Our conversation lulled. I stared out the kitchen window at the blindingly white afternoon sun. Maybe I should get some curtains. I thought about what else I needed to do for the house. I thought of any heavy lifting I might need done to keep Josh here longer, but there was nothing left to do. My mother’s room remained untouched, for all I knew there was a homeless man holed up in there, or a band of feral cats.

  “So what are your plans for the rest of the week?” he asked pulling me out of my daydream.

  “Besides our plans, I don’t really have any plans. I thought I would just lie around on my ugly new couch and read.”

  “You think it’s ugly?” he genuinely looked hurt by this.

  “Oh come on Josh. Look at it. It’s atrocious.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Oh dude. I’m not complaining! I was just being funny.”

  “I see. Well, have fun reading.”

  We were almost to the door.

  “I thought about going to see Michelle.” She’d been on my mind the whole time he was here. I wanted to see her and tell her how sorry I was about my mom. I knew she wouldn’t blame me. She knew how my mom was. Michelle had sat through countless hours of my ranting about my mother. She never said anything rude about her, but she listened none the less, like a good friend should.

  Something about the way her dad told me to stay away and the way Josh was acting told me something was up.

  “No,” he stopped suddenly.

  “She dislikes me that much, huh?” Maybe I should just let it go. What my mother had done had probably destroyed their family, and I’d just be an unwelcome reminder of it all.

  Josh visibly relaxed. “Yeah,” he said, though his admission hurt a little.

  I guess I’ll just hang out with you all summer then.” I said half kidding.

  “That would be great,” he said enthusiastically.

  I gave him a puzzled look but inside, I was leaping for joy. Josh’s attitude toward me was not at all, what I had imagined. I came back hoping to avoid him, and expected the cold-shoulder if I did see him. It seemed as though he wanted to be around me, he did just ask me out after all.

  “Well okay then,” I said.

  “Okay. Well, I’ll see you later then.” And he left.

  I flopped down on the ugly couch and thought about what had just happened. Josh asked me to dinner. Josh had said he wanted to hang out with me all summer. Josh wasn’t with Michelle anymore. I rolled over onto my belly, which was almost impossible on this couch. It was soft and swallowed me in its thick cushions. Josh, wanted to hang out with me, I repeated to myself.

  I stared at the TV. What would we even do? I wanted to keep a low profile while I was here, especially after my run in with the mayor. I wasn’t here to cause trouble or follow in my mother’s footsteps. I looked at the TV again, I wonder if I could call Dad and ask for cable. Or maybe internet, I had my laptop with me and a Netflix account.

  The rest of the day wore on dully. My phone rang a few times but after seeing Josh, I wasn’t interested in talking to Andrew. I needed a mind break, and answering my phone would just give me a headache. I wandered in and out of the rooms absently. Finally after a shower and another peanut butter sandwich, I settled on the bed to read.

  The rest of the week was dull as well. Dad promised cable and internet by next week, until then I had my iPhone and books to keep me company. I drove down to the river one day just to think. I knew why I’d come back here, but I was still questioning myself. Did I come back to rekindle my relationship with Josh? Sure I missed what we had, but he had broken my heart. I really didn’t have anywhere else to go this summer. I wasn’t welcome at Dad and Linda’s, but it’s not like she forbade me to live there this summer. I just wasn’t interested in being around her or her kids. When I’d asked Dad about staying in Riverview for the summer he was hesitant, but agreed.

  I was unable to shake my interactions with Josh. I dreamt about him that night. Sometimes Andrew would be there too and I couldn’t tell the two apart and they each got mad at me for missing the obvious. In real life they were two very different men. Josh was rugged and gritty. His sandy blond hair and baby blue eyes betrayed his harder side. Everyone in town loved Josh. He was never the football hero or the greatest student, but he was loyal, and kind and always ready and willing to help anyone in need. He’d grown up quickly though with just his mom to take care of him, he had started work out at the Miller’s at an early age. Andrew on the other hand was clean and refined. A city boy to the core. His dark hair and mysterious eyes lured me to him. A mystery for the most part, but he knew nothing of my past. I liked that the most about him.

  CHAPTER FOUR

 
The day of my date with Josh was here. I hadn’t thought about anything else since he’d asked me three days ago. I replayed every word of our conversation over and over again. I thought about every possible scenario that could happen on the date. What if he didn’t show up? What if he changed his mind? What if we had nothing to talk about on the two hour drive there and back? What if he tried to kiss me? What if he didn’t? That were a lot of what ifs’, I mean, it wasn’t like we’d never kissed. He was my first kiss, so it wasn’t something I could easily forget.

  We were at the river just sitting on the bank watching the water flow downstream. It was hot so we had our feet in the water and he’d just leaned over and kissed me. Just once. I was so caught off guard that I just sat there silently. We were twelve. We kissed a few other times while we dated in high school, but Josh and I didn’t make the best couple. We tried, but it was too forced, like we were trying to save our friendship in the worst possible way.

  I slept in until noon then fretted around the rest of the day being indecisive. I almost called him to cancel five different times, but finally I got in the shower, did my hair and makeup, and stood in front of my closet hating every outfit in it. It was just dinner with Josh, but I wanted to look nice. I wanted to impress him. I wanted to erase the old me, the sixteen year old me and make him see who I had become since leaving.

  After multiple outfit changes I decided on a mid-thigh length, white cotton dress. It had thick straps and a deep V-neck with lace patterning all over. I’d originally bought it the summer before my senior year and planned to wear it to graduation. Michelle had bought the same one. We were going to match. I had worn it to my graduation; I wondered if she had worn it to hers. I tossed aside the white heels I’d worn with it that day in favor of my cowboy boots. I snagged a short denim vest and slid it over my shoulders. Shoot, I looked country. I shrugged out of the vest and grabbed a lace back cardigan instead.

  I stood in front of the mirror for a bit longer, thinking of all the crazy things Michelle made me do. She really had the more outgoing personality. The cliché of the fiery redhead having a fiery personality was completely true in Michelle. Even though Michelle had a sister, Renee, Michelle insisted I was her true sister even though we looked nothing alike. We both stood at five feet seven inches, but while her hair was beautifully red, mine was boring, chestnut brown. Her vibrant green eyes offset her flawless fair skin. I, on the other hand, had ‘wannabe’ green eyes. Michelle said hazel was beautiful too, but I never believed her. I was jealous of her green eyes, and she was jealous of how easily I was able to get a tan.

  She was the one who got me to try out for softball, without her, I never would have gotten the scholarship to attend college. She was always coming up with hair-brained ideas about what we’d do after college. I, the sensible one, always said we would be roommates in the dorms, graduate together, then find jobs doing the same thing so we could be together forever. It was my attempt at holding onto the only person who’d ever been consistent in my life. She, on the other hand, wanted to rent a funky apartment downtown and paint it wild colors, and have sophisticated parties every weekend. I’m sure she cared less about graduating and jobs and more about perfecting our social lives in the big city of Brookhaven. She was ready to leave tiny Riverview behind and start new.

  Once I was satisfied with my ensemble and hair do, I slumped on the couch and waited for Josh. The sun was low in the sky to the point where it would shine through the window at any moment. I stared at the window lost in a game I made up in my head. Waiting for the sun. I looked past the trees and houses and could almost see the roof of Michelle’s house. I thought about going over there, but Josh’s reaction to my idea, and Mayor Banks’ threatening words, held me back. I missed her and I wanted to explain to her what had happened. I hoped she knew that I was sorry and that I had no idea my mother was sleeping with her father.

  A soft knock startled me out of my trance. I cursed under my breath and leapt to the door. There was Josh dressed in dark blue jeans, grey plaid shirt with light blue stripes that picked up the blue of his eyes.

  His face twisted into a look of shock and pain when he saw me. I looked down at myself and stood there awkwardly while I tried to figure out what the cause of his reaction was.

  “Umm…” I said and looked down at my boots.

  “Where’d you get that dress?” he asked in an accusatory way.

  “I bought it a couple years ago. I wore it for my high school graduation. Michelle has the same one. We were supposed to wear them together,” I rambled on.

  “Oh.” he looked mildly relieved.

  Wow. I thought this dress would get me a kiss at the end of the night. Instead, I get moody negative noncommittal, non-word reactions. I checked his face again, he still looked uncomfortable, but he managed a smile.

  “Should I change?” I turned back into the house, fully ready to strip and find something less awkward to wear.

  “No. Its fine, you’re fine. You look fine.”

  Fine was not what I was looking for either.

  “Okay.” I grabbed my purse before heading out the door with Josh. He shuffled and coughed behind me while I locked the door. I turned back to him and was greeted with one of his patented grins. While most of Josh’s friends on the football team had perfected the ‘panty-dropping smile’, Josh had somehow transcended beyond panty dropping straight to heart melting and swoon worthy. He was like a Disney prince or something. The Beast after Belle breaks the spell. That was the smile I had wanted to see.

  “I’m sorry. You look beautiful tonight. It’s a beautiful dress.”

  Josh took my hand and led me out to his truck. My heart skipped a beat when he lifted me up into it. Why was I being such a girl right now? I’d thought of Josh non-stop for the whole week, I’d gone over every possible scenario that we could encounter. I did that so I wouldn’t look like an idiot or say stupid things. But I was not prepared for the way I reacted to his touch. It wasn’t like an electric shock or anything, more like white hot liquid pulsating from where he touched through my whole body.

  We drove an hour into the city for dinner and we didn’t say a word the entire time. It was silent and awkward. I watched him start to say something a dozen times then just cough and shift uncomfortably. Where was his confidence from the other day when he’d asked me out? Was it the dress that had thrown him off?

  ***

  The restaurant was small and stuffy, the food was mediocre, the staff was downright awful, and we both knew it. Josh sent back his steak three times before it was done correctly. We weren’t offered a discount, but we were given a coupon to come back again. Not likely. I felt bad that Josh had driven an hour for this.

  “I’m sorry,” he said as we were finishing our meal.

  “It’s fine. It was better than the peanut butter and jelly I would have had.” We both laughed.

  “So do you still play softball?” he asked breaking the silence

  “Yeah, I do. I got a small scholarship for college even.”

  “Oh wow. That’s great.”

  “Yeah. I was somewhat surprised. I mean, I only played one season at the school, but I had a great coach who really encouraged me.”

  “Well you were also really awesome. I remember going to your games.”

  The server handed us our check.

  “You just went to see Michelle,” I half teased.

  “I went to see both of you,” he retaliated.

  I’d skirted around the subject of Michelle all dinner long, but he never alluded to anything.

  “So how is Michelle?” I couldn’t help it. I had to know.

  Josh’s hands gripped the wheel and his face hardened into a grimace. Geez, was it that bad. Did she hate me with the wrath of a thousand moons?

  “She’s fine. But don’t go see her.”

  I wanted to ask why, but his stony expression made me stop. He didn’t say anything more about it so I let it go. My heart sank a little though. I just wanted to t
ell her I was sorry.

  “Well, she was better than me anyway.”

  The conversation died a little at the mention of Michelle, but I quickly changed the subject.

  “So are you in school too Josh?”

  “Yeah, I’m taking classes at the community college. Mostly Ag stuff for the farm.”

  “Well that’s good.”

  “Yeah. The Millers want to hire me on full time when I graduate.”

  “That’s great!”

  “Yeah it is. Its great pay and I don’t have to move.”

  “So you want to stay here forever then. In Riverview?”

  “It’s not so bad Jenna. For me it’s not.”

  “For me it is,” I said. And it was. I just couldn’t see myself living here for the rest of my life, knowing how this town felt about me and my mother and how they’d treated us for years. No, I couldn’t stay here. I was here to move on, not be held back.

  “Yeah,” he agreed.

  Josh paid the waiter and we left. The drive back home was quiet and boring. We’d lost our conversation once we left the restaurant. I gazed past my reflection in the window and found the Orion constellation and the big dipper, the only two constellations I knew. I wanted to get past this awkwardness with Josh. We never used to be this way. Even when we dated we still had great conversations and our time together was easy and not forced.

  Soon it became a game for me to count down the mile markers. I knew we had to get to exit thirty-three before we were on the road to home and we were currently on eighteen.

  “You might want to plug your nose.” Josh said.

  “Why’s that?”

  He didn’t even need to answer, an overwhelming scent of rotting eggs, and meat and any other disgusting rotting substance filled the car.

  “Oh. My. God. Josh! I know we’re friends, but you need to keep that kind of thing to yourself. That is not even something I want to hear or smell. God!” I gagged.

  “What? No! Jenna. That wasn’t me. I promise. You don’t remember this?”

  “Remember foul smells? No. I don’t make a habit of committing those to memory.”