Suck It, Wonder Woman!

by Olivia Munn; Mac Montandon

…brains are not just for breakfast anymore.

  A road less traveled might be to bake your lover a pie. This might sound odd at first, but I think you will be pleased by the effects of the wafting aroma of warm apples baking. Again, this will tease and arouse the brain that’s connected to the body whose bones you wish to jump. Also—pie is delicious! Just don’t combine thoughts here and bake them a brain pie because that is not so delicious, unless you really are a zombie. Which I am not. Swear!

  These are all times when life was so crazy and weird, you just really needed to be there…

  When I was in fourth grade, one day I was sitting in class taking a test after lunch. I couldn’t concentrate on the test because I had to pee so bad. I know the logical grown-up response would be that I could just get up and go to the bathroom. But at nine years old, I didn’t want to get up in front of everyone and walk to the bathroom. I also didn’t want the teacher to think I was cheating by leaving in the middle of a test.

  So, I did the next best thing. I tried to let just a little pee out. Just a little so there’d be relief. Yes I was going to let myself pee just a little bit in my pants.

  Did you know that it’s very hard to just let a little pee out? Because once you need to go and you let yourself, it doesn’t really stop.

  So, I sat there, completely relieved, in the middle of class, in my own pee.

  The girl sitting next to me notices a drip coming from my chair and whispers, “Hey…hey…did you pee your pants?”

  “No, I didn’t pee my pants. Geez…I had ice in my pocket and it’s melting…duh.”

  I felt instant panic. I don’t know why I didn’t think that anyone would notice. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t be the girl who peed her pants! So, I thought quickly and said, “No, I didn’t pee my pants. Geez…I had ice in my pocket and it’s melting…duh.”

  Yeah, child wonder over here went with the most logical answer—I was keeping ice in my pockets. The best part? To the best of my recollection, I’m pretty sure I felt confident she believed me. God, I’m an idiot.

  There was a great deal on peaches at the grocery store down the street from my studio—a box of sixteen peaches for only $5.99. I thought it would be nice to get six boxes for the writers, producers and crew. I parked my car, ran inside the store and paid the cashier for six boxes. I went back to my car and drove it to the front of the store where all the peaches were stacked up. I jumped out of my car and raced around to start piling the peaches into my passenger side. Before I even pick up the first box, some woman pulled up behind me, got out of her car and screamed, “Can you move your car so I can get around?” It had seriously been less than ten seconds that I’d been stopped. I smiled and yelled back, “Yep, right away. I just prepaid for these peaches and I’m gonna throw them in my car real quick!” I grabbed the boxes two at a time to be fast. Before I could even get the first two boxes in my car, the woman, still standing outside her car yelled out again, “Seriously! Am I on Candid Camera or something?!”

  It had been a total of maybe forty-five seconds since I stopped my car! I put down the peaches, looked at her (this time not smiling), thought about how dumb and outdated that sarcastic quip was and then responded, “Yes. Yes, you are on Candid Camera. And you might wanna fix your hair and face ’cause you look like shit.”

  She just dropped her mouth open in shock and got back in her car. It was so awesome.

  A friend of mine lost her job and asked if she could move to Los Angeles and work as my assistant. She said she saw how busy my life had become and would be happy to help me out. So, I gave my current assistant time to find another job and then hired my best friend.

  People always say “don’t mix business and friendship.” But they never say why. I’ll tell you why. Because when you inevitably ask them to do a favor for you as a friend like, oh I don’t know, “hand me that glass please,” they think you should be paying them for that.

  She was the worst assistant somehow managing to do things completely backwards and would end up costing me double.

  But one day we found her calling! She loves gardening and offered to water my hedges and take care of them. That’s great! That’ll save me a little money on a gardener each week. Awesome.

  One day I came home and she said with a smile, “I need $300.” I asked what it was for. Her response? “Oh! I had sprinklers installed so we don’t have to water the hedges anymore!”

  Seriously?! So we don’t have to water the hedges?!! Bitch, your ass said you were gonna water them! So, you offered to water the hedges to save me money, but instead installed sprinklers that I had to pay for, so now you don’t have to water them. Wow. You’re either a fucking genius, or a bad friend. Oh, man—you really needed to be there.

  A few years back I dated a guy for a year and then one day we broke up. Later on, through mutual friends, I found out that he had been cheating on me. Years went by before I finally ran into him again. I guess he got some kind of spark when he saw me and called me later that week.

  “I wanted to see if I could take you to dinner tonight.”

  “Yeah, I don’t think so,” I responded.

  “Why not?” he asked.

  “Because I don’t really want to start anything with you again,” I said.

  “Why not? We were so great together. Let’s give it another shot. I’d love to be with you again, So, why not?” he said.

  “Why not? Okay. Because the entire time we were together you never made me come. Not once. I faked it for almost a whole year. And I really don’t want to fake it anymore.”

  That was 100 percent true. And I’d wanted to say that for a long time. He was speechless and it felt good. Perhaps you needed to be there.

  1. What color would your Lightsaber be?

  OM: It would be a color you could only see if you were wearing special Olivia Lightsaber glasses. That way my enemy would never see it coming. And the color that you would see through the glasses would be called “Spearmint Fuck-Yeah” just because I think that’s an awesome name for a color.

  2. If you could have any superpower, what would it be, and why?

  It’s a typical answer, but I would really love to be able to fly. I dream about flying almost every night. I’m usually getting chased and the only way to escape is to fly. And for some reason I fly like Super Mario Brothers with a running start. I think about flying all the time. I am obsessed with squirrel jumping. (Look it up.) I know it’s intense and really dangerous but I want to try it one day.

  3. What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever seen at Comic-Con?

  A guy dressed as Darth Vader making out with Princess Leia. I mean, come on, that’s just not realistic.

  4. What is your favorite video-game console ever?

  Xbox 360. There are so many great games for it.

  5. Favorite song to play on Guitar Hero?

  Anything by Journey.

  6. A criminal mastermind kidnaps you—what comic book hero would you want coming to your rescue?

  Superman. Because there’s only one thing that could stop him. And let’s face it—it’s really hard to get kryptonite.

  7. If you had to pick one Lord of the Rings character to escort you to Mount Doom, whom would you take (one does not simply walk into Mordor!)?

  I would take Sam. Because going into Mount Doom is a death wish. And if I’m gonna die, I’d like to have a good laugh before I go, and Sam makes me laugh the most.

  8. Would you rather own a jetpack or a Tesla coil?

  Jetpack. (See: all that stuff about flying.)

  9. What is your favorite mythological beast (centaur, minotaur, dragon, etc)?

  Dragon. Because if I could tame a dragon, I could ride him around and fly. (Yes, I’m obsessed with flying.)

  10. How would you survive a zombie apocalypse?

  I would get a group of ten people, taking no children or elderly, and we would barricade ourselves in my basement, which is already zombie-ready (because how stupid are you if you haven�
��t already started preparing?), and wait it out until the zombies took down the city and went on to the next. Then, when they thought we were dead, we would follow them into the next town and take them down when they least expect it. We would begin to hunt them. And then of course, decapitate them, because that’s how you kill zombies.

  Which Is Cooler:

  11. Super Mario or Zelda?

  Super Mario.

  12. Pacman or Tetris?

  Tetris all the way. I’m like a prodigy, fourteen years too late.

  13. Ninjas or pirates?

  Ninjas.

  14. Battlestar Galactica or Firefly?

  BSG.

  15. A New Hope or The Empire Strikes Back?

  The Empire Strikes Back.

  16. Raiders of the Lost Ark or The Last Crusade?

  Raiders of the Lost Ark.

  17. Macs or PCs?

  Mac for daily Internet use. PC for gaming.

  In these hypothetical situations, what would you do?

  18. You find a Magic Hat of Infinite Endurance and now you no longer require sleep. How do you spend all your extra free time?

  Eating pie and working off the pie I just ate. That and organizing my house and all of my friends’ homes—I have OCD.

  19. You wake up one day to find that scientists have cloned you. Olivia Munn #2 is your exact copy in every way. What will you do with your new clone?

  Kill her. A clone is a great idea in theory. But, eventually she will get jealous of me and turn on me. It won’t be good. But, I’d make it quick and painless. After all, it is me.

  20. Your favorite movie director calls you up. He wants to cast you in a big summer blockbuster, to play a comic book heroine of your choice. Would you accept, and whom would you want to play?

  Hell yes. And I would be Wonder Woman, or Jayna from the Wonder Twins.

  21. You’re alone on a desert island. Or so you think. It’s actually swarming with velociraptors. You have only seconds before they pick up your scent. What to do?

  Start swimming.

  22. Question #19 was a trap. Your clone is actually a Cylon, which you discover one day when you spot Olivia Munn #2 flirting with your Roomba. You can only assume that a massive robot invasion draws nigh, the fate of the human race resting in your hands…but whom can you trust?

  Aha! Well, good thing I killed her! Then when I see my Roomba acting up, I call Shia LeBeouf and ask for his help in destroying the world…or just make out with him before surrendering to the robots.

  23. Your ninja dojo is shamed when a rival clan ambushes your sensei, taking him hostage. While in the midst of planning a rescue mission you get a call from Master Splinter. He has learned of your situation and can spare one (but only one) of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to assist you. Splinter is waiting for your response.

  No thanks. I’m gonna go this alone. But please send some extra pizza.

  24. You have an opportunity to make out with a shape-shifting wizard whom you find moderately attractive. Halfway through, there’s an 82 percent chance that he will turn into the hottest man ever, a 15 percent chance that he will turn into the ugliest woman ever, and a 3 percent chance that he will turn into a man-eating tiger.

  No guy is worth those chances. I decide not to make out with him and get a mani-pedi instead.

  Just a week before I was going to be on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon I had a massive panic attack. How massive? Well, I blacked out and woke up on my living room floor with no one around and went to the hospital thinking I was having a severe asthma attack. That massive. After being hooked up to machines, having a tube down my throat to keep me from choking since my throat was literally closing up, and having numerous tests done, the doctor comes in and tells me I’m having a panic attack. The worst she’s ever seen. And if I didn’t go home and rest and shut my body down, I was at risk of having a heart attack! A heart attack? Isn’t that something old fat guys who eat greasy sandwiches for lunch every day get?

  I was shocked. Mentally I was fine. And everything in my life was going great. But as the doctor told me, panic attacks can come when there’s bad and good in your life. My body was dealing with a lot and it just had had enough.

  I called in to work and slept all day long. And I continued to sleep for basically three more days. On the fourth day, I felt rested and back to normal. Whew—a huge relief.

  Then, the day came to appear on Fallon and as I was sitting in makeup I felt my chest tightening and my throat closing up. No, no, no. This cannot happen now. I was so excited to be on the show and it was kind of a big deal for me and it would not be cool to get a panic attack just hours before it.

  But fuck—it was not stopping. My breathing was getting shallow and my palms were sweating. I had performed on television for thousands of hours and had never had a problem—why was this happening now?

  I finally realized why my panic attack was coming up—I was nervous. When I tell people I get nervous before things like this or in front of audiences, they’re always surprised. I know I have a big personality on air, but the truth is I always get nervous. Most of the time, my nerves calm down as soon as I step on stage. Other times, they don’t.

  But for Fallon, there was something specific that was making me uneasy and once I figured it out, I could handle it better. I had to get all spiritual on my own ass and look inward. So that’s what I did.

  And I realized I was dealing with two conflicting emotions: be funny and don’t be funny. Of course I wanted to be funny and make everyone laugh. I really wanted that. But at the same time, I just wanted to be myself and not be “on” so people could get to know my personality better when it wasn’t cranked to ten. So, there I was, about to go do a huge late-night talk show on NBC and I wasn’t sure how to be funny and how not to be funny. Or, really, how funny was the right amount of funny. This may sound simple but it really isn’t. For one thing, being funny is pretty damn hard. To measure it out like baking powder in a recipe for fruity muffins is really tricky. And on top of that, you never know how the audience will react to you. They could totally get your sense of humor and love you, or think you’re not entertaining or likeable and give you nothing. You just never know. And so—nerves!

  My makeup artist, publicist, a friend and I pulled up to the front of 30 Rock in midtown Manhattan where they tape the show and there was a large group of fans waiting to take pictures and get an autograph. I always take time with the fans and really enjoy that part of being a performer, but I guess I was running late because a large man pushed people away and whisked me through to a private elevator. I felt like Shakira…or some still-relevant superstar.

  When we get to the dressing room, it was this fantastic little room with great style, including tiny little video games decorating the walls. There was a tray of amazing cupcakes, a veggie platter and a gift bag with the softest T-shirt ever made inside. I’m not kidding: this T-shirt was, like, made from the testicles of baby lambs or something.

  My makeup artist set up to touch me up, my publicist was asking me a bunch of questions, and a cameraman and producer were shooting behind the scenes for the G4 network. The room, though awesome, was also the size of a closet. There were way too many people in there. It was getting hot and not in the Nelly way (Yay, late ’90s reference!). I could feel my panic attack coming on stronger than ever.

  I kicked everyone out of the room and took ten minutes to just breathe by myself. I was not gonna let myself pass out on national television…especially not in my short-ass dress.

  It’s funny: whenever you tell people you need a minute by yourself, everyone assumes you didn’t mean them. Knock, knock and…a walk-in. Knock, knock and…a head-poke in. Knock, knock and…a need-anything request. You’re truly never left alone at these things. I was like the president in a short-ass dress about to black out cold from panic, except instead of having something important to say or do that would impact the entire world, I just had to do my first late-night talk show.

  The producer
of the show walked in and we started to go through my questions. I told him how nervous I was and he, too, was surprised by my anxiety. I explained that I’m nervous because I wanted to do a good job. That’s it. I just wanted to do a good job. And as simple as that sounds, it’s a lot harder to do. To just be yourself in front of a studio audience with a band playing and lights and cameras…it’s hard. I started picturing a different life—one where I was a mellow sheepherder living in Mongolia with my family. I would walk with a staff and eat stew for dinner. I would not go on television.

  I snapped back to reality. The producer and I walked through it enough times that I began to feel comfortable and then just when I needed one more minute to compose myself, someone grabbed me and walked me to a curtain. Within mere moments that same someone touched my shoulder and told me to walk through the curtain and…I’m there.

  My nerves didn’t go away instantly. But I was able to acknowledge they were there, deal with them, and just be present.

  Oh, and did I mention who was also on the show that night? Artie Lange. Yep, from the Howard Stern show. I met Artie once and he was a great guy. He actually talked about meeting me on his show the next day and for one morning I was a hero to all my guy friends who listen religiously to Howard and Artie. “Ohmygod, Olivia! Artie’s talking about you on Howard!”